This chapter was an idea given to me by greenandred124. It's is pretty much the same thing, just in Logan's point of view. The next one up will be an alternate ending, requested by Miss Fenway, who was literally on her knees begging for it.

Warning: major angst, major depression, character death ahead.

Logan Mitchell's POV

I guess it really started when the whole "Bad Boy" thing came about. Wayne-Wayne made it clear that he was going to become a part of Big Time Rush, no matter what. He also made it clear that Kendall was going to be the one kicked out.

As for everyone else, they all assumed that it was going to be me.

Of course, I much would have gone if it meant Kendall were to stay. I mean, after all, he's the front man. He's the reason we're here in the first place.

But that didn't stop my self- esteem from plummeting south at speeds I didn't think possible.

And then, it was Gustavo tearing me up, day in and day out. Whether it was over my dancing, my singing, or the way I always brought a medical book with me to study during break, he never ceased to miss any little mistake. Although, he always managed to overlook every little thing I did do right. Like, the one time in rehearsal, where James screwed up his back flip, and I did it perfectly.

Yeah. No comment there.

It just became a regular thing- being insulted, even just harmless teasing from James or Carlos. Every tiny comment would sting something terrible, and I would go off to my room for the rest of the day.

Kendall never made fun of me. Never, not once. I think that's why I kept it hidden so well. I didn't want to hurt him. I would never bring my stupid issues down on him. That would just be irresponsible.

And then, there was my dad. He… didn't like me, to say the least. It wasn't just that he neglected me –despite everything I tried to get his attention, straight A's, playing hockey, even having a good shot at being valedictorian- he hit me.

I hear myself crying out as he grabs my hair by the strands- I feel them being pulled out of their roots. Tears clump my eyelashes, another plead of mercy escaping my lips as he slams my head down against the table. The world is spinning; I can barely hear him as he says, "Nobody cares about you, Logan. You're nothing but a worthless piece of shit!"

I hear myself scream again as he delivers a painful kick to my ribs, but that doesn't stop me from replying, "K-Kendall does! He told me that he l-loves me!" My voice is distant, even to my own ears.

"Then Kendall," my father spit out his name as if it were sour milk, "is nothing but a queer. An idiot, too. You're not smart enough to be anyone's business. All you do is get in the way. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me, you know that?"

"I-I'm sorry," I whimper softly, closing my eyes against the cool wood of the table. "I promise, I'll never come your way again."

I didn't even say anything about going to California. Why would I? If he cared, at the very least, he would tell me it was a waste of time. But I really could care less what he thought. Mrs. Knight is nine trillion times the parent to me than he ever was, and then some.

I want to tell Kendall about my dad. I really, really do. In fact, I almost did, a week or two ago. It was perfect- we were alone (not that I didn't want James and Carlos to know, I just wanted to tell Kendall first) and he was going through our old school yearbook, obviously bored out of his mind. Kendall hated anything that reminded him of Minnesota, minus our hockey gear. He hated the land of ten thousand lakes (because he likes excitement. And we were in the Middle Of Nowhere, USA)

"Kendall?" I say quietly, looking in the direction of his bed.

"Yeah?" He closes his book and looks up. "What's up?"

"I-I… I… I need to go to the bathroom."

When I get there, I'm already crying.

It could have been such a simple thing. Just five words, at the least. 'Kendall, my dad hit me.'

But I don't know what kept me from saying it. Maybe it was, again, the fact that I wouldn't stand to put my burdens on Kendall. I loved him too much.

That was when I started going to that site online. The first time, it was around two thirty on a Sunday night. Kendall was asleep, and I hadn't heard any cries of "Bandanna Man and Helmet Boy, to the rescue!" coming from the room next door in a few hours, so it was obvious that James and Carlos were knocked out. Mrs. Knight and Katie had turned in hours before we retreated to our rooms – although I was aware that Katie stayed up just as late as we did.

I picked up my laptop, and, while waiting for it to power up, I wonder what I was really doing. Would it be worth it- to have my new family's lives, to have Kendall's life- be obstructed, just for my own selfish desire?

But I already had Google pulled up before I could answer myself.

I typed 'suicide' in the search bar, and, to my surprise, over nine billion results came up. This internet is so damn easy. I clicked on the first one that came up, not even bothering to look at the name of it.

And then, there were the articles. These people had really good ideas, even though I couldn't bring myself to admit it. There was a miniscule part of my brain, telling me don't do this, don't do this, stop before you get too into it, but it was too late. I couldn't even hear it.

The sites became my addiction for the next two weeks. I didn't make an account there- I was too weak to tell anyone what I was going to do. Even if I didn't know them.

Then, on one night, I decided that, yes, I was going to do it. It had just become too much. There were dark circles under my eyes, tiny cuts on my arms and legs from scratching myself- even though I had no itch. The pain felt too good to stop.

But, as I looked over, and saw Kendall, just seconds after I made up my mind, everything came crashing back to me like a train. His dirty-golden hair was messy, falling into his eyes, and he was sound asleep.

I brought myself to walk over, and crawled into his bed right next to him, under the sheets. This was how we had always expressed our love for each other- we were too close of friends to get weirded out by sleeping in the same bed.

He rolled over, facing me. "Logiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" His words were slurred, eyes half closed.

I smiled tearfully and brushed the hair from his face. "Kendall, if I did something, really, really stupid and reckless, and it ended badly, would you… still like me. For who I am?"

Kendall snorted a little, nodding. "Of course I would, stupid. You're my best friend. Nothing you do, no matter how idiotic, could make me love you less. Although, you probably wouldn't be one to do it."

It was strange, how when he was still subconsciously asleep, the words rolled so easily off his tongue, how he felt for me. After my silence, he opened his eyes all the way, sitting up so he was level with me.

"Logan, is there something you want to tell me? Is there anything wrong?"

What I should have done was let my tears fall, lean forward into his warm arms and let everything out. But I didn't. I loved him. I didn't want to freak him out.

But instead, I shook my head, looking down. "No. I… just wondered, is all."

"Oh. Well, okay. Night, Logie."

"Night, Kendall."

He didn't say anything as I burrowed down next to him, burying myself in his warmth and the comfort that he so effortlessly provided to me.

And, after I was sure he was asleep again, I leaned up, pressing a kiss to his forehead, my lips lingering there for a moment as tears came to my eyes.

"Good bye, Kendall."

The next morning was unusually warm. Not that it wasn't warm on a normal day, but it just seemed more overbearing. Maybe it was because it was the last time I would ever see it.

The four of us were walking down the street, on the way to Rocque Records, and when it came time to cross the street, I knew this was it. I looked at James and Carlos one more time, real slowly, memorizing every little thing about them.

Then, without waiting for the sign to turn white, I started out into the street.

I turned quickly, and saw Kendall. His gaze was fixed on me, his eyes full of fear and confusion, and then, I broke.

This wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth it at all. I loved him. I didn't want to do this to him. So, I quickly began walking back, but it was too late.

Impact had never hurt so badly.

Wow. I didn't even expect it to be this dark and angsty. It really just took a life of its own. I take full responsibility for your sadness- if you have any after reading this. I know I did.

Thanks for the reviews. Please keep them coming so I don't feel like this was a total waste of time. Suggestions are welcomed- because now I really need to start the alternate ending, and I have no idea how.