Chapter 6 *Reflections*

My shirt is damp and sticks to me when I wake up with a start and I have to take a few breaths to realize I'm in bed alone.

I touch my neck and feel that I'm covered in sweat. It makes me shudder because the window is open and fresh air is crawling over my skin. I throw a glance at the clock on my bedside table and groan.

4.30am…

It's the third time I wake up after I had the hardest time finding rest in the first place.

What's happening…

I throw the thick covers back and get up on my feet. No wonder am I sweating like a pig – I'm still wearing my sweatpants that I put on to clean the windows. I shimmy them down, throw them somewhere on the floor and they get followed by my tank top seconds later. It's drenched!

With nothing but my panties on I step towards the window in the dark. It's full moon so I can see where to put my feet and not crash into the bed or Gabe's chair with tons of clothes on it.

It's a big window with a sill you can sit on and once I've opened it wider, I sink down and take a deep breath. If somebody was in the garden now they could see me half naked but I'm pretty sure our neighbors are fast asleep at this time of day.

The moon could be the reason for my insomnia because I don't sleep well at full moon.

That's a lie… I couldn't care less if the moon if full or a crescent. I can't sleep because my mind won't sleep.

It's a good thing Gabe isn't here right now. He's on a whole different continent and actually it should make me wistful but it only makes me feel relieved. If he saw me like this then he would know right away.

That's impossible… I don't even know what is going on so how could he know?

And that was another lie; I'm not relieved. I'm glad I am alone right now but I'm everything else but relieved. Brittany left maybe six hours ago. And I can still feel her lips… better not think of it.

What's happening?

This doesn't have to be a big deal. It was a reflex, like she said. She was crying because we were talking about this crazy thing and I was there and I…

I know that's not what you do to comfort a friend. But we're not even friends. We work together and I hit her with my car but I wouldn't call that a friendship. It's not what you do to comfort anybody, especially not if you're married.

Because that's what I am.

Is Gabe safe down there? There was a text message saying he was fine when I went to sleep and I have no idea what I replied to him. Maybe he's flirting with doctor Martinez. He has always looked up to her. I don't know who I'm trying to fool because I know exactly Gabe would never cheat on me. And I have never cheated on him. Sure there have been guys checking me out whenever Quinn and I go for a drink or something. Actually I got offered three phone numbers on Friday night when we were out at that club.

But I made clear that I was zero interested because that's what I was. So no, I have never cheated on my husband. Because what happened a couple hours ago is not what you could compare to cheating. I had no idea Brittany is gay. There is nothing about her that would make you think she is. Except she was flirting with Ann Dupré like a world champion but I thought it was for the job.

But that's irrelevant. If she was a man, then I would have tried to console him, too. No, that doesn't make sense. If she was straight then I would have consoled her, too. I mean that's what I thought she was. Or maybe I didn't really think of her as anything? Gay or straight?

I have once made out with a girl… actually it was several times. I was sixteen and my best friend Vicky Javier and I did pretty much everything together. We went on double dates with guys and then never talked to them again. We made out with the same football player at parties and later during our sleepovers couldn't stop laughing at how bad he had been at it.

She was on the cheerios but I wasn't because I was not good enough. She was beautiful and popular and I guess we were friends because we lived next door.

One day she asked me if I would make out with her so we could practice for boys. At first I laughed because I thought she was joking but when her face was only inches away, I knew she was serious and so I said yes.

I remember that first kiss like it was yesterday even though I haven't thought of Vicky in forever. It was bit awkward at first until we got into it.

For the next five months I would pick her up after cheerio practice and drive back to my place. My parents were hardly ever home so all we did was hang on the big couch in the living room, watch soap operas and make out until I couldn't feel my lips anymore. I thought we were practicing hard and that was it.

I had never had a boyfriend because at that time I felt very insecure about myself and my looks. I could have had one if I really wanted, many boys asked me out. But I found that weird because I really wasn't pretty at that time so after two dates at the latest I would ignore their calls and not look at them in the hallways. Maybe it was some sort of self-protection. Maybe I was just not interested.

I never really questioned it. All my girlfriends started dating guys and got into serious relationships, except for Vicky and me. Whenever I got dropped off after a date, I made my way over to hers and we would watch TV until 3am and cuddle under the blankets.

I never questioned that, either. We were just closer than normal girlfriends and I liked it. I felt safe and happy whenever we spent time together and making out for practice was just bonus.

Until I didn't really care about practice anymore and just liked making out – because we were making out. I started questioning it when we got to second base one hot summer afternoon but I never asked her because I was too scared she would end it right away.

So I kept my mouth shut and touched her boobs under the cheerio top which got me all worked up and confused. We also didn't make out with boys anymore but that was our secret. We spent as much time together as possible and I just liked everything about her. I was happy.

But we never got to third base as she ended it during our senior year. Her mother kept asking weird questions why she was spending so many evenings at my place and why she didn't have a boyfriend. So Vicky said that we had to stop the "phase-thing". That's what she called it and I believed her. Because I had not the slightest clue what it meant and so we ended the phase thing…

We stayed friends for maybe three weeks and then she stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot but there was nothing I could do.

So I started dating boys again (always just one or two dates) and at the age of eighteen I lost my virginity to some football jock. I also slept with some other guys later but I never really felt something during it. I don't know why.

Vicky and I didn't even say hello anymore. We went to different colleges after high school and that's when I got to know Gabe.

He was my first real boyfriend… the first person after Vicky that I felt safe with and that I didn't ignore after two dates. That's because we had been friends already and I guess that's what made it so easy. Easy to be together. Easy to live.

I never felt attracted to another girl again because I didn't even consider it. Sure, I found many beautiful but didn't think of it any further because I had Gabe and Gabe and I were good together.

It has never been an issue again. And that's why I can't sleep tonight…

"You look like you could use coffee. Cafeteria?"

I look up from my computer and see Quinn searching for something in her purse.

"Uh… why do you mean?" I ask and wonder if it's written on my forehead. Quinn pulls her wallet out and throws me a weird glance.

"Because you look like you could use coffee?"

"Oh… but why do you mean?"

"Are you serious? I just want coffee and don't wanna go alone. So are you up for it or not?" She asks slightly annoyed and then I know she probably doesn't think something is up. Usually Quinn can tell something is up before she even enters the room.

"Uhm… sure, why not." I save my work on the computer and then grab my wallet, too. I follow Quinn outside and together we're descending the stairs to get to the giant Sylvester cafeteria.

"So did Brittany say thank you or something after what you did?" Quinn asks and I almost stumble over my feet. It's coincidence, I didn't stumble because she mentioned Brittany. "Jeez what's wrong with you today?" She gasps and grabs my arm to make sure I stand safely.

"Huh? Why – nothing! Are you okay?" I ask and Quinn looks at me funnily.

"Am I ok? Are you?"

But I just shrug she pushes me inside the cafeteria. Luckily there is no one standing in line at the vending machine and Quinn studies the different buttons.

"I'm inviting you. What are you having?" She says and grabs some coins.

"Uh… coffee, please."

Quinn slowly turns towards me with her eyebrows knitted together.

"It's a coffee machine – I meant what sort. Latte? Espresso? Seriously Santana, what is up?"

There it is. She can freakin' see right through me!

"Nothing? Why do you always assume something is wrong?" I ask and can hear the insecurity in my own voice. Quinn looks back and forth between my eyes and my hands and tilts her head to the side.

"Because you brought your make-up bag instead of your wallet."

I stare at her confusedly and then look down at my hands. It's true…

"Oh… wasn't looking when I reached for it." I put it behind my back quickly and try to avoid Quinn's questioning glance. "I'll have a presseso. Espresso!"

Quinn bursts into laughter and I can feel how I'm turning red. What the fuck?

"Ok, you know what? Why don't you go sit down at that table over there and take a deep breath. I'll be right there and then we can talk. Go now…" She pushes me gently and points to a nearby table. I oblige because I'll just keep making a fool out of myself otherwise.

So when I scuff towards the free table, I throw a glance across the room and when I spot Brittany sitting just a few meters away, I freeze and I'm pretty sure I could throw up if I wanted as my stomach makes loops.

She's sitting there with Rachel and Mike and they are just laughing about something. Well, Rachel is doing so probably at her own joke while Brittany is just sitting next to her with a small smile on her face and playing with a blonde lock of hair.

I must stare at her because she slowly turns her head and our glances meet between a group of people walking by. I'm pretty sure to see her eyes widen but I can't check again as I am already looking away and making the last few steps to reach the table and thank God whoever invented chairs.

My legs feel like… Play-Doh…

Holy shit, holy shit – what's happening? Why does my tummy act like a yoyo? Crap, crap, crap, crap, cra-

"Here you go. Here is your presseso." Quinn chuckles and puts the small cup of coffee between my hands. She sits down on the chair next to me and takes a sip of her own cup. Then she narrows her eyes and studies my face which almost drives me insane.

"What? Stop it!" But she doesn't stop and supports her head in her hand.

"Let me guess… you've been trying to call Gabe but he's not picking up and now you're worried he's having an affair down there." At first I just raise my eyebrows but then I pull a disgusted face.

