Chapter 2 - The Second Thursday
Dean wasn't really feeling too much better. The fever had come down somewhat and the infection was certainly clearing up nicely, but there was something just not right with Dean and both Sam and Gabby were very concerned. Even grinning green frog didn't look too happy today. In addition, neither of them could remember the last time Dean had a restful sleep. The nightmares plaguing him, were not conducive to a peaceful night. For some reason, during the day when he was dozing, they chose not to make an appearance.
"I don't know Sam, he's not dealing with something and it seems to be coming back and getting him at night" I stated as I looked down at Dean. The freckles sprinkling his nose were out in full force contrasting against his pale, slow to fade bruised cheeks. His t-shirt had some stains from the chocolate pudding Sam tried to get him to eat earlier - two mouthfuls, along with some water, was not the making of a meal.
"He's not going to be happy when he realizes what's going on" Sam exclaimed. "I know, but let's give it a try okay, I don't think it can hurt", I replied as I pulled back the covers and got in beside Dean. Sam, on the other side, did the same thing. Both of us leaned in from our respective sides and draped our arms over and around Dean and placed our heads on each of his shoulders. Dean was going to feel the love tonight! Sam and I had gone over our game plan earlier in the evening, as desperate times required brave actions. "Okay Sam, remember small circular motions, over and around his heart, and let him hear you hum okay. I'm going to keep my arm across his stomach and let him know that he can let go of whatever it is he is holding onto and that we love him no matter what, and that we just want him back" I whispered as I quickly glanced over at a concerned looking Sam.
"Gabby, before this really gets going, I think you should know something about Dean and I" Sam murmured. "I know Sam, I figured it out pretty quickly, just after you and Dean arrived here and it makes no difference to me, in fact, I'm glad you both have each other, brothers, boyfriends, best friends, lovers - you've got the whole deal Sam, you and Dean, and as your tattoo says, together, forever." I smiled over at him. "Thanks for that Gabby" Sam whispered as he gently pulled a strand of my hair and smiled.
Even with being wrapped up in blankets and human comfort, Dean was restless and was struggling to move. "Dean, it's okay, no one is going to hurt you, you're safe, we've got you and we sure love you" I gently soothed. (I had known the guys for such a short time, but it just all still felt so right and the love I was feeling for them was just there and so I went with it. After all, does everything need to be questioned and answered)?
Sam was staring intently at Dean, as he gently rubbed circles around Dean's heart. I didn't recognize what tune he was humming, but Dean was beginning to relax somewhat, his breathing evening out.
Dean felt like he was drowning, with guilt, with worry and doubt and the "what if" blues. His whole life he'd tried, he really tried to do the right thing as situations came up, but he'd fucked up big time during the last hunt, and he'd done it to Sam. He'd almost gotten him killed, and it had scared the hell out of him, so much so, that he just wanted to hide, to slip away into his inner self.
It had all started innocently enough with a loose stair-board in an old lady's house, that just wouldn't stay nailed down. No-brainer right, pure bush league. In terms of what they normally dealt with, this should have been a cake walk, but it sure didn't turn out that way. Dean just couldn't bring himself to go any further down the road with this rancid memory.
As Dean's eyes flew open, he looked scared and vulnerable. He leaned further into the pillows and then looked from side-to-side at both Sam and I, and promptly burst into tears. "It must be bad" I thought to myself, for this man to be crying so hard.
"Dean...Dean, it's okay guy, it's me, it's Sam, you're okay...you're okay" Sam, I noticed was starting to cry also, as he leaned over to kiss away Dean's tears. "What could possibly be going on, that would cause both of them to be crying like this" I felt my heart tugging as I watched them consoling one and other. I had Dean's hand in my own and re-positioned it to include Sam's forearm.
"I'm not okay, that's just it" Dean cried as his chest heaved. "Sam, I almost got you killed back on our last hunt. I swore I'd protect you no matter what and I almost blew it - fuck man - you almost died because of me, so what does that make me huh?" Dean yelled.
"Human Dean, it makes you human, just like the rest of us. Where do you get off thinking you're the perfect one, the big man who doesn't make mistakes? Well I'm here to tell you, that we all do, at some point, at some time it happens to us all and when it does, that's when we do what we need to do to try and rectify it, acknowledge it and then try and move on. Sam's here Dean, he's holding you now, he loves and forgives you. You need to begin to forgive yourself man, so you have to get this out, all out and let some of the healing in." Here I was back up on my soapbox again, but these things needed to be pointed out. Two sets of teary green and brown eyes were staring at me intently, lips trembling. "How do I get myself into these things" I wondered.
