Regrets And Mistakes They Are Memories Made

by AubreyNotAubrey

"They're not just your enemy okay? You're not alone. They're ours as well. We're all with you, Girl On Fire. We're betting on you. I'm betting on you."

2. Chapter 2

A/N:

Thank you to everyone who enjoys reading what I write all of your messages encourage me and make me smile. I was initially going to leave this as a one-shot but I couldn't leave these two alone.

Also don't worry about Peeta or Gale.

Special thanks to Keyboard Caberet for helping me.

Enjoy!

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My thoughts are surprisingly hazy and distorted as I silently beg sleep to overtake me and put my body and mind to rest. I'd thought that since my morphling had been taken away I'd be able to think more coherently, but it's just made the pain in my ribs is too immense to ignore. I try to distract myself, to think about something other than the intense agony I feel every time I take a breath. It almost works, until I hear Johanna's cry of agony travel through the air and ring in my ears followed by a string of profanities.

We haven't spoken much, barely at all, since she kissed me. In fact earlier when I'd apologised about the cut down on my morphling she just waved it off and said it was bound to happen anyway and made her way to her own bed. She was avoiding me and we both knew it. Once when I was walking around I'd seen her talking to someone down a hallway. I'd tried to catch her but she'd disappeared into the crowd.

She'd obviously seen me and made herself scarce. I don't know what she thought - that I'd confront her in front of everyone and demand she tell me what it meant. I don't even know if I want to confront her at all. It just makes everything more complicated. I already had so much to deal with, I don't think I should be digging up whatever was going on with Johanna. But the memory of that night makes a reappearance whenever I close my eyes, and I dream of her lips at night and sometimes when I'm walking around I try to relive the sensation of feeling her lips on mine. It was so hard to clear my thoughts.

I shake my head in an attempt to clear it, then gulp when I process what Johanna has just cried out. Her insults are really creative and way too specific for her to have just improvised.

I feel a faint thumping on my feet. It travels up my leg slowly and settles on my thigh, leaving the thumping to rest there. I groan and reluctantly open my eyes. My head pounds slightly as the harsh light stings my eyes. My sight is still adjusting but I stiffen when I recognise the voice.

"Get up sleeping beauty the war's not going to fight itself." a voice deadpans above me.

I know she's trying to sound normal and her disinterested tone squeezes my heart in an unpleasant way.

Once my eyes are fully open she doesn't wait for me to say anything, just drags me out of bed. I'm taken aback at her state and I see her lips moving but all I can hear is the ringing in my ears from all the shouting during the night.

"What?" I question dumbly.

"I said let's go to training." she repeats.

I'm distracted from my conflicting thoughts as I realise the burning sensation in my ribs. I grimace and regretfully tell Johanna, "I don't think I can do it, it's going to kill me."

I scan my eyes over her sickly green skin and look into her wild fiery eyes as she growls, "It won't kill you. You can do it. We can do it. We've both been through hell and back, we can do anything they throw at us. We're victors. Or have you forgotten, brainless?" her whole body is shaking like a leaf and I silently accept her admonition and move to get ready.

I have my clothes ready in my hand to get changed but Johanna is still standing there expectantly. I look at her pointedly, and her eyes widen in realisation.

A blush dusts her cheeks light pink and she makes her way out of my room to give me privacy. When I follow her a few minutes later I see her staring intently at a spot on a wall. I walk past her and I pause at the doorway until I hear her footsteps follow me and I continue making my way to training.

Johanna doesn't look at me once while we stand side-by-side to recieve our orders for the morning, but she turns her attention to me when we're standing in the doorway, ready to go outside.

I'm not up for training with sore ribs and getting soaking wet but I know I have to do this. I turn to Johanna and notice she's already looking at me with pleading wide eyes and a pale face. We look at each other in silence for a few seconds, my breathing the only sound. I think she's stopped breathing entirely.

I find myself in a familiar situation, wanting to comfort her but not knowing what to do. It's even more difficult since things are pretty tense between us since... it happened.

So I just tell her, "It's just water, it's not going to kill us."

Johanna flicks her eyes over to the pouring rain, staring as it slams against the concrete ground. I give her some time to either go out or walk away.

She grits her teeth and throws herself outside, stomping her way to the running course. I follow after her, the rain immediately soaking us both. I feel my clothes stick to my skin and I can already tell that this is going to be a long day.

I almost want to kiss York when she says it's time for lunch.

But reality slaps me in the face once again when I'm served soggy fish and beet stew. I look at the bowl in disgust. I look across from where Johanna has sat down and see a similar expression on her face. Johanna screws her eyes tight shut and blows out air so her cheeks are puffed out.

She looks like a squirrel. A light chuckle escapes my lips. Her amused eyes flit to meet mine and she raises an eyebrow.

I smile and shrug, "You looked-" I hesitate, I was going to tell her she looked funny but with her physical state not being the same as it used to be I don't think she'll appreciate me calling her funny looking so I settle for, "...really silly."

Johanna shrugs, sticks out her tongue at me and turns her attention back to her lunch.

"Real mature" I mumble as I shove a spoonful into my mouth. I manage to force all of it down but Johanna isn't so fortunate. Her meal makes a reappearance halfway through lunch. On instinct I jump to her side and soothingly rub her back as she retches. I try not to look in fear that I'll be in the same position in a few seconds. I feel her whole, fatigued body tremble as she empties the contents of her stomach and my heart aches for her. Almost unconsciously, I softly hum as I rub light circles up her back as she starts to calm down.

She's stopped completely now but her body is limp, her eyes are shut tight and she's inhaling and exhaling loudly. She'd made quite a fuss but after a couple of seconds into her being sick everyone had gone back to their own affairs. Occasionally a few eyes would curiously cast a lingering glance in our direction but eventually they all turned back to their meals.

A raspy voice breaks my stare down with someone I caught looking at Johanna for a little too long and I break away to look down at her, and then my hand that's stroking her head, "Thanks for helping". She struggles to get up but she manages it, "I'm not a cat though, it wasn't necessary for you to pet me like that."

I ignore her remark and accept her thanks. I know she's just trying to cover the awkward touching moment with some light banter but I don't have it in me to retaliate.

We're learning to assemble out guns and try out on the shooting range for the afternoon session, and I'm pleased that it doesn't involve running in the rain.

I wouldn't say I assembled the gun with ease but I somehow manage to get it together, smiling in pride when I hear the click. I cast my eyes around the rest of the group, finding I'm the first to finish.

I scan the room and my eyes snap to Johanna when I feel her arm quiver against mine. I'd have thought she done it purposely to grab my attention but I notice the frustration on her face as she struggles to steady her hands. It's only then I notice that she can't stop shaking.

