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The first of three spirits: the ghost of Christmas past.
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Azula does not sleep a wink, though she tries. She tosses and turns. Mostly she waits. Midnight comes. The Gong tolls. For a moment she holds her breath in anticipation. But nothing happens. She feels like a fool for expecting anything different. She sighs in relief. The relief is short lived. Moments later, her room is filled with the most vivid light. A high, childish voice is apologising rapidly for being late and blathering excuses. The light dims and she can see the source.
It's the fucking Avatar of all people.
Not the avatar as he is now, a 15-year-old gangly man-child, who is determined to teach Ty Lee to focus on airbending no matter how patient sighs and shiny things it takes.
(Shiny things are the best motivator for Ty Lee.)
Azula is steadfastly ignoring Ty Lee's airbending, in the vain hope that it will go away.
Ty Lee still visits her all the time, whenever she is back in the firenation with the Avatar (which is quite frequently). The last few occasions, she has bought the Avatar with her. Ty Lee thinks the Avatar is "an old soul" and that he, with his infinite temple wisdom and childish joy in everything, is meant to "help" Azula. Azula thinks this is preposterous and makes many sarcastic comments to this effect, but agrees, simply because it is Ty Lee asking.
Ty Lee is her oldest friend. Her only proper friend now that Mai has severed all ties and has gone off to have adventures and be a bounty hunter.
The Avatar's visits are pointless for helping her. However the last visit was wonderfully diverting. Simply because the Avatar got frustrated. This is a sight as rare as unicorns, as rare as Bossy peasant not being bossy, as rare as Zuko not being awkward. And The Avatar wasn't frustrated with her – but with Ty Lee.
Ty Lee was nearing master level, but she had resolutely refused to consider shaving half her head. And she would only consider getting the tattoos if they could be "girly" and "swirly" and "pink". Blue arrows would not work for her complexion or with any of her outfits. Ty Lee was being vain – and the Avatar saw this as a bad thing. Azula simply thought that vanity was a natural consequence of looking like Ty Lee. If Azula looked like that, she'd be vain as all fuck too.
Azula did her best to stir the argument between them, alternatively taking sides and fuelling discord with cheeky comments. She thought that Ty Lee would be so mad that she'd never want to see the Avatar again, let alone be an airbender. But then the Avatar ruined it by being "sweet".
He'd gotten her an outfit made up that was much like her circus costume, just in oranges instead of pinks. He'd told her that she could be an airbender her own way and didn't have to follow his ways. He'd completely capitulated – the coward! He did it all to make Ty Lee happy – the idiot!
Azula had heard so much about how stubborn the Avatar was about his beliefs and the ways of his people. She had not anticipated this outcome. She has resented the Avatar (the slimy friend thief) and his "sweetness" ever since. Thankfully for the spirit, he does not look like the Avatar as he actually is now (otherwise he would get such a slap).
No, the spirit that stands before her looks like the Avatar as he was then, back when she first knew him as a child. He looks so young. Baby-soft. Baby-innocent. His innocence is written all over his face. It is so delicate that it almost demands that other people be mindful of it and take care of it. Azula has no time for his innocence. She never did.
Azula snaps "Save it baldy! I don't have time for any of your doe-eyed, let's love everyone bullshit tonight" before he even has a chance to open his mouth.
The child-like Avatar ignores her protests. He gestures at the window and says that they should probably get going. He adds sheepishly that he was a bit late, and they don't really have much time. Azula stomps her foot and says "I'm not going anyway with you Avatar – so you can just shove it".
The Avatar claims that he is not the Avatar. He is the Ghost of Christmas Past. He only seems like the Avatar because that is how she imagines him. He explains this in great detail. He appears to people as a child, someone they associate with innocence. Who that child looks like depends entirely on the person he is appearing to.
This has got to be her most elaborate hallucination ever. Azula knew she was crazy, but she did not think she was this crazy.
It seems like the Avatar, oops the Ghost of Christmas Past, reads her mind, because he quickly tells her that she is not crazy. He can prove it to her too. He can take her to the past. All she has to do is take his hand. Also it is not really a request. They will go to the past whether she wills it or no, but the journey will be exceedingly quicker and more comfortable if she holds his hand.
After a moment's hesitation, she does, muttering "may as well get this over with" under her breath.
The Avatar gives her a slightly admonishing look and says "You shouldn't be so glum. I like to start all my adventures on a more upbeat note. And for all you know, we are going to have so much fun together."
"Now I really want to just get this over with." Azula sneers back.
