CW: Past rape, homophobia, past alcohol abuse, past child abuse

The hunters and Matthews were outside the school auditorium as the kids left a talent show, Maya thought it was dumb but Riley wanted to so she did too. They roped in the rest of the gang as well. Maya and Riley came over dragging Lucas with them. Riley was telling some story when Shawn noticed Maya's face. She was starring over at the couple. Shawn had, of course, heard the story of the whole Lucas/Riley/Maya love triangle. But he noticed Maya was definitely staring at Riley, not Lucas. It was the look you gave your crush. Shawn internally sighed, of fucking course, Maya was in love with Riley. They were so alike, right? Shawn thought back to the other times he'd seen them together, and over the past months, there was definitely "I'm crushing on her" behaviour from Maya. It was so obvious how did he miss it?

Shawn was by Maya's door when he heard crying. She was curled on her bed. Shawn walked over and sat next to her.
"What's wrong?" Shawn asked.
"You couldn't understand," Maya mumbled.
"Try me."
Maya sat up and whipped her face with her sleeve. "I have a crush...god that sounds like such a dumb problem."
"Crushes suck. But..."
"It can't work out."
"Why?"
"They're with someone else."
"We're talking about Riley right?" Shawn said she was avoiding pronouns, he should just let her know he knows.
"what? No." Maya said unconvincingly. How did he know? Was he okay with it?
"Maya I can tell. I'm not judging."
They looked at each other for a long moment. Till Maya flinched and started ranting.
"'It's so much more though I'm in love with her. And I can't tell her and I can't have her. You don't get that, she's my best friend, I can't lose her." Maya said her brain racing.
"Maya deep breath, calm down," Shawn said placing his hands on her shoulders.
"You don't get it," Maya repeated
"I know being in love with your friend." Shawn
"You had a thing for Topanga?" Maya said sounding confused.
"God no. I was in love with Cory." Shawn explained.
"What? Okay, one, that makes sense, two your what?"
"I'm bi."
"Does mom know?"
"She knows I'm bi. But she doesn't know, well we've never explicitly said, that I was in love with cory."
"How did you get over it?"
"You don't want to do it the way I did." Shawn sighed. Drinking yourself half to death and having lots of dumb sex was not how Maya should fix this, "You know you can tell your mom, and your friends you like girls. Your generation is really cool about it, and the Matthews love you."
"Do they know about you."
"Yeah, no," Shawn said with a half laugh.
"They love you."
"They'll want to know when I knew and why I never told them. That would include either telling them I was in love with Cory or lying."
"Same reason I can't tell them. I know you guys aren't going to be mad, well I think, but it's still scary and I can't tell them I love Riley things will be different. And things are finally actually okay." Maya said tears falling from her eyes again.
Shawn brought her into a hug.

Maya and Katy were sitting at the kitchen table the week before Thanksgiving. Shawn walked in.
"Okay I have something to tell you my brother said, Well I should just read the message;
'Shawn, how could you not tell me you have a daughter? You just text me to ask about...stuff...and just casually mention a daughter? and you're married? You should tell your own brother stuff. I'm meeting them, you are coming for Thanksgiving, or I will come over there myself."
"So we're going to meet your brother for Thanksgiving?" Maya said.
"I mean we don't have to. But I really should."
"It sounds nice, a real family thing," Katy said smiling but apprehensive.
Shawn nodded
On Thanksgiving, the Hunter's were driving to Philadelphia. Shawn was nervous. He and his brother were not really close. Shawn went to see them, mostly because he felt he owed it to his brother for taking care of him when he was at his low point.
/February 2005/
Shawn was laying on Jack's couch. Jack sat next to him. Shawn came by a lot. Mostly because jack asked him too. Jack was trying to tie Shawn down in a way, keeps him from falling off the face of the planet. He had mostly given up trying to really help him, it killed him but at least Shawn was okay.
"You know you talk in your sleep." Jack sighed, "I Forgot that."
Shawn sighed.
"You dream about cory a lot," Jack said, prompting Shawn to talk to him.
"Is that really a surprise?"
"No." Jack thought for a moment, "Were or are you in love with cory?"
"Yeah and?" Shawn grumbled.
"Yeah makes sense."
"I didn't fall apart just because I can't bang my best friend." Shawn defended
"I know that. But at least I feel observant." Jack, "It's those damn Matthews though they get you."
"What?"
"I had a thing for Eric in college."
"Damn Matthews," Shawn muttered bitterly.
"Shawn..I'm worried about you."
"You say that whenever I'm here."
"Well, kid you're a fucking mess."
"Hmmm."
"Let's eat something," Eleanor said.
