:The Malfoy Manor:

"No way," said Hermione defiantly, glaring at him.

"What do you mean, no way? Where are you going to sleep, then?" he asked, irritated.

"...take me to Ginny's house."

"No."

"Harry's?"

"No. Not Potter's."

"Ron's?" her cheeks became warm as she mentioned his name, and Draco smiled a wicked smirk.

"No can do. He's got his own wife-"

"-what?" cried Hermione, aghast. "Ron is married?"

"And so are you. Come here, we gotta go home!"

"I'm not going home with you!" yelled Hermione angrily, her eyes starting to water a bit. "...Ron got married? To who?"

"I forget. Come on, Hermione, don't be stubborn."

"Tell me!" she cried, putting her foot down.

Draco sighed. "Some chick called Cameron Janice or something. Now can we go home?"

She was speechless as he held her and Apparated out of St. Mungo's.

ooo

"Get off of me," grunted Hermione, pulling herself away from Draco. He rolled his eyes at her as they made their way into the Manor.

"Why on earth did I marry a jerk like you?" asked Hermione, "I mean, was I on drugs or something? Did you put a curse on me?"

"You used to say I enchanted you," smirked Draco, "so sure, if you want to put it that way..."

"Oh, shut up," Hermione said coldly. "I'm going to figure it out, I'm going to divorce you, and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" cried Draco, coming to a halt. "Divorce?"

She crossed her arms. "Of course. Why would I stay married to a ferret? No, there is no way I married you in the first place. I'm going to need some proof!"

He grinned at once. "You'll find enough of those evidences once we get in our bedroom."

"Get in our what?" cried Hermione, horrified.

ooo

"See that right there? Right above the bed on the wall?" he said proudly, "that's our wedding photo."

A huge photo of the two was hanging where he was pointing. Hermione was in a gorgeous white dress with a revealing neckline, and Draco was in a shiny black tux. And what horrified her the most was what they were doing in the photo: they were kissing.

"Ew!" she cried, "I kissed you? I didn't even get my first kiss yet!"

Draco smirked. "We didn't just kiss, if that's what you are complaining about."

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione, wide-eyed.

He was taken aback a bit. "Don't look at me with an innocent face like that! You don't know?"

"Um..."

"Okay, look," Draco cleared his throat. "How do I say this... Okay, here we go. You are not...a virgin. Do you know what that means, Hermione? What I'm trying to say here is that, for the past two years, on this bed..."

Hermione's face turned crimson red. "No way!" she bellowed, running out of the room.

ooo

"Ma'am?"

Hermione was sitting alone in the Malfoy Manor's grandiose living room when she turned abruptly at the sound of an old man.

"Excuse me?" she said, mortified. And then she remembered she was- she cringed – twenty-five years old.

"Dinner is ready, ma'am," said a bearded old man in a suit.

"Excuse me, but who are you?" she asked cautiously.

"Watterson, of course, ma'am," he said, sounding perfectly calm, "your butler."

"Butler?" she frowned, "I thought Malfoy had house elves."

"I did, and then I married you," came Draco's voice as he descended down the stairs. She turned to glare at him, but he continued: "you made me free all my house elves." He did not seem, to this day, very happy about it.

"Now that sounds like me, for once," said Hermione, crossing her arms, "although I still can't believe I would marry a Malfoy."

"Now you are a Malfoy, Hermione," Draco rolled his eyes. "And I still can't believe you don't remember!"

"Sire, your dinner-"

"Of course, thank you, Watterson," said Draco, pulling Hermione up by her arm and practically dragging her to the dining room.

ooo

"Tell me everything," demanded Hermione as Watterson served them appetizer, "what happened in the last...nine years then?"

Draco picked up a stuffed mushroom. "Let's see," he said, waving the mushroom around with his fork, "I started dating you in sixth year. We graduated and you got a job at Gringotts. I worked for the Ministry. When you were twenty-two, I proposed and you accepted-"

"Yeah, two of those do not make sense at all," interrupted Hermione, putting her hand on her forehead.