The Avatar smiles, and says "well, lets go then!" enthusiastically. He takes her outstretched hand and they lurch towards the window at an astonishing speed. Azula is terrified. She is not an airbender like the airheaded child Avatar. She'll fall. She hates the sensation of falling. Before she can protest, the Avatar grips her hand and whoops out a joyous "geronimo!" This is the last thing Azula hears before a great and terrible Whooooooooosh!
Colours blur and dance and run together. The world spins tospy-turvy. Just as abruptly her feet slam into the ground, and she lands on her back, in a strange yet familiar place.
They are in the royal library. Ten years ago.
Azula stands in front of her younger self, gobsmacked. The Avatar looks pleased with himself, but resists saying " I told you so." Before her very eyes, Azula sees a younger version on herself. The Avatar asks her what she is doing. The sight, the smell in the library brings it all back to her. A thousand little cares and thoughts, all seemingly insignificant now.
She wanted to be outside playing with Zuko and Lu Ten– but she couldn't because she was "special." Sometimes she hated being "special". But she also loved it. Grandfather will be at dinner this evening. Her father likes her to be able to curry favour with grandfather. Father thinks the best way to do this is by knowing his successful strategies and complimenting him on them. Azula has been tasked with studying them.
"Rar! I am the giant Earthbending monster and I shall gobble you all up!" comes Lu Ten's deep voice from outside. "Not if you can't catch me first!"a young Zuko taunts back. There is the sound of a scuffle and running feet and a shriek of delight. Young Azula looks towards the sound. Her eyes are wistful. They are lonely. She turns back to the book. The rustling of the papers is the only sound in the room.
"Airbenders don't understand these things." the Avatar remarks.
"You weren't ever lonely as a child?" Azula asks.
" In the temples, those who were born in the same year as you, who lived in the same temple, were your brothers. I had over 200 brothers, when I was your age here." The Avatar explains mildly.
"sheesh, and I thought one brother was more than enough! Airbenders really don't understand these things." Azula replies. Just then, her more-than-enough brother knocks loudly on the library door.
His voice, young, much higher than it is now, calls from beyond the wood panelling. "Azula? Are you done in there yet? It's time to play Azuuuuuula."
Lu Ten shushed him. "She'll come out when she's ready Snugs. You shouldn't bother her now. You know how mad your dad gets when you do that."
Zuko, even at nine years old possesses the tact of a catapult, says bluntly "He's always mad. You know that!"
"Yes, he is. But Snugs, you shouldn't try and make him mad okay." Lu Ten, trying to warn him, even then.
"I don't try to! He just gets mad" Zuko is defensive.
"I know you don't Snugs" Lu Ten, backing down, not wanting to continue down this path. Not wanting to blame Zuko for their father's temper. Too late though and her sensitive brother has already heard the unspoken accusation.
Lu Ten speaks again, his voice comforting. "Hey, don't make that face. Come here." a pause. A hug. "We're friends again right? Good."
" I'm still going in to see if Azula is done with her smelly books." Zuko declares.
Lu Ten sighs audibly, as Zuko bursts into the room. He darts over to Azula and slams shut the book she is reading, declaring that boring, stinky book time is over!
Is it any wonder that Azula is still better at history and all the other boring, stinky book related things than her stupid big brother?
Young Azula pretends to be annoyed and makes much ado about how she just wants to be left alone to study. But Azula remembers how delighted she had been to be interrupted. Oh how easily she was persuaded to abandon the books. Zuko cajoled her into a pointless game of hide-and-seek/run away from the big scary earthbending giant monster.
The big scary monster is actually Lu Ten – who makes spooky groaning noises and says things like "Fie Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood to tiny childruuuun!" this causes much panicked shrieking on Zuko and Azula's part and they flee!
There is a great hiding space under the stairs. Young Azula gets there first, but she magnanimously lets Zuko hide with her – only to kick him out just as the monster is coming. Zuko protests indignantly. The monster laughs at their antics and scoops them both up. There is much play wrestling.
Sometime later, Lu Ten flops on the ground exhausted. The both snuggle up to him, in a way that they would never dare do to their father, or even their Uncle (who would sometimes play games with them when he was back from the front). Zuko says that he wishes every Christmas could be like this.
Lu Ten's face goes serious and he sits up. "I wish every Christmas could be like this too kids. But you guys know that I'm going to be at the front next year, so next year will be a little different." Zuko and Azula both nod solemnly. Even at this young age, they can tell that this is serious grown up talk.
"So next Christmas, I'll need you guys to look out for each other okay. You, Snugs will need to make sure that Young Miss here gets some fun and doesn't shut out the world during the holidays. And you, my little Miss Azula, will need to keep this sneaky Snugs out of trouble."
