Chapter 2: Why Can't I Love Him?

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Edward. Stephenie Meyer owns all except for my Edward cutout and numerous Edward posters=)

Jim

After a long, grueling night at work, I returned home to my apartment that I shared with my old college buddy Nick. It sucked to be nearly thirty years old and still living with my college roommate. Izzie and I had spoken briefly about us moving in together, but as usual she shut me down rather quickly saying that she enjoyed living alone for once in her life and that it was moving too fast for her. I had dropped the subject and hadn't brought it up since.

Izzie never made life easy. She was very complicated and I wanted desperately to understand her odd behavior and unique point of vue. She was definitely not one for being too open with her emotions. I had a feeling that most of her fears of intimacy had come from whatever had gone down in her home town before she entered college. I had brought up her past a few times and she had told me bits and pieces but had been quite curt. She'd said she had been dating someone, she didn't give a name or description just that it was a very serious relationship that had ended badly. She said she was very hurt and it took a long time for her to get over it. She insisted that she had in fact gotten over it. Sometimes I wasn't so sure.

Wasn't it some sort of unwritten rule that most girls wanted their boyfriends to devote all of their spare time to them, tell them they loved them, be intimate with them, move in with them and eventually marry them. It was in this way that Izzie Swan was different from most other women. She had insisted that she was very comfortable with our relationship just the way it was and that if we truly cared deeply for each other then why complicate things with marriage and living situations. Her excuses had sounded rational to me a year ago, but to be honest since then I'd been hoping for something more. I know most guys would kill to be in this situation, but I was nearly thirty and ready to settle down.

One night about six months after our first date we'd gone out. She was sitting across the table from me at La Fiesta, a Mexican joint we frequented for quesadillas and margaritas. We were talking about the usual school, work etc… and I couldn't help myself. She was being so well for lack of a better word so Izzie. That night I'd said it, the three words that most women can't wait to hear from their steady boyfriends.

"I love you Izzie." I had said

She had nearly choked on her quesadilla. After she'd drunk some water and had stopped coughing, she'd looked at me her eyes wide for just a second and then she went right back on talking about some paper she had due the next day like I hadn't said a word. I was hurt and a little disappointed at her reaction, but I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it at a restaurant. The ride home was extremely awkward. We'd rode in silence most of the way. When we neared her dorm she spoke softly.

" I'm sorry about earlier. This is moving a little to fast for me and I'm scared that if I don't say anything we won't be together anymore, but if I do say something I might not be saying it and meaning it."

She was looking down at her seatbelt. I'd felt like a rotten jerk that night. It had after all only been six months and she was a few years younger than I was so I'd decided not to push her. She'd tell me when she was ready I assured myself. That theory came and went a long time ago.

We'd come a long way since then. She never had said I love you back, but she was okay with me saying it. Her usual response was a genuine smile and a quick I know. She frequently said she appreciated me and to me that was usually enough, but for some reason lately I'd been longing to hear her say it just once to me and to mean it. I sighed. Lately we'd been having a really great time dancing and laughing and talking The three time a week dance tutorials I'd insisted we sign up for, so that we wouldn't make asses of ourselves this Saturday at the benefit seemed to be just what we'd needed to spice things up a little.

She had protested the lessons at first but agreed grudgingly. After the first one she loosened up and we had a lot of fun. I'd hate to see that end. After nearly two years she was finally beginning to seem content without distraction. Give it another six months and I think she'll be ready. I thought to myself as I changed out of my work clothes and into my more comfortable dance attire.

Bella

Again I was rushing around. I couldn't find my leotard. We were going to be late for dance class again. I was running late as usual. I was supposed to meet Jim at the studio at 7. It was five to 7 now and I still couldn't find it. I did another mad dash around the apartment and finally saw the edge of it sticking out of my bottom dresser drawer. Now how did it get in there I thought. Whatever I'm late and it doesn't matter.

