Second chapter by me, The Illustrious Crackpot. Not as good as iEATfood's, but here it is anyhow.
iEATfood: well I for one think it rocks!
Chapter 2
Seeing as Edward could be extremely elusive if he so wished, Lazlo was unable to find him. And so, all through that day, he had to endure Raj's constant pestering. No matter where he went—their cabin, the Mess Hall, even so far as to follow the monkey into the latrines. (Though with the decency to at least stay outide the stall.)
"Lazlo. Edward is evil. And gay. YOU CANNOT LOVE HIM!!"
Lazlo's voice came out muffled through the stall door. "What're you talking about? Of course I love him."
Raj shook his head tiredly, passing a hand over his forehead. "No. No you don't. Repeat after me, Lazlo: I—do—not—love—Edward."
"Well sure, you don't, Raj. I do!"
Flusssssssssh.
"AAAAAAGH!!" The elephant stomped his foot in frustration, then took a few deep breaths to steady himself. "Listen to me, Lazlo. Edward—yeah, he's gay, we have established that, it is an accepted fact. But YOU are not gay. I'm telling you, you're not!! Do you hear me? YOU ARE NOT GAY!"
There was a pause before Lazlo responded again. "Wait—I'm not happy?" he asked confusedly. "I thought we were talking about—"
"Nononononooo-o-oooo! LAZLO, DO YOU KNOW WHAT 'HOMO' MEANS?!?"
Lazlo stepped out of his stall, rubbing his neck confusedly as he pondered this. "Ummm...hold on...doesn't that have something to do with milk? 'Pasteurized-homo-milk'? ...What're you talking about?"
At last, Raj decided that he had to spell things out plain and simple. With a long, world-weary sigh, he placed both hands on Lazlo's shoulders and looked the monkey mournfully in the eyes.
"Lazlo," he began in a quiet voice, the kind that people use to assure you that they understand even though they probably don't, "Lazlo, I know that this is not your fault. The fact that Edward is 'different' doesn't mean you have to pretend to be 'different' to try and make him your friend. OK? So you can just stop this right here and right now."
Clam, perched on the rim of a nearby sink, just cocked his head and listened impassively.
Lazlo stared right back at Raj, his eyes wide and innocent. "...Raj?" he said at length.
The elephant sucked in a large breath, his fingers digging reflexively into Lazlo's shoulders. "Yes, Lazlo?"
"Could you let go of me? I kinda need to wash my hands..."
For a moment Raj just stood there, still with a desperate hold on his best friend. Then, with a loud, exasperated cry, he shoved Lazlo away from him and ran out the door.
Lazlo was a bit concerned, but he managed to convince himself that Raj might feel better if he got some "alone time". Stepping towards Clam's sink, he turned the faucet on and ran his hands under the water, letting his bright orange fur get nice and soggy. Clam shifted a little to give the monkey some elbow room, watching him soundlessly.
"Clam?" Lazlo asked after a moment's pause, looking over at the pygmy rhinoceros with slight resignation etched into his features. "Raj really doesn't like Edward, does he?"
Clam shook his head firmly. "Nuh-uh."
The trickling of the water became the only sound in the room, punctuated by the flushing of a toilet somewhere down the line of stalls. Lazlo sighed, shaking his hands off a little (and accidentally spraying Clam with flecks of water), then picked up a bar of white soap from a tray. Granted, the soap was sticky, dirty and disgusting due to the fact that it had been in the camp since its initial founding and still hadn't been used up, but Lazlo didn't notice, sticking his hands back under the water and rubbing the bar against his skin.
"Do you like him, Clam?"
The question caught Clam off-guard, and for a moment he wasn't entirely sure what to say. If he said no, he'd hurt Lazlo's feelings, and if he said yes, then Raj would get mad at him.
Deciding to compromise, he just let out a noncommittal grunt.
Lazlo didn't respond immediately, just stared fixedly at his hands as he continued to work the soap, regardless of the fact that the lather he'd already accumulated was nearly the same size as his head. When next he spoke, his voice held a serious tone, and he didn't look at Clam.
