DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM TWILIGHT. THEY ALL BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
EPOV
I still hadn't been able to get more than five minutes to myself since I'd come out of hospital. And that was three weeks ago. Seriously, having constant company could really get your down. The worst thing was that it wasn't because they wanted to be with me, it was because they felt they had to be there with me. They don't seem to care what I want. That all I want is to be left alone.
As soon as we'd got home from the hospital, Carlisle had sat me down, along with the rest of the family. He had obviously wanted to speak to me on my own about what had happened but I could see that there was no way Esme and my siblings were going to be left out of the loop. They all wanted to know what was going on with me. And how long it had been going on.
"What's going on Edward?" Carlisle had said calmly, sitting on the coffee table that was in front of the sofa I was sat on. He had looked straight into my eyes, communicating through them that I was going nowhere until he had the answers he wanted. I had looked away from him, playing with a thread that had come loose on the bandage on my left arm. Not daring to look at my family, even though I could feel all of their stares boring into me like daggers. "Edward? We need to know. Why are you doing this to yourself son?" He had asked in that soft voice, saying that he wasn't angry with me, just disappointed.
I shrugged, not knowing what to say. I had spent so many years concealing everything from them, I wasn't going to start spilling every secret I had because they now knew my biggest ones.
"Edward, please?" My sister, Alice had begged. "Tell us what's wrong. Maybe we can help you." She spoke in the same soft tones that Carlisle has used a moment ago. Expressing pain and worry. This annoyed me. The anger of my family I could handle, I could deal with. What I didn't want was pity. I wasn't deserving of pity or sympathy. Some part of me wanted them to be angry at what I had done. That I had deliberately tried to take my own life. That I had tried to end it. But I knew that I wasn't going to get what I wanted any time soon.
In answer to that, I had just whispered. "No one can help me."
I still didn't look at them. Any of them. I knew they wanted to help me, to do whatever they could to at least try. But they seemed to take my words to heart. I heard a sigh of exasperation come from across the room and I looked up to see my older brother Emmett, storming out of the room, quickly followed by Esme.
"We can if you let us in." My sister Rosalie said, coming to sit next to me on the sofa. She had put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed in what was supposed to be a reassuring way. I had shrugged it off violently. I hated being touched, hugged or any form of physical contact. I could feel the hurt coming off of her as she took her arm away. I hated being so cruel to my family, the ones who had taken me in when I had nowhere else to go. They probably felt that they were to blame. But they weren't and I knew by now that no matter what I said they were always going to blame themselves.
Sitting there in silence with them all watching me, we had then heard something smash in the room that Emmett and Esme had gone into. "BUT HE'S KILLING HIMSELF!" I had heard Emmett shout. This whole thing had affected him more than I thought it would. I then heard Esme trying to comfort him, but it seemed he was having none of it, because then he stormed back into the room and stood directly in front of me, blocking Carlisle from looking at me. I still didn't look up and carried on playing with the thread I had been toying with.
"You know that don't you?!" he had practically shouted at me. "You know you're killing yourself, don't you Edward?!" I shrugged again, but this only seemed to aggravate him more. "Don't you care?! Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?! What you're doing to the family?!" I had stopped playing with the thread but continued to stare in that general direction, not wanting to meet the gaze of my furious brother. "GOD DAMN YOU EDWARD?!" he had shouted before storming off. This time it was Rosalie who followed him.
I had then looked at Carlisle, my face blank. "Can I go now?" I had asked and he sighed with exasperation, knowing that he wasn't going to get anywhere today. He had nodded slightly and I'd gone to my room, having to pass Emmett's on the way there. As I passed I heard through the door that he was crying. I had never heard Emmett cry before, and it wasn't something I cared to hear again. I hated that my actions were causing my family this much pain.
I had gone to my room and flopped down on my bed. Only minutes later Esme had come in, standing in the doorway, she asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink. I'd scoffed and shook my head and she'd left. Not closing my bedroom door completely. Great! I'd thought. Now I can't even sit in my room on my own.