I rushed down the stairs and into my Impala. I was so glad not to be driving my old Chevy truck. It was a thousand years old and although Jacob had put many continuous hours into keeping it up it had finally died. I was paying little attention to the road when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a tall figure with pale, granite skin and just a glimpse of that wild bronze hair. My heart skipped a beat. Was he here in Portland? I knew I was late already but I couldn't help but pursuing this ridiculous notion that somehow Edward was here in Portland. I turned down the street where I thought I saw him. OF course I didn't see him. What did I just think he was going to be standing there against his shiny silver Volvo like nothing had happened? I must be out of my mind. Bella you're being completely ridiculous. I told myself. He's not here, you're late for dance class and Jim isn't going to be happy.

I turned around and headed in the direction of the dance studio. Get a grip Bella. You were doing so well. Another year or so and maybe I'd forget him altogether. Fat chance! I thought shaking my head. The reality was that I'd probably never get over Edward Cullen. My life was doomed.

Edward

I knew I shouldn't have but I did. I looked up her address in Portland and I went to her house. I watched through the window as she ran frantically around the bedroom. Seeing her even from a distance made my dead heart almost want to beat. She was looking for something and getting more and frustrated by the minute. She glanced at her watch sighed and started looking again. She found it. A piece of black clothing she'd been searching for. She threw it in her bag and grabbed her keys. She ran out the door so fast she forgot to lock it. She got into a silver Chevy Impala and sped away. I was relieved to see that she wasn't driving that death trap anymore. I ran after her keeping to the shadows. I wasn't sure why but I just had to know where she was going in such a hurry. She passed an intersection and for a split second she looked in my direction.

Her eyes flew wide open and she opened her mouth in shock. "Shit!" Had she seen me? I moved with lightening speed, but I think she saw me. I climbed to the top of a tall building and watched her from there. She turned her car down the street I'd been on and drove slowly. She was looking for me. I held my breath (as if I had any) After a minute she shook her head slowly and turned her car back onto the main road.

I wanted to continue following her but I didn't want to chance her seeing me again. Maybe she would think her mind was playing tricks on her this once, but if she saw me twice she was too smart not to figure out that I was following her.

Jim

I'd been at the dance studio for nearly twenty minutes when she finally arrived. She was flushed pink like she'd been running and she looked flustered.

"Jim I'm so sorry I'm late she said apologetically. I couldn't find my leotard."

I laughed heartily. One of the things I loved most about her was that her apartment was total chaos. Nothing was every where it should be. Once she'd even found her car keys in the freezer.

"It's okay," I said crossing the room.

"Calm down." I put my hands around her and pulled her close to me for a kiss, but instead of relaxing into my arms like she usually did she stiffened slightly and pulled away insisting she had to get changed.

The entire night while we were dancing she seemed preoccupied. She insisted it was about a paper she had due on Monday, but I wasn't buying it. Something had seriously upset her. Sometimes it bothered me that she didn't confide in me when she was upset. To tell the truth she didn't really confide in anyone. Her two closest girlfriends Haley and Veronica could attest to that. They'd lived with her three years and knew next to nothing about her life before she'd moved to Portland.

I had once asked them point blank if they knew much about Izzie's past and if she'd told them anything about her past relationship or about her feelings for me. They said they only knew what I knew, but that she had been a wreck when she first came here and was doing much better. At the time that satisfied my curiosity, but now I had to wonder how a high school relationship could have disturbed her life that much. I had once made the mistake of asking her if the guy had hurt her physically.

Her reaction was something I'd never seen in her before, anger to the utmost degree. She had slapped me clean across the face and told me no and to never ask her something so hideous again. She had never apologized for that reaction either.

Dance class ended and I had planned a quiet dinner for two back at my place.

"How about I drive and then I can bring you to get your car later," I suggested taking her hand in mine.

She squirmed out of my grasp and mumbled something about wanting to get home and go to bed early because she had class early tomorrow. She was lying, but I didn't know why. I knew her first class on Fridays started at noon.

I didn't call her on it like I hadn't the many other times she'd made such similar excuses. Loving her had come with a whole lot of putting up with what I liked to call Izzie's quirks. I kissed her goodnight and told her I'd call her tomorrow. Maybe things weren't getting better. I thought we'd been closer than ever this week, but tonight she seemed like she was a million miles away.