"You're a pig. He's in Africa, helping poor and sick people." I mumble and guide the cup to my lips only to burn my tongue and curse.

Quinn rolls her eyes and seems to be thinking of another option.

"Ok. Then you thought he was gonna come home in three weeks but he just told you he's staying twice as long."

I click my tongue because this is ridiculous.

"No! It's nothing about my husband, ok? I mean it's nothing at all!" But Quinn doesn't seem satisfied.

"Ooohh… does that mean there is someone else? Please say that's not the case – you and Gabe are such a perfect couple."

"No, Quinn! Please, it's nothing, alright? I slept for like two hours last night and now I feel strained. Can we talk about something else? Jeez…"

Quinn eyes me for a couple seconds and then nods surrendering.

"Ok, whatever" She sips her coffee and I feel bad that I just snapped at her but I really, really don't want to talk to her about what happened.

From the corner of my eye I see a group of people getting up and making their way near us.

"Hey guys! Working just as hard?" Rachel teases with an ecstatic voice and nudges Quinn while walking by. Quinn grins and makes a comment, too but I'm not listening. I'm busy with sneaking a glance at Brittany while trying hard to avoid her eyes.

She's walking next to Mike and he's got his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey girls" He greets friendly and I reciprocate his smile. And that's when Brittany's eyes meet mine and I could say hi but I don't because they're already walking by and turning their backs towards us.

Quinn gazes after them and softly shakes her head.

"You know I think it's really weird. I mean you safe Brittany's job and she acts like it didn't affect her at all. She'd be sitting at home now if it wasn't for your little rescue operation. At first I thought she was interesting but I think she's really just selfish and introverted."

I'm staring at my hands and only dare to look up slowly.

"Well… actually she came to say thanks last night." I mumble and Quinn stares at me.

"Huh? She did? Why didn't you say that when I asked you if she said thanks?"

But I just shrug because really I don't know and I'm too tired to think. So we just sit there for another while and sip our coffees, both lost in thoughts.

It's five o'clock when I step out of the building and have to narrow my eyes because the sun is burning from a nasty angle.

My shoulders are aching as I'd been sitting in the same position for the past three hours without getting up. It's like a freakin' plane flight sometimes…

I reach into my bag to find the key to my car but have to stand still when I can't find it. I feel it somewhere deep down between make-up and lip balm and when I pull it out, the key chain entangles with something and the next thing I know, is how a box falls out of my bag and twenty-something tampons land everywhere around me.

"Damn…" I kneel down and collect some of them but then I feel silly and get back up on my feet. When I lift my head, I almost drop them again because apparently someone has been watching me.

"Need help?" Brittany asks and her eyes wander over the mess I just created. Of course we have to be the only ones out here as far as the eye can see.

I exhale something between a nervous laugh and a sigh.

"Just… dropped them." I mumble and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. When I look up I see that Brittany is studying me and my glance quickly drops back to my feet. A couple seconds pass until I sense her stepping a bit closer.

"Are you ok?" She asks and I somehow manage to look into her eyes.

"Huh? Uh… yeah? Sure…" But she must know I'm lying because she nods hesitantly and then looks down, too.

"Are you?" I ask and try to sound casual but it comes out weak and pathetic. Brittany sucks in her top lip and shrugs.

"Y-yeah" She states simply and when we gaze at each other, I'm pretty sure we both know and think the same. "I mean… I feel really stupid. I wanted to apologize again but I didn't see you all morning and everyone was there in the cafeteria. But uh… you know about last night – I don't know what I was thinking. I…"

"No, I know. Don't worry. It was nothing, right? I mean this whole situation was bit weird. I guess we…" But I have no idea what I'm actually trying to say and so I just fall silent.

Brittany's eyes wander over my face and then she nods again. She points to the cars behind me and we start walking until we get closer to my car. We don't speak until we get there and I'm not quite sure why we're walking there together.

I stop when we reach my car and I fiddle with the key in my hand.

"I just…" Brittany continues and steps in front of me. I swallow because it's quite a bit closer than before and I look up at her. "I really hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable. I usually don't just kiss-"

"No, please. It's ok. I mean I didn't…" What I want to say is that I didn't exactly stop her, either but that would make it so real. It can't be real. It can only be nothing. "Let's just forget about it. Start over? We had a bad start with the whole accident thing and then we didn't get along and… can we just try again?"

I'm begging her with my eyes and hope she'll accept. Because I have no idea what to do. I don't know if this is the right thing. But it can't be that wrong, right?

I watch how she nods slowly and for a second her eyes pierce into mine like she's trying to look inside me. But nu-uh that's not a good idea…

"Yeah. Good idea. Let's try again. Duh – we could have done that a lot sooner, huh?" She asks and we both chuckle at that because it's true. We really could have.

She's playing with her hands and when her glance drops, I get to look at her face. My eyes wander to her forehead and that's when I notice that the patch is gone. There is a reddish tiny scar and I press my teeth together because I think I'll feel bad for the rest of my life.

I swear it's not in my power when I reach out and my finger ghosts over the small wound. It must have really hurt.

Only when I look back into her eyes I know that she's been observing my move and I quickly pull my hand back. Stupid!

"Sorry…" I whisper and scratch my own forehead to somehow keep my hand occupied. I clear my throat and hold up the key in my hand.

My car makes a beeping noise when I press the small button and try to make clear that I'm ready to go.

Brittany snaps back from whatever thoughts she was in and points to the opposite direction.

"Yeah, I should go. I'll uh… I'll see you around?" I only nod because I don't trust my voice. A tiny smile I manage to give to her and then we both turn around.

When I'm sitting in my car and I have fastened the seat belt, I let out a shaky breath that I did not realize I was holding.

Chapter 7 *Eyes*

So… somehow a whole week has passed and I am getting buried with work. Shelby is crazy! A hundred thousand advertising texts for new beauty products are waiting to be written down by me because another co-worker just quit out of nowhere and I had to take over most of her work. But then I'm also supposed to be there for Shelby when she needs me in the celebrity department. This morning I had to make copies for her. Copies!

But I have learned how to do more than one thing at a time. Like right now I am on the phone with Kurt as I need his advice on one of the products and at the same time I'm typing a reply to my husband's email from last night. Also am I looking at two printed versions of a current job Quinn is working on and point to the left one. She's been holding the examples in front of my nose and asked which one looks better and she seems satisfied with my choice.

"Ok, Kurt thanks a lot! I gotta hang up now. Huh? … If Quinn and I wanna go out tomorrow night? Uhm… hang on" Quinn turns around when I mention her name and bobs her head. "Looks like Quinn is up for it. I'll think about it, ok? Can't promise you anything, yet. Ok bye!"

I put the phone down and exchange a glance with Quinn. She just sat back at her desk and shakes her head.

"Why do you have to think about it? It'll be fun! Didn't you have a great night last time?"

"Yeah, I did. Doesn't mean I need it every weekend."

"Please… if you work for the Sylvester magazine then it is necessary that you go out every weekend to survive the stress. And it's not like your man's home to keep you busy, either. So you don't have a choice. You, Kurt and I are going out tomorrow."

I sigh and shrug it off. I'll think about it later and make up my mind. Right now I have to focus on what to reply to Gabe. He's been writing me an email every day to keep me up to date. Within that first week they have already had great success and treated countless sick people.

I'm happy for him… this has always been his greatest passion actually. To work in a place where his help is much needed, where he can make something just a little better.

I don't know how he does it. But I know he's good at it so I never complained about him being away quite often. I don't think he would have stayed if I had asked him to. He would have said that this is something he needs to do and that it's part of his job. A discussion about his job would be pointless and so we never discuss it.

I type that Shelby is still treating me like her personal assistant and that it's sort of high season here at the Sylvester but that I'm doing fine.

With a 'Miss u, too – Love, Tana'I sign off and press 'send'.

And that's when my phone rings again. I groan and take one single bite of an apple that has been placed next to my computer and I haven't managed to eat because the stupid phone keeps ringing.

"Lopez!" I yell into the mouth piece and cough unattractively when I gulp down the piece of apple too early.

"Hey, it's me, Brittany. What was that?"My eyes widen and I quickly throw the apple into the bin.

"Oh hi. What do you mean?"

"It sounded like you just coughed real badly. You ok?"

"Yeah no, that was Quinn. She's sitting right next to me." I throw a glance across the room and shrug my shoulders when Quinn goes 'Excuse me?'.

"Oh… ok. Uhm, do you have a minute?"

"Yeah?" Actually I don't have one but whatever.

"Well, Shelby just stopped by and gave me a new assignment. I'm meeting this pop band in about an hour, I don't know if you've heard of them. They're called The Compasses and I'll be taking some pictures and ask a few questions before their gig tonight."

"Ok…"

"She said I should take you or Quinn with me for… I don't know, some sort of back-up. So if one of you could stop by later? I'm sure you have enough to do but Shelby said that's what interns do. I'm sorry if I'm holding you guys back."

"Oh… no that's ok. You don't wanna disagree with Shelby. I have to talk to Quinn but one of us will come over in a short while, alright?"

"That would be great, thanks a lot."

