Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.

Author's Note: Here's another crack fic. I'll admit it. I lack inspiration for Rise of the Demon… So here is another outlet for the accumulated stress…

Crack Shots 2

Flight

Written by smiggers

The interior lights were dimmed and the cabin crew moved down the aisle, offering drinks and helping passengers to recline their seats. Fate shifted slightly as she relaxed into the comfortable First Class seat. Propping her feet up on the foot rest, she reclined further into the soft cushions and stifled a yawn. Eyelids drooped close as she allowed her tired eyes to rest.

It was going to be a long flight after all. Besides, she hasn't had the chance to get a good night's rest with all her assignments. Now that she finally got some time off to return to Earth, Nanoha just had to drag her onto a holiday trip to Paris.

By normal flight no less.

They could have opened a portal from HQ or flown there with magic. But no, they had to fly there by commercial flight.

*

"I've never taken an aeroplane before…" Nanoha had whined.

"But you can fly." Fate replied incredulously.

"Well yeah. But that's not the same as flying in an aircraft like normal people…"

"Yes, that may be true. But it's a lot faster." Fate had argued.

And Nanoha eyes watered as she gave Fate her best puppy eyed look.

Damn her for not being able to resist it.

Fate had given in.

*

And so, here she was sitting in first class clad in civilian clothes on a red eye flight by an international airline. The muffled hum of the jet engines lulled her into semi-consciousness. Folding her hands onto her lap, she allowed the comforting embrace of slumber to wrap around her overworked mind. A small smile tugged up the corners of her lips as she felt a thick blanket draped onto her before a warm body snuggled up against her right. A slender hand tugged on one of hers before entwining their fingers.

Nanoha pressed her lips lightly against Fate's neck before snuggling into the crook of the blonde's shoulder. Sighing in contentment she too drifted off into sleep.

---

Fate felt weird.

Waking up in confusion, her mind struggled to comprehend what was happening. There did not seem to be an emergency and she did not sense any imminent threats. Yet she still felt weird.

Nanoha was still asleep, head tucked into the crook of her shoulder. Warm breath tickled her collarbone as the brunette breathe steadily.

The cabin was dark, the other passengers fast asleep either from the lull of the jet engines or from the excessive amounts of alcohol in the nightcaps that they had been served with hours earlier. None of the cabin crew was in sight, presumably patrolling the other sections of the commercial flight. A thick blue drape separated the First Class cabin from the rest of the plane, providing a small measure of privacy.

Fate stiffened.

There it was again, that scraping sensation along her denim clad inner thigh.

Fate looked down into her lap, seeing a lump beneath the blanket in between her legs.

'What the heck?'

It couldn't possibly be Nanoha pulling a prank on her, right?

Tentatively, Fate lifted the edge of the woollen blanket and peered into the darkness.

The cabin lights were too dim for her to actually see anything. Blinking her eyelids rapidly to aid her eyes to focus, Fate finally made out a figure.

Emerald eyes, round as saucers stared up at her.

An ear piercing shriek tore through the aircraft, rudely awakening the handful of passengers and sending the cabin crew racing towards First Class.

---

"Hmmm… Rein, isn't this the flight that Fate-chan and Nanoha-chan were on?" Hayate pointed at the front page headlines of the newspaper that she had just received from the morning paperboy.

The tiny knight flew over towards her and sat on her shoulder, peering at the smaller print beneath the headlines.

"Hai, desu. Enforcer Harlaown and Captain Takamachi departed on a 747, flight number 1337." Rein confirmed happily.

"Huh. I hope they didn't run into any trouble…" Hayate replied distractedly as she read the article beneath.

-

"Ferret Found Decapitated on International Airline's Flight." The headlines screamed in large, bold capital letters. "Airport police are currently investigating the matter." It read in smaller print. A black and white photograph of a 747 commercial airplane at the terminal with several police vehicles parked around it accompanied the headlines.

Tokyo- A red eye flight from Tokyo, Narita landed in Paris Charles de Gaulle International Airport early this morning, carrying a ghastly scene in its First Class toilet cubicle. The cabin crew were unaware of this unethical murder of a domestic pet until post-flight checks were conducted. The stewardess in charged of the First Class section stumbled onto the scene and alerted the airport police.