"Okay guys, for what it's worth, here's my story. Nicky and I were together since grade five, the love of my life, the "man of the house". He served some time in prison for stealing from people's freezers to help out the more needy in the community. How endearing is that, a real modern day Robin Hood. On a long weekend in the Spring all those years ago, I had been out enjoying a great day by the water. Life was good and I was in love. When I got home, I flipped on the radio and flung myself on my bed. "Three were killed...Nicky..." and my life was never the same. It was a bad accident, two best friends and a passenger - gone - in the blink of an eye. Family members two cars back, the eye witnesses, told and re-told their stories, that the deaths were not quick and they were not easy. I was suppose to have gone to the party with them, but I wasn't liked by his family and so I bailed. He was upset and said I wasn't making an effort. He was right and I told him I'd make it up to him and his family next time. Except, there was no next time and never would be.
For two years after the accident, I dreamt in vivid colour, of entering Nicky's room and him being clothed completely in bandages, not a piece of skin visible. I would climb into bed beside him and hold him and try to make right what I knew was so wrong. Those were also the days when I'd go to visit his grave site and throw myself down over his grave, trying to get as close to him as possible. The neighbours who bordered the cemetery would call the police. They must have thought I was a crazy woman, grinding myself into the ground like that. The cops showed up and really, what could they say? I was grief-stricken and it was my choice on how I dealt with it, so they left me alone.
So, based on personal experience, here's what I've learned: don't wait to correct a mistake you've made with someone you love, do it right away, you may never get a second chance. If you are granted that second chance, Sam and Dean, listen well, take it and run with it, it's been given to you for a reason. Dean, you've got your second chance, don't blow it by taking any more time thinking about the past, look whose holding you and loving you, there shouldn't be an issue here, okay?" I said feeling pretty drained.
As Dean looked at me and then at Sam and Sam smiled back at him, I knew that this was a holy day, a once in a lifetime chance to re-correct and re-direct a future, two futures actually. The healing could begin now. "Hey guys I'm going to head downstairs and leave you two alone" I said as I slowly slid off the bed. Before reaching the edge, I was pulled back by two strong, but different in length arms. Sammy and Dean had tagged teamed against me. "Not so fast missy" Dean smiled at me, "we need to have some serious hugging going on here" and with that, I was rolled over and inserted between two now smiling brothers. "So guys have you ever heard of a second chance recipe?" I inquired, between accepting hugs from both sides. "Aaah, that would be a N-O - no!" Dean replied as Sam nodded in agreement. "Are you interested in trying it out?" I giggled as I was already planning in my mind what would be served. "Sure, why not" Sam answered. "Dean designed a special event recipe not too long ago and that was sure unexpected and a lot of fun" Sam laughed as he pulled his head up and glanced over at a reddening Dean.
"This is going to be so good" I thought to myself "menu planning, for what I had in mind, was going to need the unbridled enthusiasm of both the boys, this was going to be a love feast to end all love feasts" and I was just getting started.
"Okay, okay enough with the tickling already, this is serious, we need to get down to business" I laughed, as I made my escape down the middle of the bed and looked back to see two grinning faces, pretending to be all serious and listening intently.
"Gabby, sorry to interrupt, but did you see the time, it's after 9:00 and aren't you missing your favourite show?" Dean said in his perfect parrot imitation.
"Uh-unh smart ass. The powers that be decided to pre-empt it for this week. Those jag-offs, I just don't get their decision-making. I mean they had some really strong episodes which everyone loved and then they follow them up with reruns (not that I'm complaining, cause they're always good) and then they pre-empt them for a week - go figure). So, there is no Plan A, without a Plan B and my Plan B is writing. There is a really cool website where people can post their work in relation to their favourite tv show, among other forms of entertainment. It's a great site, with a lot of traffic and the people who read the stories that are posted by myself and others, seem to enjoy reading them, as much as I do writing them. I have what I think is a really cool pen name and I can just let my mind go and put pen to paper with what I know and what I hope to know one day and no one, with the exception of you two now know who I really am. I could be the person sitting beside you on the bus, talking to you in the coffee shop or smiling at myself in the reflected plate glass window. It's great all the way around! And of course, there is always Plan C - the well used, well viewed and well loved Season 1 dvd boxed set" I smirked, as after all, when it came to ensuring that I met my weekly quota of tv's hottest brothers, I couldn't be beat! "You just had to ask Dean, didn't you?" Sam questioned as he laid his head on Dean's chest and Dean smiled a sigh of contentment.
As I turned out the light and made my way to the door, my hand closed around the unusual charm on my necklace. "Maybe it's time to get this in use again, it would work well with the second chance recipe I was planning for the boys" and the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. "Hey guys, one more thing, put on your thinking caps for tomorrow, because I want to speak with each of you separately and just a heads-up, I'm going to be asking each of you the same, equally personal, but absolutely need to know question." "Oh, and by the way, as a necessary part of the overall recipe, I want each of you to follow what Napoleon wrote in a letter to Josephine - 'I'm coming home...don't wash!' "See you tomorrow" I chuckled and bounced down the stairs.
"Don't wash? - what the...?" both of them wondered, just a little bit afraid.
Author's Note: Menu planning is well underway and will be served up in Chapter 3. Come hungry! Life's all about living it - hope you are with your's! Thank you for reading.