Come Come Kakashi!

Chapter 2: Insult to Manhood

I can't be that man you want me to be.

-------------------Fastball: All the Pain Money Can Buy

When Umino Iruka woke up in the morning, he thought nothing of getting ready for lessons, dressed and on with his normal life.

He brushed his teeth, as usual, still too asleep to register thought. He toweled off the water on his face. Yes, everything was perfectly and utterly normal.

Or, at least, every thing was perfectly normal, until he tried pulling down his pants to do the …um morning routine standing.

Therein all hopes of a normal routine were shattered.

Iruka, being the ever-polite, courteous young man that he was, refused to give in to the primal urge to scream something far too similar to the phrase plucking-bell, opting instead for the peaceful option of sitting on the mattress, head clutched in utter, utter despair. Really, he didn't believe the situation warranted a good swear. Yet.

"Oh dear." Murmured Umino Iruka, into his unfamiliarly pale, tapered hands, with the vehemence of a man cursing the gods, mortals and every bastard in between, "oh dear."

He remained that way for a while, mental cogs grinding. Suddenly shooting up, he staunchly refused to be dismayed any further by a mere change in sex, determined to face this… this situation like a man…or a woman…or a man. Oh freaking dear.

Taking the telephone directory in one hand and the cordless phone in the other, be began to dial…

Kurenai answered the phone in a rushed, disheveled state. "What do you want?" Her tone threatened brusque violence. Iruka blinked.

"Ah, Kurenai-san, this is Umino Iruka."

Her anger abated at the thought of the friendly sensei that managed the mission desk. But still, her beauty sleep! Kurenai growled, "What do you want?"

"I, um, have a little problem I hope you can help me with."

Confronted with a possibly-lewd preposition, though no less flattering, Kurenai held the receiver as close as she could to her mouth. "UMINO, YOU SICK LITTLE BASTARD! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING AT," she took a quick look at her wrist, "—SIX IN THE BLOODY MORNING MAKING FILTHY DISGUSTING—"

Her neighbour thumped on the ceiling, cutting off her diatribe. A muffled voice yelled, "Would you keep it down!"

"Ah! Gomen nasai, Kurenai-sama, I didn't mean for it to sound that way! I meant, I really need your help!"

She stopped, suspicious. "Why me? I don't even know you that well! I just see you at the mission desk everyday!"

"Please! Kurenai-san!" The note of desperation in the man's voice softened her ire. "You're the only one I know who can help! I don't know any other women!"

She gave in. "Fine." There was a pause. " But just so you know, if you dare try anything, I am capable of 8th level torture practices along with 'S'-level Genjutsu, not forgetting that I'm a full-fledged Jounin with enough experience to twist your head and stuff it where the sun don't shine."

There was a wise hesitance on the other end of the line. "Hai, Kurenai-sama. No tricks."

"No tricks." Satisfied, the jounin gave a yawn, "It's not one of those girl-problems guy are plagued with, is it?"

-----------

"You are so shitting me."

Iruka quickly ushered in the gaping jounin and shut the door of his apartment behind them. The red-eyed woman stared at him. "Oh my god. That is a serious girl problem."

Iruka winced. "That is the problem."

"So Tsunade did her medical-magic thingy and combined you with your ex-enemy?"

"Hai."

"Talk about bad Karma." Kurenai pursed her lips, eying Iruka's new body, "Though that is one hot babe she made you into."

Iruka winced, "But Kurenai-san! I'm a guy! Up here!" He tapped his head, disconcerted when he felt the soft brown locks.

"I see that that can be a real problem." The jounin smirked, "Although I think Jiraiya-sama has hot fantasies about this sort of thing."

The chuunin groaned. "That is really not helping, Kurenai-san… this is a female body! I'm a guy! I can't go into the toilet and… and…" Iruka blushed a furious red. "I don't know what to do! I can't look!"

"Innocent aren't we?"

Iruka blushed furiously. "I'm not that innocent?"

"When was the last time you looked at a porn magazine?"

"I don't!"

"Had wet dreams about a cute female kunoichi?"

"No!" Horrified.

"Jerked off?"

Iruka covered his ears, face a furious shade of crimson.

Kurenai stated matter-of-factly, "Innocent." She gently peeled Iruka's fingers from the side of his head. "But, still, very cute all the same."

Iruka slumped, dejected. He moaned, "I can't go back to the Academy and teach like this! I can't go back to being same old Iruka! I don't know what to do!"

The jounin was silent as she stared at the distraught teacher. "I think, Iruka-chan, do you mind me calling you that?" Shake of head. "I think you need a mindset change."

"Huh?"

"You've got to face up to the fact that you're no longer a man. For the rest of your life. You are a woman! Try to assimilate that fact."

The chuunin closed his eyes, breathing in and out. He opened his eyes. "I… think I can manage that."

She patted the poor teacher on the shoulder, "Although I don't think people will go around thinking of you the same way again."

Iruka gave his first desperate moan of the morning.

"About never being the same old Iruka… Just tell everyone the truth. They'll take it in stride, believe me. They've seen weirder things before. Like Gai's green spandex."

There was a beat. "True."

"If they can get used to that, they can get used to anything."

There was a pensive pause.

Kurenai grinned wider. "Believe me."

Iruka stared at her earnest face and began to laugh. Then he laughed so hard that the tears beaded at the corner of his eyes. "Hey," said Kurenai testily, "It's not that funny."

