The house Neal told us about is perfect for the Darling's. It has all the space we need and then some. It looks out onto the ocean and I can see the boats in the harbour coming in and out at all time's of day. The house is warm and cozy and it's all I could hope for. Of course, I miss our old brownstone in London, but it's long gone and I need to move on, and grow up.
The first night we stay in our new home, we all sleep in the same room with our mattresses on the floor and candles lighting up the room. We all take turns reading from our favourite books- The Velveteen Rabbit, the Hans Christian Andersen collection, Pride and Prejudice. I luxuriate in the feel of the cool paper underneath my fingertips and the exquisite detail of the words on the page. I had dreamt of being reunited with these pages for so long, the stories had all blended together. Mr. Darcy now took the roll of the Prince in Thumbelina, and I couldn't quite remember if Pride and Prejudice had involved magic. But the stories become clear and solidify in front of me, my voice bringing the stories back into reality for me, just like my life was beginning to be.
We fall asleep by the light of candles and I burrow deeper into the downy comforter that we managed to find. This is the safest I've felt for a very long time. I don't have Pan's or the Lost Boy's hanging over me. The threat of Pan is no longer an option and I feel safe enough to go to sleep without worry. But my subconscious disagrees.
I wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat with my arms and legs tangled up in the sheets, crying and screaming out Pan's name. My heart beats so fast I'm afraid it will leap right out of my chest. I can still hear their shouts and jeers, feel them pull at my clothes and hair, their grimy fingers poking and prodding at me, dotting me with bruises. I can still see his smile in the darkness, his smirk that tells me he's got me, and I'm his and that no matter what I do, I'll never be able to escape. They can take the girl out of Neverland, but they can't take Neverland out of the girl, the laugh in my head tells me.
Tears stream down my face, leaving salty tracks all over my skin. My breaths are short and shallow and my head feels dizzy as I continue to scream. Even though I know I'm not dreaming anymore I can still feel his presence, I can almost see the Shadow moving across the walls, spying and jeering me, a constant reminder that Pan's not really gone, even if he is trapped in the Box.
I scream and thrash around as John and Michael, both roused from their sleep try and console me but it's no use. I feel as if the inky blackness of the Shadow has caught a hold of my throat and I feel like I'm suffocating. I heave and cry and try and swallow back air, but its no use at all. I claw at my hair and try and wipe away the tears. I tug on my clothes and throw back the sheets as John and Michael look on, not having a single clue as what to do. I choke out apologies to them and try to explain how I feel but neither of them understand. Their faces are just complete confusion and my throat feels even tighter knowing they are powerless to this.
I fly out to the porch and catch myself on the railing. I lean over in and dry heave into the bushes. My mouth tastes bitter and salty, like blood and vomit. Tear stream down my face. I wipe at my mouth and my face, trying to get rid of the physical signs of my terror. I look up the sky as if for some help. I feel so dizzy, tilting my head up.
My eyes catches on the stars and sees the second star to the right. It's still there. It hasn't moved. I'm not in Neverland, I remind myself as I stare at the star. The cool night air whips around me as I breath it in and focus my breathing, trying to grasp at anything to calm me down. And after what seems like hours, I do. I pick myself up and slowly make my way up the stairs and back down into the room where my brothers are.
They still sit there, completely bewildered. I try and open my mouth, but I can't seem to find the words to explain how I'm haunted, how I can't shake Peter, how I'm still terrified. I just begin to sob and crawl over to them and throw my arms around their shoulders. They comfort me and whisper words of encouragement, but I still can't shake the feeling of Pan.
We eventually fall asleep in a dog pile, but I spend the rest of the night in a half-daze, not wanting to go back to the nightmares, but also wanting desperately to be rid of them .