Bella

The entire dance class passed by in a blur. I couldn't stop thinking about Edward. I knew I had hurt Jim when I'd refused his dinner invitation. He was so romantic and he'd been so patient with me from the start. He hadn't even pressured me to be intimate. Of course it had come up but I told him I just wasn't ready for that and that I hadn't experienced intimacy with anyone before. He has reassured me that it wasn't the most important thing in a relationship and that he would wait as long as I needed. He might be waiting forever if I couldn't get over seeing my ex-vampire everywhere. Her really was a good man for putting up with all of my bullshit. I'd have thought he'd have been gone long ago. I didn't deserve him. My cell rang and it snapped me back to reality.

The caller ID said Veronica calling.

"Izzie, Jim just called me all upset. He's really worried about you. He said you were barely coherent at dance class tonight and that you left rather abruptly. He said you guys were supposed to have dinner together. What's going on?" Veronica never beat around the bush. She was always direct. It came in handy having a friend like her that is until she was directing her fire at you.

I sighed. I couldn't explain it to her. She'd known how distraught I'd been my first year of school, but I hadn't explained much. I'd just said I'd been hurt and wasn't yet over it. I couldn't tell anyone that I couldn't possibly give my heart to anyone because I had already given it completely to someone else. Someone that I was still hopelessly in love with. Someone I was hallucinating about just this very night. If I explained even part of it now I know she'd tell Jim and they'd both think I was crazy or even worse that I was just pathetic, which I totally was. It's better if they just think I'm commitment shy.

"I'm just really stressed out right now with grad school and with this whole dance thing he wants me to do. I've just been feeling overwhelmed lately and I need to get some sleep or I'm going to implode."

I wasn't really lying to my best friend. I really did need to sleep. I was hallucinating. That wasn't normal, even for me.

"Iz can I tell you something and promise me you're not going to get angry with me?"

"Sure, you can tell me."

"Iz I think Jim wants more than this high school relationship you seem to be so content with. I think he wants to get married," She blurted out.

I was shocked into silence.

"Iz are you there?"

I found my voice. "Do you really think that he's going to propose? Did he tell you that? I thought we talked about this and he said he was happy where we were." I stammered into the phone nervously.

"Iz I think he was happy where you were, but it's been two years. The man is madly in love with you. He's allowed for your fears of intimacy, your desire to be independent and live alone, and the fact that I've never heard you tell the man you love him, he's a great guy, but even he has his limits. He's not going to wait forever. What's the problem? Don't you love him?"

And there it was right out in the open, the million dollar question. Did I love him?

I searched for something to say that wouldn't sound awful. There wasn't anything, at least anything that would be the truth.

"What do you mean do I love him? He's my boyfriend we've been together two years. If I didn't care about him I wouldn't stay with him." She was quiet for a minute.

"Iz I think you just found your answer. You can't even say you love him. You need to tell him before he goes out and does something crazy."

"Crazy like what Veronica?"

My thoughts were running wild. Had he bought a ring? Surely I thought he'd wait a little longer before jumping head first into something like that. My heart began to race.

"Iz ask yourself this question. If Jim asked you to marry him tomorrow, what would you say?"

"I don't know." I said honestly. "I do care about him deeply. I want to be with him. He makes me laugh and I love spending time together, but I'm just not sure I'm ready for marriage. I'm only 23. Why do people always have to be in such a rush to do things? Why is taking things slowly always considered the wrong thing?" I was steamed by this point.

"My parents rushed into marriage and it only lasted about a year. "

"Look Iz I'm not telling you to end it. I'm just saying that I wouldn't be surprised if he ends it when you say no to his proposal."

"Ver he didn't actually buy a ring did he?" I asked in horror.

"Not that I'm aware of, but he has been asking questions about your jewelry preferences specifically what cut of diamond you might like."

I groaned throwing myself down on the bed. Why couldn't I just love him back? Why didn't I feel that way? Every other girl in the entire world was entirely envious of my boyfriend. He was sweet, kind, thoughtful, romantic, patient, had a great job, was very handsome and treated me with love and respect. Any girl would kill to have what I had and I was going to throw it down the tubes as usual. Good one Bella.

Haha so does anyone think Bella is an idiot for not loving Jim or that Jim is an idiot for staying with Bella?

Please review. I'd like to know if anyone is reading. Shout outs to my first four reviewers. Vamp1001, Lulubelle09, Carafina, and Verox29 You're awesome!