Story 02: Worse for Wear - Ohio Universe (Ella, age 7)

"Hey mom, look! It's a Eskimo!" Violet exclaimed as she pointed to the remains of the slice of pie she had been shuffling around on her plate.

Brittany leaned over and smiled widely at the mess as she apparently saw what Violet was talking about, "And he's fishing!" she laughed.

Violet nodded enthusiastically and quickly turned the mess to Ella who frowned mildly, it just looked like pie crumble to her. Not wanting to be left out she forced her cheek to lift in a weak smile and offered a small laugh. Satisfied Violet took her plate back and began adding something else to the abstract art.

Ella watched frowning slightly, wondering, not for the first time, if they were just messing with her. Her mother and Violet always seemed so in tune and were constantly laughing at things she didn't know were jokes. It hadn't really bothered her that much before now because a lot of the time Santana would seem just as lost and they would share a laugh born of their combined lack of understanding, but Santana wasn't there. And even if she was she wouldn't talk to Ella, not unless it was to yell about her behavior.

Her frown deepened and she poked her own slice of pie trying to see something in it besides destroyed pastry.

"What's wrong, baby?" Brittany asked, noting Ella's continued silence.

"Nothing," she responded reflexively. It was her default answer to that question and had been since the day when she had come home to find Santana kissing Ms. Novak and everything stopped making sense.

Her mother seemed to notice that the statement wasn't entirely true, but didn't press the matter, because she also seemed to know that Ella really didn't want to talk about it. A worried look crossed her features before she rubbed Ella's back softly trying to give comfort that the small girl couldn't really feel since she didn't think she deserved it. She felt like she should have told her mother about what she saw Santana doing, but she didn't and she couldn't. Ella had no idea what any of it meant for their family, but she was sure sharing would make things really bad. And even though she had threatened to tell she didn't want Santana to hate her any more than she already did. She missed her so much already and only wanted her love again, telling on her seemed like a sure way to lose it forever.

Brittany stared like someone who was dying to find out what was on her mind but Ella kept her thoughts locked up and distracted herself with finishing the pie she had lost interest in.

"I gotta go to the bathroom," Violet announced before she hopped up and moved through the small restaurant to the bathroom nearby.

Ella watched in slight trepidation because she was pretty sure she knew what came next.

"You've been really quiet today," Brittany said softly.

"Not really hungry," she replied pushing her plate away.

Brittany considered that a moment, "You know if you ever want to talk to me about something I'm here."

"I know."

"I wish we could do this as a one on one thing. I feel like maybe you might be more willing to share if we were alone."

She hoped not, "There's nothing to share."

"Maybe I can ask Quinn to take one of you every other week so we can." she said thoughtfully.

"I'm not hiding anything!" She exclaimed a bit louder than necessary.

"I'm not saying you are," Brittany laughed. There was silence for almost twelve seconds before her mother bounced off to the next topic, "Oh! I meant to ask you. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Uh…" she hesitated because she remembered reading her top pick off in class and listening to Bradley laugh at her. She didn't care, she thought he was really stupid anyway, but then he had mentioned how weird it was for her to want one. And the last thing on earth she wanted was to seem weird to the only parent left to her.

"Come on you have to have some idea," Brittany prompted poking her lightly in the ribs and forcing a smile to her face.

Just then Violet came back and plopped into her seat heavily, "Hey, where does toilet water come from?"

"I think it's leftover sink water," Brittany said thoughtfully.

Violet giggled and so did her mother after a moment. Ella was lost again. Were they serious? Because she was relatively sure that was wrong… or was it? Maybe she had thought the wrong thing the whole time, would she look stupid if she asked? Since everyone in her class hated it when she pointed out their mistakes she decided, regardless of whether she was wrong or they were, there was no positive outcome to questioning things further.

"So I was just asking Ella what she wanted for Christmas, what about you?"

"Jimmy Neutron bed sheets," she said instantly before returning to her pie art.

"Ella, you think of anything?"