There is a slight pause, before Lu Ten says "When I get return, you guys can go back to throwing carrots at each other, but just promise me you'll look after each other while I'm gone."
They both promise.
At the time, they meant it.
The scene darkens and fades. Azula keeps her eyes on Lu Ten, til the very last second.
Christmas the next year, is a sombre affair. The Seige still continues. The adults are thrown off kilter by this. The firenation cannot fail, and yet it has not succeeded. Uncle and Lu Ten are gone. Firelord Azulon is unavailable for christmas dinner because he has things to do and he is disappointed in father. Father is angry. Mother is sick again. She is sick because Father is angry at her. Azula remembers it all. There has been shouting a few nights ago. Several loud bangs. Azula sees her Mother putting on a brave face and not wanting to "ruin Christmas". She sees her Mother making sure they have a nice little feast, just the three of them. Their father comes home in the middle of it. Azula, older now, realises that he is disgustingly drunk. As a child she thought he was just walking that way to be funny. Mother's eyes go wide in fear. There is a sharp intake of breathe from all three of them.
The Avatar Ghost watches it all with her. Then he says "It's like your dad just did an forbidden lungbend." with an almost academic interest. Azula does not understand what on earth that means.
"It's like he pushed out all the breathable air out of the room until there was none left for the three of you." The Avatar explains, before giving her a worried and sympathetic glance. She wants to give him a slap – to take that look off his face.
But he's not wrong. She has to give him that too. Dad pushing out the breathable air? It was exactly like that.
Mother couldn't survive it.
Neither could Zuko.
The only one who could live and thrive in that toxic atmosphere was Azula.
Mother assesses the situation in an instant, her clever eyes are appraising. She gets up, she wanders over to Father. She places a hand on his arm; a hand that could be affectionate, or restraining, depending on how charitable you feel to the persons involved. Azula can tell she's scared. But she is firm when she admonishes father with a hissed "not in front of the children."
Father's eyes narrow in anger. Mother weighs her options and quickly changes tactics "Just let me put them to bed, and then you and I can have some alone time. You beautiful man you." She winks. Azula can't help but observe that her mother was a clever woman. Appealing to the massive and giant ego. The only constant with their father. Father nods at her eagerly, "well, get rid of them then".
Azula knows there is no desire then. Not at that stage in the game. She remembers Mother insisting on separate bedrooms. Father, possessive and lustful, always trying to get back in. Azula looks at her mother with new eyes. The things she'd do to protect them from their father's wrath. It came to naught in the end, but at least she tried.
Azula sees the rest of the scene play out, as if from a distance. She tries to distance herself at least. She tries to pretend that this happened to someone else, as she sees her mother grab her hand and Zuko's hand and walk them down the hall. Far away down the hall. To the guest rooms. She picks the one furthest away from the dining room.
Mother spends the whole time insisting that "everything is fine" and "everything is alright". All that this insisting will do is give both her children an intense mistrust of these words. When everything is really fine, no one feels the need to insist over and over again that "everything is fine".
Mother says that they are playing a game called 'lets sleep in a different room tonight'. They should both stay here tonight. They should just stay here, and not come out. Leaving the room is against The Rules of The Game. They shouldn't come out, no matter what they hear.
Zuko sometimes played the Tsungi horn for her when their parents fought. It drowned out the sound for the most part. He doesn't have the horn right now and so they hear everything as clear as a bell. They hear shouting. Lots of it. About Azula being a monster and Zuko being useless. Then crashes. Then the bad sort of silence.
Azula doesn't know which is worse.
Late at night, there is a conversation. Zuko and Azula are sharing the bed and lying top to tail. Zuko puts his big foot in her face and begins.
"Hey Azula – are you awake?"
"I am now. Dum dum."
"Fine! Be like that!"
"Well you just put you're stinky foot in my face – what do you expect."
"My foot isn't stinky and I just wanted to say something to you. But I wont now that you are being all cranky."
"What is it? You can't put your foot in my face and then not tell me."
"Look I just wanted to tell you that …..I don't think your turning into a monster."
"No?"
"No. You're turning into a prickly, annoying smartarse...but not a monster."
"Oh...err...thanks?"
"You're welcome."
"Hey Zuko..."
"Yeah?"
"I'm only going to say this once, and if you tell Dad I said it – I'll kill you in your sleep and do a really smelly fart in your room on my way out...but...You're not useless. Okay."
"Thanks"
….
…..
….
"Hey Azula – are you still awake.
"Yeeesss – because somebody wont shut up."
"I just want to say merry Christmas."
"urgh – fine, merry Christmas Zuko."
