Our Solemn Hour

A/N: My new story about Edward & Bella. Nothing about this has anything to do with religion even though some songs are from Christian bands. This is just about real world problems and realistic situations. There is though, a lot of Angst but a lot of Fluff & humor.

Chapter Two: Crawling

I got up at four and sat on my couch with a cup of coffee and stared at the scars that marked my arms. The pieces of evidence that I actually used and survived, it was the story of my life sprawled out onto my sleeves. There were so many times when I was tempted to cover up the battle wounds with ink and make sleeve tattoos but I couldn't. Every time the buzzer started I froze and changed my mind. I have no clue why I wanted to keep them. No, I did know. I don't want to remember all the pain I caused so many people but I have to so that I don't relapse. I won't do that again and I refuse. These scars make it real to me. I don't want to forget how far I've come and how much I have to lose again so I keep them with me.

I glare at my skin. I have marks from where I used to cut myself. Depression on top of being a heroin addict was not good. I had small little red lashes along my skin. Each had its own story. One was when I got hit by Jacob. Then another when I was going through rehab but the most recent and last one was when I thought I was going to relapse when I saw the wolf pack again

There they all were sitting at the bar drunk and stoned. I gripped my drink in hand and stayed perfectly still at the bar. I was here to meet some old friends. They couldn't touch me anymore. I look up to see Leah all over Jacob. Jacob and I went out, I thought I loved him but I only wanted him because he supplied me with my death. He showed me how to inject myself, how to handle myself, how much to use. He taught it all to me and smashed my life to bits.

"No more" I whisper to myself and see them all get up and go over to the dance floor. I take a sip and the vodka slides down my throat like fire. It's a warm comforting feeling compared to the ice cold feeling over my skin. I sit there drinking the vodka away not even looking at the time. I know it's late though and the pack is still here. My friend never showed which was a bummer but drinking alone is a better thing for me to do.

I look back over to the dance floor to see Leah and Jake walking over to the back exit. I look around and the pack is distracted. I get up slowly and walk over to where the back door was and opened the door slowly walking out into the snowy winter. Snowflakes fell on me covering me in a blanket of snow. I followed their footprints and let my curiosity get the better of me. I turned the corner and my eyes flew wide open. Jake and Leah were doing it by the trash.

"Can I have it now please Jake" she pleaded. I looked down at her arms which were wrapped around his biceps. She was like me. She was in the position that I was in a year ago. She was his new lap dog where she got her fix and he had something to parade around.

"A little longer" he grunted and I figured that she would get sick of it soon and just break down and beg for the golden goddess he kept in his pants pocket. I grab onto my arms controlling the cravings I'm starting to have. Even though I've been clean for about a year I still miss it.

"Hey Bella" Leah says and I look up to see that I've been discovered. Jacob turns his head and chuckles taking out the heroin from his pocket.

"You couldn't live without it right?" he asked stepping away from Leah and towards me. I stared down at it and glared. I didn't need that to feel happy. I didn't need it to get rid of pain. I didn't need that stupid drug to make me feel.

"No" my voice croaked out.

"No? I don't think you're being very truthful Isabella" I looked up at him quickly and back at what he held in his hand. I really didn't need it. I didn't. I wouldn't take it and I wouldn't relapse.

"I'm clean" I said confidently but he kept moving closer. I didn't want him or it. I bite my lip and backed away looking for a way to get out quickly. He may chase me down the alley. I shouldn't have come back here. He held the heroin in the syringe out to me.

"Take it" Leah started whining in the background on how she wanted her fix and that she was the one who slept with him now and gave herself to him. I started choking up. I couldn't refuse him again, maybe once. No! I looked up at him and did the only thing I knew how to do. I spit in his face and ran. I ran out of the alley way determined to get out of there. I ran in the snow through the park all the way to my small apartment. As soon as I got inside I hit myself against the back of my door sliding down against it.

I wanted to use. I needed to get to a meeting. I was going to disappoint Charlie and all of my friends at the meetings. I was nothing but a loser. I stupid junkie who will never get her life back away from that drug! I cried and sobbed against my arms with my knees pulled up against my stomach. I hated this. I hated feeling as if I'm a failure even though I know I am.

