A stream of yellow sunlight shone brightly through the curtains, spilling across the face of a sleeping brunette whose eyes screwed up at the unwelcome intrusion. She had been snoozing peacefully until then. As soon as Michelle tried to squint into the light she let out a muffled groan; what little of the room she had seen had already began swimming and there was a dull ache spreading across her skull. Trying to piece together the fragments of the night before only seemed to increase the unpleasant squeezing, as though her brain was trying to protest against having to think. The backs of her eyelids glowed red when she snapped them shut against the rays and she reluctantly twisted her tired body away from the window.
"Well, aren't you a vision," A sarcastic voice forced her eyes open once more. Looking down at her, with a smug smirk across her face and one eyebrow raised, Carla grinned cockily at her friend. "How's the head?"
"You can wipe that dirty grin off your face," Michelle croaked, her own voice raspy and scratching the back of her throat. A wicked laugh sounded at her words, causing her to reach up and press her hand over the mouth it came from.
"Ey, look, I'm here to help if you'd actually look at me properly," Carla tutted after batting the other woman's hand away. She was reaching over to the bed side table and plucking a glass of water from it when Michelle grudgingly opened her eyes again, little by little so as to adjust them as painlessly as possible to the light. Taking hold of the drink Carla was offering, she took long, grateful gulps if the cool liquid, feeling it soothing her throat and her sudden thirst. After draining the glass in one go, she swiped her hand across her mouth and sat back against the headboard, trying for a second time to piece the night before together.
Carla watched Michelle's eyes sweep around the room until they fell on the wedding dress that was crumpled in the corner on the floor. She could see them filling with tears and quickly reached across to squeeze her hand.
"I know, I know it hurts. Waking up and remembering everything all over again."
The song finished before their kiss did. When they broke apart, hazel eyes met green and they waited. It was Carla who had spoken first, recovering from the shock faster than Michelle, who was still drunk and dazed, though not enough so that she couldn't feel the slight panic rising in her chest.
"I think you've had enough to drink. Why don't you get cleaned up and then we can talk?" Having noticed the alarm in her expression, Carla had reassuringly cupped Michelle's face in her hand, stroking down her cheek before gently turning her around so she could help her with the fastening on her dress.
"Thank you," Michelle murmured, struggling out of the form fitting gown, allowing it to crumple at her feet. She stepped out of it and stared at the garment with contempt, before reaching down to snatch it from the floor and throwing it angrily across the room. It landed in an undignified heap a little away from the bed, but Michelle didn't even give it a second glance as she stormed into her en-suite.
Carla let out a heavy sigh, making her way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. She took out two glasses, filling one with water and the other with the rest of the wine that hadn't made its way down Michelle's throat. Carla already knew what the wine would taste like. Raising her hand, she pressed her fingertips to her lips, thinking for a moment before shaking her head. No. She wasn't going to dwell on anything, she was going to take care of her friend.
"Chelle?" She called out to her from the kitchen, picking up both drinks and starting to head back into the bedroom. She found her friend curled up on top of the duvet, she'd changed into a satin, lavender pyjama short set and her face had been scrubbed of make up. It made her look younger, even more heartbroken somehow. Her eyes were closed and she hadn't acknowledged Carla's reappearance.
Assuming she was out for the count, Carla abandoned the drinks on the bedside table and quietly set about finding herself something to change into. Settling on one of Michelle's nightshirts, she made sure her own clothes were folded neatly over the dressing chair before making her way around to the other side of the bed. Thinking she'd attempt to coax her friend into manoeuvring under the duvet, she reached across to give her a gentle nudge, but found that Michelle's eyes were wide open, glassy and red. They looked so sore.
"'Chelle, come here," Carla mumbled, peeling back the duvet further and shuffling closer to the other woman.
Tears spilled once more down Michelle's cheeks as she allowed herself to be bundled up into her friends embrace, her own arms sealing themselves around Carla and clinging on as though it was all that was holding her together. In that moment, it's what it felt like. There was nothing that could be said that would make things better, so Carla allowed her friend to cry her pain out. Alternating between stroking her back and pressing gentle kisses against her forehead, she comforted the woman as she cried, a lump forming in her own throat as the weight of the last few weeks settled in her chest.
Michelle took a deep, shuddering breath, her face sticky with half tried tears as she glanced up at Carla, who gave her a small, sad smile.
"We just keep losing everything, everyone," The younger woman whimpered, allowing the other brunette to gently brush her cheeks free from moisture. Her skin stung slightly, sore from the salty trails.
