Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 2

The Girl From the Messed-Up Moon

Hitomi Kanzaki shivered in fear as the glowing eyes surrounding her and Van crept closer and closer, deep growls from the shadows growing louder. Van gave her a comforting look.

"Chill, girl," he soothed. "They're cool. Heel, Ruhm!" He gestured to one of the growling animals, which, upon closer observation, turned out to be an animal-man. His whole body was covered in brown fur, but otherwise, he seemed quite human. Hitomi gaped at him in shock. Still snarling wildly, the animal-man stepped closer and stood upright.

"Grrr….gnnkkkk….hrrrrgh…" After coughing aloud and clearing his throat, Ruhm continued in a perfectly normal voice. "Ahem. Sorry 'bout that. I've got some serious sinus problems. Gets pretty congested up in there. And I mean that thick dark green snot that-"

"That's disgusting, man," Van stated matter-of-factly, cutting him off. He nodded towards Hitomi. "Ruhm, shake." The animal-man turned to the girl and smiled in a friendly fashion, holding out a paw-hand.

"Hello, little lady," he greeted. "My name's Ruhm, and I'm gonna GET you…"

"Ohmygoshohmygosh-" Hitomi's life began to flash before her eyes.

"…a nice ride to Van's hometown in my wagon! C'mon!" Ruhm finished in a cheery tone. Hitomi's heart began beating regularly as she gasped in relief. Slowly, she shook his hand and stood up.

"I told you they were nice," Van pointed out again as he climbed into the back of Ruhm's nearby wagon. Hitomi nervously followed suit and sat beside him.

"Now, be careful back there," Ruhm told her as he sat in the front and took the reins. "Try not to mess up my wagon, or else I'll be forced to…"

"Ohnohnohno-" Hitomi's body shook all over.

"…ask you nicely to not do it again! Haw haw haw!" Ruhm chortled and snapped the reins. As the yaks drawing the cart started forward, he glanced back at the pair. "Really, though. If you mess up my wagon, I'll kill you."

"Aha…hahahaha…" Hitomi laughed weakly.

"I'm dead serious this time."

"Oh God."

-A Short While Later-

"So, little lady, where are you from?" Ruhm asked over his shoulder. Hitomi gulped nervously as the cart jostled beneath her, traveling over the bumpy dirt road.

"Uh, I'm from-" she began.

"Oh no wait lemme make this easier." Ruhm leaned close to her rear and gave it a loud sniff. "Oh, ho! You're from the Messed-Up Moon, eh?"

"Whoa what?!" Hitomi jumped up and clapped her hands over her bum. "What're you doing?!"

"Learning more about you. Let's see." He sniffed again. "You're also a Sagittarius, slightly lactose-intolerant, and you've been constipated for two days now."

"Whu- buh- how are you doing that?!"

"He won't teach me," Van said glumly. "No matter how many times I ask."

Hitomi sat down in the back of the wagon and began rocking back and forth.

"I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I wanna go home…"

"Sheesh, what's with HER?" Van rolled his eyes at Ruhm, who shrugged.

"Look. That up there is the Messed-Up Moon," Ruhm said, pointing up at the sky. "Pretty, ain't it?" Hitomi glanced up and was shocked to see the Earth floating right up there in the sky, along with another, smaller moon beside it.

"How have those drugs from the hospital not worn off yet?" She moaned pitiably. "What did they give me?"

"Ruhm, PLEASE teach me-"

"I said no!"

-The Next Day-

"We're here!" Ruhm cried, reining his yaks in. Dawn had broken, and the land was awash with early morning light. "Look, girly! This is Fanelia!" Hitomi peeked over the wagon's edge and gasped in awe.

Fanelia was a sprawling town located amidst enormous mountains, lush forests surrounding the many houses and buildings. Windmills dotted the hills, turning lazily in the breeze. Townsfolk went about their business and began to gather around the new arrivals.

"Ahh…Fanelia." Van took a deep breath and sighed in contentment. "It's great to be home!" He leapt out of the wagon, slipped in yak manure, and his face promptly made acquaintances with the ground. Their meeting was rather…intimate. "…I take that back. It could be better."

Hitomi was all too happy to also get out of the wagon since her previously twice-broken ass hadn't made the ride any nicer, not to mention Ruhm's menacing presence had made it impossible for her to sleep. Or breathe.

