Fight Club

Chapter One

"And they call me Michael Jackson just because I like little boys!" The man sobbed, shoving Iruka's face into his chest, forcing the poor school teacher to get a nice deep whif of his numerous bodily excretions.

"Uh... that's not very nice, Mr. Orochimaru, I mean you're not rea-"

"Oh, shut up you sexy dolphin and hug me!" he simpered, shoving Iruka back into his neck and ignoring the visible shudder that went through the body crushed against him. "Never have I felt this alive before! Thank you, my dear, dear... child."

"... mmph?" That was Irukas cue to start wriggling a bit harder, although it had little to no effect on the strong guy.

"Anyway, it all started when I met this kid, what was his name, Kabuto? Something like that..."

Giving up on escaping, and tuning out the oddly pale man's complaints, body odor, and the way his disgusting long black hair got into his nose when he inhaled, Iruka wondered how he had gotten here.

---flashback---

"Now what is the problem, Iruka-san?" The doctor glanced at her papers, squinting slightly, "There isn't anything obvious here..."

"I feel depressed," answered Iruka in a vaguely worried monotone, "really, really, depressed."

"Ah." sighing, the pink-haired woman sat down on a little stool next to Iruka, who was sitting in his schoolteacher uniform watching the white wall opposite them aimlessly. Obviously bored, she flipped through the two or three pages of his health analysis, before sighing again. "Look. You aren't depressed or anything like that. You just..." she shrugged a bit, smiling wanly, "Aren't in an optimistic stage of life. You're probably bottling up some emotions, not getting enough sleep, things like that."

"But, I feel depressed." repeated Iruka, looking a bit bored, and still worried.

"Don't worry about it." She stood up before he could protest further, and walked out. Right before she exited the door, she paused to add, "You should stop by the lutheran church. Now there are some messed up and depressed people. I hear they take classes, talk about their various problems, stuff like that."

---end flashback---

The man's tears were starting to soak deep into his hair, making his scalp itchy, and Iruka half-heartedly tried to remove his head from the vice-like grip. Instead, Mr. Orochimaru pulled him closer to his face, dry scabby skin slicking against his considerably softer epidermis, and Iruka winced.

"There... there...," gasped Iruka, trying not to breath in, "let it... all out."

"Okay..." The man continued sobbing, and Iruka knew he'd be here for a while.

He was going to kill Sakura. Stupid doctor.

-

When he finally detached himself from the man he'd so cleverly compared to a snake, everybody in the room sat down, and waited patiently for the teacher. She was having trouble seperating what looked to be a father-son duo who were hugging each other furiously, and crying out, 'We will be youthful! We will be youthful!' over and over again.

When they finally sat down, and everybody in the room had calmed a bit, the teacher stood up.

"Welcome to session 3 of our course, 'Dealing with these wierd feelings'. In this class, we will be helping you get through your troubles having to do with incestous or molestous desires you hold deep in your heart. We are here to help you accept these feelings, not push them down inside of you. Don't bottle up, people. Remember, acceptance is the first step to vanquishing these thoughts." The woman, Mrs. Kurenai, went on like this for several minutes, flicking her messy black hair back, and Iruka wondered why whe wore so much make-up. She wore even more than Mr. Orochimaru did, and that was a lot.

"Now. We have two new people here today! Mr. Umino, please stand up and tell us a little about yourself. Remember, there's no cure without acceptance!" Mr. Orochimaru did a little cheer and winked saucily at Iruka. Iruka shuddered a little bit before standing up.

"Hi-"

"Hi!" Two men dressed in green screamed back at Iruka. Iruka blinked at them.

"My name is Iruka. I'm a teacher-"

"Cool!" The exact same two men screamed again, and Iruka recognized them from earlier in the class.

"I'm new, and-"

"We're not new. Weeee'reeee YOUTHFUL! High five!" They screamed, high fiving each other and falling out of their chairs with youthfulness.

"Uh... andI'mgladtomeetyousoyeahandI'mgonnasitdownnow." Iruka finished as quickly as possible, slamming his butt back into his seat at mach 2. Mrs.Kurenai clapped politely, while Mr. Orochimaru cheered and the two men in green ran over to hug Iruka.

"My name is Lee!" said the slightly shorter green guy.

"And mine is Gai! But you may call me Gai-sensei! High-five!" the tall green man yelled happily, and both of them tried to simultaneously high-five poor disoriented Iruka.

"Alright, that's enough. Gai, Lee, please sit down so we can go on with the meeting. And now for our other new person! Please stand up, Mrs...?" Kurenai asked politely, turning her head to a woman sitting in a chair in the corner, taking a huff out of a cigarette.

"My name is Tsuande." Tsunade snarled, not standing up, "Hi."

"Hi! My name is Lee! Would you like a flower, pretty lady?"

"You know where you can stick that flower? You can put right up your youthful little-"

"Now, now, Mrs. Tsunade. Please tell me, Iruka, Tsunade. Why are you here?" Kurenai asked, putting on a gentle smile and nodding slightly towards Iruka.

"Well, I..," Iruka was considering telling them that he was just here as a guest, but something about this class was... well, interesting, to say the least, and since he was on summer vacation, he might as well try something new. "I like little boys. Especially blonde ones." Pretending he couldn't hear the squeal that came out of the snake-dude across the room, Iruka turned his head expectantly to Tsunade. She took a long drag, almost contemplative, before saying simply, "Me too."

Everyone in the room blinked.

"You too what?" Kurenai pressed gently.

"Me too. I like little blonde boys too." Tsunade sighed, as if simply saying the sentence was a waste of her precious time. Iruka was in no position to be judging people, (based on his own circumstances) but he was sure this lady was lying. The only good thing about the whole affair was that Orochimarus attention wavered from Irukas body to give the new girl a once over. Iruka took the moment to do the same.

Tsunade looked like those ladies you see in bowflex commercials, all muscle and sinew. Iruka half expected her to be glistening with sweat, like you see in the movies. She had long blonde hair, separated into pigtails, and she wore no makeup. She wore pajama pants decorated with a leaf pattern, and a brown shirt. She was sitting sprawled in her chair, and because the length of her legs pulled up the edges of her pants, Iruka saw she was wearing a pair of grimy brown vans.

"What the hell are you staring at? I thought you were into little blonde boys." Tsunade practically yelled, and Orochimarus gaze snapped back to Iruka, the normally hazy beady eyes becoming scrutinizing. After a moment of scrutiny, Orochimaru noticed Iruka staring at him, and the snake-guy blew him a kiss.

Iruka just shuddered.

that was wierd.

I got the high five thing from my P.E. class. Me and my friend were pretending to be gai-sensei and lee, and whenever anything happens, we'd scream 'high five!' really really loud, and high five each other. it was a hyper thing. don ask.

any way, the prologue was a glimpse into the future! so, you won't know what happens until i get to that chappie! sux to be u dont it: D

lol i love tsunade. sont know why, i just do!

review, please! any questions? I wasn't being very clear on this chapter, its late where I am, adn I suddenly started writing like an hour ago and didn't stop.. now im schleepy...