I'd forever be a junkie because of one mistake. That first mistake, I had to use for some goddamn reason and I don't even remember it. I get up with tears still streaming down my face and walk over to the cupboard and bring on the old razor I kept. I used to use it to cut when I was on drugs. I used it when I first went into rehab. I needed it now. I take the blade and press it to my arm slowly letting the sting of the first cut. I pulled the blade across my skin letting the sting sooth my aching body. It felt good to be in control of something even if it is this.

"Ugh" I groaned then panicked when I felt blood gushing from my arm. I had cut to deep. I ran into my bathroom and turned on the shower and stuck my arm under it and grabbed towels pressing them to the cut mark. Please don't let me die. I kept pressure on it until I heard the voice of my father and lost consciousness.

I ended up in the hospital for attempted suicide. It wasn't the first time so they kept me for a week longer than necessary. They said they had to make sure I wasn't suicidal anymore. I didn't even think of suicide at the moment. I only wanted to stop that craving and it had worked. I never cut myself after that.

I only wanted to make my dad proud and never relapse. I only did once at the very beginning but went straight back to being clean. I haven't had any slip yet. I get up and walk over grabbing my cell phone and dialing Alice's number.

"Hello" how the hell was she this perky at this hour?

"Hey Alice. It's Bella."

"Sup sweet cheeks. What can I do for you today?" she asks giggling afterwards. I roll my eyes at her nick name for me. She used to call me that in high school.

"What's everyone's poison in the morning? I know you like your coffee with double cream and double sugar but what about everyone else?" I ask walking over to my coat hanger and putting my leather jacket on and flipping my hair from the collar.

"Oh well Jasper likes black coffee with nothing and Masen likes how you do your coffee with one cream and two sugars and Emmett drinks hot chocolate" she says and I mentally write down what everyone wants. I'm pretty good at remembering everything.

"Thanks pixie, I owe you one. I'll see you in a bit" I tell her and we say goodbye. I walk out of my apartment with my keys and phone. I run down the steps instead of waiting for a stupid elevator and out to the curb. I love the fresh air. I walk down the street getting glares from all over. I guess my facial jewelry puts some people on edge. I walked into dunking doughnuts and was immediately stared at by everyone. I walked over to the counter since there was no line.

"How can I help you?" the girl asks.

"I need one double cream double sugars, a black coffee, two one cream and two sugar coffees and a hot chocolate" I tell her and she nods and gets right to making my coffee. I stand by the counter and check my phone for texts from anyone.

"Mommy she has stars on her side" a little boy said and pointed at me. My tank top had ridden up a little exposing some of my side. The mom looked at me with disgust. The dad had some ink on him and the mom left to go to the bathroom.

"I like the stars" the little boy told his dad. I chuckled a little.

"Why don't you tell her then, I won't tell mom you like them" the dad ushered him to move towards me. I looked over to see part of my orders complete and felt a tug on my shirt. I looked down to see the little boy standing there.

"Hi cutie pie, what can I do for you?" I ask kneeling down.

"I just wanted to say that your stars look real prettyful. Do you like the sky?" he asked and I smiled widely. It was odd for kids to actually come up to you without being terrified.

"Yep. I love the night sky because you can see the stars but because I live here I don't get to see them often so I put them on my body so I can always see them" I explained and his little mouth formed an o. I giggled and ruffled his hair.

"You should get back to your dad okay. I'll watch you from right here" he nodded and ran over to his dad. I made sure no one was watching him and trying to snatch him. I wouldn't be surprised since he's an adorable little boy.

"Thanks" I gave the girl the money and grabbed the coffee walking out of the coffee place. I walked to the bus stop and got in sitting down right in the front so that I could get their faster and off that bus. I looked around the bus and still saw people staring at me. I didn't mind when people stared at me but I didn't like it either. I felt like an animal in a zoo a lot and I always hear whispers or asides from people and I just want to slap them for being rude. I think they know right from wrong and judging people is wrong but I guess that no one learns that once their older and its all thrown out the window.

I saw that my stop was approaching and I pulled on the little rope for the bus to stop. It stopped a little way before the shop and I got out with my coffee. I walked over and gave myself a little pep talk before walking in. Everything will be fine. Coffee is the fruit of the gods and will smooth it all over.