Now, three weeks later we were all packed and ready to move. We'd be leaving first thing in the morning. Driving from Chicago to Forks. I had no idea how long it would take and I wasn't relishing the drive with whoever it was I had to travel with. Being such a large family we had more than one car. We had six to be exact. Carlisle had his Mercedes, as did Esme, Emmett had his Jeep, Rosalie had her M3, I had a Volvo, Alice had her Porsche and Jasper had his motorcycle. Jasper would be driving my Volvo, as I couldn't be trusted not to run myself off the road. His motorcycle would be transported in the back of Emmett's Jeep.
It felt strange not to have all of my things around me. They were my source of familiarity. Thankfully I had been allowed to pack up my own things and no one had discovered my stash of razors and pills that I'd had under my bed. I'd put them in one of the last boxes to be put on the truck that would meet us in Forks later on the next day.
I sat on the floor of me bedroom, running my hands across the carpet. It would need to be replaced. Even though Esme had tried her hardest the blood stain that was there couldn't be erased. It served as a reminder of my failure. I still had to have the door open when I was in my room, even though there was nothing in there to hurt myself with. Another sign my family didn't trust me. And why should they? I had destroyed their trust, through years of self mutilation and deceit. No, they had no reason to trust me.
I must have been sat there for a while, because before I knew it Emmett was at my door. "Hey," he called. I looked at him blankly. He still hated me for the pain I was causing the family. I couldn't blame him for that. "Dinner's ready." He turned around and left mumbling something that sounded like, "Not that you care." I smirked at that comment. He had no idea how true that statement was. I got up and made my way downstairs. Carlisle and Esme were fussing in the kitchen, and the others were already sat down at the table. I could feel their eyes on me as I sat down.
Carlisle came out with what looked like lasagne. Great. I thought. This is obviously for my benefit. Fat, mixed with dairy and meat. Perfect! Ever since I had come out of the hospital they had been making these high calorie meals in disguise. Obviously they thought that I wouldn't realise what they were doing. They really didn't know me at all did they.
Esme served everyone theirs, giving me a smaller portion than the rest as she knew that I probably wouldn't eat much of it, if any at all. The last two nights I had been so disgusted with what they had made that I had just sat there, pushing it around my plate and excusing myself after a short while. I didn't think would be any different. They were all watching me. I didn't care. I had become used to it by now. I just sat there pushing the food around my plate, not paying attention to anyone else. They were all eating theirs slowly, watching obviously waiting for me to cave in and eat mine, as they had every night since I had come home.
That wasn't going to happen. I would make damn sure that it wouldn't happen.
I excused myself without eating anything and went and sat down in the living room. I knew my family were disappointed and worried. I'm sure they thought that with them knowing that I would at least attempt to resolve my problems. But I don't care anymore. I don't want to get better.
After a while I went up to my room and got into bed, for the last time in this house. I rolled over onto my side so I was facing away from the door. After a minute or so, someone, probably Esme or Carlisle opened the door and poked their head in to check on me. I was seriously getting sick of this. It was like I was five again, and my parents were checking on me to make sure I wasn't afraid of the dark or anything. They left the door open, as I knew they would, but I was too tired to get up and close it again. I knew that it would be opened moments afterwards if I did. So I settled for sleep. Hoping that it would be dreamless and deep.
The next morning I was woken up to someone shaking me softly and calling my name.
"Edward." they called. "Hey, Edward. We've gotta go." It was Jasper. The only one of my siblings I could stand at the moment. Or at least the only one who didn't bug me twenty-four hours a day. I mumbled at him and sat up slowly. "You okay, man?" He asked, his voice concerned. I nodded and said that I'd be down in a minute. After a moment, he left, closing the door behind him, making sure I had some privacy when I got dressed. He was the only one to do so. Normally I would have to close the door myself, only to have it opened a few moments later by some worried family member making sure I was okay. I washed myself, not looking in the mirror, knowing that I would hate what I saw there, got dressed and packed up what few possessions I had left in my room. I then went downstairs to meet my family.