"No problem. See ya later. I mean – maybe. Bye!"

"Right. Bye"

I hang up and want to slap myself. This is exactly how every conversation has happened ever since we agreed to start over. We talk normally and then at the end I say something weird.

"Hey Quinn? Do you wanna go accompany Brittany to this job? She's meeting The Compasses and I guess it would be pretty cool to see what they're doing."

But Quinn only points to her desk which looks worse than mine; no space or time for anything else. I sigh and let my hands run through my hair.

Guess I'll do it… no biggie.

"Oh wow I had no idea The Compasses are that big of a deal!" I gasp when Brittany and I step into a giant concert hall where we're supposed to meet the four band members back stage. We arrived twenty minutes ago (Brittany drove again) and have been making our way through a maze of hallways, backdoors and staircases until we run into the arms of a guy called John.

Brittany introduces me to the 'best concert manager in the woooorld' and falls around his neck, kissing his cheeks. Apparently he's the guy who Brittany was talking to on the phone last week and referred to me as her assistant. He starts babbling right away with a heavy Italian accent and I learn that John and Brittany have worked together plenty of times in the past and that he always manages to organize some special goodies for Brittany and the people she works for.

No wonder… with that flirty attitude, long blonde hair and a smile to make them hearts beat faster – everyone would promise her special treatment or discount or basically anything she wanted.

"The band is quite big in the business these days…" Brittany states when we follow John backstage.

I get to shake some hands and get introduced to people who I'll probably never see again but I don't care. This thing is huge and I feel special being here. I've never been backstage to anything.

When we reach an empty hallway, John tells us to enter through the last door on the right and then says goodbye to us. I offer my hand for a handshake but John leans down and kisses me on both cheeks. I think he even mumbles something like 'che bella' and winks at Brittany before turning around and leaving us alone.

"Funny accent…" I mumble absentminded and Brittany chuckles when we start walking down the hall.

"Yeah he travels back and forth between L.A. and Italy. His name's actually Giovanni but I guess he wants it to sound more American…"

I grin and wonder what's going to happen next. I have heard of The Compasses and I have actually bought one of their most popular singles on iTunes. But other than that song I don't know their music too well. I hope Brittany's going to do most of the talking as I have no idea what to ask or do.

"Do you have their albums?" I want to know. Brittany throws a short glance at me and nods.

"Yeah, I have them all. I should have played them for you on our ride here, they're all in my car. We can listen to their music on our way back though. They're really good."

I nod and smile at her when we stop in front of the door we need to get through. Apparently someone from inside the room is just about to get out when Brittany wants to open it and when I make a jump to not get hit, I bump into her.

"Oh sorry" I mumble and find my hand on her shoulder. I quickly peel my body off hers and I hate myself for the flush creeping over my cheeks – so unnecessary!

She doesn't say anything and just blinks twice.

"Ladies! You must be Sue Sylvester's girls coming for a little chat with the band?" We get greeted by a woman wearing big nerd glasses and she drags us inside. "I was just about to come look for you in case you got lost in that little labyrinth of a concert hall. How are you doing?" She asks and closes the door behind me.

We exchange a couple nice words and then I spot the band sitting in the back of the room. Two of them are sitting in front of big mirrors, getting their make-up and the other two guys are hanging on a couch and having some snacks.

They all get up to greet us personally and I wonder how Brittany managed to make that possible. Shelby gave her the assignment to talk to the band but I'm pretty sure Brittany alone is responsible for all this actually happening.

Turns out the guys of The Compasses are super nice and it's not even what you'd call an interview. Brittany talks to them like they are some old friends she just met and they laugh at the charming things she says all the time.

What. A. Flirt...

This time I not only hold the microphone but I also get included in the whole thing and it's fun talking to a band who's gonna play in front of thousands of screaming teen girls later on.

Time flies and after thirty minutes of chatting with the band, Brittany is allowed to take some "behind the scenes" pictures to show how they prepare themselves for a concert. At one point she even presses the microphone back into my hands and tells me to get into the picture with them, pretending I'm interviewing the band.

That picture cannot appear in the next issue of the Sylvester magazine – I'm not even wearing make-up today.

It's late afternoon when Brittany and I arrive at the parking lots and get out of her car. She was right; the newest album of The Compasses is pretty good. I'll buy it.

"Make sure you really send the file this time…" I say smugly when we step onto the second floor and our ways separate. She clicks her tongue and nods with a little smirk.

"Will do. Have a nice weekend, Santana."

"You, too"

And that's how we say goodbye.

The next day...

The guy with the Mohawk has been checking me out ever since I stepped foot into this bar. Quinn, Kurt and I are sitting at the counter and sipping our first Martini. It didn't take that much effort to convince me to go out with them. Quinn was right; there's nobody waiting at home anyways so…

But the guy with the Mohawk is so irritating. Can't he just look somewhere else? He's totally undressing me with his eyes and from this angle I can't see who he's talking to but I'm sure it's his clueless girlfriend. He's sitting in a booth and keeps throwing glances at me and I sigh annoyed when he wiggles his eyebrows.

"This is not as much fun as you promised." I grumble and Quinn and Kurt exchange a glance.

"Well… did you wanna go somewhere we can dance? We could go to the new club again." Kurt suggests but I shake my head.

"Nah… don't feel like dancing. But I could have stayed home and watch Private Practice all night now that Gabe's not occupying the TV."

Quinn bumps my shoulder and points to one of the pool tables in the back of the room.

"We could play pool?" She suggests and I think about it. It's been ages that I last played pool. It's the white ball that you're not supposed to score.

"I don't know all the rules" I mumble and take another sip. Quinn sighs.

"Is something wrong, Santana? You've been kind of different in the past couple days."

I turn to look at her and frown.

"What do you mean different? I'm the same as usual."

"Not really…" She says carefully and scoots a little closer. It seems like she's about to whisper something so I lean in. "Are you pregnant?"

My eyes widen in shock and I look back and forth between her and Kurt.

"What?" I gasp and my mouth is hanging open. "Why would you… why would you think that?" I exhale incredulously and can't believe they just asked me this.

"Are you?" Kurt emphasizes and studies me with a scrutinizing glance.

"No!" I hiss and raise my hands. "Seriously why would you think I'm pregnant? Have I been throwing up at work lately? Eaten pickles with chocolate mousse or something?"

Quinn shakes her head and I can tell she's regretting the question.

"No sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. You just seemed a little tense and moody somehow. I thought that maybe… I mean you and Gabe…"

"I can assure you I'm not pregnant and reallynot planning on changing that fact anytime soon, ok? God…"

"Ok! Guess I assumed wrong then." Quinn mumbles resigned and empties her glass.

I sigh and slowly shake my head.

Maybe I snapped a little there. But it's absurd that Quinn just asked me if I'm pregnant. You don't just ask someone that. Also have Quinn and I once talked about this and I made pretty clear that I don't want to have kids before thirty. IfI ever want them.

"You know what Santana… I think you need another drink to loosen up a little. Waiter, three more!" Kurt babbles and I must say it pisses me off a little. Loosen up?

"Actually guys… I'm sorry but I'm not really in the mood to stay. I'll finish this drink and then I'm out of here." I counter and take another sip.

All I want right now is to go home, grab a sundae on the way and then cuddle with a blanket in front of the TV.

Same evening, same bar… Brittany…

When Puck showed up at her door Brittany was glad. Somehow he always knows when she needs company and then he's there.

He took her to their favorite bar and now they've been sitting in this booth and doing what they always do when they go out for a drink; they talk about stuff, have a drink… and check out the ladies.

She can tell that Puck has already laid his eye on some girl who's probably standing at the bar with her girlfriends and throwing shy glances back at him. The way he keeps ogling over her shoulder - she must be hot.

Normally she would follow his glance and check out his potential new hook-up partner but tonight she doesn't really feel like it. Truth is; it's been a while since she was last interested in somebody and would start a conversation with them.

Actually it's been months that she has asked a girl for her number. Also months since she last hooked up. Which is a frustrating record. It's been months since she last kissed someone- no, wait. Wasn't there something? Oh right… she kissed Santana.

Goddamn! She wants to strangle herself every time she remembers those ten seconds where she completely made a fool out of herself. And being honest, she thinks about it often. Actually she can't keep her mind of it.

What was she thinking? Nothing obviously! She wasn't thinking anything at that moment! Santana must believe she's some sort of crazy, mad, weird woman who's been endlessly desperate ever since her girlfriend died.

It's been a week since the 'kissing-incident' and they have actually managed to sort of start over. She has stopped snapping at the Latina and they have had normal conversations. They even went for another job together yesterday and they got along really well.

Except that she was left completely breathless when Santana practically jumped into her arms to not get flattened by that door. It left her speechless to have the brunette that close, even if it was just for one second. But it reminded her of the night a week ago where she COMPLETELY LOST HER MIND to put it mildly.

"Britt?" Puck waves a hand in front of her face and she realizes that she has completely zoned out.

"Sorry… what were you saying?" She asks and Puck knits his eyebrows together.

"Dude, I wasn't saying anything. I told you to turn your cute blonde head and tell me what you think of my future hot Latina girlfriend who's standing at the bar." He states sassily and points over Brittany's shoulder.