Van slowly picked himself up off the ground and dusted his shirt off. Townsfolk clustered around the boy, smiling and waving. Van smiled back, face warming with-

"LORD VAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!"

"OKAY FUCK THIS PLACE." Van leapt back into the wagon and punched Ruhm's shoulder. "GO MAN GOGOGO-"

"GOTCHA!" A red-haired cat-girl in a yellow dress shot out of the crowd and tackled Van right off of the wagon with impressive agility. She giggled and snuggled with him on the ground. "Did you really think you could escape me?"

"…Nothing can escape you, Merle," Van mumbled unhappily. "Not even light." Merle dragged him up by the collar and began licking his face in joy.

"Ugh, she probably just finished cleaning herself," Hitomi thought privately (*BADUM-CHING*).

"I missed you SO much, Lord Van!" The cat-girl gushed. "I prayed so hard for your safe return, even slaughtered and sacrificed a goat-"

"Okay, Merle, you just crossed the line from 'sweet' to 'you need fucking help'," Van said slowly, eyeing her.

"Hey, at least I didn't use a baby!" She snapped.

"Only because I stopped you last time!" Van snapped back.

Before Hitomi could even begin to comprehend what the two were talking about, several burly men, including the large grizzled one with scars from her previous vision, came out of the crowd and approached Van.

"The Samurai…!" Merle reluctantly let go of him and retreated a few steps.

"Better late than never, Prince Van. I'm glad to see that you're not mince meat, like your brother," the scarred man said in a gruff voice. "Also there's no more hamburgers-"

"My…brother?" A menacing look came into Van's eyes and he scowled. "I said it before, Balgus, I have no brother! He's a loser, a vagabond, a-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Balgus cut him off. "Now about those hamburgers, GodDAMN they were good-"

"Wait I wrote down some really good ones-"

"Look, just show us that Drag-Energist thingie you got from the dragon to prove you're not a pansy-ass wuss."

"B…but I don't need the Energist to prove I'm not a -" Van began.

"Actually you kinda DO." The other Samurai all grumbled in assent as well.

Van, looking rather offended, pulled out the pink crystal and held it aloft for all to see. The crowd oohed and aahed at the sight and clapped their hands. Hitomi joined in after a moment, wondering what all the fuss was about.

"Wonderful, Lord Van." Balgus took the sphere from Van and nodded in satisfaction. "Let us prepare a feast for your coronation as King of Fanelia." He paused, considering. "I'm thinking hamburgers."

-Later That Day-

Later that day (where have I heard that before?), the esteemed warriors of Fanelia, the Samurai, began warming up their Guymelefs (huge robot things) for the upcoming tournament in celebration of Prince Van's coronation. One, a rather distinguished Guymelef with a large skull on its crotchular area, took the liberty of stopping and saying aloud, "Look, guys. I have a boner. Get it? There's a skull on my crotch so it's like I have a-"

"For goodness sakes, man!" Another Samurai hollered from his own melef. "If it wasn't funny the first time, what makes you think it'll be funny the next seventeen times?! God, I hope I get to fight against you! I am kicking your ASS!"

"…That was uncalled for."

-With Hitomi-

Hitomi gazed out the window at the mid-morning sky and sighed. The kind people of Fanelia were letting her stay at this house for free, because apparently they didn't take Mastercard or Mcdonald's coupons, which was all that she had on her. Hitomi felt the ache of homesickness in her stomach and thought maybe she had had too many pancakes that morning.

"Yukari…Amano…I miss you guys…" She murmured, closing her eyes and letting her head tip forward. Her mind began to wander and her body relaxed, drifting off into-

"Wake up, skank." A sharp voice snapped her back to reality. Hitomi shrieked and flung herself away from the windowsill to see the cat-girl, Merle, climb in from the roof and stare at her obscenely.

"What do you want?!" Hitomi cried in surprise.

"I just wanted to tell you…" Merle said menacingly, crossing her arms, "to step off my MAN." Hitomi blinked at her.

"…Are we going to have this conversation? Seriously?"

"Damn straight we are!" Merle sniffed. "Lord Van is mine! I've pissed on him and everything!"

"So that's why he smells like cat pee-"

"He's my territory!" Merle glared at the other girl, swishing her tail irritably. "Touch him and I'll scratch your face off."