Next Christmas, Azula is nine and Zuko is eleven. Their mother is gone. Their brave, kind cousin is dead. So is their grandfather (but he was never kind to either of them, so they are less affected by this loss). Their Uncle has ensconced himself inside his room. He takes no visitors. He welcomes no comforts. He pretends it is not Christmas.
They are not allowed to be sad about any of it. Those are The Rules of Dad's game. It's a game called do exactly as I say, agree with me always, flatter my ego, never question me... and I wont hurt you.
Zuko is dreadful at this game. He was much better at lets sleep in a different room tonight.
Dad has banned the mention of Mother and Lu Ten. You do not say their names. Dad has banned all variations on three questions. Where is mother? How did grandfather really die? Should we check on Uncle? Any of these questions will lead to Trouble. Zuko finds himself In Trouble a lot lately, especially for questions 1 and 3.
Question 3 is really worrying him today. Uncle is now officially Not Eating. In anyone, this would be a concerning sign. For Uncle with his vast jolly girth, and his endless appetite for...everything, it is beyond troublesome. The cook has told their father and received what she considered an inadequate response. The cook has since had a word to Zuko.
Dad is out. He has set Azula a vast amount of battle strategies to memorise. She is in the library again. Zuko comes, silent as a shadow, and asks her if she would like to visit Uncle with him. Maybe seeing them might help. Maybe they can try get him to eat something.
"We can't just sit here and do nothing!" he insists
"Why not?" Azula is nonchalant. Sitting here and doing nothing was exactly her plan.
"Because he's our Uncle."
"Associating with Uncle will get you into Trouble. There's not point cultivating an alliance there Zuko. He's not powerful any more." She's trying to warn him really. Dad hates it when people prefer Uncle. Dad is the one they have to worry about.
" He's our Uncle – how can you say that?" Zuko says cross. He is looking at her with their mother's evaluating gaze and then adds in a tone so scolding he also obviously picked that up from her too. "Is that all anything is about with you? Power?" He says it like focusing on power is a bad thing.
"Yes, it is. Of course it is. Everything is." Azula is airy.
But, at the end of the day, everything in their lives is about power; who has it, who doesn't, how to get more.
Azula thinks about these things. Zuko doesn't.
This is the most crucial difference between them.
"Whatever." Zuko is frustrated and giving up on this conversation. Giving up on her.
He looks at her like he's never been so disappointed or disgusted. Azula feels a twang deep inside. She shouldn't even care what Zuko thinks of her, really. There is no use cultivating an alliance with Zuko either, so his opinion shouldn't really matter.
He turns to leave. He's actually just going to go and leave her on Christmas. Azula doesn't want to be left alone on Christmas. It is a weakness in her, she knows. It's a weakness she hasn't conquered yet, obviously, because she hears herself call out "no, wait. Don't go. I'll come with you."
She meant it at the time.
-o-
She loses her nerve, two steps into Uncle's room. The smell of unwashed sheets and unwashed human just hits them right in the face. Their Uncle, famed General, one of the most respected men in the firenation, is huddled in the foetal position on his bed. This grieving, empty shell of a person is not the Uncle that she knows.
This strange man scares her. All this emotion frightens her. It's too crushing. There's too much despair. Uncle has aged a thousand years in six months. He never laughs any more. Azula doesn't understand what happened to him. Where did the other guy, the other Uncle, the one who liked tea, lame jokes and hot baths go?
The man who looks like Uncle mumbles "go away."
"It's me and Azula, Uncle". Zuko says next to her, trying for a normal tone, as if the fact that it is them would make a jot of difference.
"It's not me" Azula says quickly, bowing out.
She can't do this.
Zuko flashes her a look of confusion and disappointment. "I'll go outside and keep a lookout, in case dad comes home early". She offers lamely. An excuse to cover her cowardice. Zuko understands though, and he just nods towards the door. She waits outside, peering in.
Zuko approaches Uncle the same way one would approach a wild animal; cautiously. He shakes Uncle gently with his left hand. The right hand holds a plate aloft. Uncle's head emerges, irritated from the blankets. "I said go away" he barks.
But his eyes suddenly go wide with incomprehension as he stares at Zuko standing above him.
He looks like he doesn't recognise Zuko properly. Indeed, this is because he doesn't. Uncle whispers, with his voice shaking with tremulous fragile hope, "Lu Ten?"
Zuko and Lu Ten only look vaguely alike. Its something in the jawline.
"No, it's me. It's Zuko." Azula can tell that her brother is startled and upset by this development, but he tries not to show it. From her vantage point on this spirit journey, she can see her young brother hesitate, unsure. She sees that he thinks that maybe their Uncle really is losing it.