I see York go towards someone on the other side of the room, back is turned to us as she observes their progress. I swiftly reach over and help Johanna with the parts. Her hands still underneath mine but I don't have time to care about crossing the line and keeping my hands far away from her. I finish just before York turns back around and I sigh in relief, picking up my gun and inspecting it.

Johanna frowns at me and aggressively snatches my gun from my hands.

I look down at my empty, motionless hands, "What the hell?"

She tightens her jaw and grinds her teeth, "You didn't have to do that." she states impassively.

I'm really not in the mood to deal with her ungratefulness after the torture of training that we've had, don't have it in me to fight with her. it's killing me to train for my fight with Snow so I just allow her to shakily play with my gun and wait for her to finish speaking.

"I'm not a kid," she starts, "I don't need you to look after me." She sighs and throws my gun down in front of me, "Thanks." she throws begrudgingly over her shoulder as she walks away.

I exhale deeply and bend to pick up the gun, confused and frustrated at Johanna's quick change of attitude. I skew my mouth to one side and watch her take a few shots at the target. She's been walking on egg shells around me and then she snaps when I help her then she thanks me after throwing my gun on the floor. I blame it on her withdrawal from the morphling and make my way to the shooting range.

It's surprisingly not too difficult to adjusts from a bow to a gun and I find myself being the best shooter in the class. Johanna is going on and on about how well I've done, but when we reach the hospital her praises came to an abrupt halt. "This has to stop." she announces "We can't live in the hospital anymore. We're going to war, people aren't taking us seriously, we have to move out."

I agree with her and I let her know I think that's a good idea. We come across a few problems with getting discharged because they say that Johanna isn't stable enough to be trusted on her own. I instinctively declare that she's sharing a compartment with me. It isn't easy but Haymitch convinces them to let us share and by the end of the night we've got a compartment across from my mother and Prim.

Johanna inspects the place after I've had a shower and she's washed herself down with a damp cloth, opening things and raking her eyes around the place. She sits on the floor and comes across the drawer that contains my private possessions; she opens it and quickly shuts it, looking at me apologetically. "Sorry" she says quietly, wringing her hands and closing her eyes.

I try to bring to mind what personal possessions Johanna has and end up drawing a blank. Doesn't she have anything to call her own? Something pulls on my heartstrings to realise that she has nothing and no one. I think back to the night we... to the night we sort of had a heart to heart, or the closest to a heart to heart we'll ever have. I recall what she said about trying to stay afloat here in 13: "Everyone, clinging desperately to their sanity." It makes me wonder what it is she's clinging to.

She's lonely. The realisation crashes over me, hitting me in the chest like a tidal wave. Suddenly my eyes are stinging with tears, my heart bleeding. I'd never really been lonely before the Games. I rememberwanting to be alone - I'd only enjoyed the company of a select few back home and that had frequently lead to solitude, but that wasn't the same as loneliness. I remember the nights I spent in the arena alone, how the isolation had snaked its way down my throat and filled my heart, leaving me raw and empty. I remember the pounding in my head as I tried desperately to relive the warmth of my mother's embrace, the tenderness of a goodbye kiss from Prim.

Memories I'd taken for granted. Thinking of those moments is what kept me fighting in the arena, it helped me remember who I was fighting for. Who I'm still fighting for. Johanna's on the long list.

I hope I can be someone who keeps her grounded. I want to be someone who keeps her spirits up. I fight back the tears and crawl over to where she's still sitting with her eyes closed. I open the draw and hear her shift slightly, she's aware of my presence but she still hasn't opened her eyes. I speak quietly, careful not the unsettle the calm atmosphere, "You can look at it if you want to."

At first I don't think she hears me, other than the shifting when I first sat next to her she hasn't reacted. But then her eyes open and look in the direction of the draw. I can feel my pulse quicken as I take note of how soft her eyes look. I've never seen her look so unguarded and it scares me a little.

I take out the locket and hand it over to Johanna. She carefully takes it out of my hands and plays with it a little, examining the detail and smoothing her fingers over the gold. She unlatches it and studies the pictures of my mother, Gale and Prim. Her eyes remain soft as she studies it for a few minutes, her finger gingerly tracing around the pictures before she puts it away. She gets out the pearl given to me by Peeta, "Is this what-" she looks up at me, leaving her question to hang in the air.

"Yeah, it somehow survived everything." I don't want to talk about him right now, not with Johanna of all people, especially after it happened.

"Ahh" she mutters softly, "Haymitch says he's getting better."

I frown slightly, has she been asking Haymitch for updates on Peeta?

My curiosity grows with each second that ticks by and I can't help myself from asking, "You asked Haymitch how Peeta is?"

Johanna smiles a little, "No. I overhear him telling Finnick sometimes when I walk past them."

I nod my head in understanding, "Maybe he is getting better, but he's not the same person he used to be. I don't think he ever will be."

Johanna laughs. "So? We're all not the same person we used to be. We've all changed - you have, I have. So has Haymitch and Beetee and Finnick, and don't even get me started on how much Annie has changed. Being played, made into toys and manipulated for the Games pretty much messed us all up, don't you think? Or are you telling me that you feel like the same little girl who volunteered to save her sister?" she questions.

I chuckle dryly and turn away as heart-breaking memories flash before my eyes, each of them slicing away at my battered heart. I want to cry at all the things that have happened since the day of the reaping. The gnawing pain in my chest increases tenfold and choke back a sob. I hadn't realised how emotional I'd been recently. I guess I've not had a chance to catch my breath before, and now I'm slowing down I can feel everything else catching up.

I pick a spot on the wall opposite us and stare hard at it, battling back the tears. I'm surprised at the detachment in my voice when I answer her question. "No, I don't feel like the same person"

"Hey." she quietly grabs my attention, "It's okay."

I pull my eyes away from my spot on the wall and turn to look at her. My eyes widen when I see how close we are. I can feel her soft, rhythmic puffs of breath on my chin and I tilt my head slightly so our lips aren't too close.

"What is?" I whisper curiously.

"Hmmm?"

Johanna seems a little distracted so I repeat the question.

"Oh," she whispers as she remembers what she was going to say, "I mean it's okay. You'll be okay. I know you will. You've been handling everything incredibly well. You've not been any less annoying but you've been holding up."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. There's nothing you can do about the past, as much as it hurts and as much as you'd give anything to change it." she pauses and offers a strained smile, "You have to get on with things and push forward. No use living in the past, there's no going back. The sooner you get that into your little head the easier it'd be for me to talk to you without the fear of you bursting into tears every 5 seconds."

I move slightly away from her because she's so close and each time she speaks I can't help but be mesmerised by her lips and the way they move as she speaks. I'm afraid I may do something that causes more tension between us so I have to physically move that little bit further away to resist her.

She's noticed the way I've been looking at her and she clears her throat uncomfortably and moves away from me.

Something courses through me when she puts distance between us and I'm suddenly angry at Johanna. Angry because she has no right to act like that, like what occurred between us in the hospital never happened. Angry because she's the one who started pretending that nothing's different.

