Blue Christmas – Kelly Clarkston

Year 1.

"She's been out for days. Do you really think there's any chance?" Karev asked Arizona, as they peered into April's room from the window in the hallway. Jackson was passed out in the chair next to her bed where he had been stationed since Graycin's birth. There were still blue balloons and bouquets of flowers from nearly everyone in the hospital decorating the room. Clearly April had a lot of friends because he had never seen anything like it. Not only that, but Arizona had hung a strand of white Christmas lights in her room which were currently the only source of light. So the room glowed. It made sense, seeing as it was Christmas Eve and no one knew if they'd be leaving any time soon.

"I think," Arizona began, choosing her words carefully, "I think she'll wake up shortly and get to see her son. We have to think that Alex. We have to have hope. We have to believe that the surgery worked and that Graycin will show fewer symptoms of OI. We have to believe that April will wake up."

He knew that at this point Arizona wasn't trying to convince him, she was trying to convince herself. "We have to believe in the medicine, but we also have to believe in something more. For April."

Alex nodded. He wasn't normally a man of faith, but when Arizona needed him to believe, he could generally muster some kind of outlet for it. Maybe not a faith in God, but faith in the medicine. Faith in the world, faith that April would be ok because even he knew that she didn't deserve all of this. No matter how annoying she could be.

"If there's any time for her to wake up, it's Christmas. Right?" Arizona sighed, secretly wiping a eager tears from her face.

"Right." He agreed, rubbing her back softly. This whole thing wasn't easy on anyone. The entire hospital was more morose than usual.

Jackson was the biggest mess of all. They weren't sure he had been eating or sleeping and they barely remembered him leaving the room to shower. His mom and April's parents were there most of the day but when they left, he didn't. He always stayed.

After a moment, Alex spoke up. "We should go. Let them rest." He told Arizona, ushering her away from the room. It actually started to feel a bit intrusive after a while. Witnessing the way Jackson never let go of her hand while they slept seemed like something maybe they weren't supposed to actually witness. It was public but so incredibly private that he nearly felt guilty.

It was a few hours later when Jackson woke up. April wasn't awake. Jackson hadn't seen Graycin yet either. He hadn't wanted to leave April. But he knew maybe now was the time. His son was three days old and had only been visited by grandparents.

He kissed April's hand and softly laid it back down on the bed beside her. He had to stand up carefully because at this point everything hurt. His mind, his spirit and now his body. Being on the other side of this situation, as a physician, was never easy. But until now he'd never realized exactly how emotionally draining being in a situation like this could be. He'd never had a reason to. If they made it through this he knew it was going to change the way he practiced medicine.

The nurse inside the nursery knew why he was there. She'd been waiting for him for days. Losing more hope each day that he would actually come. "You can come in, Dr. Avery."

Jackson nodded, slowly walking into the nursery. He used the hand sanitizer that was at the station by the door before he touched anything.

He didn't have to look around the sea of newborns to find his. He could just see him.

"He's been a perfect little baby." The nurse assured him while she stuck her finger in the isolette to see if Graycin would wrap his fingers around it. He was so close to being able to but he was still a tiny, weak human and it was too early.

Jackson was silent. He was entranced by his little boy. His perfect little boy. He had light brown curls and blue green eyes. The dimples were clearly from April.

"This is Graycin?" He asked, not looking away from the little one. His voice was rough and he figured it was because he hadn't had anything to say in days.

The baby was so small, smaller than most of the babies he had seen before during his tenure as a doctor and as a surgeon. But he was born months early and he had OI. He had virtually no chance.

She stopped. "That's what you said Dr. Kepner wanted, right? Graycin Noah Avery?"

He nodded. "That's what she wanted."

The nurse smiled as she walked away, giving Jackson some privacy, "Then it's a done deal."

He stuck his finger into the isolette where the nurse had previously had hers.

His voice was thick and tired. "Hi little guy." Jackson smiled, entranced by the mixture of his and April's features he saw on his face.

"I'm your Daddy."

Graycin nearly smiled, Jackson could have sworn he saw it and so he spoke to him slowly. Once he saw him he didn't know how he went three days without. "I'm sorry I took so long to come see you. I hope you can forgive me. Your mother is really sick too. But we'll be ok, I promise you. I'm going to make sure you're both ok."

From the corner desk the nurse slumped. She had to leave because she did her research. The whole thing was just too sad for her. It was a lost cause.

I'm sorry. This one wasn't necessarily…happy either. But they get better after this. You know why they had to start out angsty. Because Japril is usually angsty. But stay with me until tomorrow and I promise you'll be happier!