She sighs and decides to give in. Puck won't stop talking about that wonder woman all night since he already calls her his girlfriend.

So she turns around in her seat and scans the bar for hot Latina women.

Oh…

"And? She totally looks like my future wife, don't you think?" Puck asks with his horny voice and kicks her shin ecstatically.

Brittany quickly turns back. If she didn't know better she'd say her cheeks are getting hot.

Thinking of the devil. What's with the coincidences lately?

"Britt? Have you run out of words because she's that smokin'? But I'll have to disappoint you. This is Mrs. Noah Puckerman… so don't even think about stealing her from me. Are we clear?" He almost sounds desperate and that only happens when he truly fears that a girl might be more interested in Brittany than him.

Brittany throws another peek over her shoulder to make sure she didn't make it up in her mind. But she didn't. There at the bar stand Santana, Quinn and Kurt. Is this really the only bar in L.A. you could go have a drink on a Saturday night?

"Uh…" She mumbles and starts fumbling on her glass. She's not sure what's going to feel weirder to tell him; that his hot future wife is already a wife or that she happens to work with her and that their lips might have touched once.

He would be so jealous, frustrated and turned on at the same time.

"What is it, Brittany? Are you not feeling well? Look a little pale there." Puck says worriedly. She looks up at him and shrugs.

"I'm ok… but I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you." Pucks stares at her confusedly and asks what she means. "She's not gonna be Mrs. Noah Puckerman 'cause she's already a Mrs."

Puck looks like Brittany just told him he's gonna die or something. His eyes jump to the Latina in the background and back to Brittany and back to the Latina.

"What… how do you wanna know? Can you see a wedding ring? That doesn't have to mean anything!" He whines.

Brittany chuckles bitterly and shrugs.

"I know because I work with her, ok?"

"You work together? But that's brilliant! You can totally hook us up! Come on, Britt we can go talk to them right now and then you introduce me to Mrs. Noah Puckerman and then oops – she falls head over heels in love with me and leaves her husband. It's a safe call, my friend. Now come on."

Brittany stares at him in disbelief. How can he be so ridiculously sure of himself?

"Are you serious? She's married! There's no way you stand a chance." And when she says those words, they awkwardly hit home.

They stare at each other for a couple seconds and then Puck lets his hand run over his Mohawk. It looks like he's realizing that Brittany is right. His eyes wander back to the three people at the bar and he shrugs softly.

"Ok… guess you're right. But uh… the little blonde is not so bad, either. She married, too?" He asks hopefully and Brittany knows he's referring to Quinn.

She has no idea.

"I don't know. Don't think she's married. But I don't know about a boyfriend." She states and empties her glass. Puck rubs his hands together and gets up from the booth.

"Time to find out then." He says certain and grabs Brittany's elbow.

Before she can stop him in anyway, she finds herself pressed into Puck's side because his strong arm is placed around her shoulders. No chance to get out of that clasp.

And so they make their way over to the bar and Brittany prepares herself for another rather embarrassing encounter with the Latina.

She meets Quinn's glance first and smiles when the blonde's eyes widen.

"Brittany! What a surprise! Did you just get here?" Brittany shakes her head when they step in front of the little group. When Quinn calls her name she can see how Santana's head shoots up from the palm of her hand and their eyes meet for a quick second.

"Hey guys! No we've been sitting in the booth back there and we just saw you and thought we'd come say hello." She states uncomfortably because Puck is still holding her in a tight embrace which makes it hard to breathe. She throws a quick glance at him from the side and sees that he's gawking at Quinn, already forgotten about the original Mrs. Noah Puckerman.

"Well hello to you, too! I'm Kurt Hummel." Kurt welcomes them happily and reaches out his hand to Puck. "And who are you, handsome?" He asks and Brittany almost bursts into laughter when she feels Puck stiffen next to her.

They shake hands and Puck grins weirdly.

"I'm Noah but everyone calls me Puck."

"Oooh how manly" Kurt mumbles in awe and earns a poke into the ribs by Quinn.

"Well I'm Quinn and this is Santana, nice to meet you, Puck." Brittany observes how Santana smiles at him quickly and mutters a 'hi' before throwing a short glance at Brittany.

Everybody keeps looking back and forth between Brittany and Puck and she doesn't know what they are waiting for.

"What?" She asks wondering and looks at Puck, too. Quinn is the one to speak up and she sort of motions to Puck's arm around Brittany's shoulders.

"Is he… I mean are you guys a couple?" She asks carefully and that's when Brittany realizes that they probably look very couple-like in this position.

"Oh!" She exhales and pushes Puck off her. "God no!" She laughs nervously because Santana and Kurt are eyeing her. She earns Puck's offended glance and rolls her eyes in return because he knows exactly how she means it.

"I mean… no, we're not a couple. He's handsome but that's not really my… thing." Quinn and Kurt stare at her because it must sound quite weird when somebody says that a handsome guy is not your thing. Actually this is a good opportunity to clear some things. "I'm gay" She adds nonchalantly.

Kurt and Quinn's mouths slowly fall open and she knew that this would be their reaction. It's always the same. Nobody assumes she's gay when they first meet her.

"Seriously?" Quinn asks and narrows her eyes. But then she seems to change her mind about that question. "I mean… great! Sorry, I didn't mean to look shocked."

Brittany chuckles and shrugs it off.

"No problem" The five of them fall into a weird silence and that's when her glance falls back on Santana.

She only gets to see how the brunette looks away quickly and tucks a strand of almost black hair behind her ear.

Kurt is the one to break the silence and points over Puck's shoulder to the pool tables.

"What do you say? Anybody up for a game?"

"Yes!" Quinn blurts out and claps her hands together. "I haven't played in such a long time. What about you, Puck? Think you can handle losing to a girl?" Puck's jaw is hanging down when Quinn lifts her left eyebrow challengingly.

"Sure I can lose to a girl… but it's not gonna happen." He counters.

"I'll have to make sure you're wrong, then. What about you guys? Someone is gonna need to be there and help out Puck." Quinn says towards Santana and Brittany.

"Uh… actually I was about to go home" Santana mumbles and points to her empty glass.

"Pshht! You're coming with us now. And Brittany you, too." Quinn decides and grabs Kurt's and Santana's wrists. "Come on! Don't be such a party pooper!"

"Okay, okay!" Santana exhales and raises her hands in defense. "But I'll have to watch the first game so I can see how it works. I'll order another drink and watch you from here and then I'll come and play. Deal?"

Quinn clicks her tongue and lets go of Santana's hand.

"Fine… but make sure you watch closely." And then she hooks arms with Kurt and Puck and the three of them walk off towards the pool tables.

Brittany doesn't know why she didn't go with them. She didn't exactly say she was staying with Santana. But she also didn't say she would play.

"Don't you wanna play?" Santana asks in a much softer voice when Brittany looks at her.

"Uh… don't really know how it works, either." That's a lie. She's a feakin' ace at playing pool but the Latina doesn't need to know that. "I'll have another drink instead, too. May I?" She asks and points to the empty chair next to Santana.

The brunette nods wordlessly and then calls the bartender.

He steps in front of them three seconds later and when he asks what they're having, they order a another Martini and a beer.

Brittany makes herself comfortable on the stool and while they wait for their drinks, they throw a quick glance at each other.

"So uh… you guys hang out here often?" Brittany asks and hopes that the weird tension will go away once they've started a real conversation. Things weren't that tense when they were working together yesterday. Probably because they were busy with work and not sitting next to each other at a bar.

"Yeah, sort of. It's Kurt's favorite bar and sometimes we come here after work."

"I see… weird because Puck and I used to come here all the time and I never saw you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure Puck would have come and talked to you if he had seen you though." She chuckles and thanks the bartender when he brings them their drinks. She takes a long sip of her beer because she sort of feels like calming her nerves.

"Six dollars each" The bartender says with a polite smile and Brittany has it ready when Santana grabs her purse.

"It's on me" She states and hands the bartender the money.

"What? No, you don't have to invite me." Santana says quickly and wants to give Brittany the money for her drink. But Brittany only pushes her hand with the cash away and smirks.

"I won't be poor after one drink"

Santana exhales a quick laugh and thanks her by clinking her glass against Brittany's beer bottle.

"So what were you saying about Puck come and talk to me?" She continues and causes Brittany to grin.

"Oh well… when we were sitting in the back, he was convinced that he would leave this bar with you as his future girlfriend by the end of the night." She watches how Santana covers her mouth with her hand to not spit out her drink. Once she has swallowed she laughs out loud.

"Are you serious?" She asks and Brittany nods.

"Yeah. I'm probably not supposed to spill this but he thinks you're super hot." Santana laughs again and shakes her head. The words are already leaving Brittany's lips and it's too late to hold them back: "I mean you are"

Shit… that was not meant to be spoken out loud. Really, really not.

When she realizes her slip, she presses her eyelids together for a second but the chances that Santana miraculously didn't hear those last four words are rather small.

"Huh?" Comes over the brunette's lips and Brittany bites her tongue.