We have to talk about what happened. We should be able to talk rationally and calmly about it.

"Why did you kiss me?" I blurt out.

Crap.

My eyes widen in horror and my mouth drops open. That was not what I mean to say. Johanna slowly turns her head and looks at me disbelievingly. I slap my hand over my mouth and my right eye twitch's in opposition for being wide for too long.

Johanna face is horrified until she slips into her usual defensive mask, "I don't know what you're talking about."

I frown at her, "Yes you do." I insist.

"Listen, you were mostly asleep and jacked up on morphling, you were probably just hallucinating." she shrugs.

"No," I state adamantly, "I know it happened. It was way too real to be a hallucination. I wouldn't have felt what I felt if I was hallucinating." I'm not just going to sit here and allow her to deny what happened between us, this is one thing I'm desperate to get my head around.

Johanna's holding on to her defensive mask but I see can her demeanour slip slightly as conflict flashes momentarily across her face. A second later her expression is stony again, but that brief waver has spoken volumes.

"So, why did you kiss me?" I ask more confrontationally.

Johanna rises to her feet and in an attempt to keep this conversation going I follow her and look down at her. She snaps, "Look, brainless, I don't know what game you're trying to play. Like, if there's some sort of crush or weird obsession that you have with me and you were fantasising about me falling at your feet."

Her words jolt something painful inside me. Her accusation of brainless has never been so cutting. It makes a little part of me wish I'd left it alone and not brought it up. I try to look anything other than how I feel, which is pretty crestfallen, so I slap on a frown and glare at her.

"Don't flatter yourself." I spit out bitterly.

She throws her hands up in a defensive manner, "Hey, I'm not the one making things up and saying that I kissed you."

We stand in silence for a few moment until Johanna speaks quietly, "Whatever it is you're imagining just keep it to yourself."

I can feel something bubble at the pit at the bottom of my stomach. It leaves a burning sensation inside of me and boils up until the bitter words are spilling out of my mouth, "I don't imagine being with you. In fact if there were to be a nuclear bomb right now that kills off the whole of Panem and we were the only two survivors I wouldn't even go near you. You want to know why?"

I take a threatening step towards her and she defensively crosses her arms, "Because you're the most malicious, selfish, unlovable person I know and I would be as far away from you as possible. I don't know how you have the audacity to walk around and act like I find you irresistible when that is far from the truth"

Lies. Lies that I know will kill her to listen to. Normally I'd take pride in the fact that I've managed to silence her, but as much as I know they're eating away at her heart and sanity the words tear at my heart too, burning like acid as they leave my mouth.

It's not the first time I've felt this feeling but it feels like the most intense. Self-loathing. I hate myself for pushing boundaries too far, I hate myself for being the one tearing her down, I hate myself for being the cause of the glassiness in her eyes.

Instead of withdrawing from my attacks my anger intensifies and I release my vitriol tenfold. I know I'll hate myself even more for this but at the moment all I want to feel is the numbness that comes after anger has been vented. I always welcome the numbness; I'd rather feel nothing than everything.

I keep this in mind as I take it up a notch and raise my voice.

"Who would even want you? Seriously, have you seen yourself? You're a mess Johanna. Sometimes I think and I wonder what your lover ever saw in you in the first place. I'm sure that's why it never lasted - they realised there's nothing you could offer. Nothing. You were worth nothing to your lover. And you're worth nothing to me. So you don't flatter yourself because you're not that much of a catch."

The moment I've said it my mouth is hanging open in shock. I know I've really crossed the line now. It'd be a miracle if she ever even looks at me again.

I screw my eyes shut tight as my words hang in the air. The numbness I've been craving is still absent and I feel panic start to rise within me. I tied my self hatred to the harsh string of words but it's not made the heavy weight on my heart feel any less lighter. Instead it's increased, settling in my heart, straining.

I open my eyes and find Johanna frozen in the same position. She looks like someone just punched her in the face, like she wants to break down and cry and I'm just about to start apologising when her hand shoots out and I feel a sharp sting on my right cheek, knocking my head forcefully to the side. I turn back to look at her.

Ignoring the heat creeping up on my cheek from the embarrassment and pain, I watch Johanna's body shake through my blurred vision. Clearly I'm going to have to be the one to break the silence.

I humourlessly chuckle and tell her, "Well that was unnecessary."

She finally looks at me and I feel my blood freeze, my breath stuttering in my chest.

I've seen an angry Johanna. In fact I've never known a time when Johanna wasn't walking around with a frown on her face or an with insult on the tip of her tongue. An angry Johanna is not something unfamiliar to anyone that's crossed paths with her.

But I've never seen the look she's giving me now and it scares the hell out of me. There's something else in her eyes behind the fury, just a hint of it but I can see it. I can't place what the look in her eye is and I wish I could, but something inside me is yelling that I don't deserve to know. Then suddenly there's nothing in her expression but pure anger and I gulp as she narrows her eyes dangerously.

Johanna sucks her lips into her mouth and shakily says, "Stay the fuck away from me."

She turns to storm out and I grab her arm frantically, desperate to keep her here. She growls at me and snatches her arm away. I take a step back and carefully speak, "Where are you going to go? You're sleeping here."

She looks at me in disgust and turns to leave again. "I'll go find a bunk with Haymitch or Finnick and Annie."

I frown at her. I know what I said crossed a line but I didn't think I'd drive her out of the compartment. She can't even stand any of those people. I tell her that, but she just shrugs and walks out.

As soon as my head hits the pillow I know that I'm not going to get any sleep tonight. My thoughts are running wild and my feelings are so jumbled I almost can't stand it. I consider sneaking up to the hospital and stealing some morphling to put my mind at rest, but I physically can't move. My broiling emotions are keeping my muscles stiff and I'm locked in the same position all night.

I'm surprised yet reassured the next morning when Johanna is at training. I try to catch her eye from across the room, but she doesn't even cast a glance remotely in my direction and as much as I expected to hear nothing from her it still hurts that I've messed things up so badly.

Even though I wish things could go back to how they used to be I can't show weakness. I'm not going to go up to her and apologise - she slapped me, very hard. My mother noticed the mark on my face and I told her I'd fallen. She raised an eyebrow but thankfully hadn't pushed the issue. Prim had gotten me some soothing ointment so the stinging was lessened during training. However, it had done nothing to soothe my mind.

Johanna slapped me. I'm not going to beg her for forgiveness.

The whole week passes much the same way. I don't sleep properly, drag myself to training (I do not make a special effort for Johanna); trying to catch her eye and then getting on with training when she refuses to look my way; eating in silence as Johanna sits on a separate table with Annie and Finnick. Everyone has given up on trying to get me to talk and just let me be. I sulk in reflection time. I can tell it's worrying Prim now, and that just piles on top of the guilt.