A terrible silence. A Lu Ten shaped hole in everybody.
"It's so dark in here, how about I open these curtains for you." Zuko offers.
"No".
"oh...okay. I brought you some komodo chicken." Zuko, trying again, waggles the plate at Uncle.
"I don't care for it." Uncle's voice is dead and flat and empty.
"What would you prefer? Cook will make you whatever you want."
Uncle wants nothing but to be left in peace.
There is another silence. This one is an awkward stubborn one. Zuko remains rooted to the spot, hesitating for a second. Then he puts the plate down on the table next to the bed. There is a soft chink. It sounds like one of the noises mother's chains made.
"Well, I'm going to leave this here for you." Zuko says kindly, then he adds firmly, in a good imitation of Mother's brisk tone "I think you should eat it all the same. It's better than eating nothing."
Uncle says nothing, but rolls away.
"I'm not leaving until you eat some of it." Zuko crosses his arms. Slightly impatient.
No response from Uncle.
"Fine then! If you don't eat at least some, I am going to sing this is the song that doesn't end until you do." He sounds angry now. But he is also sad.
"This is the song that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end..." Its in an incongruously cheerful tune to sing in a room of such sadness.
Azula watching from the sidelines with the child-Avatar, now recognises this moment for what it was.
It is the first of many stubborn-offs between two staggeringly stubborn people. Uncle has a lifetime of intractability behind him. But Zuko is just starting to test the limits of his vast amount of obstinacy. Also the extent of how annoying he can actually be.
"Cripes, he's really not giving up." The Avatar observes, sounding vaguely appalled and vaguely impressed as this is the song that does not end enters its eight minute.
"Yeah, he's annoying like that." Azula agrees, before adding "and he wonders why I don't want to spend Christmas with him, when this is how he carries on."
"Who cracks first?" the Avatar asks, genuinely curious.
"Uncle, but only after another six minutes."
"Let's skip to that. I hate this song."
"I thought the avatar was meant to love everything in the universe?"
"Even Avatars are allowed to hate this song."
They skip to the bit where Uncle just can't take it any more. Nearly fifteen minutes of this is the song that doesn't end has frayed the last of his patience. He flings the blankets back, shouting "Shut up! Shut up! For Agni's sake, shut up before I wring your neck!" He's scary then. The Dragon of the West. But Zuko doesn't back down. Doesn't flinch away. The flinching only happens with Dad.
Zuko does stop singing. This is no small blessing. Even the pacifist Avatar was on the verge of resorting to violence. One more rendition of this is the song that does not end would have pushed him and his 'Violence-is-never-the-answer philosophy' over the edge.
Uncle demands why on earth Zuko would pick that song to sing repetitively. Uncle has taught him Four Seasons! He has taught him Brave Solider Boy! He has taught him so many tunes that are more pleasing to the ear than that travesty. What on earth does Zuko want from him!
"I want you to eat!" Zuko thunders back. "I want you to have a bath and change your shirt and open your curtains!" Uncle is silenced again. His face opens in surprise and shock. Such simple demands, such necessary adjustments if Uncle is ever to crawl out of this gaping hole that he has climbed into. Once again Uncle is looking at Zuko like he doesn't properly recognise him.
Another pause. A weighty pause. Breaths are held.
Uncle takes the plate and eats a few bites.
Breaths are released.
"Just so you know... for next time, I really don't care for Komodo chicken." Uncle says after he has eaten enough mouthfuls to appease Zuko's grumpy face. "I much prefer roast duck."
"I'll keep it in mind." Zuko says. She can hear the smile in his voice. This is a little victory. An invitation for a next time.
"Also, as soon as I figure out a song that annoys you as much as that travesty annoys me; Your ears will ring from hearing me sing it over and over and over again." Uncle says, there is the faintest, briefest glimpse of his old humour.
"That seems fair". Zuko concedes.
There is another pause. Zuko seems to think there is not much else to say besides "Merry Christmas Uncle".
Both Azulas, one standing guard outside, one watching from the sidelines, frown. There is nothing Merry about this Christmas.
The Avatar places a comforting hand on her shoulder, and the world blurs again.
Another Christmas.
Azula is in the library again. Zuko comes to bother her, as is his habit. Neither of them know it, but this is the last Christmas before his banishment. It is the first Christmas that she willingly lets him go.
This Christmas there have been new carpets laid. When you rub your feet on them, you can give someone else an electric shock. The first day that it was laid, Azula and Zuko had a smart battle. Dad quickly forbid this activity too. But Dad is not here right now.