"I wanna hear the truth, Clam. Please. Do you like Edward?"
Clam gulped, the sound making a slight raspy noise in his throat. He wanted to say yes, and make Lazlo like him—except every time he tried to answer, all he could think of was the sound of Edward yelling at him; calling him stupid; very pointedly ignoring his existence, especially when Clam outperformed him in some task; then stealing Lazlo away, keeping the monkey too occupied to play with his friends.
The rhino shook his head slowly, then realized that the lather had built up to such a degree that he and Lazlo were hidden from each other in the soapy cloud, and he was forced to respond verbally. "...Nuh...nuh-uh."
Lazlo was extremely quiet after that, and judging by the way the lather continued to grow, he was probably still whittling away at the soap. Clam lowered his head sadly, sliding carefully off the edge of the sink and walking out the door, trailing foamy white bubbles after him.
"That's OK, Clam," Lazlo sighed heavily after a while, unaware that Clam had left. He tried a weak chuckle. "I mean...heh heh...you don't have to like everybody! I mean, it's OK, I understand if you don't like him..."
Even though Edward was special.
Deciding that both his hands and the rest of him must have become suitably clean by that point, Lazlo shut off the faucet and left, still enhrouded in a thick cloud of soap. Maybe he'd go look for Edward again...
It was only after Lazlo's footsteps had fully faded away that Samson dared to open his stall door a crack, stepping off the toilet seat from whence he'd overheard the previous discussion. He let out a low, appreciative whistle, staring first at the door Lazlo had just departed through and then at the giant foamy lather clinging to the sides of the sink.
"Ohhhhhh..." Samson breathed, his eyes growing wide. "So THAT'S why they call it a soap opera!"
&&&
Lazlo stayed out late searching every nook and cranny of the camp for Edward, even going so far as to skip dinner (and on Hot Dog Monday no less), and didn't return to his cabin until Lumpus's final "If-you're-not-in-bed-in-five-seconds-then-I'll-be-sending-Slinkman-for-you-with-a-wet-noodle" lights-out call. Raj and Clam were already firmly ensconced in their sheets when he entered, neither making any sign that they'd noticed his presence. Raj was curled up in a tight ball, glaring rather pointedly out the wire-mesh windows, but Clam was so still that he might have actually been asleep.
Exhaling slightly, Lazlo sat down on the edge of his own bed, removing his cap and slipping into his pajamas. (It wasn't yet warm enough to follow his normal practice of "skinny-sleeping".) Just as he was about to slide under his covers, though, he changed his mind, interlacing his hands and gazing distractedly at them.
"Look, guys," he began, tail curling and uncurling rhythmically behind him, "I know you don't like Edward. But I love him, OK?"
A nasally, disdainful snort emanated from Raj's bed.
"I like you guys too, though—I like you a lot, and you're my best friends in the world—and I promise I'll play with you as much as I can tomorrow. ...After I make sure that Edward's OK." He smiled encouragingly at the lumps that were Raj and Clam as he retreated for the inviting softness of his blanket. "Jelly Cabin Buddies forever, I promise!"
Clam shifted a little in his bed, but not enough for Lazlo to tell whether he was awake or not. Raj let out another grunt, grabbing forcefully at his covers and pulling them even tighter around him.
Lazlo just didn't get it! Sure, Edward's meanness made him the absolute worst candidate for Lazlo's love, even if he'd been a GIRL. But the main point was, Edward was a boy! Lazlo couldn't love a boy! It was just NOT RIGHT!
Raj's fists tightened around the cuffs of his nightshirt. Why was he the only Bean Scout who realized that Lazlo's gayness was WRONG? If they—
He paused, and the little steam engine he called his mind started to chug rapidly. Well, maybe if...it might just...and that would solve EVERYTHING!
Burying his face in his mattress to muffle a bout of excited laughter, Raj silently congratulated himself on his ingenuity. Lazlo would be back on the righteous path of straighthood come tomorrow afternoon.