"I…" She stopped again. She wanted to just ask for a chemistry set, but what if Bradley was right? As stupid as she thought he was, her mother and Violet proved constantly that there were things she just flat out didn't get for some reason or another. And just because he was stupid didn't mean he couldn't be right.

"You don't know what you want for Christmas?" Violet said incredulously looking completely miffed.

Fearful that she was being weird by not answering she turned to her mother and said the first thing that came to mind, "A compass."

She assumed that was a good answer, because her mother only nodded, smiled and finished her own slice of pie.

Ella felt bad for lying. She wasn't sure why she should, it wasn't like it actually mattered what she wanted for Christmas, however changing her answer, like everything else, felt wrong.

But no mater how wrong it felt she would continue to lie and tell a thousand more if it meant that her mother would love her still. She couldn't handle mom and Santana hating her, it would be too much and if it was at all within her control she wouldn't let it happen.

Ella age 13

Shifting her position to tuck her legs under herself Ella turned her silver compass over in her fingers. It was still one of her favorite gifts even if it had been rather spur of the moment. Recalling the past in the top branches of a half-built tree house with Violet looking through endless brochures she was able to remember how things had been before.

Not that she didn't like them now, even with all the radical changes their family had undergone.

A couple of years ago her mothers had sat her and her sisters down and they'd had a calm discussion about another addition to their family.

Aurora had been almost five at the time and as such only saw a new baby as someone else to play with, she and Violet however had been old enough to know the reality of the situation. There would be major changes in their household if another child was born, but her parents spent the evening explaining what they meant to do to keep things as normal as possible and that this would be their last pregnancy. In all honesty Ella was fine with it, the thought of them having another baby made her happy because it meant they were happy with each other and that was all she was truly concerned about. Violet had been her usual self and asked if she could pick out a name, when Brittany explained they were going with their top picks from before Aurora was born she pouted for a bit. Until Violet pointed out that Zeke rhymed easily with geek and freak, making her possible brother a primary teasing target. With that she was able to convince them that Zachary was just as good making her exceedingly happy to have had a hand in the naming process.

The talk had gone well, everyone involved was in unanimous agreement that they were okay with one more child. Her parents sold both cars to get a minivan and Aurora's room was modified to get ready for its future inhabitant.

Unfortunately, for all their hard work in arranging the room, it turned out that the new baby came with a sibling of its own.

This threw the Lopez household into a total frenzy.

They had to move out of their old house, because it was not large enough for a family of seven no matter how they divided up the rooms. On the upside they were a little closer to the Puckerman's. Her momma had quit her job at McKinley and now worked at a private school as a cheerleading coach; she had also taken up a second job on the weekends as a personal trainer to aspiring gymnasts, which paid much more than the school and the school paid a lot. She also now co-owned the Buckeye, something uncle Puck said helped him out, but Ella figured it was because he knew they needed any extra cash they could get. Even her mom had buckled down and learned how to work a computer, primarily she managed a website for Santana but dabbled in everything from eBay to web design for local businesses.

Her whole life had changed with the arrival of the twins, Zach and Simone, and between them and Aurora the house was constantly filled with a child's laughter or tears, but it wasn't something that disturbed her in the least. And though she missed their old home and had always hoped to go to McKinley under her momma's instruction, she was very pleased and completely content.

Well, not completely.

Here in the tree house her momma and Puck had partially finished she found herself thinking of her unpleasant past, because it held something her present didn't. Something she wished she had now since she felt it would make her life so much easier.

"What are you brooding about over there?" Violet asked, scowling at the paper in her hands.

"Nothing," it was what she always said when something was wrong, and she had long ago forgotten why.

"Right," her sister also possessed the knack to detect the lie and the knowledge of when not to push it. "I don't know what I want to do." she sighed looking over the brochures in her hands.

A few science fairs and local technology competitions caused colleges to already take note of her sister; the girl was waist-deep in scholarship offers before she had even started high school.

"I though you wanted to do something with planes."

She sighed again, "Not for a living. I mean I like aeronautics and building the little models and I really like it when a new idea I think of works, but… I don't see me doing it every day until I retire."