"I- I… what I meant to say was that it's obvious why Puck would say that- like… just because- I mean…" It's hopeless.

When she hears a soft and bit insecure laugh, she dares to throw a glance to her left and sees the Latina smirking with a pink shade on her cheeks.

"Phew, what's in the bottle, huh?" She tries to pull a joke but fails miserably when she catches Santana's dark orbs eyeing her from the side.

Wow…

"Guys!"

Brittany startles and her heart racesin her ribcage. Not sure if it's Puck's loud voice or Santana's dark eyes that caused it, she turns around and sees that Puck is standing there at the pool table with his hands in the air.

"I'm losing!" He yells and points to Quinn with his thumb.

"So?" Brittany asks back and tries to control her rapid heartbeat. Is it possible that this was caused by one single glance? One silly, silly glance?

"So you please come help me!"

"Puck! Just… hang on a minute, alright?" Brittany yells slightly annoyed and turns back to look at Santana.

"Such a sissy" She whispers and takes another sip of her beer. Santana imitates her move and once their drinks are empty, she motions towards the pool table where their friends are playing.

"Shall we try our luck?" Santana asks and hops down from her chair.

"Sure" Brittany answers and is glad that they sort of just ignored her little slip about finding Santana super hot. Ugh…

So it takes her maybe ten minutes to help Puck out of his misery and then she hands him back his cue with a grin on her face.

Quinn looks pissed as hell because she was winning and now she's losing.

"Why are you here again?" She asks Brittany annoyed and pushes Santana out of the way to get into a better position for her next move. Brittany steps back from the table in order not to annoy the blonde any worse and exchanges a quick look with Santana. The brunette is suppressing laughter at her friend's behavior and eventually steps closer to Brittany.

"Why do you tell me you don't know how to play and then you play like it's your number one hobby?" She asks incredulous and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

Brittany bites her lip and shrugs.

"Guess I didn't want to make you feel left out." She counters and that makes Santana click her tongue with fake annoyance.

"Thanks a lot. That makes me feel much better." She says and slowly shakes her head.

Brittany points to the second pool table right behind them.

"You really don't know how to play?" Santana follows her glance that lands on the table.

"Well… I sort of know but I haven't played in forever. And I always miss the holes."

Brittany chuckles and grabs two cues from under the table. She hands one Santana and motions to the triangle of billiard balls.

"Let me see" She challenges and watches how Santana raises her eyebrows in amazement and eyes the middle of the table.

"Fine" She mumbles. "But I'm telling you I'm not good at this." She gets into position and when Brittany sees how tightly she holds on to the cue, she can't help but laugh.

The brunette looks up confusedly.

"What? I haven't even started, yet!" She exclaims and Brittany apologizes quickly.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to laugh but… you're gonna break that thing if you keep clutching at it like this."

"Like what?" Santana asks and looks at her hands. "How else am I supposed to hold the stick?"

Brittany can't help but find it utterly adorable how the Latina seems frustrated already and makes a step towards her.

"It's called a 'cue' and I'll show you, yeah?" She grins and leans against the table. "You wanna hold it really loosely so you can aim better. And then you push with your wrist like…" She makes the first move and the colored balls all roll into different directions. "This… got it?"

She straightens her back and waits for the Latina's answer.

"Uhm yeah I think so." She says easily and gets into position just like Brittany did. "So I just hold it like this and-"

"No, wait" Brittany interrupts her because she can't look at how crippled the woman holds that cue. Seriously, can it be this hard? "You're holding it the same way you just did! I said loosely!" The Latina makes an annoyed noise and drops her shoulders.

Brittany puts her own cue away and steps behind Santana.

"Okay, come on… I'll show you better, sorry." She hears a muffled 'whatever' from the woman before her and grabs the cue right behind Santana's hand. "Alright, lean forward. But you know – don't lie down with your whole weight."

"I wasn't gonna lieon the table" Santana protests but does as she's told.

"Good then. Now put your hand down flat against the table and spread your pinky and your thumb to stabilize your hand. And then you place the cue between your pointer and the table. Know what I mean?"

"No?"

Brittany laughs softly and brings herself into the same position right behind Santana. She hesitates for a minute because she realizes that their standing close together now but if she wants to show her, then she sort of doesn't have a choice.

Right…

She cups Santana's hand gently and guides it back onto the table. Maybe she imagines it but Santana's whole arm twitches at the contact.

"Spread your fingers… and now you make a little tunnel with your pointer." Brittany speaks and helps Santana's fingers.

"A tunnel?" Sounds from Santana's lips and Brittany can see that she grins.

"Yeah. And now you guide the cue right there." Luckily her arms are bit longer than the Latina's so she can easily reach around her and put the cue where it needs to be. The fact that she presses into Santana's backside was not intention but it definitely doesn't go unnoticed. "And you're ready to go. Try it." She breathes into Santana's hair and shudders when that scent almost numbs her.

Next thing she knows is how Santana scores a ball.

"Yay!" She exclaims and they both get back up.

"S-see?" Brittany states and laughs when Santana beams all over her face. "Well done…"

They stare at each other and only when Puck cheers loudly from the table right next to them, Santana clears her throat and turns around.

"Who won?" She asks and Puck raises both hands into the air.

"The Puckster did, of course!" He yells and hits his own chest with a fist.

"And who do you have to thank for that?" Quinn mumbles with a glare into Brittany's directions.

"My fabulous and awesome friend, Brittany Pierce." Puck says with a wide grin and high-fives her.

They decide to order a round of shots before calling it a night and when Brittany swallows the burning liquor a couple minutes later, she's pretty sure to make out two dark eyes watching her from the side.

/

She doesn't really remember how they all said goodbye to each other, she only remembers how Santana thanked her again for the drink and smiled before leaving.

She feels silly for the tingling sensation she felt in the pit of her stomach when she showed Santana how to hold the cue…

She buries her face in Puck's jacket when they step outside and he puts his arm around her shoulder. Luckily he doesn't notice and so they just walk on the sidewalk wordlessly.

She takes a deep breath of night air and when it fills her lungs, she feels something else in there. Something that will give her a hard time to fall asleep tonight. Of that she's sure…

Chapter 8 *Stars*

"Santana?"

I really hoped Shelby wouldn't see me walking by her office but of course she does as the door is open. She probably needs coffee or wants me to do some copy work. Don't we have employees for that? She really needs a personal assistant… who isn't me.

I can't pretend I didn't hear her because she was calling my name pretty loud and there is no one else in the hallway. So I slow my steps and turn around to walk back.

Once I'm inside her office, I really wish I had pretended to not have heard Shelby calling my name. Because there's Brittany standing in front of the desk with her hands in the pockets of her blue jeans. She's also wearing white sneakers and a casual shirt and her long wavy hair is up in a bun. How does she manage to look so good in such casual clothes? I know that all the girls from the fashion and beauty departments always wear their most expensive clothes to work and also Quinn is one of those who would never wear blue jeans on a work day. I don't think I've ever seen her wearing anything else than skirts actually…

I also wear nice clothes and wouldn't show up wearing a hoodie or baggy pants. But I think Brittany could wear anything and she'd still look so nice. I really shouldn't think so hard about what Brittany's wearing and if she's looking good because that's not something for me to think about.

But the thing is… I'm kind of having a hard time forgetting. I can't forget about the kiss…

"Hey" Brittany says and a smile graces her lips. I can't say if it's a warm smile or a fake smile or just a friendly smile. Well, I don't think it's fake. But ever since last Saturday I can't seem to read her actions. Not that I ever could.

I have been avoiding her. Although we had fun on Saturday, I immediately feel uncomfortable whenever she's around now.

Because something happened with my body when Brittany showed me how to play pool and how to hold the stick correctly. My insides were doing the weirdest things when she had her arms around me and that is beyond confusing.

It's just a simple 'hey' that comes from her lips but that hey does something to my heart and that's not okay.

"Hi" I reciprocate and slowly step closer.

"Santana, I was just talking to Brittany and let me just say; You two would be great together."

I'm staring at Shelby because that's like… what on earth makes her think the two of us are great together? Does she know something? There is nothing to know. Nothing further has happened. I'm not interested in Brittany!

And why would they talk about this? Has Brittany told anybody about what happened on my couch two weeks ago? That's ridiculous! Nobody has to know about this.

"What's wrong? You look like you're about to have a panic attack." Shelby states and narrows her eyes. I throw a quick glance at Brittany and she, too gives me a questioning glance.

"Hu-what? I'm – I'm fine. But why would you think we would be great together? I mean… I'm married."

Now it's Shelby's turn to stare at what I just said and I still don't get it. Why were they talking about me and Brittany? Brittany's eyes have widened, too and suddenly I feel like I just said something very stupid.

"I know that you're married." Shelby says slowly and I feel my cheeks are getting so hot.

"She meant because of the get-together with The Compasses." Brittany speaks up and I stare at her. How does that thing work again? Where a hole in the floor opens up and you can just jump down so you don't have to be there anymore? I am beyond embarrassed.

"Actually I just wanted to say that Sue was really happy about the end result of the job you did together. It's definitely gonna make it to the October issue and probably take four pages. You can be proud of yourselves."