"Oh, please!" Hitomi rolled her eyes. "You think I'm afraid of you?"

"I'm a cat," Merle told her. "Believe me, I'm expert at burying dead things. I might even bring you to Lord Van as a trophy!"

"Are you high on some kitty litter, or is it catnip?" Hitomi had had enough of this.

"Catnip?! You got some?!" Merle shoved past her and began rummaging through her gym bag.

"Hey! You can't do that! Hands off!" Hitomi hollered.

"What's with the dirty magazines?" Merle asked, holding one up. Hitomi blushed.

"Those aren't mine, I swear!" She paused. "…They're Yukari's! I was just borrowing them! I was curious!"

"What's this?! Condoms and lube?! I knew you were after Lord Van!"

"OH GODAMMIT YUKARI SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD I NEED THAT-"

"Ooh, purty!" Merle cooed, pulling out Hitomi's pink pendant. "Mine now. Bye." The cat-girl shot out the door and down the hall with Hitomi in hot pursuit.

"My Grandma gave that to me! Give it back!" She gasped, trying her hardest to shorten the distance between them. "Holy SHIT she's fast! Hey! Wanna join our track team?! We need the help and you've got great potential!"

Hitomi stopped short as she ran past an open door and cautiously peeked inside. In a darkened dojo, Van and Balgus were facing each other with drawn blades.

"Hee-YAAAAHHH!" Van shrieked a feral war cry before launching himself at the larger man. Balgus simply lifted a hand and easily batted Van's sword aside, sending the weapon flying to the other side of the room. Van stood there for a moment with his arm out, blinking rapidly.

"…Coulda sworn I was just holding a sword-"

"Prince Van, you need more practice. You don't charge aggressively enough." Balgus paused. "Your weedy little arms don't help much, either."

"There goes my self-image," Van muttered.

"You've got to charge at me like you mean to kill me," Balgus continued.

"But I don't want to, Balgus." Van shook his head sadly. "I hate…killing, and blood, and pain, and war. I don't know…if I ever could…"

"Think of me as your brother," Balgus stated. Van's face contorted in rage.

"Kill…blood must flow…must die…painful death…" He snarled out.

"That's the spirit." Balgus smiled, then finally noticed Hitomi at the door. He beckoned her closer. "Well, well. Come on in, young lady. What is it?"

Hitomi shyly approached and stared up at the enormous man in awe, his head almost brushing the ceiling.

"Your dick must be HUGE."

"Aaaaand it's time for the Coronation Ceremony," Balgus said quickly.

"Wait what-"

-At the Coronation Ceremony-

On a raised platform before the masses of Fanelia (and Hitomi), Balgus proudly presented Van with the Royal Sword of the King. Van, clad from head to toe in ceremonial armor, raised his head, expression solemn. He reached out a hand, took the sword, held it high…and promptly fell over in a crash of armor.

"Oh God it's all too heavy for him! I told you guys the armor weighed too much! Okay, I got it, we need a trade!" Balgus leaned over the now-King of Fanelia. "Quick, Van, what is your least favorite accessory?" He studied him for a moment. "I'd suggest the boots."

-Outside Fanelia-

Away from the festivities/debacle, two watchmen posted at the entrance of the town looked out over the rolling hills, keeping their eyes open for anyone approaching, namely Jehova Witnesses.

"You know what?" One said suddenly. "For some strange reason, I can't remember my name today!"

"I can't remember mine, either!" The other one said. The pair was silent for a long moment as they mulled this over. "We are so fucking dead."

Immediately liquid-metal claws shot out of thin air and impaled the pitiful, nameless men. Outer buildings were smashed in an instant, and a small army of unseen attackers entered the town, footsteps echoing ominously amongst the houses. Fanelian soldiers and Samurai rushed forward to defend their home, but were easily picked off.

"WOW, those Jehova Witnesses have gotten REALLY aggressive with their recruiting campaign!" One Samurai gurgled as he bled to death, his Guymelef impaled by a liquid-metal spear. "Can I…have…a pamphlet?" Then he died.

"Um, you guys DO know we could just locate the enemy by watching for footprints, right?" A rather intelligent soldier pointed out. The others stopped randomly stabbing at the air with spears and stared at him as if he'd gone mad.

"Are you daft?!" One cried. "Watch for footprints?! That's doesn't make ANY sense whatsoever!"