Peeta sits with us at the table for lunch one day and it's then I see how much he has changed. The implications that I used him for my own gain, the fact that he sees me so differently than he used to. It's all too much for me, I can't sit there and take it so I rise to drop my tray with Gale. As I pass I catch Johanna's eye, my heart jolts and she quickly diverts her clouded eyes elsewhere.

Gale feels the need to walk me back to my compartment like I'm not capable of walking by myself. The journey there is spent in silence, my mind filled with the sight of Johanna's eyes and what it meant and how I messed up, and then how much Peeta hates me - probably as much as I hate myself.

"I don't know about you, but I was not expecting that." Gale says as we come to the door of my compartment.

I cross my arms and reply, "I didn't know he'd be there, but I was aware how much he hates me now. Told you, didn't I?"

"There's just something that irks me in the way he hates you. Like there's something I can relate to, it's kind of similar to when I'd see you kiss him in the first Games. I used to feel how he feels. Only, the difference between how I felt and how Peeta feels is that I knew I wasn't being entirely fair. He can't see that."

Something twists unpleasantly inside me and makes me shift uncomfortably on the spot when he talks about kissing Peeta.

That's new.

I'd never felt anything like this at the mention of kissing Peeta before I've... before what happened with Johanna. It's also the fact that Peeta thinks I'm a selfish, dangerous, animal doesn't help.

The conflict must show on my face because Gale's speaking gently to get my attention, "Hey, what's up?"

I smile tightly and only say, "Maybe Peeta is just seeing me for who I really am. It's been a long day, I'm going to sleep."

Like I did Johanna, Gale reaches out to catch my arm before I get away. I pull my arm from his grasp and look at him expectantly.

"Is that the kind of thinking you're going with now? Katniss, he's not seeing you as you really are, I've known you for years, ever since you were just a scared little girl I the woods. Let me tell you, you're not who Peeta thinks you are. Do you understand me?"

I take a step backwards and feel the door hit my back. I shake my head sadly and my voice cracks slightly as I whisper, "Yeah, but I'm not the same person I used to be." I'm sure my smile looks more like a grimace now as the painful memory of Johanna's words ring in my ears.

I turn to go into my compartment and Gale doesn't stop me this time. I hear a muffled goodnight and footsteps as he walks to his own compartment. I scan the place and find that my mother and Prim aren't there. My heart stops as I wonder where they are and fear the worst.

The pounding of my heart slows down as I recall my mother telling me that she's working the night shift with Prim. I get ready for the night and slip into my smallish bed. I'm half asleep when I hear the door creak open and then I hear the click of the lock as it swings shut. My eyes are still closed because I know that it's either Prim or my mother coming in to get bits and bobs.

Suddenly every muscle in my body tenses as I feel an unfamiliar but inviting body slide into my bed and press against my back. Arms encircle my waist. I keep my eyes shut and don't turn my head away from the wall.

"How did you get in?" I whisper.

"You didn't think I'd really throw the key away did you?" the smooth voice softly says as the arms tighten around my waist and the body moulds more against mine.

"Hmm." I hum thoughtfully, "I did actually, seeing as you hate me now."

Her warm fingers are dancing on the line between my top and bottoms, and my stomach clenches at the almost electric feeling. I shudder slightly, belly tingling, and she chuckles lowly in my ear, which really doesn't help. "I don't hate you."

I peel my eyes open and look at the wall. The silence hangs over us both and it's been quiet for so long I think she's fallen asleep until she starts humming.

She doesn't hate me?

I frown in confusion and reflect on the way things have been between us. I had obviously hit a sensitive nerve with her by bringing up her lover, especially at this time when she was already so vulnerable and insecure.

I slowly turn in Johanna's arms so as not to disturb her position draped over me. My movements bring her humming to a halt and she meets my eyes. Our knees bump against each other and I silently apologise, adjusting my legs so they're moulded more against Johanna's legs. The tingling travels all the way down to my toes and on reflex I curl them so my toenails dig in to Johanna's leg.

I notice the lamp by my bed is on; Johanna must've put it on before she came into my bed. It casts a soft glow on her face, and for a moment I can only stare, in awe of her beauty. Then I remember what we'd been talking about.

I narrow my eyes in disbelief. "What do you mean?"

Johanna sighs as if she's already had enough of explaining it to me. She mutters, "I don't hate you but I don't think I could be your friend or whatever it is we were. I won't be able to handle that."

The last sentence seemed more to herself than me, so I don't think she'd appreciate me digging into that comment. She frowns as she notices what she's just said and continues, "I mean, I can't handle being around you, everything you do and say annoys me. I wouldn't be able to handle being someone you cling to all the time. I have more important things to do then give you attention. Seriously, can you even function for five minutes if there's nobody around to notice you?"

I look at her blankly and lightly say, "Look, I'm way too tired, you can't just ignore me for over a week, make me feel guilty, the jump into my bed on a whim and keep me from sleeping by insulting me."

She smirks at me, "I have the right to do anything after the things you've said."

"Does that mean I have the right to do anything since you've slapped me?" I ask smugly.

Her smirk widens and there's a dark gleam in her eye that I've never seen before, but it still makes my heart slam against my chest and I feel my blood rush to my cheeks. Her voice takes on a tone that's new to me and the tingles return, "Well, I won't stop you, you can do anything to me if you really want to."

I gulp when I feel Johanna's arm - still tight around me - move and her hands splay on the small of my back, slowly starting to inch higher, her blunt nails dragging along my spine, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

The sensations tingle around my heart and I close my eyes to savour the feeling.

I finally pull myself together enough to form a coherent sentence, "I'm not - I don't want to do anything. I mean, I meant if I wanted to... I was just making a point. Of me having that right because of the slap."

Maybe it wasn't as coherent as I thought it would be but it probably could have come out worse, at least that's what I tell myself as Johanna's smug smirk grows wider with every word. Her body is so close to mine, I can feel her warmth enveloping me. I clear my throat and look away from her eyes, lest I betray that I can't stop thinking about her warm body pressed against mine. She's so close and the places that I can look at instead are limited.

My eyes find her lips. They look so soft.

I'm startled when her lips start to move as she whispers, "Anything you want." She tilts her head so that her full face is in my eye line and continues, "What do you want Katniss?" she inches closer to me and I feel the movement of her lips more than hear her say, "Tell me."

I close my eyes and feel her soft puffs of breath, her lips are so close and I can feel the hairs on my arm stand up in anticipation. My heart quickens but nothing happens.

Confused, I open my eyes. Johanna's eyes are soft and understanding and she has small smile on her face but her lips are still where they are. Right there.

Oh.

She's waiting for me to make a move.

I close my eyes again, hoping the darkness will still my nerves. I count to three and take a deep breathe.

Then I push my lips against hers.