"I guess just think of what you can see yourself doing."

"My dream job would be to work on something new in a totally different field every day."

"A substitute teacher then?" Violet gave her an unamused stare, "At a college of varying degrees?" Ella tried to correct.

"I just don't want to be stuck in any one profession you know? You always hit this cap that no one can breach and if you manage to everyone in your field freaks out and swears up and down you're wrong cause they didn't think of it first and only after you're dead and gone does anyone pay you any mind."

Ella squinted as a breeze shifted the branches above them allowing the sun to beat in on her, "Um, okay."

Tossing the pamphlets aside she rubbed her temples, "What do you want to do?"

"No idea," she said easily.

"Well get ready, because the world expects you to have it figured out before you know how to drive."

"I think I want to work with kids, maybe be a teacher like momma."

Violet considered that, "Really? With Zach and Simone in there pitching a fit, you want to make that into a career?"

"I never said I was going to work with infants but I wouldn't mind it. I like babies."

A sly grin appeared on Violet's face, "I'm sure Jayden will be happy to help you out there."

Ella almost winced at the sound of her boyfriend's name because it brought her back to the problem she had been trying to forget, "Working with other people's kids is different from having your own."

"I figured with you being so baby crazy you'd be all about starting your own family."

She glared at the term 'baby crazy' but knew it was merely Violet trying to get more of a rise out of her and didn't take the bait.

"And what about you? Forget babies you are the most popular girl in school and you haven't dated anyone for more than a week."

"Okay as for that most popular BS you should know Jayden makes it very clear that anyone who so much as flirts with you will be buried under the school. Lots of people want to hook up with you, it's just your boyfriend is built like a linebacker and no one is that stupid… you know, except for Bradley."

Ella chuckled, the boy that had teased her so in elementary school had become a close friend in later years, a close friend she sensed wanted to be more, and Jayden sensed it too which was why her friendship with him as of late had been phone-based for Bradley's sake.

"You're avoiding the question."

Violet grabbed a handful of the pamphlets and showed them to her sister, "These are my romantic interests at the moment. I mean, I'm all for romance and finding the right person, but as of now the right person is going to have to find me. I have too much I want to do in life to search the globe for the perfect someone."

"What happens if you meet them and you're too wrapped up in your work?"

She shrugged, "If they're really right for me they'll know that they're going to have to wrestle my work out of my arms if they want to fit in them."

"Hmmm. I'm interested to see what kind of person that would be."

"I kind of am too, but I'm not holding my breath. If it's true love then it'll happen regardless of what career I pick."

Ella looked down at the compass in her hands and watched it sparkle in the sunlight, "What if there is no such thing?"

"As someone who's right for me?"

"As true love."

"I'm sorry, have you ever met our parents?"

Flipping the compass open she watched the needle dutifully show North and, coincidentally, the direction of their old house. "Yeah," was all she said before she snapped it shut.

A scuffling sound reached their ears announcing the arrival of Aurora as she scampered up the ladder nailed into the tree, leaves sticking out of her black hair and her blue-green eyes shimmering with excitement.

"I found a frog out by the creek! Violet, help me catch it!" she exclaimed, knowing better than to try and drag Ella out into the mud.

"I would, but I'm busy at the moment, kiddo."

The answer clearly didn't please the girl and she turned to Ella with a sigh, "Think mom'll help?"

"No, I don't think she will since she and momma told you not to leave the yard."

There were untamed woods beyond the fence of their yard and their younger sister delighted in seeing how far out she could venture and what kind of animals she could see while doing so. Even though it had led to countless bug bites, bee stings, scrapes, cuts and one broken arm. That last one had gotten her banned from going anywhere near the sparse fence behind their house, but it clearly didn't stop her from venturing out when everyone was distracted.

"I didn't go far," she said in a tone that left neither of her sisters convinced.

"He's probably gone now anyway," Violet chuckled.

With a huff the small girl plopped down next to Ella who was glad for her presence, her conversation with Violet had ruined the slight calm she had felt and she decided to dwell on the present, merely ignoring the parts about it that bothered her.

