Hey you! Yeah, you, right there. Don't look around if I meant someone else. You're alone anyway, are you? You wouldn't be on here if you weren't...!

"Wade! Are you on gayromeo again? I'm gonna kill you!"

I am not! I am talking to the audience. Readience. What do you call it when people read stuff? Coming to think of it, I never actually read shit. That involves being quiet. And I am not really good at that.

"You don't say!"

Yeah I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it? Don't you just love my personality? I am such a good person. Just this morning, I taught a kid what the world is about.

"What?"

He bought an ice-cream and I stole it an he started crying.

"The fuck, dude! It was just a kid! What should that teach him?"

That the world is unfair and something with survival of the fittest. Never, I tell you, never ever in your life, eat a fucking ice-cream in front of me. I mean, YOU, spidey, YOU definetly should. Aaah...and here comes the boner again.

"You're so predictable...weren't you supposed to tell a story?"

Yeah, I thought so too. But I guess the writer of this did not have any ideas and that's why we're still talking here and I can't tell anybody about my awesomeness. But they probably know already anyway, right? I have a certain reputation.

"So...what's it gonna about today?"

Hmm. About you probably.

"No...please..."

Don't be such a party pooper! People need to know!

"But why?"

It brings world peace.

"...what."

Yeah. You wanna know why?

"No, but you're gonna tell me anyway."

I am glad you asked! Don't you feel relaxed after I bonked you through the whole apartment?

"Yes and it would be nice if you would not sing 'we are the champions' afterwards."

I don't really have a choice you know. That's whitey's and yellow's ideas. I am the victim here. And totally innocent. You know that, don't you!

"...so?"

Well, after we finish, you feel relaxed. You don't want to put up a fight. Since it is rather impossible for me to have sex with all of you, my dear readers...(that's what you call them btw) -yes, thanks whitey! Since I can't because I am just a guy from a comic book, I want to let you all know what it feels like to have sex with me. I mean, not really feel...but anyway, you know what I am trying to say. And because I probably have more sex than you and because you're kinda pervert...there you go. See, I am a good person.

"Wade...that does not sound reasonable to me."

I did not ask for your opinion, spidey. Sex equals world peace. Shut up.

"Well, fuck you too."

Yeah, maybe later. Can we start then? If you don't wanna hear, you can just leave or get you some earplugs.

"Fine."

WARNING. If you are under 18 and reading this, I don't give a fuck and I won't tell your parents because they are probably on here right now, too! HA!

Wade had never been the kind of guy to fall for someone easily. Or to fall for someone at all. Love was something he did not understand and he was not really interested in experiencing it anyway. Hollywood had told him there was a happy end for anyone, it didn't matter if you just ate chocolate the whole day like Bridget Jones or almost choked on an apple like in some Disney movies. No offense though. Wade loved Disney movies.

The only thing he liked about this whole love-thing was that it involved sex. Wade loved sex. If he loved anything in this world apart from Tacos, it was probably that.

And it was so easy to manipulate these kinds of women that were easy to get into bed. There wasn't much to do. Crack a smile, talk some romantic bullshit, take them to dinner and then take off their shirts. Pants. Skirts. Whatever they had on.

(It doesn't matter. Let's move on!)

And then there was this guy. On his bed. In his room. His costume nearly ripped to shreds. Damn that dude was hot. Wade had never actually looked at Spiderman this close. He had always kept his distance. Kind of. Spiderman didn't like him. Because of Wade's morals.

"Wait, you don't even really have morals."

That's the point.

"Oh, okay."

When Spiderman opened his eyes, Wade jumped back and made himself stay in a ninja-like position until he thought he was not in danger. He got closer again, squeezed one eye and looked at the younger one in a investigative manner.

"Feeling better?"

"Kind of...", Spiderman whispered and coughed.

"Hey, don't spit on my bed, dude. Those sheets are new!"

"Yeah, sorry, asshole. I'll be out here in a sec. I did not ask you for help."

"No? You crashed through my fucking window. You could pay for that, by the way."

Spiderman ignored what Wade had said and tried to get up. He stood on his shaking legs and tried to make his way to the window, dragging his blood-drained feet over the floor. He moaned and hissed all kinds of swear words before he finally reached the window sill.

"You sure that you're okay?"

Spiderman ignored what...wait...didn't I say that already? Okay, whatever. He still didn't reply, opened the broken window and fell down the house wall. He tried to get a grip but he was still to weak. He also tried to shoot some webs but he couldn't focus and always missed the spot he wanted to hit.

(That sounded kinda sexual.)

We're getting there, don't worry.

- had to split this into two parts! Sorry! Next part coming soon! -