I opened the door and walked in with my coffee and the coffee tray with everyone's coffee and Emmett's hot chocolate in it. The fresh smell of ink hit me. The buzzing of the gun was a comfortable feeling. I saw Emmett working on a trashy strawberry blonde and Masen was playing guitar. He was playing I hate everything about you by three days grace. Damn he was perfect.

"I hate everything all about you, why do I love you?" I sang and he looked up and kept strumming.

"Alice you didn't say the girl had some lungs on her" Jasper said and I put down everyone's coffee. Jasper immediately knew which were his and Alice's. He said thank you and gave me a quick hug. I grabbed mine and Masen's.

"You look like you could use some caffeine" I hand him his coffee and he smirks.

"Thank you, I owe you coffee now" he says and takes a sip and groans. Boy would I love to hear that sound again.

"Mind if I see that guitar?" I ask putting down my coffee. He looks hesitant for a moment before handing it over. I quickly tune it to what I need and put the strap around me and start strumming it. I start playing theory of a dead man bad girlfriend.

"Can you name this?" I ask and he smirks. Of course he can because he's a freaking genius.

"Bad girlfriend" he says as if it's no big deal. I stop and take it off.

"Alice is there a place to put my coat?" I ask and start taking off my coat. It's now or never. I'm showing them off.

"Yeah sweet cheeks it's in the back room. Just throw it on the couch where everyone else's is" she says and I take off my jacket fully so that my arms are exposed in just my tank top. I look over to Masen and see that he is staring at me but the scars don't seem to faze him. He just smiled up at me and I walked into the back room and threw my coat down onto the pile of coats. I only had one appointment today but I think I'm going to hang around the shop just in case.

I walk back out and sit on the leather couch next to Masen who seems content to let me tell him what songs to play. He really is gorgeous and pretty funny. Emmett looks a little disturbed when he gets up from his customer and gets the money and sits down near us.

"How is the hooker?" Masen asks. Emmett scoffed.

"Dude she was all over the fact that we have a new girl here and she was sitting next to you. I'm surprised that she didn't storm over here by the way she was acting" I laughed. As if he had any interest in me.

"That's funny" Masen just chuckles.

"I think Bella can take care of herself if Tanya came over here" he says. He doesn't dismiss the fact that she thought we were interested in each other which sort of makes me happy. I bite my lip and bring my feet up under me slipping off my shoes to reveal my blue painted toes. I loved aqua blue but I might have to change them to emerald green now.

"Sweet cheeks" I'm squished by the weight that is Alice on top of my lap.

"Yes?" I ask trying not to tip over.

"Will you pretty please come out with us tonight?" she asks with her big puppy eyes. I don't have a meeting tonight and I wasn't doing anything so I guess that would be okay.

"Sure, as long as you don't hop on me again without me knowing" I tell her and Emmett is chanting something in the background. Jasper just slaps the back of his head.

"Eddie" I look up to see a skanky looking brunette. She's exotic looking too and I glared. I knew Masen's real name is Edward and she was allowed to call him Eddie. I wanted to throw her back onto the street and pound my fist into her perfect plastic face.

"Oh god, hide me" he muttered and got up. He didn't seem to want her and she seemed like a big nuisance. Emmett started laughing hard. I took his guitar from him when he handed it over and I pushed Alice off me onto jasper and sat in his seat. I curled up and with the guitar protectively in my lap. I knew how it was for me to give away my guitar when I had it. It was like my baby.

"Gina. Why the hell are you here? You know not to show your face around here!" he told her. The venom flowed from his mouth and I got a chill from the tone he was using with her. I hoped I would never be on that end of the tone.

"Eddie I thought-"oh god were they together?

"No you didn't think. We were over almost a half a year ago yet you still think we'll get back together. I'm not the one who slept around" he shouted and threw his arms up walking over to the back room. I wanted to comfort him, beat the bitch, and protect his guitar.

"Alice I'm leaving this here. Make sure crazy doesn't touch it" I nodded to Gina. I got up and she flinched when I lunged towards her. I walked over to the back room to see him gripping his hair sitting against the wall, well the corner, on the right. I walked over and sat down next to him.

