"Jasper…" Esme's shaking and barely-there voice muttered. "She is still here with us every day. What she has done for you will be in you forever. The improvements you have made in your hunger are evidence of her existence."

I shook my head. I knew what she said to be true. Alice gave me everything, making me into the "man" I am today. I owed everything to her. Her. I owed everything to only her, and without her present in my existence, there was no purpose for me on this Earth. I turned away from Esme and sat back into my desk chair, placing my head in my hand. I used my spare hand to thumb through the pages of my first edition Human, All Too Human by Nietzsche that Alice had gifted to me for our wedding. A bitter irony that the book prosed upon me was not lost in this moment.

"That is a well-loved book of yours no?" she asked gently, crouching down beside me at my desk. I could only nod, more tears impossibly welling in my eyes. "I think you should hold on just a bit longer son. It is a selfish thing of me to ask, I'm aware, but I know that this year is going to be different. You were accepted into Gettysburg College, a famously historic college with involvement in the Civil War. I truly believe that being there, studying philosophy, and becoming reacquainted with your young Major self would be the best thing for your soul."

I had to admit. I too believed what she was saying. I lost that part of myself when Alice left. It could provide a unique opportunity to rebuild myself, and I had promised Alice that one day it would be done. I had never suspected that it would be without her by my side.

"For you Esme." I whispered gazing deeply into her eyes, sending her waves of relief. A gesture that may have been unnecessary, for she took me into a tight embrace faster than I could reciprocate.

"I know that you only stayed with us for her Jasper, but you are a part of this family and we all care greatly for you. Carlisle will be very happy to hear that you'll go. Would you like to tell him yourself? I do think that would be best." She pushed with a bright smile.

I nodded. "Could I have a minute, to process?"

"Of course!" she exclaimed. "I'll leave you alone then." She exclaimed gently already on her way out of the door.

I sat in my office, reading through my heavily worn and dogeared book. My notes in the margins proved entertaining. Bereavement of a mate can alter your thoughts and perceptions of everything, philosophy not excluded. The notes seemed overly positive and joyous. I cannot fathom having those type of emotions ever again, but I could be wrong. Perhaps this new degree from a historically important college could prove enlightening. I chuckled out loud at the idea.

The night was rather uneventful. More masquerading around my family ensued as I informed them of my decision to attend college for the first time since her absence. Could Esme actually be right? This charade felt easier tonight.