"There's no way I'm doing this" Tom protested as Doug escorted him to the locker room where Judy was waiting. Still fooling himself that he had a say in the matter.
"Come on. It won't be that bad. Might even be fun."
"You do it then!"
"Haven't we been through this? I'm way too butch man!"
"Yeah right. Ok then Rambo, lets get this over with" Tom said shrugging his shoulders and heading for the stairs.
"Hey Judy" Doug called "Your latest victims here" Both men stopped short as they entered the locker room and their eyes surveyed the clothes Judy Hoffs had scattered about the room. Tom's face went deathly pale as he examined the multitude of over bright female attire that Hoffs had all too clearly gathered from vice or some local charity shop.
"You're not getting me in any of those" he said looking on in horror.
"You're gonna have to trust me Hanson." Judy said smiling as she placed her hands on each of her friend's shoulders and guided him into a chair.
"Well he's not watching!" Tom said jabbing a finger in Penhalls direction.
"Oh, come on honey. I've gotta make sure you don't embarrass me. I have a reputation to uphold you know. Can't be seen with just anybody on my arm!"
"You're enjoying this aren't you?"
"Enjoying watching my best friend suffer. What kind of person do you think I am?" Tom opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted as Harry Ioki came bounding into the room, a wicked grin plastered over his face.
"Oh god. Why don't you just sell tickets?" Tom said in his best 'why me' tone.
"Hey, I couldn't miss this." Harry said standing beside Doug as they both exchanged conspiratorial glances as Judy pulled out a particularly disgusting fluffy sweater and held it out to Tom who shook his head viciously.
"No way am I gonna be seen dead in that!"
"Oh, but the colour would bring out your eyes." Judy said her own eyes sparkling.
"Ok. First of all, nothing fluffy and I am not wearing pink."
"I always thought that was your colour" Harry said with a wry smile.
"And I am not wearing a skirt!" he said turning the full force of his indignance on Hoffs.
"Hanson, we're trying to disguise that you're a boy, not emphasise it. You're wearing a skirt!"
"But..." Tom began.
"Of course we're gonna have to do something with your legs."
"What?" Tom said spiralling further into his own personal nightmare.
"Girls don't have gorilla legs Hanson" she said patiently.
"He could be French!" Doug suggested helpfully "Anyway, nothing to worry about. 6 to 8 weeks and you'll be as good as new. You never know, some girls might go for that sort of thing."
"Penhall, you're a pig!" Tom said as his partner beamed at him. "This should be your job" he said looking at Harry with distaste. Judy just smiled as she brought out numerous cosmetics of various shapes and colours. The truth is she was secretly relieved that she didn't have to work her magic on Harry. Although Tom was rather slight for a guy his age he was very obviously taller than your usual 18 year old girl. However, Harry's more muscular frame and angular face would be much harder to disguise than Tom's slight build and softer features.
"What do you think you're gonna do with all that?" Tom said fearfully as he saw Jude examining her supplies.
"I've gotta fill in all the cracks Hanson!" She said, as if she was stating the obvious. "Now with your colouring I think we'd be better off using natural and pastel colours." Tom's eyes filled his whole face as he jumped up in horror.
"Right that's it! You two out!" he said ushering Doug and Harry from the room.
"You're too sensitive Hanson!" Harry said trying not to giggle.
"Fine" Doug said rather sulkily. "Do a good job on my girl Jude"
"I hate you!" Tom said glaring at his partner as he shut the door in his face.
"Don't be that way babe!" Doug shouted through the door, laughter clear in his voice.
"He doesn't get back in!" Tom said glaring at his tormentor.
"Ok, I'll keep them out, I promise" Judy said as her eyes danced.
"Right, get it over with!" Hanson said with a deep sigh.
"Don't worry. I'll be gentle she said patting his arm in mock sympathy.
Doug and Harry stood outside the firmly closed door and exchanged amused glances.
"I don't know why, but I just seem to rub girls up the wrong way" Doug said adopting a dejected look.
"Never mind, this ones way too much for you to handle" Ioki said as Doug put his arm round Harry's shoulders and headed back to the bullpen.
"It's a shame, cos she's sorta cute".
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Two hours later and Doug had managed to sweet talk Judy into letting him back in. They were both beginning to get a little impatient waiting for 'Tamara's' entrance.
"Hanson, we haven't got all day!" Judy shouted through the door to the guy's bathroom where Hanson had locked himself in and was yet to emerge.
"Come on Tom, we won't laugh, we promise. Don't we Jude?"
"Oh, yeah, promise. Cross our hearts, hope to die and everything."
"I'm not wearing this." came the muffled, sulky voice from the other side.
"Hanson, we've tried every other outfit here. You won't wear pink, you won't do fluffy, the denim skirt was too short, the purple blouse clashed with your hair..." Doug's eyes widened as he gave Judy his best you can't be serious look which she answered by rolling her eyes and nodding her head.
"There's nothing else. What's wrong with this one?"
"Makes me look fat" Tom answered in a small voice.
"You're only gonna have to wear it once, tomorrow it'll be the St Mary's uniform"
"Uniform!" Tom cried out in horror. He had completely forgotten about catholic school dress codes.
"Right, that's it Hanson" Judy said loosing her patience. "Out here now!"
"It's just you and Doug right?"
"Yes. Come on, we're gonna see you eventually anyway."
"Ok. But remember, you promised you wouldn't laugh."
"And we meant it." Doug said holding his hands behind his back and crossing his fingers.
The door opened and Doug looked on in shock as a figure stepped out, the expression of a sulky child on his face.