"I'm still here, I'll always be here," Carla didn't have a direct answer. There wasn't one. Michelle was right, it seemed all they'd ever known as a family was loss, heartbreak, having the rug snatched from under their feet. They'd been through it all together and that was the only hope that Carla clung onto. Together. Whatever they had faced, they'd been by each other's side.
"Do you promise?" Michelle whispered, knowing even as she asked that Carla couldn't possibly promise such a thing. A ripple of panic pulsed through her body at the thought that one day she could wake up and be truly alone. Surely life couldn't be that cruel?
"I promise I will never willingly leave you." Even as she said it, snakes of guilt squirmed in the pit of Carla's stomach. She tried not to think about the occasions in which she'd almost broke this promise. Deciding there and then that she would never put Michelle or her family in a position where they couldn't go to her if they needed her, she gently tipped the other woman's chin with her fingertip. "I promise, Michelle." She repeated, leaning in closer until they were nose to nose.
Michelle didn't want to over analyse Carla's words, in that moment she believed she meant them. She was exhausted. She wanted to bask in the comfort of her words.
Neither of them were sure who had initiated it this time, both finding contentment in a gentle, lingering kiss; a silent 'goodnight' before they curled further into one another's arms and finally gave in to fatigue.
"Michelle?" Carla's arm had slipped around her shoulders and despite feeling confused as the memory of the night before seeped slowly back to her, she couldn't help leaning into her friend. Carla was comfort and reassurance, that was something that she could be certain of.
"I'm sorry," She turned to face the older woman and saw that she had a confused frown on her face. "For putting all this on you, for getting myself in a state and-"
"No, no, just stop. Stop right there." Carla brought her finger up and held it against Michelle's lips, silencing her before tipping her chin. "Anyone in your position would be upset, so you've got no need to apologise for that. Secondly, don't ever say sorry for expressing how you feel. I'm here if you need to talk, cry, rant, whatever you need. You have to promise me now, that you'll keep talking to me. Please, Michelle, don't bottle things up. Don't ever feel like you can't tell me things, day or night. Swear to me?" Carla's eyes had filled with tears at the end of her speech, both of them knowing who had sprung to the front of her mind. The loss was still raw.
"Only if you promise me, too," Michelle murmured, reaching up to cup her hands around Carla's face, stroking her thumbs over the woman's cheeks. "I know you're hurting, I know you don't like to show it, but I know you. I know you better than I know myself."
The smiled at each other and Michelle stretched up to place a gentle kiss to Carla's forehead, brushing her hands down over her hair.
"Deal." Carla agreed, linking their fingers together and giving them a gentle squeeze.
It was silent for a moment. It wasn't awkward, but the room buzzed with things left unspoken.
"Last night..." Michelle started, but soon trailed off, realising she had no idea what she had been about to say.
"It's alright, 'Chelle." For the first time, Carla was avoiding her eyes, which made the other woman feel guilty.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have- I mean- I didn't-"
"It was both of us." She didn't have an explanation, she hadn't even had anything to drink. Carla had kissed her back, relished in the comfort and in the cold light of day, she couldn't think of one excuse as to why she had.
Michelle bit her lip and fell silent, trying to work out how she felt. But it still wasn't awkward. Maybe that's what she was struggling to contemplate. Surely the aftermath of drunken kisses went one of two ways? Lingering embarrassment or laughed off and swept under the carpet. No harm done.
"It wasn't a mistake." She finally spoke, trying to articulate her feelings without scaring the other woman away. Tears burned in her eyes once more, the last thing she needed was for their friendship to collapse again. "I mean, drunken kisses are- are supposed to be like, 'tacky', aren't they? With someone you don't really care about and- and it's usually something you regret doing." Chancing a glance up at the other woman's face, she was relieved to see that Carla didn't look angry and so swallowed and took a breath before continuing. "But you're not a mistake and I care about you, I hope you don't think that I was just using you or-"
"Of course I don't think that!" Carla cut across her, shaking her head. "I kissed you back. I did. And I hadn't had anything to drink. Just don't ask me why I did, because I really don't think I've got an answer for that. I just wanted to." It was a relief to have said it out loud, but it didn't lift the weight for long. Crippling panic took its place.
"Look, 'Chelle, emotions were high last night. You've just cancelled your wedding, split up with your fiancé, we're both grieving for Aiden."