My lips are still against hers. I feel her move her mouth slightly in response but mine remain frozen, overcome by the warmth that stirs in my heart and spread through my chest. It intensifies and I screw my eyes shut tighter as Johanna gently bites my lower lip.

I would feel embarrassed from my unresponsiveness, but the tingling I feel prickling all over my skin at her touch overshadows any awkwardness.

That is, until I involuntary release a small moan, my eyelids fluttering as Johanna sucks my lip into her mouth. I've never been kissed like this before and it sends my legs clenching.

I pull away from her and hold my breath as I watch Johanna recover from her stunned expression and open her eyes.

Her expression changes to a confused one and louder than necessary she asks, "Why'd you stop?"

It takes me a moment to adjust to the change in atmosphere. I shrug and quietly tell her, "It's not like I was kissing you in the first place."

Once Johanna catches her breath her face scrunches up cutely and I feel heat rising to my cheeks; both from how adorable she looks and from the embarrassment of not being able to kiss her. She must not want to kiss me again, the first time I was almost unconscious and now I was pretty much unresponsive.

Johanna smiles a little, "So if it wasn't you, who was I just kissing now?" she teases and flicks my hand that's resting awkwardly on my upper thigh.

I chuckle nervously and clench my legs tighter. Johanna's hand is still near my thigh and I chuckle nervously again because I know she felt the movements in my muscles as I tensed.

My breath catches in my chest as her eyes suddenly go from soft to dark and a devilish smirk slowly forms on her face. I gulp as she scoots slightly closer, the warmth from her body prickling at my skin. She invades every single one of my senses and it paralyses me, I couldn't push her away even if I wanted to. I'm rooted, every single muscle in my body locked - particularly my thighs.

I feel pressure on my hip and I register that her hand is resting there. I gulp again.

I feel a stirring in the bottom of my stomach and a dampening in my underwear as she brings her lips to my ear and whispers, "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

I pull back slightly because even though her tone was seductive there was a genuine concern in her voice, like she felt she was coming on too strong. I try to reassure her by shaking my head but it's not enough, "Do you want me to stop?" she asks.

She exhales and her warm breath sends shivers down my spine and the base of my neck starts to tingle.

I have to take a moment so I can ask myself that question honestly before I answer her. Johanna grunts in impatience and starts to gently kiss my neck. I inhale sharply through my noise and make a disgruntled noise. Johanna chuckles against my skin but doesn't stop.

Do I want her to stop?

The sensations she's giving me right now are enough to disrupt any logical thought, but I force myself to really consider what we're about to do. If I let this go any further it could ruin what little Johanna and I have now, not to mention the disruption it could cause to my other relationships. I'm not just thinking about my friendship with Gale, I'm thinking of what my family would say if they found out, what Finnick would say; even wondering what Delly would think of it sends a flurry of apprehension to my stomach.

I open my mouth to tell her I want to stop.

I close my mouth when she sucks slightly harder on a sensitive part of my neck and I re-think the question.

Do I want her to stop?

Johanna makes me do something I don't think I've ever done before - just think about what I want. I want this. I need this. This feeling of belonging, of being wanted. I know that once all of this blows up I may never get a chance to feel like this again, and I want it to last as long as it can. I may never find this moment again. Even if I do survive the war, I doubt the two of us could have a happily ever after.

I want this. I don't want to think anymore, I just want her.

I don't say anything, I simply pull my hand out from where it's trapped in between our bodies - it's harder than I thought it would be because we're pressed together so tightly, but I manage to wriggle it out since Johanna refuses to move.

I gently grasp the back of her head and lightly tug her off me. She doesn't resist - although I don't think that she's happy I stopped her. I don't tell her I want her to carry on.

I place both of my hands either side of her face and I kiss her like I mean it this time. Johanna doesn't hesitate to kiss me back with just as much passion. We stay locked together for a while, all my attention focused on how soft her lips feel against mine and marveling at how skilled a kisser she is.

This time I'm able to keep up with her as she enthusiastically alternates the direction of the kiss every once in a while, our noses gently bumping as we shift positions. I can feel my insides sizzling but this time it's not like the pain in my ribs, instead of the sizzling being an excruciating feeling it leaves a pleasurable tingle inside me.

I feel something brush my upper lip and I falter for a moment at the electrifying feeling coursing through me. I feel her slide her tongue in my mouth, and I moan slightly in appreciation. She delves into my mouth with firmer movements and I clench my thighs as my tongue meets hers. She moans into my mouth and I almost have to stop because it was the most delicious sound I've ever heard and it throws me off a little. Instead of pulling away from her to compose myself I continue to battle her for dominance as her hands start to roam.

I can feel her shaky but firm hands slide over my clothed back, I can feel the warmth from her hands even through my clothing. I furrow my brow in concentration and try my best to keep up with Johanna.

Her hands slide under my clothes, my heart filling with warmth as she skates across my back. Our kisses become more aggressive and she presses harder into me, her blunt nails digging in the my sensitive flesh. I hiss at the stinging sensation but Johanna doesn't relent.

Eventually everything becomes to much and I force myself to pull away because I'm sure that I'm seconds away from passing out. I pant, trying to get as much oxygen into my lungs as I can - a difficult task when Johanna is still so close.

Johanna rolls her eyes as she becomes impatient, and pushes at my shoulder. I stay rooted in position and frown at her in confusion. She doesn't speak, pushing me more forcibly and sending me roughly onto my back. and I wince and glare at her. She simply smirks and slings one leg over me. I'm still panting as she settles herself on my body and adjusts her legs so they're astride my hips. Then she rests her hands on both sides of my head and leans on them. Her face is so close to mine again and I inhale loudly because I'm still not prepared to kiss her right now, I'm still struggling to breathe.

Johanna doesn't see this as a problem and starts to roughly suck on the skin on the right side of my neck. I tilt my head back slightly to grant her more access and she kisses a trail down my neck and then back up. On the way down again I have to close my eyes tightly as I feel the tip of her tongue flick over a particularity sensitive patch of skin, then she flattens her tongue against my neck and licks back up. She moans against my skin and I feel her hips buck into me. I feel electric all over and it makes me want even more of her, she's wound me up so much and suddenly kissing isn't quite enough anymore.

I need her to touch me. Johanna pulls back and smirks at me. I try to look at her face but my eyes flicker down to her heaving chest for a second and her smirk widens.

She leans back on her hands either side of my head again and her raspy voice whispers into my ear, "You can touch me, you know."

"Wha- I don- I thi- I don't know..." I stammer out. She chuckles in my ears condescendingly and I clear my throat and force myself to say something and not sound like a puddle of putty. Even in the position we're in Johanna's able to make me feel like I have to best her in some way.

I feign confidence and cockily tell her that, "I think you'll need a bit more time to prepare yourself actually, if I touch you now you might not be able to handle it."