"I agree. Neither of us actually had to work-"

"No, not that! Me dating you and you proposing and I accepting...well, I guess that's technically three things."

He shrugged. "It's the truth." He then smiled wickedly. "Do you want to hear how I proposed and how psyched you were when you accepted?"

"No," said Hermione, narrowing her eyes. "Now, what about Harry? Ginny? ...Ron?"

"Potter and Ginny Weasley were on and off a lot, but really, I didn't tap into their pitiful, weak relationship," Draco droned, "and Ronald Weasley...went strong with the transfer student from year seven...I mean, six. Yes. Right after you broke up with him." He smiled as he remembered. "Fun times, really."

Hermione's eyes watered up a bit. "So...I ended up with you?"

"You make it sound like it's bad thing," he said, putting his fork down, "and as if this is my fault, if a fault at all. You fell for me first, you know. You made the first move."

"No way."

"Yes, way. If I'm not mistaken, you were also the one who locked us in a certain broom closet in year six." He grinned. "Really good times."

Her face turned redder than before, showing clearly a mix of shock, confusion, embarrassment, and frustration all at the same time. "I refuse to believe such a thing happened."

"I was taken aback, too," he droned on, "I mean, you had been purposely bumping into me many times before that, especially since you confessed you liked me, but I didn't expect you to act so rashly...a sudden eruption of hormones, I bet-"

"Stop it!" cried Hermione angrily, her face burning hot, "stop lying!"

He shrugged and ate his mushroom in silence, smirking to himself.

ooo

"So where am I going to sleep?" asked Hermione, looking at the ceiling.

"Excuse me?" laughed Draco. "Of course you're sleeping with me!"

"That's pedophilia, I'm only sixteen!" she cried, crossing her arms.

"No, you aren't. You're twenty-five."

"Are there no spare rooms in this blinking house?" she demanded, ignoring him.

"Of course there are spare rooms," he replied, "but you're my wife and I refuse to have you sleep anywhere else but in my room and on my bed."

"And I refuse to sleep in the same room with Draco Malfoy, especially when he's some creepy perverted old guy."

Draco scoffed. "Creepy? Perverted? Old?"

She nodded. "Mr. Watterson?" she called, and he glided swiftly into the dining room. (As anyone who's read Roald Dahl would know, butlers never walk. They glide.)

"Yes, ma'am?" he said in a whisper voice.

"Could you show me to a spare room in this manor, please?"

"Of course, ma'am," he replied eloquently.

"No," Draco said, "you're sleeping with me."

"In your dreams!"

"Hermione, if the big M found out we're sleeping in separate rooms, she'll come and Avada Kedavra us."

"Who's the big M?" she asked, frowning.

"Maria Malfoy. My grandmother," he replied, "she's been pressing us to get a baby since-"

Hermione made a disgusted face.

"-we got married, but you didn't want to-"

"Ha!" cried Hermione, "hear that? I didn't want to-"

"-I said you didn't want to have a baby. I never said you didn't like sleeping with me," Draco smirked, "a frequent user of the contraceptive charm, you were."

"Shut up," Hermione crossed her arms.

"Well, you better not tell the big M about that," he continued, "she could barge in any moment and she won't be satisfied until she sees that we're at least in the same room making questionable noise."

She made a disgusted face again. "That spare room, Mr. Watterson?"

ooo

"Ron, you know how I get irritated when you do that! Stop!" yelled Hermione, "I'm trying to be serious here!"

Ron was quiet for a while. "But Hermione...sometimes I think you are a bit too serious."

She sighed and massaged her temples, sitting down on a couch. "We didn't argue like this when we were just friends."

"I reckon so," came the reply. His shoulders were slumped. "We used to have so much fun."

"But it's different now," sighed Hermione, staring sadly at her boyfriend. "I kind of miss those days."

"Me, too."

"Ron?"

"Yeah?"

Their eyes met.

"I think we should just be friends," Hermione said slowly. When she looked up, Ron did not look upset as she expected.

"Alright," he replied, his smile very weak.

"I love you, Ron. But...as a really, really, good friend."

"I know, Hermione, I love you, too."

ooo