So Shelby was talking about me and Brittany working together. Of course, idiot! Not about me and Brittany being great together as a couple. Because that would completely make no sense at all if Shelby would think about me and Brittany as a couple. Why oh WHY did I assume she was referring to that? Can't I just shut up and let people speak before I open my mouth and say something truly dumb?

"Oh uhm… thanks. I'm glad." I mumble and stare down to the floor as I am sure that everybody can see the heat in my face.

"Good. Because Sue and I agree that this is certainly a combination to go with in the future. You obviously harmonize well together and that's exactly what we need. Co-workers who don't get on each other's nerves but can actually be productive around one another."

I swallow emptily because what can I say to that? I don't even know what it means. Are we gonna get paired up for more jobs?

"Is that ok?" Shelby asks hesitatingly when she looks back and forth between me and Brittany. Neither of us has said a word.

"Yea-uhm… sure." Brittany mumbles and clears her throat.

"Yeah… me, too" I agree because there's nothing else I could say.

"Wonderful, that's all for now. You two leave me alone and go back to work." Shelby says dryly. Whenever she makes a compliment, she goes back to her annoying version very quickly.

When Brittany and I are almost out the door, Shelby calls us back once more.

"I can count on you girls showing up tonight, am I right?" She asks and makes me sigh inwardly.

There's this annual staff party tonight and I was kind of hoping to skip it. If there's one thing I'm really not keen in, it's hanging out at the Sylvester after work hour and getting hit on by several elder and drunk co-workers who never manage to speak a word to me during work.

"Oh… I'm not sure. I mean it's a week night, I'll have to get up early tomorrow." I try to explain but Shelby exhales a short laugh.

"Everybody will have to get up early, tomorrow. It's a staff party for everyone, meaning you're gonna be there and show that our team is complete. Are we on the same page?"

Jeez… Shelby is such a panic maker.

"We'll be there." Brittany answers for both of us and I kind of want to throw an upset glance at her because she doesn't know for sure that I'll be there, right?

"Brilliant. Now get lost." Shelby dismisses us and that's when I step outside and Brittany closes the door behind us.

We're standing next to each other in the hallway and I scratch my forehead while preparing what I want to say.

"You know, I'm really not sure if I'll make it tonight so I'd appreciate it if you didn't answer for me." I say bit sharply and throw a glance at Brittany but I don't reach her eyes.

"You heard what she said. It's not like we have a choice." She counters and I cross my arms in front of my chest.

"I guess but…"

"Are we okay?" That question catches me off guard. "Because it feels like you're mad at me or something." She says with a calm voice.

"Why would I be mad at you? We agreed to start over and that's what we did right?"

"Well, yeah and I thought it was working but you've been avoiding me. That's gonna make it a little tricky to work together in the future."

I knit my eyebrows together and tilt my head to the side.

"I'm not avoiding you." Lie… "I just haven't seen you these past couple days."

"Oh really? So you didn't see me in the ladies room yesterday morning when there was no one else but us in there and you just left without saying 'hi' or anything?"

Maybe that's true… I was washing my hands when Brittany stepped into the room and our glances met in the mirror. She said hello and I just mumbled something and left the room. Which I guess looked kind of weird.

"I thought we were getting along. I mean we got along during the job last week, right?" She asks and seems bit insecure.

"Yeah. I didn't claim anything else."

"But then why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you, Brittany." I suddenly sound impatient and I guess I am. It's just that I'm having this weird feeling inside my stomach whenever she pierces her eyes into mine, like right now. Kind of making it hard to breathe…

"Is this still about the kiss?"

Damn. Words… Words!

"The kiss?" I ask dumbly.

"Yes. The kiss. I'd understand if you're not comfortable around me anymore but I guess I'd appreciate it if you told me so and not pretend like we're getting along. That's obviously what you're doing."

"I'm not pretending! Why are you accusing me of this?"

"Isn't that what it is then?"

"What?"

"That you're just pretending to be fine with me around."

I fall silent because I don't know what to say anymore. I'm not pretending…

"I…" I begin but it's so hard to find those words. Brittany still looks at me closely, obviously expecting an answer. "I just… I guess I'm a little confused."

Her facials immediately turn softer when I say those words.

"Ok… you mean about us?" She asks and looks puzzled when I exhale a nervous laughter.

"But there is no us." I say with a voice I don't recognize of myself. "You see… I'm having these thoughts that I'm not supposed to have. And it freaks me out."

"What thoughts?" Brittany asks and then a guy comes walking around a corner.

"Ladies…" He greets and is gone ten seconds later. During those ten seconds that it took him to cross the hallway and disappear in one of the offices, Brittany and I wordlessly held eye contact. Or she looked right through me, I don't know.

"What thoughts?" She repeats the question and I slowly shake my head.

"It… it doesn't matter, ok? I'm sorry I avoided you. It was just…"

Brittany doesn't look satisfied at all with what I'm stammering but she lets me go when I helplessly shrug my shoulders, not capable to finish that sentence and turn around to walk away. I try to swallow down the lump in my throat but it only hurts worse.

My steps are fast when I walk further away. Can't I just be okay with it?

It was a silly kiss… a reflex because she was sad. But then why can't I stop replaying those seconds in my head? I was able to not think about it when Brittany and I worked together. I didn't even think about it when we were sitting at the bar and chatted about Puck having a crush on me.

But now I can't stop… I feel so shabby. I should think about my husband but I'm thinking about Brittany and how sweet her lips felt against mine. And whenever she looks at me like she just did in Shelby's office, I wonder if they still feel the same.

And I seriously cannot put those thoughts into words. I couldn't explain it when Brittany asked what thoughts I was talking about because they're not really thoughts… They're feel-

NO! If I think the word 'feelings' then that means that something's wrong. And now I just didthink the word.

This is so not okay. So not gonna be okay.

Same day…Brittany…

"Are there gonna be many hot women there? You know that's pretty much the only reason I'm being your date. Office parties usually suck…" Puck goes macho when they approach the main entrance of the Sylvester building.

But Brittany knows exactly that he would have accompanied her, either way.

"First of all – you're not my date. You're my good friend so don't even think about telling anyone that I'm your girlfriend."

"Of course not, I'm not gonna blow my chances with the Sylvester ladies tonight."

"And second; how do you want to know that office parties suck? You're a bartender."

Puck huffs and gives Brittany a funny glance.

"Britt… I have been to more office parties than you and always ended up with a hot secretary falling asleep next to me after one earth shattering orgasm. So…" Brittany laughs.

"Maybe you've been to more parties than me but that's only because the party is just about to begin whenever a hot secretary lies down in my bed. Because they definitely don't leave with just one earth shattering orgasm… maybe I should explain you once how it's really done?"

Puck shows the hurt by pressing a hand to his chest.

"Getting a little ahead of yourself there?" He asks when he holds the door open for Brittany to get inside the building. "When was the last time you played those magical skills and got laid?"

Brittany hits his shoulder at the direct question. That's how Puck talks and usually she doesn't have a problem talking about the ladies. But there have been no ladies in months. And Puck knows it.

"Shut up…" She mumbles and looks around in the entrance hall of the Sylvester. There are chains of lights everywhere, many bar tables, a buffet, a small stage with some band playing in the background and maybe two hundred people who apparently all work for the Sylvester magazine. There are so many who Brittany has never seen before and she's really glad Puck agreed to join her.

"So what do we do now? Grab something to eat? Dance? Looks like there's a little dance floor in the back." Puck comments and points to maybe three men and women moving uncomfortably to the music.

"No thanks…" Brittany replies and hooks arms with Puck to pull him closer to the buffet.

When they're standing in line to load one big plate for both with fruit, chips and different kinds of snacks, Puck lets his glance wander through the crowd.

"I wonder if Rachel's already here. Weren't we supposed to meet her outside?" He asks and Brittany remembers that he's right. The three of them haven't hung out all together ever since Brittany started working for Sue Sylvester. There was a time where they used to hang out almost every single day.

They would grab something for dinner, hang in front of either Puck's, Rachel's or Brittany's TV to watch some stupid show and then before midnight they would head to the hottest clubs and party till they couldn't walk straight.

It was the time where Brittany needed her friends more than she had ever done before, right after Diane's death. They didn't question her special kind of grieving and were simply glad that Brittany didn't spend all day in bed, crying her eyes out.

They were there when Brittany felt like talking (not that it happened often) and they were there when she felt like dancing and going out to pick up beautiful women. That was mostly Puck's job though. But they didn't question her when she picked up girl after girl for meaningless but passionate hours in a strange bed and they didn't question her when she never called back any of the ladies.

Tonight they decided to meet up and have some fun together.

"Oh right... She'll find us sooner or later. She's probably with Quinn."

Puck's eyes widen when she mentions the blonde and he grins widely.

"I almost forgot about blondie! I'm sure she can't wait to see me again, right?" He asks and keeps looking out for the two women while they make their way to one of the bar tables.

"Totally…" Brittany says absentminded when she bites into a piece of watermelon. She wonders why Shelby was so eager for the whole celebrity department team to show up tonight. It's not like Sue Sylvester is standing next to the entrance, keeping a list to write down all the names of the co workers who don't show up.