"What are you doing?" Aurora asked seeing Violet return to her pamphlets.

"Asking Ella what her problem with love is."

"You don't like love?" the girl questioned.

"Violet!" Ella snapped.

Seeing that she had touched a taboo subject Violet quickly added, "No, she's just so in love with Jayden."

"Oh."

Ella picked leaves out of Aurora's hair slowly as she pondered that. She wasn't sure if it was true or not, she kind of thought she might be in love with him, but how would she know? And as for him being her one and only…

She could imagine what it would be like to love him, she really wanted a family and could easily picture him as a good and caring father. It may have been a crazy thing to imagine when she hadn't even slept with him or anyone before, but it was easy nonetheless.

What she couldn't imagine was being in a relationship with someone and being as in love with them as her parents were with each other, and even if by some miracle she did find such a person who loved her that much, what would it matter? All the love her parents had and her momma had still been kissing another woman and likely more than that.

"Can I use your compass? I think it might be easier to get home from the woo… uh, backyard with it." Aurora asked pointing to the device still in her sister's hand.

"Good save," Violet chuckled.

"You can't have mine but you can ask mom for one. This one has my name one it, so it's just for me."

Aurora observed the engraving and her already bright eyes practically sparkled, "You can get one with your name on it?"

"Yeah."

Her little sister was ready to scramble down the ladder when a voice floated up to them from below, "Girls, dinner!"

Recognizing Santana's voice Aurora flung herself at the waist-high border of their half done tree house, "Momma, can I have a compass?" she called down.

If Santana was thrown by this it didn't show on her face, "We'll see, depends on how long it takes you to get down here and ready to eat."

Ella felt the air shift and mere seconds later saw the girl speeding into the house, Santana watched her go with a bemused smile before turning to her remaining two children, "You know she'll eat it all if you don't hurry."

As Aurora did seem to be a bottomless pit Ella made a point of exiting the tree quickly followed shortly by Violet who had to take a moment to collect her pamphlets.

The door opened to the bustle of their mom trying to wrestle two toddlers into high chairs they didn't want to be in. However, the sandy-haired twins were amateurs and she had them both ready to be fed in no time; Ella grinned as she saw them. She really did like children, maybe she would be a single parent. That appealed more than the potential tragedy one opened themselves up to if another person was involved.

Her momma had made another amazing spread and they ate in as much silence as such a large family could manage but soon, once the initial hunger was sated, casual conversation began.

The first to speak was Santana as she attempted to give Zach a mouthful of baby food he seemed think to looked better on the floor, "Did you pick a school yet Violet?"

"Not yet, don't know what I want to do," she summarized before taking a mouthful of potatoes.

"No rush though," Brittany added while skillfully keeping Simone from reaching into the jar of baby food that hovered in front of her high chair.

"Ella wudder joo goin' t'do win joo gwrow up?" Aurora asked with a mouthful of peas; a level look from Brittany got her to swallow before repeating, "What are you going to do when you grow up?"

"I don't know. I think I want to work with kids, but I don't know how."

Aurora's eyes squinted as she considered the answer, "Are you and Jayden having kids?"

"No," Ella replied quickly seeing the sharp stare coming from both parents.

"Oh, I though you loved him a whole bunch."

"C-can we talk about something else?" she said embarrassedly, picking at her food.

"How come? You shouldn't be ashamed of who you love, right mom?" Aurora asked checking to see if her statement had been recalled correctly.

Brittany smiled and nodded, "That's right sweety, but Ella isn't embarrassed of him she just doesn't want to talk about their relationship with everyone."

"I don't get it," Aurora said shoveling more food in her mouth.

"Slow down," Santana said to Zach who was now trying to eat all the baby food and the spoon it came in on. Upon seeing the way her middle child was downing her peas she elaborated, "Both of you."

"I over exaggerated her feelings on Jayden a bit, she doesn't love him that much." Violet said.

"How come?"

Ella sighed.