They were all fussing about what was going in who's car. Or more likely, who was I going to be riding with? I didn't really care. As long as they didn't bug me the whole way there I would ride with anybody. When they'd finally sorted themselves out and everything was cleared out of the house, apart from the furniture which was being picked up in an hour - Esme was staying behind to supervise the removal men - everybody started getting into their cars.
"Edward," Carlisle said, lightly placing a hand on my shoulder, as if I would break under the smallest amount of pressure. "You okay riding with Jasper?" He asked. I nodded absently. At least I was going to be in my own car, even if I wasn't going to be the one driving it. Some small relief came out of that. And at least Jasper would leave me to myself. Neither of us were big talkers, for which I was thankful. I had never been a talkative person and I didn't plan on starting now.
When we set off all I did was stare out the window. After an hour or so, I fished through my CD's and put Clair de Lune on. The one piece that helped me relax. I knew Jasper wouldn't mind. He liked the classics as much as I did, though he didn't generally have much patience for Debussy. I leant against the window, and I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know, the scenery around us was lush and green, intense forests and large meadows all around.
"Nearly there, now, mate," Jasper said, realising I'd woken up.
"How long was I out?" I asked, wiping my eyes.
"Couple of hours," he replied. "We're just coming up to Forks now." Just moments after he said it, we passed the "Welcome to Forks" sign, which was so battered it looked as though it should have been replaced 100 years ago. I groaned and leaned against the window again.
As we went through the town, the feeling of dread inside of me only grew and grew. It was tiny. Even smaller than I thought it was going to be. This was going to be difficult, especially after having lived in Chicago for the last 10 years. The thought of everybody knowing everybody else's business made me uneasy. And in a town this size that was obviously the case. As we went through the town I could feel people's stares. They'd obviously never seen a parade of cars like ours before. Most of the vehicles on the road were beaten up old Chevy's or cars that were out of date when they were pulled off the production line. Ours must have seemed spectacular to them.
We pulled up to a house that seemed fairly modern. It was white, and from what I could tell the whole front downstairs wall was made of glass. One giant window, it seems. It looked a decent size and had a fairly large garage. Hopefully it would squeeze all of our cars in.
When I got out of the car, Carlisle and Emmett were already walking around downstairs, admiring our new home. As I walked through the door, Emmett raced upstairs, probably to claim his bedroom. "Edward, you want to go and choose a room?" Carlisle said to me quietly, so I went upstairs and found a moderately sized room that was down the opposite end of the hall to the one Emmett had claimed. I didn't want to risk being woken up by Emmett's bear like snoring.
I dropped my bags off in the room I had claimed, and went back downstairs to see what was happening. Carlisle was on the phone looking worried. He hung up as I reached the bottom of the stairs, looking grave. "It seems as though we're on airbeds tonight. There was an accident behind us on the freeway and they're not letting anyone through until its been completely cleared. Esme doesn't know what time she'll get here." The others moaned and groaned about not having proper beds to sleep in tonight, until Carlisle reminded them it was just for one night. He then looked at me, with a small smile that said "thanks for not moaning." I took the airbed that he handed me and went back up to my room, not bothering to stick around for dinner.
After blowing up the bed, I changed and got under the duvet, silently thanking whoever it was that had packed them in one of the cars instead of the removal truck. I took my alarm out of one of my bags and set it so that I would wake up in time to start school in the morning. Moments later, someone - probably Carlisle - opened the door and looked in. Again not closing the door when they left. I guess it was going to be the same routine here as it had been in Chicago. Oh, well, I thought. Who am I to care?
With those thoughts I drifted off into what I hoped would be a dreamless sleep.
I know this chapter is longer than the previous one, but I'm going to be blunt: I hate short chapters.
I wanted to portray how isolated from the rest of his family Edward feels in this chapter. I hope that came through. Don't worry Bella-lovers, she will be appearing soon.
But will the help or damn the young, broken Edward?
Only I know the answer :)
Please review. Thankees. x