All he had to do was get up early enough...
&&&
The rising sun was burning a hole in Edward's back. At least, that's what it felt like. He squirmed restlessly, pressing his knuckles against his closed eyes and trying to block out the light with his tail, but it was no use. With an exasperated groan, the platypus stood up.
And fell off the roof of his cabin.
"GYAAAGH!" he shouted before thumping smartly into the ground, raising a small cloud of dust. Muttering obscenities under his breath, he pushed himself onto his elbows and dusted himself down, then finally struggled to his feet. Sleeping on the roof hadn't been very comfortable, but he hadn't wanted to face Chip and Skip when he'd returned that night. Plus, their filth had already taken over his half of the cabin by then.
He'd really hated having to avoid Lazlo, but he'd been feeling pretty crummy and hadn't wanted Lazlo to try to "cheer him up" as he usually did—it would've just made him feel worse. Dangit, it'd always been his dream to find somebody who could honestly say they loved him, and yet, once that someone had been found, Edward couldn't help but constantly push him away.
Well, he'd make it up to the monkey somehow. Heck, he'd have to, or Lazlo would be all over him trying to figure out what the problem was.
Steeling himself to the task, he headed out from behind his cabin and started to make the rounds of the camp.
Except...something was wrong. There just didn't seem to be any Beans around. The entire place seemed totally deserted—nobody was hanging out by the flagpole, or standing by the dock, or, so far as he could tell from peeking in the windows of various cabins, still in bed.
He was starting to feel a little creeped out.
Very quietly, Edward began to tiptoe towards the Mess Hall, hoping to find Lazlo in there having breakfast or something. Heck, he'd be glad to see anyone—Dave, Skip, even that weird little beaver kid he'd sworn a vendetta against. They couldn't have gone off on a group hike or something without him, could they?
As he neared the Mess Hall's door, a small, indistinct murmur wafted towards his ears, and he stiffened. There was someone in camp after all! Those were voices, coming from the back of the building!
He nearly ran towards the source of the murmur, then realized that displaying panic wasn't very "cool", and instead settled for an indifferent shuffle. The voices grew louder, and so did his relief—but, just as he was about to round the final corner demanding "what the heck the losers were doing", something held him back. The voices were low, but much more distinct, since he was so close to where they were coming from, and he could make out random snippets of dialogue here and there.
"...Never knew...I mean, that the mere presence of one..."
"...Always thought it was kinda' harmless, but now...Man, it's a serious problem!..."
"Hey, get away from my pants! Geez, dude, we already discussed this!!"
Blinking bewilderedly, Edward decided that there was no way to figure out what was going on without actually looking. Stepping out from around the corner, he crossed his arms and began indignantly, "Aw'right, aw'right, what's—"
The words caught in his throat. No, no, it wasn't because of the sight of close to every scout in camp congregating around the dumpster; the Kidney Beans were notorious for fixating on the most pointless of objects for hours at a time. No, it was the fact that they were looking at him with a mixture of total shock and revulsion—well, actually, that wasn't too out-of-place either, sad to say.
It was more the sight of the figure in the dumpster, seated in a chair probably stolen from Lumpus's office that had been draped with strips of dark cloth, giving it a more menacing air than your average piece of furniture. It was Raj, dressed in a long pitch-black robe with a hood that covered half of his face. Clam sat on a piece of refuse just behind him, looking slightly uncomfortable with the proceedings.
"What?! What's going on?" Raj demanded as soon as he heard the murmurs cease, whipping his head from side to side. Finally he got the idea to lift up the edge of the hood so he could see, glaring suspiciously at the crowd below him. When he spotted Edward, he practically went into conniptions.
"THAT'S HIM!!! THERE HE IS!!!" he shrieked, leaping to his feet and pointing an accusing finger down at the platypus. "HE'S THE ONE WHOSE GAYNESS IS MAKING YOU ALL INTO HOMOS! REMOVE THE IMPURITY!!!"
Edward screamed like a girl.