"Because I don't believe in that kind of thing Rora," she said trying to speak low enough for only her sister to hear, but it reached her parents' ears anyway.

Brittany seemed miffed, "You don't believe in love?"

"No, I do just-" she placed her fork down, "I don't believe in it for Jayden and I, can I be excused please?" she said quickly.

More lies, and they made her just as uncomfortable as the ones she had told in the past, because her mother was looking at her with eyes that trusted every word. And her momma was looking at her with a concerned expression that looked like it was working out things in her head even she didn't understand yet.

Desperate to be alone and not amongst a group of people who all seemed to want to discuss her biggest insecurity, she took her plate to the kitchen and to her room before anyone had so much as excused her.

The next day after school Ella found herself up in the tree house again for reasons she still hadn't worked out, the outdoors were nowadays more of a Violet and Aurora thing, but as of late it had been rather comforting to be so high off the ground. Like the solution to all her problems was a change in elevation.

Her phone buzzed with a text, from Jayden no doubt, and she ignored it because whatever it was he wanted would inevitably have her leaving the tree house and she didn't want to.

Taking her compass out of its well-worn pouch she placed it on the edge of the half wall that made up the tree house and looked out in the direction it assured her was North, even though she already knew which way that was by now. She liked to think she could see the top of her old house from here, but realistically she knew she was probably off by a mile or so.

When she allowed her thoughts to drift back down to earth all the worries she had hit her at once and once again she retreated to her memories of the past. Back then she had been at an age where she still could believe in a happily ever after. Unfortunately she couldn't remember much before finding Ms. Novak in her house kissing her mother, but she did remember the other Santana, she remembered wondering what she had done when she got back home. Her parents had known each other in two worlds, in one they had been married with a family and in the other they had broken up. When she was small she had wanted to believe that the Santana she had met had gone off, found her mom and married her again, but now that she was older she felt like that was silly. Because even if they had stayed together always it didn't change the fact that their love wasn't enough.

She snapped the compass shut and stared North like the answer to life's questions might be coming over the horizon. But they weren't. There were no answers for what she felt, it was what it was and all she wanted was for a moment to be able to believe in true love again. She wanted that for herself, to be swept off her feet by someone who made her feel like she was the most important person in the world and never feel cause to doubt them, if not now then sometime. But she couldn't, she couldn't be the teen who was sure her boyfriend really loved her at such a young age, because her parents had met in middle school and still…

The circular thinking was interrupted by Violet climbing steadily up the ladder, Ella was ready to tell her that she'd rather be alone when she heard a voice behind her that didn't belong to her sister.

"We really need to finish this thing," Santana said looking out over the neighborhood, "Mainly I'm afraid that the longer it goes unfinished the likelihood of Aurora doing some insane stunt off the side will increase."

"I won't let her, she knows she's not allowed up here alone," Ella said straightening up, trying to figure out what prompted this visit.

"She's not allowed in the woods either and yet that's where I find her half the time."

Ella nodded and tried to discern Santana's intent, she usually didn't climb up unless she was actively building the tree house.

"What brings you up here?" she asked casually, deciding to give up guessing.

"You," Santana replied sitting cross legged in front of her.

"Why?"

Her eyes shifted before they met Ella's again, "About what you said last night."

Off the top of her head she couldn't remember anything that could have gotten her mother's attention until a faint thought clicked, "I swear I'm not sleeping with Jayden if that's what you're thinking."

Her jaw tensed slightly, "It wasn't… but that's good to know."

"Oh, then what do you mean?"

"I wanted to ask what you meant about not believing in love."

She winced slightly, she had kind of hoped Santana had forgotten that, "Nothing really, it was about Jayden and-"

"Please don't lie to me Ella," she said and there was a desperate pleading in her eyes that wrestled the truth from her daughter's lips.

"I just don't," she said with a small shrug.

"This is about what happened before," they both knew what she meant.

"No. I don't know. Maybe. I guess."

She bounced from response to response, finding that the closer she got to the word yes the more truthful she sounded.

