Kisame felt his eyebrows lower as he took in the three, supposedly S-rank, deadly ninja before him.
"You're all a bunch of horny school girls," he growled, covering his eyes with a large blue hand so he could temporarily shield his eyes from the sight of the unadulterated stupidity before him.
For several seconds, nobody said anything or moved. Kisame briefly wondered if his comment had seriously made them re-evaluate their lives and peaked through a tiny slit between his forefinger and middle finger to confirm his suspicions. Unfortunately, nothing of that sort had occurred. In fact, all three of them looked irrevocably fascinated with the hair on his knuckles considering the intense stares they (excluding Sasori) were giving him.
Hidan had even taken the liberty of sitting in the coffee table in front of Deidara and him.
"Don't just leave us there, Kisame, you bastard!" he yelled. The shorter man hunched forward and tilted his head to the side where he arrogantly propped it up with a ring-adorned hand. Suddenly he grinned like the psychopath he was and fixed his freakish magenta eyes on Kisame's one visible one. "Unless you like the idea of us all just sitting here like horny school girls," he teased.
"What the bloody fuck are you talking about, Hidan!?" cried Kisame, straightening up and practically jumping back into the couch and away from the lecherous looking platinum-haired man .
Just then, Deidara jumped into the poor blue man's field of vision, looking irritated and slightly flushed from embarrassment "Kisame! You told us we were horny school girls!" he hissed. "What's the rest of the role play? Or does Itachi just get off to the image of us dressed as horny school girls?"
Kisame froze - completely and utterly flabbergasted. He felt like he needed a whole lifetime to recover from the images of Hidan, Deidara and Sasori posed as horny school girls flashing through his mind. He spluttered uselessly for several seconds before he finally spoke sensibly. "I didn't mean for you to imagine that you were... like that... I meant that you all were acting like that with your interest in my partner's sex life. Deidara, I thought you wanted things like embarrassing sleeping habits, or awkward bunny slippers or something, not a list of who he takes to his bed. And Hidan, really? 'Sexcapades?' and 'Saints?' The guy massacred his clan for one and secondly, doesn't the whole concept of 'Saints' somehow offend your own religion?"
Hidan muttered a string of curses under his breath as he leaned back and slid off the table. He and Sasori both left the room deeming the tall man uninteresting, unknowledgeable and a waste of their time. Well, that and Hidan was also slightly offended. Deidara, however, hung on to him. He scooted closer and stared at him with one big, blue eye. "None of what you said were real blackmai- I mean 'personality-expressing characteristics!' Why do I care if he snores or indulges in home footwear? I want more than that! C'mon!"
Kisame scowled at him and resumed reading his newspaper.
Deidara tsked and blocked out the section he was reading with his hands. Frustrated, (but ever resourceful) he decided to use another tactic. "C'mon! Unless, you yourself don't know shit! Maybe you and Uchiha aren't as friendly as you thought, huh? Or maybe you're just jealous that he gets laid when you can't. Or maybe you and him are in a relationship instead! You heard how strict Pein was about that kind of stuff last meeting!"
Kisame whipped away the teen's hand and bared his impressive teeth. "Itachi and I are not in a romantic relationship!" he said loudly. "And I'm not jealous. I'm just... I have..." Kisame's demeanor suddenly did a one-hundred and eighty degree flip as he tried to finish his sentence. He went from a cool, angry tone too-,
"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ANYWAY. I TOTALLY HAVE BLUE PRIDE, YOU FEMININE BLONDE PRICK! YOU'RE NOT EVEN KONAN'S HEIGHT" -accompanied by a subconscious foot-stomp, a 'hmph!' sound and dramatic running out of the room.
Deidara almost felt bad for him (Kisame and he were on friendly terms normally) but he was too annoyed to exert himself with the efforts of rebuilding the blue man's now comically fragile sense of self-esteem.
They might have been a bunch of horny school girls but Kisame was like that insecure school girl who cried in the washroom because nobody asked her out to prom.
The blonde sighed and ran a finger through the ends of his hair. The worst part about the whole thing was that he had not gained any black mail information about Itachi – not even if he snored or not!
Chocking the whole thing's failure up to Hidan and Sasori's interruption, he left the room to go formulate a better plan for sabotaging the genjutsu user and ruining his good name. 'Somehow he managed to have a good name in an organization full of murderers and arsonist,' Deidara mused as he passed through the hallways. 'Does that make him really good at being evil? Or really good in a general sense and therefore bad at being bad?' He began to ponder some other incredibly deep and important questions.
The man was so caught up in his own thoughts he did not even sense the object of his thoughts approaching him from behind until a soft touch landed on his shoulder.
"WHAT?" he shrieked, turning around with a kunai in hand and another shoved deep into his bag of clay.
It was Itachi Uchiha himself, scowling deeply with the hand that had touched his shoulder now waving slightly in front of him. " I've called your name at least four times by now," he said slowly as if speaking to a child. He eyed the blonde's embarrassment with wary eyes.
Itachi was nothing if not perceptive and had easily assessed Deidara's ill-hidden hatred towards him the day he arrived. He could tell when the younger man was up to something, like now.
"I don't really care for you or your actions," he said coldly. He narrowed his eyes and stared him down, daring him to look away "But Kisame's holed himself into our private lounge room and refuses to let me in. His screams indicate that he's upset because of something you did so I suggest you fix whatever it is before I break the door down and tell Kakuzu that it was your responsibility." With that, the silent man easily sidestepped the shorter one and headed for one of the training grounds.
Deidara maintained a glare throughout Itachi's little speech but as soon as he was out of hearing range, he burst out into a psychotic grin.