Johanna laughs and cocks an eyebrow, "Is that so?" she drawls out.

"Hmm." I hum in reply.

Johanna's eyes are still glazed with passion but they momentarily fill with amusement as she asks, "Is that why you're lying like that? 'cause I can't handle you?"

Blood rushes to my cheeks as we both look down at my arms awkwardly lying at my sides. Johanna moves one of her hands from the side of my head and reaches in between our bodies to tug on of my arm. I pull out both of my arms as Johanna sits back up, her butt resting on my thighs. She grabs both of my hands and places them on her hips.

"I didn't mean touch me like that... not yet anyway. I mean just generally touch me." she finishes with a shrug.

I gulp and nod at her.

She leans down again, I feel her body press further into me as she puts more weight on me and her chest presses against mine. She hasn't started kissing me yet because she's still getting herself comfortable on top of me.

I've seen Johanna naked before, but feeling the curves of her body so close against mine brings me an excitement I've never felt before, and it makes me squirm as I grow impatient for Johanna to do something to me. I huff out a breath as I grow more restless and she frowns at me. She finally settles down on me and I close my eyes as she pushes her lips into mine. It's just as hard as before and I feel a new kind of desperation rise inside me. I want to soak in everything about this moment that I possibly can...

Johanna grabs my face and takes control. I allow her to guide me wherever she wants to go and I feel a similar kind of frantic desperation behind Johanna's kiss. I push my tongue into her mouth as my fingertips ghost the small of her back; she bucks her hips into me and we both moan at the delicious friction it elicits. I can feel myself getting more excited and I clench my stomach muscles, my underwear starting to feel uncomfortably sticky.

In my haze of excitement I become bold and grab Johanna's butt. I pull her harder against me and she bucks her hips, then begins rhythmically thrusting against me, still not breaking the kiss. Every movement pushes me closer and closer to the edge.

Johanna pulls her head away and I lean up and try to follow her, but she pushes me back down. Her forcefulness sends a jolt through me and I can't take it anymore: I move my hands from where they're rested on her butt and grab her right hand. I push both of ours hands between our bodies and into my underwear. Johanna's eyes widen in disbelief and both her eyebrows raise. I nod at her and remove my hand, hoping it will prompt her into action.

She nods back at me and my stomach clenches as her fingers shift against me slightly. She leans back down to kiss my mouth. I forget what I want her to do because her kisses are so sweet.

My lips freeze as Johanna makes a firm stroke with her fingers. She continues to kiss me, trying to coax me into kissing back as she carries on making circles with her fingers. After a several seconds she gets frustrated with my inactivity and returns her ministrations to my neck.

Her other hand finds it way under my top and I feel her squeeze my chest. Nobody has ever touched me there before and as her thumb repeatedly swipes over my nipple I wish that it had happened sooner. Her fingers start to make more assured movements against me and I tightly shut my eyes, throwing one arm over my face - the pleasure she's giving me is overwhelming and my eyes are embarrassingly starting to water from how good it all feels.

I feel like every fibre of my being is vibrating from the electricity coursing through me. Johanna picks up the pace and I feel my hips involuntary lift up towards her, causing her fingers to press harder against me. I moan, the sound muffled against my arm.

Johanna must notice and she begins to grind her hips. I hear her panting and she releases a strangled moan. Her fingers against me become frantic and I can feel my slick wetness coating her hand. She tries to make her circles as tight as possible but I know it's becoming difficult for her to keep up the same rhythm as her fingers slip.

I throw my head back as she moves her fingers frantically. I can feel her cant her hips up with the movements. I feel myself being wound up tighter and I know I'm going to pop soon. I almost ask her to slow down because I don't want this feeling to be over but I hold my tongue.

I bite my lip so hard and I think I taste blood, but I'm more focused on the large waves of pleasure that crash over me. I struggle to remain silent as my body shudders with each new torrent of sensation, each more intense than the last. When at last my shuddering stops, Johanna ceases grinding and she just focuses on circling me at a steady pace. I hold my breath and feel my head pound. She starts to slow down as I come down from my high, but before I can feel the disappointment of this moment being over I feel Johanna start to grind again. Her warm breath ghosts against me as she pants and buries her face in the crook of my neck.

I move my arm from over my eyes and circle her, her movements becoming desperate as she seeks her sweet release. Her centre presses against mine as she does so and my eyes roll to the back of my head because I'm so sensitive and I'm trying so hard to not cum a second time.

Johanna releases a broken moan as she falls over the edge, her movements coming slowly down to a complete halt and she collapses on top of me.

We stay like that for ages, lying there, her sweaty forehead pressed against my clammy neck. For the first time in a long time I feel completely at ease. Everything feels right at this moment and I feel a peace I've never felt before. The feeling comes to an abrupt end, however, when Johanna starts to move off me and jump out the bed.

I sit up as Johanna moves towards the door. A bad feeling replaces the peace, "Where are you going?" I ask her.

Johanna turns around. I frown as I look into her empty eyes. Did she not like it?

Her body deflates and she replies with a tired, "Where do you think? I need to get rest for the test tomorrow."

I try not to sound too pathetic as I tell her, "You could just stay. I mean, there's no need to go. Your bed is still here, you could just sleep there. Plus, if Buttercup happens to be in here in the morning you could scare him off – you know he finds your face terrifying."

Johanna doesn't laugh or reply to my request. She smiles at me, but it's strained and it makes me want to just make her stay here, "I needed a chance to feel you, even if it was for a little while. But that's it. Let's just leave it there. Goodnight Katniss."

Johanna turns off the light and walks out.

I stare at the door for ages after it closes. I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling, only close my stinging eyes when shapes start to form out of the darkness.

I don't remember falling asleep but I awaken to the sound of Prim singing to Buttercup. As I shower and get ready for the test I acknowledge that Johanna and I could never happen. At least not in this world.

With that thought in mind I make my way down to the obstacle course for the first part of the final test. York informed me that there were four parts of the test and we start straight away. I don't even have time to be nervous and excel in the first three parts: physical condition testing, a written tactics exam and weapon proficiency. They prove a good distraction from the conflicting feelings swirling inside of me, and help me keep my thought apart from the events of last night.

I'm about to go through to the Block, but some sort of technical bug holds us all back. As I'm standing with my group my thoughts drift inevitably back to Johanna, though thankfully only to her current whereabouts. I'd seen her briefly sometime between the second and third test. I think she's purposely keeping her distance from me, for which I'm both thankful and annoyed. I hope she's doing okay. My mind lingers on the thought of Johanna, and I wish I could just get on with the final part of the test already. The wait is starting to get to us all - my group begin nervously discussing what the Block has in store for us. I hear one boy utter in hushed tones that the test is tailored to each individual, designed to target their weaknesses.