Shawn groaned but stood up. Refusing food would give Jack more ammunition to try and fix him.
After dinner, Shawn was watching tv.
"You are getting help," Eleanor said as she sat next to Shawn.
"What the fuck do you know about it."
"I know you're too smart to be doing this. I know worrying about you is tearing your brother up."
Shawn just breathed loudly.
"He's scared and keeps saying he has to do something about it. But he's worried if he does anything you wouldn't trust him ever again."
"Why does he care?"
"Because your brother can be an idiot and a prat. But he's a good person and feels some responsibility for you."
"I don't need someone responsible for me."
"You have no one else, and he loves you," She said plainly and stood to leave.
"I do too."
"Do what?"
"I love him," Shawn said.
"Then do something about it." She demanded and walk away.
/November 2017/
The door opened on the house and James was standing there the younger over his brother kids.
"Shawn's here," James yelled.
eleanor came to the door.
"Come inside." She stood for a second looking at them, "You must be the famous Maya."
"Famous?"
"The last times he came by you were all he wanted to talk about."
Shawn blushed and Eleanor laughed.
"You must be Katy. You actually got Shawn hunter to stay in one place quite the accomplishment."
The charm was on at 10000% which aggravated Shawn a bit. However, the girls found it funny.
Oliva came over.
"Hey cuz," She said barely looking up from her phone at Maya.
"Hi," Maya replied
"Come back, James! Olivia!"Eleanor called
The two kids came back.
"Introduce yourselves."
"I'm Oliva, I'm fourteen, I'm a Sagittarius, I like long walks on the beach," Olivia said sarcastically
"I'm James! I'm nine and im a Simisage" James said.
"That's a pokemon." Olivia chided
"I'm Eleanor, Jack's wife," Eleanor said.
They sat on the couch.
"Wheres jack?" Shawn asked.
"Apparently if you're a CEO you can call a lawyer on national holidays," Eleanor explained.
Shawn nodded rubbing his hands on the rough denim of his pants. He wanted to get whatever confrontation was going to take place out of the way.
They watched the parade. Maya fiddled with her phone, not really doing anything just scrolling to scroll. She kept eyeing everyone around her. It was unsettling everyone acting like this was perfectly normal when it wasn't. Shawn was biting his lips so hard it was going to bleed. Her mother kept trying to make polite conversations with the other mother but they kept getting stuck and just sitting in silence for a while longer. Oliva was also on her phone and James was on some gaming thing.
"I'm going to cook," Eleanor announced
"I'll help!" Katy said.
The kids and Shawn were left in the living room.
"So, uncle Shawn. Been anywhere cool recently?" Olivia asked after an awkward moment of car commercials.
"Uhh, I've mostly been in new york."
"Right. Well, I think you should let me come to see you. I've never been to the actual city just my grandparents summer house." Olive said.
"I could see the giant lady." James said, "I have to learn her stupid poem every year but I bet it's better in person. I like it best when in movies she comes alive or gets destroyed and stuff."
"Maybe," Sawn said.
"It's not that great once you've been there forever. But some of the stuff is cool." Maya said. Trying to be a part of what was going on. She didn't really want to be hated by her family.
"Yeah. But all we got is a stupid bell." Oliva said, "and like places dead people lived."
"Mr Matthews would hate you saying that. He's my history teacher. He loves history."
"You mean Cory?" James said.
"You know Cory?" Maya said confused.
"Shawn talks about him a lot." Oliva said, "You and Cory are like all he talked about last time. I like it better when has stories about cool cities or stuff like that. But no, he's obsessed with you people."
Shawn's face went red, and Maya laughed he face flushing and eyes lighting up.
Jack came inside. And ripped his suit jacket off with a huff.
"I hate those people. You can't just call people in on holidays, I don't care if you need your insurance to cover black Friday deaths." He grumbled.
"Hey, Jack." Shawn.
"Shawn!" Jack said.
The brothers shared an awkward hug.
The wives came back into the kitchen.
"Umm jack, this is my wife Katy. And my daughter Maya."
"Hey, I've seen you before." Maya said, "you were at my school dance with Eric!"
"Yeah I was"
"Okay, what?" Shawn said looking between them for clarification.
"I was sent to go lawyer Eric and then somehow I got wrapped into some Matthews thing."
"Ah, the dreaded Mathews' things," Shawn said with a smile.
"It was during the whole Lucas thing," Maya explained.
"Rachel?" Shawn asked.
"Yup."
Shawn just nodded.
"Sooo."
"Let's talk," Jack said pulling Shawn into the backyard.
Katy and Eleanor went back to the kitchen, and the kids sat back down.