"Yes it does!" The solider insisted. "Just listen to-"

*SMASH!*

Just then an unseen enemy stepped forward and crushed the man underfoot. The others soldiers stared at his bloody remains in silent contemplation.

"Ohhhh, I get it, he does have a point," the other soldiers murmured amongst themselves. "We found one!" And then they were killed as well.

-Back With Van-

The battle in the town below could be seen from the coronation platform, and a Fanelian soldier came charging up the stairs on a horse.

"TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" He shrieked aloud.

"Dude, that is NOT funny-"

"Actually, it kinda is, considering we're ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE-"

"Lord Van," Balgus turned to the boy, expression grim. "We're under attack. You've got to run. Go get the Escaflowne from the shrine and get outta here. Alright?"

"No! Never! I'll never abandon my people!" Van growled, refusing to budge.

"Well, alright," Balgus grunted, "but they will most likely feed us our own intestines and jump rope with them if they win-"

"On second thought, fuck this country." Van scrambled out of the ill-fitting armor, back into his normal duds.

"Wait I haven't gotten to the part where they use our eyeballs in a game of marbles-"

"OKAY I GOT IT I'M GOING!" Grabbing Hitomi's hand, Van ran towards the shrine. The two entered, and Van strode onto the center of an elaborate mosaic painted on the floor. He solemnly gazed upwards at the chrysalis that hung from the ceiling. Hitomi saw it and made a face.

"How are we going to fight them with a caterpillar?!" She cried in despair.

"It's not a caterpillar!" Van barked.

"Oh." Hitomi paused. "How are we going to fight them with a spider-"

"It's a Guymelef, the Escaflowne!" Van exploded. He drew his Royal blade, and carefully began to slice his thumb open. "Now just hush while I- OH SHIT."

"Is that your thumb?" Hitomi stared at the severed appendage on the floor, eyes wide. "That's your thumb, isn't it?"

"Calm down, Hitomi," Van said through gritted teeth, holding his bleeding hand tightly. "I need you to-"

"HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIGHT THEM WITHOUT THUMBS?!"

"WELL WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A WAY!"

Luckily for Van, Hitomi knew some emergency First Aid and was able to sew his thumb back on (though she put it on backwards the first try). A bit pale from blood loss, he held his gore-covered Energist aloft, the chrysalis glowing in response. It cracked and crumbled apart, a pristine white Guymelef floating regally down to land on the floor in front of him.

"S'up," a deep voice echoed from within the confines of the melef. "I'm the Escaflowne. You my new driver?" It paused. "You got some weedy little arms, man."

"It talks?" Hitomi asked, blinking.

"S'up, babe."

"I don't know how to turn it off," Van muttered as he clambered up onto the melef. The chest portion popped open and Van slipped in, settling himself onto the pilot seat. He reached out and manipulated the controls, the Escaflowne's gears slowly churning as the melef came to life. Hitomi cocked her head.

"Listen! They're singing!" She said. The Gregorian monks were at it again.

"Eeeeessscaaaaafflllooowwwneee…Eeeeessscccaaaafffllooowwwneee…"

"Yeah, yeah. They do that when something significant is happening. C'mon, let's get outta here." The Escaflowne reached down and picked Hitomi up off the ground. Van, however, needed more practice as a Guymelef pilot.

"Organs…being…crushed…" Hitomi gurgled, cross-eyed. "Can't…breathe…"

"Oh shit. Sorry." Van held Hitomi more delicately. She blinked as the air to the right of them suddenly shimmered strangely, almost as if…

"To your right, Van! Something's there!" She cried in warning. Van jerked the Escaflowne that way, quickly reaching an arm back and yanking its sword out from behind its head. He narrowly brought the weapon up in time to block the lethal liquid-metal blade of one of the unseen attackers.

"They're invisible?!" He cried in horror. "My GOD these Jehovah Witnesses are tenacious!"

"Are you KIDDING me?!" Hitomi shouted at him.

"No! They're so stubborn it's almost admirable!"

"I HOPE THEY KILL YOU FIRST!"