"I think Alice will attack her soon. She's a good guard dog" I tried to joke and get him to smile but he just had a hard line on his face. He was glaring at the tiles. I bite my lip and leaned closer to him touching his arm. I was ready for him to flinch away from me but instead his arm leaned closer to me. I kneeled and went in front of him.

"Masen?" I asked but he didn't answer me. I bite my lip and debated whether I should make him look at me or just continue to talk to him with his head down. I pulled his face up to look at me and he didn't resist.

"She's a bitch. Do not let cold hearted snakes like her get to you" I tell him seriously and his eyes look a little red like he wants to cry but won't.

"I know I shouldn't but I was going to make a commitment to her. I thought I loved her then found out she was sleeping around. It just hurts that someone would do that when I gave my all. I even…never mind" he said. I got what he was trying to say. I was so infatuated with Jacob.

"I know what you mean. You do whatever to make them happy then they screw you over. My ex did that to me big time." I told him and I held my arm out to him. He looks up at me silently asking me to tell him.

"Jacob got me hooked on heroin when I was nineteen. I got clean when I was twenty two and I've been clean for two years. He made me a monster and then made me go into a mental hospital. I had a pretty normal life and then I hung out with the pack. It was so stupid but I was so screwed up I didn't think I deserved to do anything else" I told him and laughed a little. I was so stupid. I sat down on the ground in front of him and he traced the track marks like connect the dots.

"You haven't covered them with ink yet" he mumbled.

"I want them there but I don't at the same time. They keep me grounded so I remember never to relapse. I know I won't now but it's like I still need closure but I know I can't get it yet" I tell him. He brought my arm up to his lips and kissed each mark. It was one of the sweetest things someone has ever done to me.

"I felt numb like I wasn't good enough. If someone like her didn't want me then who would? I'm screwed up. I'm not a good person at all, I have a bad temper, and I'm tatted up and have piercings. I drink and smoke. I listen to strange music and I…" he hesitated for a while breathing in and out. It has to be something big. He remained quiet.

"Masen you can't believe that?" I was a little in shock. Everything he was was gorgeous.

"You listen to fuck awesome music. You look awesome tatted up and your piercings are pretty cool. Everyone drinks but only a few smokes but it's kind of hot. You have really thick hot hair and really white teeth. You're very muscled and have a broad chest" I went on and on. He just chuckled.

"Whatever Swan" he said getting up. He helped me up but I didn't let him leave. I held onto him tighter and kept still in my spot.

"I don't want you believing that…you can have any woman you want. Ask anyone" I tell him then let go of his arm and walk out right when I see my appointment coming in. Lizzie or Elizabeth was one of my best customers. All of her work was from me, so I guess you could call her loyal.

"Bitch!" she shrieked and grabbed onto me hugging me.

"Hello my little whore" I patted her head. The guys must have thought we were crazy but I grabbed her and plopped her down on my station that was conveniently next to Masen's. Sneaky little pixie, Masen came out a few moments later and went to his station straightening up a little.

"So Liz, what are we doing today?" I ask her pulling out my sketch pad and pencil.

"I was thinking about some cherry blossoms and my niece's hand prints" she said holding out a picture of the hand prints. Her niece had been few some surgeries because of her mother. Her mom was on heroin when she had her and never stopped. Her heart wasn't strong but now she was.

"That's so sweet. I'll get right on it" I started sketching out the hand prints and cherry blossoms. Emmett was working on someone else and the pixie was talking some girls into getting a cartilage piercing. Jasper was playing the guitar waiting for some walk INS since he was free. It was coming out great and I decided to ask her if she wanted color but I figure she would trust me. A tint of pink would do great with the pedals.

I got the stenciled and put it on her forearm.

"I love it!" she said looking down at it. It was beautiful. I couldn't wait to see it when it was completely done.

"Now you're sure you want it here?" I asked and she nodded lying down on the station. I grabbed my gun and felt good buzzing in my hand. I put the gun down making my first permanent mark and dragged it along her skin. She didn't flinch since she was used to it. The feeling of the needle buzzing into your skin and then the cool wipe of the cloth taking away the little bits of blood was comforting to Lizzie just like it was for me.