Iruka wiped away his tears and smiled wryly. "No… it's not that. I was just thinking, if god wanted men to understand women, he would have made them women in the first place."

"I see you can appreciate the full irony of that."

"Yeah," said Umino Iruka, "I definitely can."

--------------

"Now look here, you can't just go around wearing the same old stuff you have in your cupboards."

"Umm… Ah… Why not? "

"It's not feminine! With a body like that you should be wearing short skirts! Stilettos! Your scroll pouches in naughty places!" She smacked Iruka on a shapely bum, who gave a terrified eep!

Iruka scratched the scar on his nose nervously. "Um…Isn't stiletto a sort of pointy dagger?"

"High heels, Iruka-chan," Sighed the kunoichi, "High heels."

Kurenai rummaged through the contents of Iruka's sparse male wardrobe. "There's nothing here I can work with." She stood with her hands on her hips. "I guess I'll have to lend you a few things for the time being."

The two ninjas made their way to Kurenai's apartment, an old complex near the Academy grounds. Iruka made his way through a dozen costume changes before the jounin was satisfied, and by then the sun was already peeking above the horizon.

"Kurenai-san, if we don't hurry, we're going to be late for classes!" Iruka tapped a bare foot on the ground as the kunoichi rummaged through old boxes. Dressed in a black halter wrapped sensuously around his shapely top, Iruka rubbed his arms to keep warm in the cool temperature.

I never realized that women had to wear so much less. Gosh! It's freezing in here! His hips were clad in a pair of tight leather shorts that masqueraded as a skirt. Iruka thanked his lucky stars that gone through sufficient espionage missions to become accustomed to disguises, though never as a woman. Well, maybe once, in Wave country, with disastrous effects.

But he hoped to live that one down, as soon as his Asuma-san stopped teasing him about it.

Kurenai pulled out a box triumphantly. "I haven't seen these since my genin days! They'll fit you just fine!"

"What'll fit me just fine?" Asked Iruka suspiciously, looking over her shoulder.

"These." Said the jounin, with an evil grin, pulling out a pair of jet-black, thigh-length crocodile skin boots.

"Oh no."

"Oh yes."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes yes yes yes yes."

"That should be illegal!"

"You can get away with it."

"The principal is not going to stand for it!"

"With these, he'll agree to anything!"

"But," Said Iruka helplessly, "I teach kids!"

"And you'll never have to worry about them misbehaving ever again."

"Oh."

"You'll have all of them at your beck and call."

Iruka was almost swayed, he taught ten-year-old pre-ninja hellions. "Really?" he said faintly.

"Especially the boys." Just a bit more.

Iruka bit his lip. "Hand them to over." He stroked a wondering hand across the sleek black leather.

Kurenai grinned. "Really."

"But I have to protest against your sense of taste."

"C'mon, you know you love it…"

Iruka sighed. He slipped the boots on, feeling the warm leather cling snugly to his skin. He tried a few steps to get used to the height. "Hey, this is not so bad."

"Try walking like a woman." Commanded Kurenai. Iruka tried swinging his hips in the opposite direction to his steps, trying balance. He almost got it right until the resulting muscular confusion landed him in a tangle of limbs on the floor. He groaned, in pain and in embarrassment.

"Look, Iruka-chan, it's not like balancing a tightrope. Relax, try rolling your hips as you walk."

"Rolling my hips?" He looked down at the unfamiliarly wider hips and blushed.

"Just let the body figure it out. Just roll your hips, the body should automatically compensate with the swiveling."

"You mean like this?" He tried…rolling a hip forward, letting his shoulders shift to compensate for his balance.

"Yeah. Yeah! Just like that." He tried a few more steps. "That looks pretty good. I think it'll have to do, since you have to get to class in ten."

"Now, one last thing." Said Kurenai as she led the sensei by the hand to the dressing table. "We need to cover up that scar of yours."

"You mean the one on my nose?"

"A woman should not have scars on her face."

"But I don't mind it there." Protested Iruka.

The look on Kurenai's face shut him up. He said in a small voice, "Okay. Kurenai-san."

The chuunin shut his eyes tightly as the kunoichi brushed on foundation gently, so lightly that Iruka had to resist the urge to sneeze. "We have to cover it up with makeup so that it doesn't show." A few more touches, she stood back, satisfied with her work. She placed both hands on Iruka's shoulders. "Open you eyes, Iruka-sensei."

Looking in the mirror, Iruka gasped, astonished to see a stunningly beautiful young woman, features unrecognizable as the plain young man that once existed. He raised a hand to this face in wonder, watching his reflection do the same. "Wow…I can't believe that that is me."

"It is you. It's the brand new Umino Iruka. Female version. Complete and whole, with upgrades." Kurenai grinned.

"But…" He looked in wonder at his reflection. "She's too beautiful to be me."

The jounin smiled warmly. "Then you deserve to be her."

She patted the schoolteacher on the shoulder. "Welcome back, Iruka-sensei. Welcome back."

Author's note: I have… to resist the urge… to write more. Not because I'm a cruel fiend that lets readers writhe at the sight of the end of the chapter (well, not really.) but because harping too much on one thing can really spoil the story. So I'm trying to rein in the descriptive fever, till I get the hang of it. Insert Smiley here, since this site eats them all.