My stomach drops and I grow anxious, suddenly dreading the moment I will have to walk through that door. I break away from the group and move to a quiet spot, trying to make a mental list of all the things I could possibly encounter when I walk through that door. The length of the list makes me feel heavy-hearted. Right now, being the Mockingjay means nothing. They're moulding us into a pack, we all have to pull our weight, no matter who we are.

I'm suddenly jerked out of my reverie as I hear Johanna's name being called. She's three ahead of me. Although things are really weird between us now I still give her a nod of encouragement and she offers me a soft smile in return.

I smile for a while after she's gone, then I realise I must look insane, smiling like an idiot at the door that could hold my greatest fears.

I return to my thoughts, wishing that I had been at the top of the list. I'm starting to drive myself insane considering all the potential things that could knock me off my feet - literally and figuratively.

Once I'm in the Block I feel lucky that some of my training has kicked in and I'm able to handle the scenario. They've put me in an ambush situation - Peacekeepers flood the arena instantaneously, and I have to fight my way through to a rendezvous point to meet up with the rest of my team. I carefully navigate through the streets and take out the attacking Peacekeepers on my way. It is a challenge but it's not as hard as I thought it would be.

I can sense something is off though. There's a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is too easy and there's a trap somewhere ahead that I'm unaware of. I'm nearly close to my goal when things begin to intensify as half a dozen Peacekeepers emerge from around the corner. I'm outnumbered and I begin to panic. I haven't heard a word from my squadron leader and I decide to take matters in my own hand as I spot a drum of gasoline lying in the gutter. I'm about to step out into action to blow it up when I hear the quiet voice of my squadron leader ordering me to hit the ground. I'm conflicted; my intuition says to just blow it up and ignore the voice. It would be so easy, I'm so close.

Then it hits me. This is my weakness. Following orders. From the very start that's been my problem, not doing what I'm told. From the moment in my first Games when I was commanded to flee from the Cornucopia and I went for that orange backpack instead, I've never been able to listen to orders.

I no longer think about what my next move will be and I quickly smack into the ground. Somebody blows up the tank and the Peacekeeper die. I then make my way o the rendezvous point. I go to the exit on the far side and as I exit I'm congratulated by a soldier who stamps me on the hand and tells me to report to Command.

I look at my hand and see it's been stamped with squad number 451.

My whole body buzzes as it dawns on me that I passed. Filled with adrenaline from the success I skid around corners and run through the halls. I pound on the door of Command and as I enter I realise that these people around the table look like the people who call the shots.

I feel more at ease when I see Boggs' friendly face smiling at me. He looks at my stamp and motions me to follow him, telling me that I'm in some special unit with him. I try not to jump with joy as I see who my team are - There's Finnick and Gale by the wall and five others I don't know. A thought comes and goes: for a split second I wonder where Johanna is before my attention is yanked back to the present situation. Not only am I working under Boggs, but I get to have my friends by my side. I make sure I take soldierly steps instead the joyful leaps I wish I could take towards them.

My feeling of joy evaporates completely, however, as Plutarch starts his presentation, explaining the trials we will face in the Capitol.

It's a death trap. Only Finnick and I - as victors - truly understand what we're about to go into. This is just another Game. It sickens and infuriates me and as Finnick tenses I know he feels the same. I focus all my energy on what Plutarch is saying, desperately trying to hold myself together.

Walking in the hallway once we're dismissed, Finnick and I drift towards each other. Under his breath he asks, "What am I going to say to Annie?"

"Nothing." I reply, "That's what I'll be telling my mother and Prim. There's no use telling them where what we're heading towards. It's already bad enough."

It's not enough for Finnick and he begins, "If Annie ever saw that holograph -"

"Stop." I interrupt, "She won't. It's classified information. Unless Annie is some kind of secret expert hacker there's no way she'd be able to access that information." Finnick still looks tense, and in an attempt to reassure him I continue, "Listen, it's not like it's an actual Games. It's not going to be last person standing. We're both just over reacting because-" I pause to take a breath and try to keep the pain out of my tone. It doesn't work because I can hear my voice thick with emotion as I tell him, "It still hurts. I know. Being in there once was terrible enough. Being in there twice was hell. No matter how many people I watch die, it will always haunt me. They will always haunt me. And I know it haunts you too. But we can't have second thoughts. Not now. Not today. You still want to go right?"

"Of course I do! I want Snow dead just as much as you do." he says.

I genuinely smile at him, "It will be different from the Games this time," I declare, "This time we won't be trapped by him. This time he's a player too."

Finnick smiles back and he opens his mouth to say something, but before any words leave his mouth Haymitch appears. I didn't see him in the meeting, but he looks troubled. "Johanna's in the hospital. Again."

Both Finnick and I are dumbstruck. What the hell happened? I thought that if she weren't in the sharpshooters unit she'd have been assigned somewhere else. I know she's only adequate with a gun, but the girl sure knows her way around an axe. I assumed she'd be put somewhere her skills could be put to use.

My stomach bubbles with panic and the questions spill out, "What's happened to her? Is she hurt? How long has she been there?"

Haymitch explains, "It happened when she was on the Block. They designed so it targets a potential weakness-"

I interrupt him, "What did they do to her?"

Haymitch frowns at my outburst, and I notice a few heads turn our way. I'm way too on edge to glare at them till they turn away so I instead focus on Haymitch as he continues, "They flooded the street."

I do a double take and Finnick makes a noise of confusion.

I'm confused as well because I'm pretty sure I can recall Johanna swimming in the Quell. My mind is still reeling when I hear Finnick ask, "So?"

"When she was being held prisoner in the Capitol that's how she was tortured. They soaked her and then electrocuted her." Haymitch explains carefully,

"When they flooded the place Johanna panicked and had some sort of flashback. She had no idea where she was. She's been put back under sedation."

Finnick and I are rooted in place. We just stand motionless, none of us responding as we process what's happened.

I try to think of times since she's returned that she's been near water. I recall how Johanna doesn't have showers - she's just been washing herself down with a damp cloth. I think of how resistant she was to training in the rain and how much convincing it took to get her out there, how she acted like the water was poisonous as it poured down on us. At the time I didn't think much of it - we were both tired and in recovery, nobody likes to run in the rain. I'd put it down to her suffering withdrawal from the Morphling.

Haymitch gives us both some time to take it all in then he tells us, "Both of you should go and visit her. You're the closest things to friends that she has."

That makes it even worse. I feel bad that things are so tense between us, and that I'm apprehensive about going to visit her. Johanna doesn't really have anybody. no family, no friends. She has nothing physically to show for her life other than the clothes on her back. Not so much as a token to remind her of home. The thought of what she has to cope with alone hurts me and I mentally tell myself that I need to be composed right now. I don't think Haymitch will be able to handle it if I have a break down on top of Johanna's relapse. I grit my teeth and straighten my back.