Will Santana show up? She really seemed upset today…If there's one thing that Brittany doesn't want, then it's for the Latina to feel uncomfortable. For Christ's sake she knows that the kiss was inappropriate but she thought that they could just pretend it didn't happen.

As if that's possible… The memory of it keeps coming back to her at the weirdest moments. Like this morning there was a song by Carlos Santana playing on the radio and Brittany instantly got reminded of their lips locking.

Or yesterday when she was shopping for groceries, she was standing in line at the checkout and a Hispanic woman in front of her was talking in Spanish on the phone. She has never even heard Santana speak Spanish but it reminded her of how close they were sitting on Santana's couch and how dark her eyes were.

Her heart skips a beat when she spots Quinn making her way through the crowd just a few meters away and two seconds later Santana appears right behind her. Santana can't make her heart beat faster. Because that would be soooo messy.

"Whatcha lookin' at, babe?" Puck snaps her back from deep thought by leaning his face right in front of hers. "Eying some hot chick?" He asks and tries to follow her glance.

"Oh hey there's Quinn! And Santana!" He hits Brittany's shoulder and points to the two women who are dressed so nicely. They're both wearing some chic summer dress and heels and well… Brittany has always liked girly outfits on beautiful girls. Tonight she chose pants and a white blouse for herself because Puck said that she actually looks smokin' in those.

"Oh, you're right. Didn't see them" She lies and is too late to stop Puck from shouting Quinn's name and waving at them so they definitely can't miss them.

"Look who's here" Quinn greets Puck when they approach the bar table. She grins and leans in for a kiss on the cheek. Brittany is bit surprised when Quinn says hello to her the same way and clears her throat once the shorter blonde steps back and puts an arm around Santana.

"I'm sure you also remember Santana?" Quinn teases Puck and Brittany bets that the Latina told her friend about Puck initially wanting to hit on Santana at the bar.

Puck eyes the brunette and nods with a smirk.

"Of course… how's it going?" He asks the brunette but Santana's eyes lock with Brittany's.

"Hi" She says with a soft voice and Brittany watches how she bites her bottom lip.

"Hi…" They smile at each other and Brittany feels bad for accusing her this morning. If Santana's avoiding her, then she has to accept it. It's probably for the best anyway.

She doesn't know for how long they are looking at each other but when Quinn mumbles something like: 'Uh… oookay' she pulls her glance away from Santana.

"So what do we do now? Night is young…" Puck asks and wiggles his eyebrows. He earns a slightly disgusted glance from Quinn and Brittany pats his shoulder.

"Shouldn't you know better? After all those office parties you have been to?" She counters and Puck mumbles something to defend himself.

They get interrupted when out of nowhere, Rachel jumps into the middle and falls around Puck's and Brittany's necks.

"Oh my God! My besties are both here! How are you guys? I haven't seen you in so long!" She presses a kiss to both their cheeks and smiles happily.

"Actually Rach, we had lunch together today. Remember?" Brittany reminds her and the short brunette shrugs it off playfully.

"I know, I know… but I mean all three of us together." And then she turns around and greets Santana and Quinn, too.

Brittany realizes that the five of them are all somehow friends in different combinations but they have never hung out at the same time and it's sort of weird. Because once Rachel has stopped babbling, no one else seems to know what to say anymore.

"You know what? Santana and I haven't even had a drink, yet. Shall we go get something?" Quinn asks the Latina who bobs her head. "Great. I guess we'll see you guys later!" She singsongs and the two walk off towards the buffet.

"That was a little awkward…" Rachel comments but quickly forgets about it when she places herself between Brittany and Puck. "But now the three of us are gonna have some fun! Somebody needs to shake up that dance floor, right?"

Brittany wouldn't stand a chance if she tried to object. Whenever the three of them are together and there is a dance floor near – they make it theirs.

She's not sure how much time has passed but probably about two hours.

The party seemed pretty lame in the beginning but it's now at its top. Many more of the initial shy co-workers have joined them on the dance floor and Brittany feels really happy, surrounded by her two best friends, some good live music and the bubbly champagne making the mood even funnier.

But Puck just brought them their third glass and somehow Brittany isn't used to drinking more than one beer anymore.

"I love you guys so much!" Rachel yells when she gets sandwiched between Brittany and Puck and she can't stop a giggle fit. Rachel definitely shouldn't drink so much champagne, either. "But look who's having just as much fun!"

She points to a group of people near them and Brittany recognizes Santana dancing with Mike Chang and Quinn hanging around Kurt's shoulders. She can tell that the two women must have had quite a few glasses themselves as they are laughing friskily and clinching to the male bodies supporting them.

Brittany knows how good Chang is with his moves – she's danced with him, too before. So she knows it's pretty easy to forget about everything else surrounding them and just letting him guide her body.

But do they have to dance so close? Like… hello body contact! He grabs her wrists and puts them around his neck and Santana throws her head back when she laughs at a joke he must have just told her.

She's married – her husband would so not like that picture.

Just when Brittany decides that this is not any of her business and wants to turn around, Santana's eyes catch hers over Mike's shoulders. Maybe it's the alcohol in her blood or the loud music fogging her senses but Brittany could swear that Santana is throwing her a look that says more than just 'hey' or 'having fun?'.

She has no idea what it says though… she just gazes.

"Guys… I need some fresh air. This champagne is not my thing. I'll be right back, ok?" She yells into Rachel's ear and the brunette looks worried.

"Are you not feeling well? I'll come with you!"

"No, no. You guys stay and dance some more. I know you're having fun and I'm gonna be fine." Brittany assures her friend because she knows how much Rachel and Puck actually love to dance with each other. It's not just the booze that makes her want to get some air but she also wants to give them some time alone.

She's not sure, yet but for a while she has been given the impression that Puck and Rachel might like each other more than just friends. Which is bit confusing because Puck also seemed interested in Quinn. But is there a beautiful woman in the world that Puck wouldn't be interested in?

So Brittany gives them a warm smile and winks at Puck before she leaves the dance floor.

She grabs a glass of water when she passes the buffet and quickly makes her way outside to the big terrace. She didn't even realize she was sweating but now that the night air hits her face, she can feel the damp hair on her neck.

There are some people she doesn't know standing outside, smoking and laughing and so she keeps walking until she gets around a corner. She knows that one has the best view from that floor and that you get to see a nice part of the city. She has never seen it by night from up here though…

She steps to the banister and leans against it. The cold water feels awesome in her mouth and throat – that champagne was ugly! She lets her free hand run through her damp hair and looks up into the night sky. A breeze tickles her cheeks and arms and she closes her eyes for a moment.

The music is only a muffled noise out here and once in a while she can hear shrill laughter from the party people. Her eyes are still closed when she hears two voices coming closer and once they are only a few steps away, Brittany looks up and blinks several times.

Quinn and Santana are holding hands, probably to make sure they both walk straight and they are chuckling about something.

"Oh Brittany! We keep walking into each other all the time, don't we? This is fun…" A clearly tipsy Quinn mutters with a wide grin on her face. "Are we disturbing you? We can totally go somewhere else but we needed a breath of fresh air if you know what I mean…"

"No, of course not. That champagne goes right to your brain, huh?" Brittany answers and earns another giggle but this time of Santana.

"Oh shiiiit!" Quinn exclaims and points back into the direction they just came from. "I totally promised Mike a dance once you were done with him." She says to Santana and nudges her shoulder. "Actually he promised mea dance once he's done with you but whatever… he looks sooo good when he moves like that. So I'll go get my dance now. 'scuse me ladies."

She gives them her golden smile and then makes her way back, careful not to stumble along the way.

When she' gone around a corner, Brittany realizes that she and Santana are alone.

"Wow… Quinn's quite a bit drunk there, huh?" Brittany tries to start a conversation and throws a glance at Santana who's supporting herself against the banister. She exhales a short laughter and nods.

"Yeah, she's not usually the one to drink a lot. As soon as she's had more than a glass of that bubbly stuff, she turns into this funny drunk in no time."

Brittany chuckles and nods.

"Pretty much like Rachel. Can't leave the woman alone with the smallest amount of alcohol in her blood. I'm glad Puck's here, too tonight. I really needed some fresh air."

They look into each other's eyes and then Santana rubs her forehead.

"Yeah, me, too. I get a headache if I stay in a crowd for too long."

Brittany thinks for a second but then hands her the cup which is still half full.

"Want some water? I immediately felt better." Santana stares at the cup and then slowly reaches for it. Of course their fingers touch but Brittany decides to just ignore it.

"Thanks" Santana mumbles and guides the cup to her lips to take a couple sips. "But the air is also so sticky in there…" She adds and wants to give back the water but Brittany shakes her head and says she can keep it.

"Yeah, I guess because the entrance hall of the Sylvester building is not meant for parties like that." She comments and then looks back up into the sky.

They're standing next to each other and Brittany can feel Santana's arm brushing against hers when she puts a strand of hair behind her ear. They fall into silence and Brittany listens closely. She can hear the Latina's breath and how she swallows another sip of water.

"It's really nice out here…" Santana says peacefully and Brittany nods.