Katy mostly just stood to the side getting things while Eleanor cooked. She had started the turkey before they got there, and a whole bunch of things were prepped and prepared. The whole thanksgiving sha-bang.
"So, Whos Rachel?" Katy asked.
"Jack's ex-girlfriend they went into the peace corps together, I think Eric Matthews liked her too," Eleanor explained.
"Ah."
"How is Shawn?" Eleanor asked turning to face Katy.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's mostly been radio silence for a year. And it scared the hell out of Jack."
"Why? I thought Shawn just kinda did that."
"Not with Jack actually, I mean physically yeah they are distant. And they aren't like good at feeling. But He generally makes Shawn check-in. Make sure he's not dead or in jail or something."
Katy felt confused. Even with what Shawn had told her in the past months she didn't really picture him as a guy who someone would think that about.
"Why would he think that."
"There was like three years where he kind of just showed up, not doing well...You don't know this?" Eleanor asked.
"Well, no."
"Fuck," Eleanor muttered to the floor.
"Wow."
"What?"
"You look like you fell out of a 50's sitcom its funny to hear you curse."
"I'm not Donna Reed."
"Yeah." Katy laughed.
They looked at each other and smiled.
"But seriously what happened?"
"Like I said, he would just show up broke and drunk. Probably high a few times I don't know. He looked like death. We tried for a while to get him to fix it. It didn't work, well until we got married actually. He was there, he managed to not mess anything up. But when we got back from the honeymoon he had gotten himself help. He never told Jack why. When he was over here meeting oliva when we adopted her, he told me he got sober because he didn't remember the wedding when he woke up the next day." Eleanor felt a familiar Shawn related feeling, anger and sadness. His face when he told her that was pathetic, but her damn compassion had made her glad he was safe.
Katy glanced at the floor then turned to chop the vegetables. Eleanor cleared her throat and turned back to the stove.
A few minutes passed and Katy turned back.
"So, what do you like to do?" Katy said awkwardly.
"I own a flower shop. I know not helping the whole donna read thing."
"I mean owning a business is very 1990s sitcom."
"Thanks. so...What do you do?"
"I work at our friend's cafe."
"Cool. Shawn talked a lot about Maya last time he was here. He loved her art."
"Yeah, that is her thing. I never was good at that."
"Oh my god. My kids are obsessed with computers James keeps trying to teach me to code."
"I would die computers baffle me."
They cooked and talked after that, the ice was broken.

Maya and the other kids kept themselves distracted.
"What's Shawn like as a dad?" James asked.
"What do you mean?" Maya snapped.
"Chill, I'm just asking," James replied.
"He's fine. Really cool, and he cares about me." Maya said bringing he legs in and crossing her arms.
"Does he bring you cool stuff when he comes from trips?" Olivia asked.
"No, but he buys me clothes and school stuff," Maya explained.
"I guess that makes more sense. Cool gifts are more uncle things, dads have to do boring stuff." James said, "ugh low battery"
James stomped up the stairs.
"How often does Shawn come here?" Maya asked.
"Not that often, once or twice a year. Except he's not been here for over a year. And didn't call much."
"How do you know he hasn't called?"
"You can tell when Shawn calls," Oliva said like it was a fact.
"How?" Maya probed.
"Hmm,m Dad gets all strange for a bit, he and mom talk about if he sounded okay yata yata."
"Why would they do that."
"I don't know the whole story. But it's because your dad had like issues and stuff. Pretty sure they think he's going to lose it again" Oliva clarified
"What?" Maya said more to herself. She supposed it made sense that he had problems, she knew she had and people probably thought that about her. But it was still odd to hear someone say that about Shawn. She had seen him fight with Cory which was strange when your 30 something but she wouldn't say she ever thought he would lose it.

Jack and Shawn sat on the porch not really looking at each other. Jack was upset, Shawn hadn't called him like he normally would, or check-in. God that made jack sound like his parole officer or something. Which wasn't true, except he had gotten Shawn out of jail once, but that was years ago.
/August 2003/
Jack drummed on the table in the police office main entryway. He was getting his brother out on bail. Honestly, it really wasn't surprising, but it was also a bit humiliating for both of them. Shawn had no one else to call. Well technically not true they knew Amy and Alan would probably come to get him, and Cory would for sure. But Jack had become the acceptable person to see Shawn explode, which Jack thought was fucking bullshit. Shawn should let someone else clean up his fucks ups once in a while. Jack often felt like screaming at Shawn that he was going to kill himself or turn into Chet or some other bullshit. Well at least with the sex Shawn was having he couldn't get anyone pregnant.