"I should go and inform Plutarch of the situation. He's not going to be happy to hear it. Says the more victors in the Capitol the better. Says it makes for better television."

Screw what makes better television, he should be unhappy about Johanna's well-being I want to say. I could so easily just release a string of harsh words about Plutarch but it's pointless and my mind is racing. I settle for, "Does that mean you and Beetee will be there?"

Haymitch's eyes are full of amusement as he amends his statement, "As many fit, young and attractive victors as possible. No. We won't be there."

He leaves and Finnick heads straight to Johanna. I don't go in though. Instead, I linger outside the door, still hesitant to see her. I'm not even sure she'd want me there.

I think back to who and what Johanna has and I come up with an idea. When I spot Boggs come out I immediately approach him and explain to him what I want to do. He write a pass for me that permits me to go into the woods during reflection time. I thank him enthusiastically and he lightly but firmly reminds me to stay withing sight of the guards.

I run to our compartment and shuffle through a few things but nothing seems to work for what I have in mind. I cross the hall and find the perfect thing: a white cotton bandage I'd brought back from 12.

There's a pine tree in the woods and I begin to strip fragrant needles from the boughs. I don't get too many - I need to be able to make them fit in the bandage. I form them into a neat pile in the centre of the bandage and tie it all together with a vine. On the way to the hospital a few people send questioning looks to the apple sized object in my hand.

I swallow my hesitancy and I get to her hospital room door before I stop. I pause and just quietly watch Johanna for a moment. My heart clenches as I look at the girl I now only vaguely recognise. Johanna is stripped down of the person she used to be. It's only then that I realise that most of her aggression comes from her abrasive attitude. All I see when I look at Johanna right now is a young woman with wide-set eyes battling to succumb to sleep as the drugs try to drag her under. I know why she's fighting so hard. She's so resistant because of what the sleep will bring: nightmares. Horrific, unending nightmares.

I realise I've watched her long enough and stride across the room. The movement catches her eye and she looks at me, her expression remains unchanged. I don't say anything and just hold out the bundle to her.

Johanna looks at the object in my hand, frowning in confusion. Her voice is hoarse as she asks, "What is that?"

"Take it." I whisper, holding it out further. Johanna doesn't make any effort to move.

"I can't." she tells me.

I grow frustrated, "What? Why? I made it for you! You're not even going to accept it?"

She rolls her eyes, "I mean I physically can't take it from you. Now I'm the useless lump."

I let out a chuckle of nervous embarrassment and gently place it in her hands, smiling at the call back to our conversation. "Well it is your turn."

"I guess so." she replies as she examines the bundle.

Becoming anxious and impatient for a response, I decide to prompt her, "Smell it."

She tentatively raises it to her noise and inhales. Her eyes close as soon as she smells it and my whole body buzzes, no longer feeling stupid about doing this for her. She opens her eyes, suddenly glazed with tears. She slowly pulls the bundle down and shakily takes a breath.

My heart clenches as her voice trembles out, "Smells like home."

I smile a little and nod at her. "Well, since you're from 7 I thought you'd appreciate something nature related. Remember when we first met? You were dressed like a tree."

Johanna quietly chuckles, "Oh please, don't remind me." She shakes her head and waves it off.

She knows I'm joking and she smiles when I say, "My first thought was to bring you a tree, but I had to dismiss that plan when I considered Coin's reaction. She'd pitch a fit if she found out I brought a tree into her precious district."

Johanna smirks, "She doesn't like you as it is anyway."

"It doesn't exactly keep me up at night." I shrug.

Johanna doesn't respond. Instead her attention turns back to the object still in her hand an shed lifts it up to smell it again. She closes her eyes and keeps the bundle tightly pressed against her face. I didn't want to bring it up in fear of upsetting her but I'm unable to stop myself from saying, "So…water?"

Her head snaps up and the bundle drops from her shaky hands, rolling down to land on her chest. I have to forcibly restrain my gaze from following it.

"Hmm." She hums, a frown forming at my sudden inquisitiveness.

She examines me with her familiar calculating look - sizing me up, trying to work out whether I'm worthy of this new information.

Finally she tells me flatly, "That's how they tortured me."

"Yeah, I heard" I reply softly.

A moment of silence stretches out between us, until Johanna breaks it with, "Why did you do this?" She grabs the bundle from her chest and again I will myself to keep my eyes on her face.

"I thought you could put something in your draw."

"What does it matter to you what I have in my draw?" She questions defensively, crossing her arms.

The question catches me off guard. She makes it seem likes it's bothering her that someone brought her something out of pity about her lack of belongings. I don't want her to think that that was the motivation behind my actions.

"It doesn't. I just wanted to give you something. From me to you."

Her voice takes on a strange tone and my heart clenches with guilt, "Like how Peeta gave you that pearl?"

I release a strained chuckle, "No."

Her eyes become clouded and it's like she's forcing herself to say, "You can go now. Thanks for the… gift."

I don't go.

"Have you gone deaf?" she snaps. She glares at me, eyes so intense they almost scorch my skin.

"Johanna." My unsteady voice whispers. "If I survive, you know we can't do this."

Johanna's usual façade slips and her face is filled with hurt and something that looks like a feeling of betrayal. She looks at me in angry confusion, "Why not?"

I laugh humourlessly and force out the words I've been dreading. "You know why Johanna. It could never work. We could never work. It would never last. Plus…" I take a pause and almost lose my nerve. But I know I have no choice, "You never had a chance. Not really. It's always been either Pe-"

I almost take it all back when I connect with her almost lifeless eyes. It's like someone has drained all the colour out of them, this whole conversation physically and emotionally emaciating her. But she's still Johanna, and she still has fight left in her to cut me off and bark, "I get it."

I take a step back at her forcefulness, but that's all that she has in her and she continue softly, "I guess I was fooling myself again. I guess it was so crazy of me to think that I could ever be happy with someone. But It's not fair of me to put that kind of pressure on you. Not now, not when you're about to go to war." My eyes fill with tears and I know the words are eating away at her heart as she whispers, "This doesn't mean I'm not still betting on you, Girl On Fire."

I skew my mouth to the side and my chest throbs painfully as I hold back a sob. I step forward and lean down to gently hug her. I'm extra careful to not put too much pressure on her but Johanna almost knocks the wind out of me as she squeezes me tightly back.

I pull back and Johanna offers me a watery smile before I turn back around to exit the room. I'm just about to step out when Johanna calls me. I turn around and my eyebrows raise in a silent question.

The Johanna I know and love makes a brief reappearance as she smiles sinisterly, "Promise me you'll make his death as painful as possible."

I smile back and assure her, "Promise." Then I turn on my heel and walk out.

I'm still worked up about going to the Capitol, but I walk out of the hospital with some newfound confidence, now even more determined to kill Snow. Who knows, when the time comes maybe I'd use an axe.