Wizards and Witches! Welcome to the newest issue of Wizards Insider; special promotion sale value of only 15 knuts! In this week's issue, we have all the greatest tips on magical stains and how to remove them, the low down on Gilderoy Lockheart's heart stopping escape from St Mungo's this weekend, and a special feature focusing on the insane antics of one Luna Lovegood and partner, from her successful capture of the illusive Nargle, to her daring dive from the top of the Niagara Falls in attempt to fool a rampaging Crumple Horned Snorcack. Hmm…

Ms Lovegood, so pleased to finally meet you. How have you been?

Hmm? Oh. Hello. Is that a Gigglypuff tail?

Erm, no, Ms Lovegood. That is a feather necklace. Anyway; it is common knowledge in the wizarding world that you have recently met the man of your dreams! Tell us all.

You mean Rolf? Well, I wouldn't really call him the man of my dreams. He seems to rather like wearing my skirts…

Oh. Well then. What do you have to say about that?

I think he looks nice. He looks especially pretty in my lilac hobble skirt…

Moving on… for so many years, Ms Lovegood, you have been defending the existence of the once thought make believe Nargle. Tell us how you happened to find it- we at Wizards Insider hear it was a rather dangerous adventure!

It was hiding in a barrel around Christmas time. Rolf had pulled down the mistletoe… [Ms Lovegood is blushing] and if leapt out. It took us three days to find it… half of my things disappeared.

Oh, that's terrible! Did they turn up?

Yes… we found my sneakers on the roof. Rolf's glasses turned up at the bottom of the fish pond. It was all rather dramatic, really… Bernie's been trained a little better since, I suppose.

B…Bernie?

Yes, we named her. Though she still seems to like stealing stray carrot tops from the compost bin outside…

Riight… well, glad to know that - Bernie? - is being looked after, I suppose. Now, tell us all about your daring escape from the clutches of the Crumple Horned Snorcack in North America. The one that no one else seems to have actually, well, seen.

The water was very cold. Bracing really. Rather fun though. You should try it some time.

I'd rather not.

Hmm. Well, it really was interesting. I saw some Snarts on the way down… darling things really - you know they only come out when you're thinking of food?

Of course, dear. Of course. Now, onto the really interesting side of things; your new found friendship with the Golden Trio, Harry Potter in particular. How d'you like to dish the dirt?

How is it new found? I met them in our fifth year of Hogwarts… I'd hardly call that new. There's no dirt to dish - oh, I invented a new form of vegan wizarding food; it incorporates soil, maple syrup, and garden gnome fe-

Yes, yes, of course. Thrilling. But what about the Golden Trio? Have they been having any interesting meetings and such lately?

I don't know what you could mean by interesting. The only interesting thing is Harry's affinity for attracting Wrackspurts. It's rather funny really, the other day, we had a fancy dress party… All it took was Draco in a pixie costume and he- oh.

Draco? We seem to be hearing a lot about Draco these days, Ms Lovegood.

Well, he is a good family friend…

Even after everything that happened in your school days? Even after he tried to ki-

I think that's enough.

I was only-

You're very rude.

Well I…

I think I shall leave now.

Hey! The interview isn't over! Security! SECURITY! Why does this keep happening?

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