The air behind the fighting pair shimmered, and the arm of a Guymelef appeared. It took aim at the Escaflowne, but before it could fire its liquid metal…

"I'll save you, Lord Van!" Balgus bellowed, appearing at the shrine entrance, clutching the handle of a 20-foot long sword. Straining all of his bulging muscles, veins popping out of his neck, Balgus HEAVED at the sword and…

Nothing. The enormous blade stubbornly refused to lift from the ground. Panting from exertion, he tried again. And again.

"J…just a second, Lord Van! Hrrgh! I'll…save you in a minute! HRRRRNGH!"

"Sure, yeah. Take your time." Van replied mildly from the cockpit of the Escaflowne. "Don't, like, pop a nut or anything." The invisible Guymelefs stood around awkwardly, waiting for Balgus to attack them. Hitomi drummed her fingers on the Escaflowne's fist and checked her watch.

-Later-

Balgus was still grappling with the sword, red-faced and sweaty, muttering curses while trying to force the weapon to budge an inch. Close by, the Escaflowne, Hitomi, and the invisible melefs were engaged in a dynamic card game.

"Got any tens?" Van asked in a bored voice, the cards tiny in the Escaflowne's huge hand. The unseen melef jiggled its one visible hand holding its cards back and forth: a negative response.

"Damn." Van peered intently at his cards. "Fine, I'll go fish. You've got one hell of a game face, I'll tell you that much."

-Even Later-

"Okay, we have got to do something," Hitomi said, having grown impatient. "We can't just sit here all day waiting for him. I can't feel my toes."

The enemy melefs moved their visible arms up and down rapidly: they agreed. One of them stepped forward, snatched the large sword away from Balgus ("I almost had it, you bastard! Give it back!"), sliced off one of its own arms, then jammed the blade into its faceplate. Now visible, the enemy Guymelef immediately keeled over and twitched a few times.

"…I'm awesome," Van said after a moment.

"It did it to ITSELF!" Hitomi cried.

"Yeah, cuz I'm awesome."

"Can we just GO?!"

"Fine, party-pooper." Van shrugged in agreement and the Escaflowne, Hitomi in hand, stormed out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Literally. Fanelia had been set ablaze by the enemy and was now a sizzlin' barbecue. Van gaped in horror as he watched everything that he once knew and loved burn into crispy oblivion. While he wept like a pansy, several more enemy Guymelefs surrounded the Escaflowne and began to take aim. But before they could strike…

"I'll save you, Lord Van! I swear I will this time!" Balgus charged out of the shrine and towards the enemy melefs with absolutely no regard for his own safety. He didn't even look left and right before crossing the street. "Last time was a fluke, I've got this one for su- Gaaak!" One of the melefs shot a beam of liquid-metal at Balgus and stopped him short. He fell to the ground, clutching his lethal wound, and painfully lifted his head for some final words. "L…Lord Van…listen-"

"I'm, uh, over here, Balgus."

"Oh. Sorry." Balgus squinted through blurred eyes and located the Escaflowne. "Lord Van…listen to me…you must escape, so you can have your revenge, because revenge solves everything. Especially when it's served cold with cocktails. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must die in the most excruciatingly horrific way possible to further your mental trauma and weaken your already fragile hold on sanity."

"All right." Van agreed. "Please continue."

"GAAAHHH! GNKKK! RAAWWWGGGHHH!" Balgus began clawing at his throat, eyes bulging, blood pooling beneath him in a crimson puddle. "Is that… hamburgers… I… smell?"

"Actually I think it's people-"

"Shh! Let him dream!" Van hushed Hitomi. "Yes, Balgus. Yes it is."

"Mmmm. Ham…bur…gers…" And with that, the large man flopped down in the dirt, dead.

"Well, this is fucked up," Hitomi stated matter-of-factly.

"Not as fucked as WE are right now!" Van pointed out, the enemy melefs and hungry flames crowding in closer.

"Oh, well." Hitomi shrugged, accepting her fate. "At least it's over quick, and I won't be seeing anything worse than an entire town slaughtered and cooked medium rare."

"You kidding?" The Escaflowne cut in with a laugh. "Honey, this has got nothing on the shit-storm that's heading your way, believe me."

Hitomi gaped at it in horror.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT-?!"

Responding to Hitomi's primal scream of fury, the oh-so-familiar beam o' light came to their rescue, blasting down from the heavens and scooping them up to safety.

"How long is this fucking series?" Hitomi growled to herself as she, Van, and the Escaflowne floated up, up, and away.

-Episode 2 End-