Zuko sneaks up, barefoot. He thinks he is being wily. Azula sees her young self, very subtly slide her feet out of her shoes and start rubbing them against the carpet. Young Azula feigns like she is unaware of Zuko, and smirks to herself. At the crucial moment, she turns. Static charges are released.
There are two shocks. Nobody is hurt.
There is a small joyous struggle. It is almost like their play-fights from when they were kids. A dangerous edge that has crept into their fights recently. A new bitterness to their competition. But right at this one moment, all that doesn't matter. There is Zuko and Azula and barefeet. There are squeals of delight and childish taunts of you can't catch me! There are little itty bits of static electricity that do no lasting damage. There is, miraculously, incredibly, implausibly, laughter between them. The moment almost sparkles.
Then there is a gong and Uncle's voice summoning Zuko. The fragile sparkling moment shatters.
Zuko has to leave. He is going to have Christmas with Uncle at his friend, Master Piandao's house. Uncle is better this Christmas. Uncle is "making an effort." Uncle has got presents and arranged for a lavish feast, and has decided that he would like to be in the company of friends and family after all. Zuko and Azula were both invited.
Zuko accepts. Azula refuses.
Azula knows which side her bread is buttered on, because You mustn't try to make him angry. Zuko, as usual, doesn't think of these things.
Zuko only thinks it is "nice" of Uncle to "make an effort".
Dad interprets this as an act of rebellion on Zuko's part. He and Uncle have had a fight and are Not Speaking. Dad sees Zuko preferring the company of Uncle as a treasonous betrayal for which he will never be forgiven. But Zuko doesn't know that yet either.
"Well I'm off...are you sure you don't want to come?" Zuko, smiling, shrugging.
"No, you've picked your side. I've picked mine." Azula explains.
"We're a family Azula, there's no sides about it." Zuko, oh so naïve.
"That's what you think." Azula, younger, but so much more bitter and cynical.
"I think you should come. It'll be fun. Piandao and Fat are really nice. And they are doing roast salmon . You like roast salmon. And there are some fresh springs near their house...we could go swimming?... I could teach you how to use the daos properly too." Zuko offers, trying to convince her.
Azula, as she watches, is suddenly struck by a realisation. He's not just saying these things. There is no ulterior motive. He actually wants to spend Christmas with her.
Younger Azula, is unaware of this, as she rolls her eyes and says sarcastically "Swords are for losers who can't firebend properly." Hurt flickers across Zuko's face.
He lashes out, angrily dismissing his invitation. "Whatever then! I didn't even want you to come in the first place!" He stomps over to the door, and picks up his bag, before he tosses a acerbic "Merry Christmas" over his shoulder. And leaves.
Azula has watched her younger self announce for years that she just wants Zuko to leave her alone on Christmas. Now he has. You'd think that would make young Azula happy. But it doesn't.
Young Azula stands in the middle of the empty library, looking desolate and incredulous. She didn't think that he was actually going to leave. She seems so young and forlorn, in her barefeet, as she watches the retreating back of her brother.
Azula remembers how much she wanted to run after him, to say she was sorry, She hadn't meant it. She remembers how she longed to go to a Christmas with roast salmon and swimming and sword fights. But she is rooted to the spot.
She's already picked her side.
And an opportunity for a different sort of life is gone for ever.
Azula watches, angry and frustrated. She cannot speak to these shades (though she tried in that first christmas with Lu Ten). All she can do is observe the passing parade of misery. She does not see the point of this. She rounds on the Avatar spirit, angry. "Why are you showing me these things spirit! Why do you delight in tormenting me!"
The Avatar's eyes widen, at the suddenness of her attack. He is defensive as he replies childishly "These are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are – you can not blame me!"
He is right, perhaps. Azula made her own choices after all. But she just likes having someone to blame.
The next Christmas they witness is a few years later. Azula is all alone again. Ty Lee is gone. Mai is gone. Zuko has been gone so long, Azula tells herself that she can't even remember him. Mother and Lu Ten are just shadows that occasionally cross in her mind. She doesn't need distractions today anyway. This Christmas holiday is an ideal chance to catch up on researching the Airnomads. The Avatar is definitely back, but Zuko and Zhao have both cocked up neutralising him.
She reads in the library alone for the entire day.
Fourteen year old Azula and her father have dinner. A presumptuous servant hurries in to deliver an urgent messenger hawk. Azula, standing off to the shadows with the Avatar, knows what is coming. She feels her chest clench. She feels the maddest urge to go over and comfort that little girl sitting across from her father. Father reads it impassively, there is not the faintest flicker of emotion. He passes the missive to his daughter as casually as if it was a shopping list. His command is simple. "read."