Santana rubbed her neck harshly hanging her head, "Shit, Ella I-"

"You don't have to explain. It's not about you, not really. I just like Jayden and I think that's all I ever will do so I'm kind of wondering why I should bother to keep seeing him."

"What I did was inexcusable and you shouldn't let that mess up what could be something wonderful in your life. Right now you're too young to start a real romance but one day you will be old enough and it's best to keep an open mind until then. Maybe it'll be with Jayden, even though I think he's a complete tool, or someone else."

Ella flipped her compass open again and watched the needle tremble Northbound before she snapped it shut once more, "I don't see anyone loving me as much as you and mom love each other."

Santana chuckled, "Is that what you're worried about?"

"No," she said and now her voice was so quiet it almost disappeared into the light breeze that went through the branches of the tree, "I'm worried that even if I did it won't be enough."

Her mother frowned, "Enough to what?"

Ella rubbed her fingers over the name engraved in the shining silver of her compass, "To keep either of us from hurting each other."

Though she hadn't stated specifically how, Santana obviously made the connection, her eyes fell again and Ella felt bad, because she had never wanted to broach this subject ever again. It was something ugly and dark in her history and discussing it was never something she wanted to do.

"I love your mother very much and what happened between Selena and I wasn't because I stopped loving her."

Not wanting to know any more Ella nodded and tried to stand but Santana placed a hand on her shoulder making her keep her seat, "You don't have to defend yourself about her," Ella said hoping to end the conversation.

"I know I don't, but obviously not talking about it has done more harm than good. I've messed up so much in my life, but I will not let this become one of my many mistakes. I don't want you giving up hope of a happy future before you're even in high school."

"But I'm being realistic. Let's pretend that I loved Jayden with all my heart and he loved me the same, clearly it doesn't matter because one of us is still capable of…" she trailed off because she didn't want to say cheating, it was a word she hated to attach to her parents regardless of how true it was.

"In a relationship there is always that risk," Santana said slowly, "That the other person will do something to hurt you and there are more ways than one that it can happen-"

"So why tie yourself to someone like that at all?"

"Because if it's the right person the risk is worth the reward."

"Does mom think so?" she asked; it was a hard thing to say, but she just couldn't see her mother really being okay with it.

Santana ran her fingers through her hair, frowning slightly, "Yes, she wouldn't still be with me otherwise."

"But how?" she didn't want to ask things that were clearly hurting Santana to answer, but she really didn't understand how it was something they could move past.

"Loving her has been a lifelong journey and I won't say that what I did went away entirely. She has forgiven me and we are happy together, but on rare occasions I can tell she still thinks about it and it hurts her, but there is nothing I can do. She loves me enough to not bring it up or throw it in my face if we have a disagreement and we moved on, because the only other choice was to let it break us."

"That sounds awful," Ella said honestly.

"It was hard at first, but it's not awful, because there is more to us than that. Our relationship isn't defined by an affair."

The word was out in the open and hung between them like a dead animal neither wanted to see, "I guess I just don't see how it could come to that after everything you had been through together."

"We… listen, I know you aren't going to exactly want to hear this, but your mother and I started having sex before we were ready."

Ella's eyebrows went up, she hadn't expected the conversation to go there.

"It was a game we played and we didn't realize the damage it was doing to ourselves and others, so when we started a sexual relationship with each other it was still a game. But as always she figured the truth out before I did, she knew we loved each other before I even knew I liked women. It meant she had to deal with me pretending I didn't care what she did and me being ashamed for anyone to know about us for years."

That was news to Ella, she couldn't picture a version of Santana that was afraid to show her love for mom, it seemed completely absurd to the point of being comical, "You were ashamed of her?" she asked because it seemed simply impossible.

"Of how I felt about her. I was scared of what people would think and by the time I got myself together enough to tell her I loved her she was with someone else. She gave me another chance like she always does, after that we started to see each other exclusively and a little after that we were married. And I think that was the problem, she forgave so much I was able to take her love for granted, to not look ahead at the consequences, because somewhere inside me was this surety that I would be forgiven. I didn't stop to think of the enormity of the damage I was causing with Selena until I had already messed up. I'll never take her love for granted again, but it was a lesson learned at a high price."