Shawn came out he kind of stumbled laceless shoes were hard to walk in. He got in the car with Jack and they drove down the road not saying anything.
"Shawn, why the hell did you think it was a good idea to start a bar fight?" Jack scream when as they sat idling in traffic.
"He wouldn't stop touching me," Shawn grumbled.
"Don't you go to bars like that to fuck anyway!"
"Oh yes, gay bars are only for sex I couldn't possibly just want a fucking drink."
"Shawn you can't just hit people."
"I didn't mean to start a fight I just freaked out," Shawn shouted
"That's not an excuse."
"People shouldn't touch you if don't want them to. " Shawn said quieter.
Jack seethed. Then he noticed Shawn was crying. He had only seen his brother cry when their dad had died, and when he thought Cory was leaving him.
"Why the hell are you crying?"
"God now I can't cry?" Shawn quipped but there was no anger behind it just exhaustion.
"Shawn, why did you start a fight?" Jack asked calmer this time. He was getting a goddamn answer if he had to drive an hour in the middle of the night and now sit in godforsaken bumper to bumper traffic.
"I don't really remember what happened. And no not because I was drunk I hadn't even finished my first beer."
"Then why don't you remember?"
"It all just happened. "
"Things don't just happen."
"I don't know! You just don't get it."
"What don't I get."
"People touching you is a real mind fuck when it makes you get flashbacks to being raped," Shawn screamed and hit the dashboard with his fist.
They both stopped for a second. Shawn hadn't slept in days and was severely out of it he hadn't meant to say that but now it was said.
Jack felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Nothing made any sense right now.
"What?" Jack said quietly.
"When I was a junior in high school. I joined this like cultish thing, I don't know, and the guy who ran it was sick." Shawn explained.
Jack nodded. What the fuck he thought. How had he not known this, well he knew Shawn and him weren't exactly big on the brotherly love side of things. But it was just confusing.
"I'm sorry." was all Jack could think of to say.
"Yeah well, it doesn't matter"
"The hell it doesn't! Some dude raped you when you were what 16? that's kind of a big deal."
"It doesn't matter."
"It made you get in a bar fight and end up in jail that kind of matters."
"Dude dropped charges probably doesn't want his wife to know he was in a gay bar."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"No your not."
"Shawn I am. I know you have this idea that I don't really care, but I do. I know dad made you feel like that, and you hate yourself for bailing on cory but don't put that shit on me. I'm doing the best I can."
"I'm sorry," Shawn mumbled turning to the window.
"Damn kid, just say thank you. I'm gonna text Elanor to make some food and buy some band-aids and ice packs. God you look like hell warmed over" Jack muttered.
"Thank you," Shawn said just loud enough jack could hear.
/2017/
Shit stayed bad for a little while after that but they were closer for a while, but he married Eleanor and in a few years they were distant again. After they got married they had immediately applied to be foster parents, adopted Olivia and had James soon after. Shawn had gotten a job as a writer and stayed sober. He would still come by and Jack made him call regularly. He felt responsible all the shit the kid went through, and he hadn't been there it was this guilt he couldn't quite shake.
Shawn fixed his eyes on the sky the clouds drift by and the air was cold. He was waiting for jack to do something.
"What was the wedding like?" Jack said eventually.
"Good. I was spontaneous I didn't want to do the whole thing. It was Katy, Maya, me and the Matthews. And some girl who's Auggie's friend."
"Where did you do it?"
"The roof of the Matthews' apartment building."
"Only you Shawn."
"Oh, Mr Feeny officiated."
"He can do that."
"He can for me."
"God Feeny haven't seen him in years."
"Still Feeny." Shawn laughed.
"How are Cory and Topanga?"
"Good. They were supposed to go to London for Topanga's job. But they're such saps they stayed here."
"You would have freaked out if they left."
"The whole time we were waiting for an answer I felt like I was going to puke," Shawn admitted.
A silence fell again, then Shawn decided he should start it up again.
"So my question?"
"What should you tell Maya?"
"Yeah. Because I handled it like shit but you did good."
"You did good...eventually."
"Yeah, but I don't think the runaway option is a good one."
"Well, I have just pretended I was straight my whole life also not a good option."
"But you got married and have this." Shawn threw his hand in the air gesturing to the house behind hem
"But I didn't fall in love," Jack said fervently.
Shawn sighed. That was true, Jack was gay not bi like Shawn. He had chosen the McMansion, suite, fancy car life over actually falling in love. Which worked out okay. But it wasn't ideal. Jack had learned the hunter skill of muddle through pretend shit is fine. He had chosen less destructive means like spending too much money on suites and watching lots of gay movies on Netflix.