It is from a lowly officer, whose name she does not recognise. A Lieutenant Jee.
Your most revered and exalted Majesty, Firelord Ozai,
Salutations.
It is with a heavy heart and the most bitter of regrets that I must inform you of some grievous news; your son, Prince Zuko, has passed away. It appears that he was slain by cowardly pirates. We, his former crew, have full reason to believe that he died instantly and without suffering. We have not yet been able to recover the body. We humbly request permission to perform the ceremony for those lost at sea...
The taste of iron and sour lemons seeps into her mouth.
There is more, but the Azula of the past cannot bring herself to read it. The preposterous words dance and blur before her eyes. For a moment she simply cannot believe what she is reading. She refuses to accept this.
Her brother referred to as "the body" and not Zuko. It is impossible.
"Well?" her father's voice. Impassive, yet curious. A dark edge to it. He is probing for a reaction. Azula knows the one he wants. She schools her face and schools her voice. She gives nothing away. She hands the letter back and says "What a shame" in her father's same even tone.
"Yes, quite. Waste of an heir really." That is all her father can say about the sudden and unexpected death of her brother. The death of his son. Both Azulas fight the urge to snap "and you'd be a waste of one of my perfect lightning bolts."
The strength of this feeling surprises Young Azula, who at that point still worships her father with an awe that perpetually borders on fear. Young Azula considers the thought the height of treason.
Old Azula considers that there might be some poetry in an ending like that for her father. Destroyed by the very weapon he forged.
It does not surprise her really, that this is how her father reacts to the death of his son. He is mildly inconvenienced by it, as if the loss of Zuko means no more to him than being told that his dinner is still five minutes away.
Azula always knew what she was signing up for with their father. She knew he saw them all as Pai Sho pieces, to be moved against one another. The loss of a single tile meant little in the grand scheme of the game.
Azula tries and mostly succeeds at seeing the world the same way. Sentiment is not an advantage, after all. She knows those words are true now. There is no possible advantage in feeling the way she does now.
The feeling does not abate. The Avatar and Azula are watching when, sometime after dinner, Young Azula fights it no longer. She goes into his room, eyes all the possessions he left, takes a deep breath and begins.
She wishes for some destruction.
She wishes to punch the ugly eye of Agni. The great unfeeling spirit!
She wishes to break, rip and destroy every remnant of her brother that is left in this place.
She smashes the mirror first. The glass shards explode outwards from the force of her fireblast. She tears all the clothes from the closet. She throws all the books from the shelves, ripping them across their spines with her bare hands. It is physically demanding and she likes the challenge of it. She smashes all the figurines. Stomps on the little toy soldiers. She slashes all the curtains, the pillows and the bed clothes with the broken shards from the mirror. Bits of paper and feathers are flying everywhere now. She climbs on the bed and beats the headboard with her shoe. The sounds she is making are not quite screams. They are not yells. It is an inhuman, horrid howling that is wrenched from her stomach.
The servants look on in horror and fear at this display from the door. They are afraid of her. This sort of display will become known as "the princess's strange fits of passion." Tales of these tantrums will be used to frighten the young apprentices.
The servants look perfect, in their pressed neat uniforms. They belong in an orderly world in which things make sense. But then there is the wretched girl on the bed who looks like she wandered in from a different play. A play about the horrible monsters that live under rocks.
Azula sees herself get up. She gathers everything in her arms. All her brother's things destroyed. But he has no use of them now. They are thirteen year old boy things. He's too old for them. He would have only just had his sixteen birthday.
Sweet Agni, he was only sixteen.
It seems like she cradles the broken bundle for a second. She holds it tight to her chest. The briefest moment of tenderness. Then she strides out to the garden and makes a pile of everything. He doesn't need these things any more. He's never coming back for them.
They couldn't find the body after all.
Azula sees her fourteen year-old-self put everything in a pile and burn it. She feeds the fire with her bending. It burns until there is nothing left but ashes.
Though she knows it is a fruitless gesture, Azula places her hand on the shoulder of her fourteen year old self. She knows that all that destruction will not make this little girl feel any better. She could burn the entire palace down, and it would not make a jot of difference.
The Avatar spirit turns to her, confused. He wants to know why no one is comforting her. Even though the letter later proves to be wrong, at this moment she believes her brother has been lost at sea. Shouldn't someone...
"I had no one then." Azula snaps. There is anger and warning in her tone. She does not want to pursue this subject.
"What about your Dad – shouldn't he say something to comfort you? I thought that was what Dads did?"
"Are you high? Like seriously, what have you been smoking because I want some!" Azula, is angry and sarcastic, before she adds softly "You seen all this with me Avatar. You saw what he's like. No, you've have better luck getting blood from a stone than getting one sincerely kind word from Dad."