"Hey have you guys heard of the new ring opening tomorrow night?" Lizzie asked bringing me from my thoughts.

"Ring?" Alice asked walking over to us.

"Yeah, you know…the fighting ring?" she said as if everyone should have heard of it already. I never watched fighting much.

"Like an underground ring? There isn't any wrestling or boxing places around here" I tell her wiping off some more of the blood and drag it over all of the cherry blossoms. It looks put together like it belongs there on her.

"Duh, I don't mean legal. We should go to a match whore" she said looking up at me. I guess I could go to one of them.

"Sure. You get the tickets but get some for the rest of the gang too" I nod at everyone else.

"No problem" she says and looks down at the ink in awe.

"Bella you really want to go to an underground match?" Alice asks a bit shocked and then her eyes flash towards Edward who is working on cleaning up a bit of his station.

"Well yeah, I don't see anything wrong with it. You get paid more money, less rules, and you can drink while you watch two guys go at it. I'm a very happy woman at the moment" I tell her half jokingly and half serious. I did enjoy boxing because it was sort of an outlet. Liz skipped out of the shop happily with her new tattoo and I walked over to the couch and grabbed Masen's guitar. He didn't even look up when I started playing.

I entertained everyone with songs, even the customers, until Masen wanted to play for a bit but even then I didn't leave the couch when he sat next to me. Electricity ran through my body and sexual tension was high. After a while it was time to close since we were all done for the day.

"Okay boys, I and my lovely little darling Bella are going to go to my place and get ready for tonight. Meet us with Chinese around seven o'clock" she ordered and they all nodded. It seems like they were use to her telling them what to do. I was already used to it and it had only been two days. She grabbed my hand and tossed me into her Porsche.

"Hurry up darling!" Jasper called from the shop as we drove away. They all locked up and I noticed that my leather coat was in Masen's hands. Alice didn't even give me time to get anything but thank god I had my cell phone in my pocket. Alice blared her radio and Moulin Rouge's Tang de Roxanne came on. I started laughing.

"Alice, we used to watch this movie all the time" she nodded her head smiling. We both started singing. I took over Christian's part and she did the Argentinean's part.

"Feel free to leave me just don't deceive me and please believe me when I say….I love you!" I screamed out the car window and got some funny looks. A few people sang back though so at least we weren't eh only ones who enjoyed musicals. She pulled up to a large apartment building and we walked all the way to the top floor, in heels no less.

"Why do you live this far up?" I asked out of breath.

"Well I eat a lot so I want to be able to burn off all the calories" she replied giggling at my stance. I was hunched over breathing in hard.

"Sweetie you will be fine just go sit down on the couch while I find you something to wear" she opened the door and lets us in. I was in awe of her place. It spoke Alice. It was like walking in a fashion paradise. I sat on the couch catching my breath and she went straight into another room which I could assume was her bedroom or maybe a large closet just for her.

"I have it!" she came running out with a small pair of shorts and a black lacey baby doll top. My eyes went wide. It was basically a small scrap of fabric.

"Don't" she said when I was just about to protest wearing it. I didn't want them to think I was a cheap whore.

"Alice, I'll look like a lady of the night" I screeched in disgust.

"No you will look amazing and beautiful. A woman who wants a man, I mean you do want to catch the eye of a certain someone right" she asked innocently. Evil pixie loving matchmaker. I just grumbled and walked over into the bedroom swiping the top as I left and walking into the bedroom. Stupid outfit…

Lyrics

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling

I can't seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I'm convinced that there's)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled
Itself upon me distracting, reacting
(From: .)
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I'm convinced that there's)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real

There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
(Confusing what is real)
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling
(Confusing what is real)

A/N: Hey sorry it's been a while since I've updated but with school and I'm trying to help with some xmas gifts with my awesome video editing but my real computer is gone and I'm using my mom's…yeah…sorry…anyway I will be updating Friday so you can look forward to that :3 and hopefully I'll have my laptop by then and I'll post a trailer for this fan fiction and what is going to come :D Subscribe to me on YouTube!

Also I will be posting on my blogger pictures of what outfits look like and tattoos. If anyone has questions or comments or concerns that you want to be private just message me 3

Remember to Review because if I get like a lot of reviews then ill update earlier :3