"Okay so neither of us have good coping skills." Shawn placated.
"So what do we tell her.
"Don't run away, don't develop addictions, don't marry someone you don't love?"
"Well yeah, but I don't think we should say it like that."
"So what do I say?"
"Why are you asking me, we have established I didn't handle it well."
"You have kids!"
"I don't know if my kids are gay!"
"Okay, but you've had kids for years I've had a kid for like one."
"That's fair," Jack admitted.
"I think you tell her to be honest about who she is. And to not wait around hoping Riley will love her the way she wants her to."
Shawn nodded. That was good advice.
"How did I come up with that you get paid to make good words."
"When I write things I look at people and my brain whigs out."
"Yeah, you suck at that."
"Thanks, bro."
Jack smiled, Shawn smiled back.

All 7 people were in the living room watching the game. Everyone was talking amicably. However, they were also a bit lost in thought.
Shawn glad he had advice for Maya but terrified that he and Jack still hadn't had a conversation about the communication blackout which he knew Jack had to be angry about.
Katy was still a little shaken by the way Eleanor discussed Shawn, she cared that was clear but it wasn't in the "lovable scamp'" type way the Matthews, Feeny, and Jonathan Turner did. It was frustration and sadness, it was something that was unnerving.
Eleanor was mad at Shawn because Katy was way too shocked by Eleanor's story then she liked, also thinking about how much she liked Katy she was a down to earth person and talked about Maya like she was the sun. They had talked about the kids after Shawn and it had been fine.
Maya was thinking it was odd to have cousins and how their view of Shawn was close to Riley's in that he was a bit of a mystery but he was mythical and cool to them but more like Kurt Cobain then like Adam Levine. She also was slightly uncomfortable in the McMansion with the flat screen tv.
Jack was attempting to keep his emotions in check. The conversations he had with Shawn were always upsetting. But discussing their respective fuck ups was the worst. He also hadn't gotten to ask his question, which was why the hell hadn't he been invited to the wedding or meet Maya and Katy.
Dinner rolled around and after the pass, the rolls were done. Jack couldn't hold it in anymore,
"Why wasn't I invited to the wedding?"
"I told you it was small and not super planned." Shawn defended.
"You had time to ask Feeny to marry you."
"Yeah, but it was small," Shawn said not really having an answer.
"The Matthews were there."
"Yeah but it's cory," Shawn said with a no duh expression.
"Yeah of course cory," Jack muttered turning his face from Shawn.
"Well to be fair, Riley is Maya's best friend, and I'm friends with Topanga. They're why we know each other." Katy explained.
"That makes sense jack," Eleanor said placatingly.
Jack sighed. He knew Shawn was lying. It was never that simple with shaw. He played laid back cool guy and people bought, hell even James and Olivia thought that. But he knew better.
Shawn Looked at jack aware they both knew Shawn wasn't being totally honest.
" So...maya, you do art right?" Oliva asked changing the topic.
"Yeah, I do."
"Favourite medium? I like digital art best, it's perfect for fanart."
"I'm a coloured pencil, and acrylics type girl," Maya said
"Old school impressive," Oliva remarked.
"Well, I like the feeling hell I don't even mind the fume headaches."
"I'm more into graphics, but I do get the feeling thing. Drawing and it coming out right is so satisfying." Olivia said wistfully.
"I know. It's like I have this thing that I did it's mine."
"Do you post your art anywhere?" Olivia asked.
"Sure I'll show you after dinner," Maya said.
"Cool."
"I'm going to be a game designer," James announced. The attention had not been his most of the day and he was getting a bit annoyed,
"Cool," Maya said.
"Yeah. I'm going to make the games and Olivia will make the cover art."
"That's the plan," Oliva said with a fond smile.
The ate in silence for a while. Then broke up as James was getting tired.
Jack and Shawn cleaned up as they hadn't cooked. In the kitchen, jack turned to face Shawn.
"What's the real reason?"
"You know the wrong side of me." Shawn signed.
"Shouldn't they know the whole you?"
"Katy knows most of it now. The drinking and our father."
"Who art in heaven?"
"Nah man hell for sure."
They smiled, but it was mirthless
"What about the other thing?"
"Hell no."
"Does anyone."
"That therapist I saw for a while, and you."
"Damn."
"It.."
"Doesn't matter."
"Yeah."
"Shawn it's not like I would have come in screaming your life story."
"Sure, but you act a certain way around me. Like I'm going to break."
"I don't mean to."
"You do though."
"I care."
" I know."
They hugged.
"You can't cut me off again," Jack remarked,