"what about your friends?" the Avatar gently probing.
"I was alone that year." Azula's voice is flat.
"I'm sorry." So much sympathy in those grey eyes.
"Don't be. I'm not. I prefer it actually. Alone protects me."
Alone is best, Azula knows this.
If she had never had a Zuko, and had been alone for her childhood, she would have never felt like this. She would have never had anyone to play with and fight with and hide with – but at least she would have been spared this.
"Alone doesn't protect people." the Avatar says sagely, in temple wisdom mode now.
"Yes it does."
"You don't believe that."
"This is our last stop." The Avatar says, like he is a tour guide. Azula looks around and sees her hospital room. She sees herself last year, curled into the foetal position. Like Uncle those Christmas ago. Cold iron settles in her belly. She knows what this is. She grabs the Avatar quickly. Though he is a spirit and she can't really hurt him, there is a mad glint in her eyes that frightens him.
"Take me back or forward or anywhere else. I don't want to see this"
"But you need to." The Avatar says, he sounds frightened, but sure.
"No, I don't. I lived through this once. I don't need to do it again."
"Maybe it will be a good learning experience for you. Like the other Christmases." The Avatar says calmly.
"They weren't learning experiences. They were horrible. What on earth was I meant to learn from seeing my dead cousin, and my parents arguing, and my Uncle losing it."
"I'm not sure. What you learn from this is for you to decide."
Azula is about to argue some more – but then Bossy enters her room, her only visitor on Christmas last year, and the show begins again.
~ background on the shenaniagns of last christmas~
Last year, Azula had a small breakthrough with Dr Jung. It is the first time the subject of Azula being 'well enough' to get day leave was raised. A trial day. Zuko suggests "How about Christmas. We haven't had a proper Christmas together in ages. Cook will make all your favourites. It will just be a small thing. Just you, me, Uncle and Toph and Katara."
"Where are all your other weird friends?"
"Sokka and Suki are doing Christmas with Sir Hakoda down south. Aang and Ty Lee are going to be off with some mumbo-jumbo spouting Guru. They leave in a couple of days."
Azula nods, but says nothing.
"It will be just a small thing. No one you don't know. People you like." Zuko continues.
He is right. Despite her very best attempts to hate all of them bitterly she cannot. She may even half like Bossy and the Blind Brat on occasion.
She and the Blind Brat understand each other. There is a certain respect there.
Bossy is just so insistently likeable. Something about her screams 'please love me – I don't have a mummy.' (Bossy and Zuko have that in common). Besides, she could never hate anyone so amusing. Annoying Bossy and making her get all cross is sometimes the most entertaining thing in Azula's day. It has kept Azula from going madder than she already was in this place.
"There'll be roast turkey-goose this year, and Christmas crackers" Zuko says. Azula can't help now but think of you should come. There'll be sword fights and swimming and roast salmon.
She rolls her eyes and says "fine – but I'm only coming for the goose."
She actually believes him. She believes that things are getting better. That she will have A Good Day (in both senses) on Christmas. There will be goose, and crackers certainly – but maybe there will be laughter and fun and a sense of warmth and belonging too.
It's not impossible. Anything can happen.
Anything does happen.
Any awful terrible thing.
There is an assassination attempt. A hospitalisation. The words it's touch and go are used.
Ty Lee and Aang cancel their trip. That's how bad.
Christmas festivities are also cancelled. No one is feeling festive.
Azula spends it alone – save for a visit from Bossy.
Alone wouldn't have been so bad. Alone protects people. It is when people start thinking about roast goose stuffed with chestnuts and the possibility of laughter that causes all the damage.
notes:
Lovely wonderful readers - thanks for reading part 2: the Ghost of christmas past. Many of you have pointed out that Christmas does not fit at all with the setting of Avatar and I agree whole-heartedly. However, I had scrooge and ghosts as prompts and the dickens nerd in me just had to run with that idea. (I hardly ever let my inner dickens nerd out, poor thing).
I consider this an offshoot to the stalking universe. It's sort of set in that world, but I don't know how canon I consider it, because I never planned on having christmas as a holiday - but then I got too tempted by delicious prompts. I've written it in the stalking universe mostly because I like what I've written better than the canon endings for everyone, plus my universe just makes more logical sense to me.
Some of your other questions will be revealed in the coming chapters.
Alone protects me is a direct reference to BBC Sherlock, as those you you who read my rambly notes will know; I see Sherlock and Azula as very simmilar characters.
Onwards to the next chapter: Last Christmas.