"Yeah, I love it actually. I used to have such a great view from the place I lived before I moved into my apartment. I could sit by the window for hours and just observe the night life." She states and smiles.

She senses how Santana turns her head and throws a quick glance to her side. She can tell that the Latina wants to ask her something and so she waits.

"Did you… did you and your girlfriend live together?" She questions eventually and Brittany narrows her eyes. This comes sort of surprising but doesn't make her feel tense or anything. It usually does whenever somebody asks about Diane. Which hasn't happened in quite a long while if she thinks about it.

"Oh no… no we didn't live together. I actually meant my parents' home. We had a real big house and it was up in the hills." She chuckles when some random memories of her childhood rush through her mind. Then she feels like specifying her answer to Santana's question and so she takes a deep breath.

"We uhm… we got to know each other in college and there was a point where we thought about moving in together once we'd graduate. But then I got my own flat because I was done with my studies before her and… and when she got sick, she moved back in with her mother and her sister." She stops talking because she doesn't even know if Santana wants to hear about this. Why does she tell her anyway? She's only known Santana for a couple weeks and she has already told her more about her life with Diane than anybody else who didn't know her.

"Was she… was she sick for a long time?" Santana asks carefully and Brittany doesn't know what's happening to her. It doesn't hurt to remember Diane being sick. It still makes her feel sad… but it's a sad she can handle. A sad she can talk about – out of nowhere.

"No actually… after her diagnosis it was just a few more months. It was a shock, of course. And it ended fast. She didn't have to suffer for years…" She clears her throat because this topic is so off. But it also feels good to tell Santana. And only God knows why.

"How long were you together?"

"Two years. I was twenty and she was nineteen when we got know each other. I was already out and proud then and so was Diane. So it was really easy to get into a relationship and things went smooth. Her family loved me and it looked like we were gonna stay together for a long time. But not everything turned out to be as simple as we had hoped in the beginning. She got jealous easily and we fought a lot after the first year together… we still somehow managed and stayed together. Then we found out she was sick and I guess that's where things started to fall apart."

She stares down and watches the red lights of some cars driving by far away. From the corner of her eye she can see Santana fumbling on the cup in her hands.

"Was she uhm… I mean were you…" She hesitates and Brittany turns her head to look at her. Santana only throws a shy glance.

"You can ask." She assures the brunette and smiles softly. Santana reciprocates and parts her lips.

"Was she the love of your life?" She bites her lip as if regrets the question. Brittany takes a moment to think. And then she decides to try the truth.

"I loved her… I loved her very much. I still do. But there were times where we fought and sometimes I wondered if there could be something out there. Something bigger you know? Something where nobody needs to be jealous because you're so sure of the love you have for each other and you just know that you don't have to be afraid that you ever might get cheated on. Even though Diane and I were a great match – I still couldn't help but wonder if there was something or someone who might make me feel different. Freer maybe… does that sound bad? I probably sound like a bad girlfriend." She chuckles bitterly because this really doesn't sound so nice.

She watches how Santana shrugs at first and then slowly shakes her head.

"No… you don't sound like bad girlfriend. You sound honest, I guess."

"I don't know."

They stay quiet for a couple minutes, both lost in thoughts. The air is fresh but it doesn't make her shudder. The stars are sparkling up there and Brittany wonders when it was the last time she felt so calm.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Santana speaks up after a while and chuckles softly. Brittany grins and turns to the brunette.

"Yes" She answers simply because it looks like Santana has been nagging on something that makes her feel uneasy. Brittany watches how she takes a breath before convincing herself that she can say what she's about to say.

"I sometimes wonder the same."

Brittany blinks a couple times because at first she doesn't know what Santana means. "I love my husband… but I got married when I was twenty-one. It was my first serious relationship. I mean who does that, right?" She laughs nervously and shakes her head. Brittany actually thinks she looks really bitter and sad.

"God… if you think you sound like a bad girlfriend then I sound like the worst wife on the planet." She breathes and keeps shaking her head. "My husband gives me everything I could ask for. I'm surrounded by stability and still I don't feel truly safe. I always thought I felt safe and I guess I do in general… but that other kind of safety is missing. That probably doesn't make sense at all."

Brittany ponders about Santana's words and comes to terms that it does make sense.

"Just because you get married doesn't mean you're reaching home…" Her own words surprise her a bit because – what does she know? She doesn't know what it's like to be married.

She can feel Santana's stare on the side of her face and suddenly she thinks that this whole thing is sort of comic. So she chuckles and shakes her head repeatedly.

"What?" Santana asks bewildered but cracks a smile, too. "What is so funny?"

"It's just…" Brittany exhales a real laughter and covers her mouth. "It's just that this is so weird. I mean you hit me with your car in the pouring rain and now we're standing here side by side and I'm telling you about my girlfriend who died and you tell me about your marriage that is not so super-duper. Don't you think that's kind of funny?" She can't help but laugh again and it only takes a couple seconds until the brunette's upper body is shaking with laughter, too.

Brittany tries to relax but she only snorts and trembles harder.

"Oh my God" The Latina nudges Brittany's shoulder to make them stop but it takes another couple minutes until they manage to take deep breaths and calm down.

"I'm sorry… but it just sounded so silly in my head." Brittany apologizes and shakes her head. When Santana doesn't reply anything, Brittany turns her body so she can look at her.

Apparently Santana has been watching her, too and her eyes sparkle in the moonlight and the dim shimmer of some lonely chain of lights above their heads.

"Wow… I've never seen you laugh like this." Santana states when their eyes truly lock for the first time they've been standing out here. "It's beautiful." She adds and it makes Brittany's heart flutter. It actually feels like she's standing in an elevator going down. That weird feeling that makes you want to throw up for a second because it feels like your stomach actually drops. Except that it doesn't make Brittany want to throw up right now and it's not her stomach that makes weird flips and jumps and somersaults.

She realizes that she's been getting lost in Santana's eyes for many long seconds and that she probably should say something or do something before this gets weird. So she parts her lips and wants to say the following words: 'Do you want to head back inside?'

But what comes out is – nothing. Instead she keeps staring into those dark orbs that must be truly the warmest brown she's ever seen.

She watches how her own hand makes its way from the handrail up between their bodies until her thumb is touching Santana's chin. She doesn't know why her chin… or why she's touching her. But the skin there is so soft and her mouth is really cute.

Santana's lips part and Brittany can hear and see that she's breathing heavier than a couple minutes ago. She's not panting… but she can feel the hot breath hitting the back of her hand.

Last time they didn't look into each other's eyes when it happened because there wasn't time to do so. It happened out of nowhere. But now Brittany allows herself to look there where Santana's eyes are and they are promptly staring back at her, open and wide. And somewhat scared.

She doesn't want her to be scared. She wants her to feel good.

And so for the second time within two weeks Brittany leans in and closes her eyes right at the moment where her lips connect with Santana's.

It doesn't compare to anything she could think of. Her heart is beating in her throat and her fingers that are still connected to the Latina's chin are trembling. Her digits are freaking trembling and it only gets worse when Santana exhales a breath between their attached mouths.

There is no time to think if this is really happening because other than last time, Brittany feels the other woman kissing back. After the initial shock of tasting Santana's hot lips for the second time, she starts to slowly move against them.

They are so full and delicate; she has neverkissed lips like these before. She dares to let her fingers wander to the brunette's jaw so she can gently pull her closer into that kiss.

She's scared that Santana will pull away once she touches her there but it results the opposite; she feels a hand on her hip. It's as light as a feather but it makes Brittany moan softly. She can't hold it back. A hand on her hip makes her moan.

She has to part her lips to not choke on that moan and two seconds later she feels something wet stroking her bottom lip. To make sure she didn't imagine it, she pokes out her own tongue and looks for the source of what made her breath hitch.

Utterly careful the tips of their tongues collide between Brittany's lips and it makes the hand on her hips grip harder.

She takes it as a good sign and dares to put more into the kiss that is blowing her mind. She can't think straight but she also doesn't need to. Those lips are everything she needs right now.

Another shaky breath escapes Santana's lips when Brittany grabs her face with both hands and pulls her even closer. Their upper bodies collide and Santana's hand holds on so tight to Brittany's side. Warmth shoots through every single limb of Brittany's body and she prays that her legs will not give up on her.

Their lips are moving so easily and naturally against each other, it's like this is the kiss she's been waiting for. The one that makes her think this thing called magic exists… It fucking exists and it's standing right in front of her, breathing heavily and holding on to Brittany's hips for dear life.

With another stroke of their tongues and a wet kiss on the lips they break apart. Otherwise Brittany would have collapsed as she has stopped breathing the air down to her lunges.

Their foreheads are resting together and Brittany keeps her eyes closed while Santana's breath hits her upper lip rhythmically. With one single kiss to the Latina's jaw, she slowly pulls back and opens her eyes.

The first thing she sees are Santana's puffy and reddened lips right in front of her. Her eyes wander up to get locked with brown ones and she fears that she will meet pure shock or panic or something as crushing as this.

But what she gets to see is warmth and desire and Brittany doesn't ever want to look away from these eyes.

She swears she'll do anything… to make Santana feel safe.