"It was horrible! There was blood all over the place and this brown furry animal was held against the mirror with several toothbrushes stabbed through its body." – Air stewardess on Flight 1337.

"I was alerted by the cabin crew and saw the scene myself. The animal's head was in the sink and blood was splattered all over the walls." – Co-pilot of Flight 1337.

The airport police arrived at the scene in minutes. The area was cordoned off and the plane was searched thoroughly. All passengers on the flight were led into a holding room and held for questioning. However, immigration officers have reported two passengers to be missing. Narita airport had confirmed the clearance of these two individuals from its checkpoints and cabin crew reported that all passengers were onboard prior to take off.

Internal crime investigators were also called to the scene with their team of forensic scientists. The entire cubicle was dusted for prints and the bureau is currently matching them to passengers on the flight.

An anonymous investigator described the case as one of the worst pet abuse case he had ever seen. "It was gruesome. The ferret was crucified to the mirror with complimentary in-flight toothbrushes. Its head appeared to be cut off with a detached shaver's blade as can be seen by the jagged cuts and the severed muscle. We found the weapon in the sink and our team are currently trying to get some prints off it. Post-mortem has revealed that the animal was a male although we found no obvious signs of it." – Anonymous Investigator.

"We didn't see balls on that ferret." – Anonymous Airport Officer.

Meanwhile, the operating protocols of the baggage loading department of Narita airport are being revised. Several airlines have voiced the need for stricter flight transport for animals. It is unclear how the ferret escaped from the storage bay and into the main cabin.

As of press release, the ferret's body remains unclaimed and will remain in the city's possession for three days before disposal.

-

"Eww… Rein feels sick, desu…" The miniature knight covered her mouth with a tiny hand.

"Rein…" Hayate was about to send the tiny woman to bed for some rest when the doorbell to their modest house chimed.

"Coming!" Hayate called out as she hurried to the door.

What greeted her on the other side was a surprise.

"Nanoha-chan? Fate-chan? I thought the both of you are in Paris?" Hayate stepped back in surprise.

"We'll explain later. Can we come in?" Nanoha fidgeted with the hem of her blouse.

Hayate waved them in and led them to the living room.

"There wasn't any trouble, I hope?" The young commander queried worriedly.

Fate pointed at the newspaper spread out between them. "Have you read that?"

Hayate glanced at the papers and nodded slowly. "Yes…and?"

Both Nanoha and Fate stared at her.

"Erm?" There was something that she was missing out. A few moments of silence later, Hayate's eyes widened in shock when she finally pieced the puzzle pieces together. "No way…" She mumbled in disbelief.

"Yes way." Nanoha corrected solemnly.

"Rein, get me through to Yuuno, Infinity Library." Hayate instructed the tiny woman perched on her shoulder.

Rein closed her eyes for a moment before shaking her head in the negative. "Unable to contact Yuuno Scrya of the Infinity Library, Mistress."

"Oh shit." Hayate concluded as she stared wide eye at the two women. "What did he do?"

"He was touching me! Down there!" Fate replied agitatedly.

"And you…killed him? But it could have been an accident!"

"Nooo! He had his filthy paws on me! And…and even after I screamed, he continued to grope me!" Fate replied indignantly.

"He groped you?! Why didn't you tell me about that?" Nanoha stared at the blonde in shock. "You should have let me have a go at him! No one and I mean no one other than me should touch Fate-chan!" Nanoha seethed. "I should rip him to shreds!"

Hayate pressed her fingers to her temple. "I take it that the both of you are here because you need me to keep things quiet?"

Nanoha and Fate nodded in unison, hope on their faces.

"I'm sure you have a spell to erase memories right? Or perhaps Shamal can do it?" Nanoha took both of Hayate's hands in hers as she put on her best puppy dog eyes.

"Don't try that on me. It only works on Fate-chan." Hayate chastised tiredly.

So much for a relaxing holiday on Earth.

Author's Note: A very big thank you to all reviewers! My apologies for not replying… I know I usually do and there should be no excuse otherwise…

Here's another Yuuno bashing fic since it's in demand. =D

No real ferrets were harmed in this fic.

Read and review please!

Cheers!