Ella pondered what she had been told and shrugged, "Not exactly a strong case for romance."

"It's a strong case for waiting until you're ready. Sex and love aren't things you want to dabble in at thirteen, you aren't ready, and even if you are your partner more than likely isn't. That was Brittany's problem, she knew what the score was and assumed I was at least as smart as her in figuring us out, but I wasn't. My emotional growth was a bit stunted and she suffered for that. If we had waited, if I had understood her and myself better before we set a wedding date, I think everything would have been different."

"So, you're saying I should wait until I'm older to worry about falling in love?"

She shrugged, "Love isn't something you can plan for, all I'm saying is that when you do meet someone that makes your heart race don't get swept up in those feelings and forget yourself. I advise waiting until your wedding night, but knowing there is realistically no way for me to make you do that I only ask that if you are going to be intimate with someone you need to know that you're on the same relationship page. And hopefully that page is full of love and staying together forever and not leaving each other in the morning." A scowl appeared on her face as she mentioned the scenario before she shook her head clearing her thoughts, "The mess I caused wasn't because love and fidelity are fantasies, it was because I didn't know how lucky I was to have what I did. Despite my age I was still too immature to know how to get away from Selena on my own or to have avoided her in the first place."

Somehow their talk made her feel a little better, explained like that she could see how disaster had been near inevitable for them, but didn't have to be for everyone, "It all still seems like a big risk."

Santana snorted, "It's huge, and it can be so scary at times, but at others it can be so beautiful. What your mother and I feel for each other and this family far outweighs the mistakes I've made. I'm not saying it erases them or somehow makes it okay, but it allows forgiveness and healing to be possible."

She nodded and looked at her compass again feeling even lighter now, "Finding the right person at the wrong time can be pretty bad."

"It doesn't have to be, but it can lead to rough times. If it's meant to be, you'll pull through. Just be sure to always use your best judgment."

"Do you think if you and mom had split up at prom and you left entirely only to go back to her years later it would have been different?" she asked continuing to idly watching her compass do its one and only job.

A confused then considerate look crossed Santana's features, "Things would have been completely different. I don't know how I would get by without her for so long, but yeah I think it would have been good for me to figure my shit out."

Even though those weren't exactly the circumstances the other Santana described to her it still gave her a surge of hope that somewhere in the universe the woman who she had met for a few brief months was living happily with her own Brittany.

"Whatever you decide to do," Santana said cutting across her thoughts, "for the sake of your poor momma's heart could you not do it with Jayden, as he is, I repeat, such a tool."

"You say that about every boy that comes over even if we're just friends," Ella giggled.

"Because boys tend to be complete tools until about thirty when they might mature."

"Uncle Puck's always seemed mature."

"Ha! Shows what you know; he is still the biggest man child I know," she laughed.

"You never dated him, maybe if you had he'd show you the mature side he shows when he's with aunt Quinn."

A bemused smile spread across her face, "Oh child, the things you don't know," she said softly caressing Ella's cheek, "Your mother and I both dated him in high school."

That was maybe the most shocking thing Santana had ever said to her ever. For a long moment she thought about it and tried to visualize it, but it was harder to do than picturing a version of her momma that wouldn't proudly kiss her wife in public.

"When you say date you mean just date, right?" she asked, her brain hurting from the mere implications of her question.

"If that helps you sleep at night," she said simply, "All I'm saying is that Puck's perceived maturity is from years of hard work from Quinn and even then it's a fleeting thing."

"No, seriously, you mean only dated right?"

"You know Puck and Quinn are another example of right person, wrong time."

Ella figured that Santana had given the answer to her question by not answering it and she decided that she did not want verbal confirmation of the single most disturbing thing she had ever learned in her life. Instead she recalled the fact that her honorary relatives had been together in high school and had a child together, one she was pretty sure she had been told at one point they still kept in touch with.

Thinking of the child now made her picture a bizarro world where her Santana was ashamed of Brittany and they were both dating Puck while he was somehow starting a teen pregnancy with Quinn.