Hoffs had worked wonders. She had found a loose fitting dark blue sweater that did an excellent job of disguising Hanson's shoulders that were obviously too wide for a young girl of 18 and hid the fact that he had no hips or other endowments. The knee length black linen skirt also did a good job of disguising Hanson legs. She had even managed to find dainty looking flat shoes to fit him. Despite her threats though, she had been sparing with the make up. She hadn't really needed much due to the fact that Hanson still didn't need to shave more than a couple times a month. Blusher bringing out his high cheek bones and a fair amount of dark eyeliner and mascara was the worst he had to endure, well that and false pink nails and a long dark curly wig. Oh and the heavy eye shadow and rose coloured lipstick. Actually, now he thought about it Tom realised that Judy had in fact managed to use twice as much as she had originally threatened
"I'm impressed Judy." Doug said as he stared at his friend. "He might even pull this off."
It was true. Judy had really outdone herself. There was no other way to say it, Hanson looked...hot. "My god, there's no way I just thought that" Doug thought shaking his head.
"I don't know. He's a bit big for a girl."
"We could always say you're from East Germany!" Doug offered helpfully.
"Any plans on joining the UN Doug?" Tom asked
"No."
"Good. Keep it that way."
"What did I say?"
"Never mind".
"Let's see you walk." Judy said suddenly.
"What?"
"I want to see you walk."
"You've seen me walk before." Tom said looking at her with suspicion.
"We've gotta make sure you're not gonna give yourself away Hanson." Doug said in a voice similar to that you would use on a difficult 5 year old child. To Tom's horror, Captain Fuller and Harry Ioki chose this moment to come and witness the ritual humiliation.
"Hanson, that you? Wow! Good job Jude." Harry said as he reached the top of the stairs. Fuller began walking circles around Hanson inspecting Judy's handy work.
"Why don't you just take a picture?" Tom spat.
"Oh we will, believe me." Harry said with a twisted grin on his face.
"Come on guys, we're in training here." Judy said. "Come on Hanson walk."
"Fine!" Tom said sulkily as he walked to the other end of the room feeling like an exhibit at a circus freak show.
"No no no. This isn't going to work. You walk like a boy."
"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer." Tom said looking at Judy in disgust.
"Move your hips more, and it's more like gliding than walking." came Harry's voice from behind them.
"You got experience in this Harry?" Fuller asked with a wry smile.
"I told you he should be doing this instead of me Coach!"
"Try again Hanson." Harry said doing his best to ignore his friend's reaction. "This time sway your hips."
"This takes disturbing to a whole other level." Tom said, pinching the bridge of his nose closing his eyes.
"Just do it Hanson" Fuller said trying not to laugh. The next attempt brought gales of laughter from the observers.
"You're a catholic school girl, not a hooker." Judy said wiping tears from her eyes.
"It's more like this Tom." Harry said as he set off for the other end of the room, actually doing a very convincing job. Hanson turned towards his captain and gestured meaningfully in Ioki's direction.
"Sorry Hanson. You're still going in. Look guy's, all joking aside this is a possible homicide investigation. We need to get a move on. We've gotta go meet the principle to get you enrolled in an hour"
"We?" Tom asked confused.
"Yeah. Their policy is that they meet the students and the parents before they start classes".
"Coach, I'm never going to pass for a black girl." Tom said with a slight smile on his face.
"They've got me down as your stepfather Tom. No way would I ever take credit for inflicting you on the world."
"Thanks coach. You always know how to make a gal feel loved!" Hanson said giving Fuller a beaming smile.
"Come here." Harry said taking hold of Tom's arm. "Now just do what I do." Hanson and Ioki spent the next 20 minutes walking from one end of the room to the other. Doug's mocking calls were punctuated by Tom's death threats, Fullers impatience and Harry's offence at the suggestion he wasn't a very good teacher. After a while however, Harry's training began to pay off as Tom managed some semblance of graceful steps.
"So what do we call you?" Judy asked with a wicked grin on her face. "You look like a Sophie to me."
"That's what we thought!" Doug said turning laughing eyes on Hoffs.
"Don't start Penhall." Fuller said, trying to switch into serious police captain mode. "We're sticking with a name that's closest, save making this more confusing."
"I don't think I could get anymore confused." Doug said distantly, his eyes obviously focused on something other than his superior officer.
"Er.. Doug?" Tom said a little indignantly following the direction of his partners gaze.
"Hmmm?"
"Will you quit staring at my legs?"
"Sorry" Doug said, giving an uncomfortable cough and turning a lovely shade of red.
"Well my work here is done. Now I've gotta go and see a gypsy voodoo priest about an ancient curse." Judy said grabbing her purse and rising to her feet.
"Say what?!" Tom said in his new higher register, provoking amused expressions from his partners. "I can't pull that off can I?"
"No honey!" Hoffs said sympathetically. "Beside it's not for me. I'm on a case. See you lovebirds later." she said as she headed for the door. "Anyone want any hemlock or lizards tails bringing back?" she asked with a grin.
"No I've got plenty of lizard's tails thanks. Just stocked up last week" Doug replied.
"Ok well bye and good luck. Oh and Hanson?"
"Yeah?"
"Stop doing that, you'll mess up your wig" A look somewhere between guilt and horror came across Hanson's face as he ceased twirling his new tresses round his fingers. Then he looked down at his attire and then across at the retreating form of Judy Hoffs.
"Er, Doug?" he said, laughter dancing in his heavily made up eyes.
"Yeah?"
"You ever think maybe our lives have started to become a little warped."
"Hey, Hanson" Ioki said suddenly. "Those are my shoes!"