Michelle nodded in agreement, though it still felt like more could be said. It was true, they were a bit of a mess right now. But they'd been in messes before. She could feel Carla's gaze on her and glanced up, shocked to see a very slight smirk pulling at the corner of the other woman's mouth.
"What?" Michelle questioned, tilting her head to the side. Her friend shrugged.
"It was a great kiss though, wasn't it?"
They both laughed, any lingering tension in the room suddenly lifted. Michelle shuffled closer to Carla, resting her hands on her knees.
"You know, we've been in hard situations before and nothing like this has ever happened." Michelle whispered, tucking a strand of the other woman's hair behind her ear, allowing her fingertips to rest on her defined jaw.
"You're sober now," Carla whispered, staying exactly where she was as Michelle leant in closer. "So... how do you...?" The last of the air to finish her sentence was stolen from her lungs when the younger woman pressed their lips together. They both froze in that position, allowing a few moments to pass before Michelle boldly moved against the kiss, capturing a full, lower lip between her own. The action caused Carla to let out a soft sigh, goosebumps travelling along her arms as she reciprocated fully. Tangling one hand in Michelle's hair, resting it against the back of her head, she held her closer still. As soon as her lower lip was released she parted them slightly, inviting the other woman to deepen the kiss. Michelle complied, a whimper leaving her mouth as she entered Carla's, who curled an arm around her waist and held her tighter in response.
It felt right, in that moment. That was really the only reason Carla could think of. She had never kissed anyone before that she hadn't automatically lusted after beforehand. The physical always came before the emotional. Maybe that's why she felt as though no one had kissed her like this in her life. But she didn't want to think too much. She caught Michelle's lower lip between her teeth and nibbled softly, eliciting a deep groan from her younger friend who then responded with vigour.
It was bliss. Her mind was blank; nothing but the feel of Carla's lips against her own mattered. Just for a second, there was no pain, no loss. Sadness was so heavy but now her chest was light, full of delicate butterflies. It felt like everything was okay: she needed to feel more of that. Her fingertips trailed down Carla's sides and came to rest on her hips. She could feel the other woman's hair tickling her cheeks as they worked against one another. Her lips were hard and gentle at the same time, and it was only when she felt a hand trailing under the satin of her pyjama top and stroking across her stomach that she let out a gasp; Carla pulled away almost instantly from the kiss.
"'Chelle," She breathed, touching their foreheads together and watching as her eyes fluttered open.
Michelle found herself staring straight up at Carla, wondering how she'd ended up against the pillows with the older woman atop of her. She couldn't remember moving. They allowed themselves a moment to catch their breath, both women were panting heavily, eyes glazed and lips swollen.
"This isn't a good idea," Carla whispered, taking Michelle's hands and gently pulling her upright, a reassuring smile on her lips. "I'm not saying it's a mistake. It's just not the right time, darling."
"I know, I know," Michelle sighed, still trembling slightly from such a heated moment. "It was just nice to shut everything out."
"That's exactly why we shouldn't, we have so much to do, so much to figure out. We've got a funeral to arrange, we're still grieving."
"I didn't mean I was using you to block out the bad things, you're more than that, it feels like more than-"
"I know." Carla cut across her, giving her hands a reassurance squeeze. "I know that's not what you were saying." Reaching up, she cupped the younger woman's cheeks and have her am affectionate smile.
"We will revisit this, okay? This isn't me avoiding the situation. We need to let the dust settle, that's all."
Nodding in agreement, Michelle allowed Carla to kiss her forehead before they finally released one another.
"I get that, I mean.. Oh, God, I've got so much to do." She stressed, pushing her hair out of her face. "I've got to call around, well, everyone. I've got to cancel the flowers and the music. Thank goodness we were only having it at the Bistro."
"Do you want my help with anything?"
"You're a darling, but I'll be okay to do it."
Carla watched as Michelle scrambled out of the duvet and wandered towards the door. "You can use the shower first if you want?"
"Why, where are you going?"
"I can't sit around moping, can I? I'm going to make us breakfast."
She shot the older woman a smile, which Carla returned. Her eyes were still pained, even a little bloodshot from her upset the night before. It wasn't the end of their sorrow, far from it. But for now, they could relish in the small comforts.
"That's my girl."
A/N: Thank you for reading! Any follow up chapters from here may have references to suicide. I'll put trigger warnings where appropriate and I won't be going into detail of the act itself, but the mindset behind it. If you feel like this could be damaging to your health, read when you're with a trusted friend/adult or perhaps consider discontinuing. I don't want to upset or offend anyone. Stay safe!
-Blue x