That was so many levels of screwed up she stopped immediately, "So high school was kind crazy for you."

"And it will be for you too, that's why you should be careful, but not afraid of love."

Snapping her compass shut for a final time she returned it to its case and stood stretching, "I won't be." she said. It was an easy, honest reply.

Santana stood as well and hugged her tightly, "I can't tell you how sorry I am that I dragged you into my mess," she said and Ella could hear the sorrow in her voice.

She returned the hug with strong arms, "You already apologized even though I didn't think you needed to, not to me."

"Especially to you," Santana said holding her tighter, "I can never be sorry enough for what happened, but if nothing else learn from my mistakes and do better than me."

"Okay."

Her mother released her and smiled before giving her a kiss on the forehead. Ella smiled back before a small frown settled on her face, "You were kidding before though right? About dating uncle Puck," she asked, unable to keep herself from inquiring further even though she still didn't really want an answer.

"I suppose I may have exaggerated in saying Brittany ever actually dated him."

Ella stood totally stunned as her mother gave her a final kiss and started down the ladder, eventually snapping out of her haze she dashed to the edge of the low built wall and called down, "That's not funny!"

Santana didn't turn around and only shouted back, "Dinner's ready in ten."

Standing up above the houses in her neighborhood she found she could find it in her to believe she could find someone like her mother had, she believed that the other Santana had found her Brittany and together they were happy as they always should have been in a relationship that was stronger from their time apart, but she did not believe that jovial, fun, loving uncle Puck had slept with both her parents. That was too far into the realm of fantasy, even for her.

A/N: Tale of a chapter lost

So way back I said there was a missing draft of Random Glimpses. What is actually was, was a telling of the story had the Magic Christmas Man not stepped in.

The idea came from my friend Milo who initially asked why, whoever Magic Christmas Man was, did he bother helping Santana. Granted she was pretty unhappy but her life wasn't so bad it warranted bending space and time beyond him being a secret Brittana fan. My answer was that what would have happened was so tragic he wanted to fix Ohio Santana's life and upon investigating her possible timelines came across Boston Santana and saw a way to fix both.

Milo's reaction was to scoff and say the worst case scenario wouldn't have been that bad, divorce would have been about it and that wasn't the end of the world. I took that as a challenge to write an outcome so tragic anyone with time space abilities and a soul would have to fix it.

Hence the original side story.

It went as follows:

Santana was caught with Selena (by Brittany) and it caused all the damage being seen in a compromising position like that could.

Brittany is distraught and kicks Santana out but Santana, unwilling to give up, is determined to try and repair their relationship. She ends things with Selena and goes to her house to try and talk to Brittany.

She catches her returning home from bringing the girls to school and Brittany is furious enough to unleash her anger in the driveway. Santana is content to let her get it all out and while this is happening Ella and Violet are off to the side, Ella being the only one who understands what it is all about.

At that point Selena shows up with a crazed If I Can't Have You No One Can plan and attempts to kill Santana with her car but hits Ella instead.

Ella dies in the yard while Santana and Brittany are helpless to do anything.

Before she dies Ella apologizes for saying she would tell letting Brittany know she knew and making Santana feel even lower.

Afterwards the split is inevitable, Santana stays in a motel and sees Violet once a month.

Puck tries, to no avail, to fix them but they are too broken, it comes to a head when he goes to visit Santana to find she killed herself in the bathtub.

Brittany is completely crippled by grief leaving Violet to deal with her sister's death, her parents divorce and the desertion by both (Santana physically and Brittany mentally). She can't figure out why she wasn't important enough for them to hold it together and turns to drugs at a young age.

The end.

That horror story was written, read and deleted… by both of us LOL.

I didn't ever want to read it again so I deleted it thinking if for whatever reason I wanted to Milo had a copy but she did the same thing for the same reason XP

In the end, despite how Milo thought it was my most well written work to date, we both felt it was for the best that it was destroyed.

But now you know why Magic Christmas Man had to act .