A/N: Decided to continue since I think I depressed some readers with the first chapter. The following chapter will sort of make up for the previous chapter's depressing end.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Mai HiME does not belong to me. The only thing I claim is mine is this fanfiction. Any similarities to other stories are pure coincidence.
Haha I didn't even notice that my disclaimer for Chapter One was a bit off since I took it from my other Mai HiME story.
--
Spring
"No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."
I remember when I first met her in that garden of blooming flowers. The flowers were just shaking off the dreary winter from their roots. Sometimes, I wonder if the budding flowers were foreshadowing the love I would soon feel for her.
--
The wind was gently blowing and I had to push a few strands of hair out of my face. I was walking around the garden hidden away from the eyes of the school. Very few knew of this special location, it was a treasure hidden away near the boundaries of the school and the town.
I used to go there to escape those eyes that followed me everywhere, the shadows that tailed me relentlessly offering no chance of peace or rest. I honestly was at my breaking point. I exhausted so much energy daily in keeping up the carefully constructed mask that I displayed to the rest of the world.
I was sick of the façade.
I was sick of people.
I was sick of myself.
I felt as if I had become disillusioned with the world. People loved me yet I felt so alone, so isolated from the rest of the world. I was put up on a pedestal by all those around me, even the teachers. It was as if I was some exotic animal that piqued so much interest from everyone around me. There were always people around me, but it was as if they never saw past my face. They never sought to discover who I was as a person. All they saw was the "heavenly" face.
I was just a simple girl from Kyoto.
Nothing more.
I didn't understand why people were enamored with me, but I felt like I owed them something. So those quaint smiles I offered to them continued, along with the polite words and gentle demeanor. Yet, this wasn't who I was. Eventually I became confused with myself.
Who was I really?
The beloved idol of Fuuka or just another girl making her way through the world.
It was at this time that I met her.
I was in the midst of my self-loathing-why-me thinking when I came across an intruder in my sacred grounds.
Her back was turned to me and grasped in her hand was one of the delicate and fragile beauties of the garden.
She was slowly crushing it, unknowingly releasing the intoxicating fragrance.
She was intoxicating.
Ara, I seem to have disclosed some thoughts that are just a tad bit too early for this particular moment. Nevertheless, she was. But, that is not the issue at the moment. Back to the story...
The dear girl before me had a posture that was one which slumped due to the weight of the world upon her back. She radiated an anger for the burden and I felt a kinship with her.
Our mutual hate for this world connected us.
However, I could not stand by wordlessly while she deprived the beautiful blossom of its already short life; so I called out to her.
Thus, our story together began.
--
Over the next few days we had an unspoken agreement of meeting in the garden. I remember at first that she was quite reticent and barely spoke past a few greetings.
She was a mystery to me.
She did not fawn over me like all of the others. She cared nothing for who I pretended to be; actually I suppose she thought of me as a nuisance to begin with.
We did not even know one another's name until two weeks into this confusing bond. Her expression was quite adorable when she discovered who I was. I honestly wish that I had captured that moment with a camera. But, I suppose that is unnecessary since the image is imbedded in my mind.
My apologies, I'm rambling off on another tangent. Anyways, things continued like normal after that incident, with the exception that she now talked a tad bit more to me.
It was odd. In the past, I could've cared less if someone did not talk to me. But, with her, I had to keep on prodding till she gave in.
I attempted a multitude of ways in which to start a conversation with her that lasted longer than thirty seconds.
I am still surprised to this day that she even kept on coming back to the garden when it was obvious that – excuse my language – I "annoyed the hell" out of her. But eventually, I found a method that clicked. One that made her blush furiously as if her cheeks were on fire. Needless to say, I still use this tactic to this day.
Sigh, once again I am going off topic. But, I can't help it. She's my adorable little puppy.
Well back in those days she wasn't exactly mine…yet.
--
Before, after, and during the events of the Carnival, I was eternally tormented. We had become close companions, might I dare even call us best friends at that time. There was a time in which she came to me with her certain troubles. And of course I did everything in my power to help her, I ran for and became the Kaichou – all for her.
But, I'm sure you've heard this story millions of times before. So I shall not bore you with further details.
I will however disclose to you some secrets that have never been told to anyone. They've always been locked up in the depths of my heart. I was hoping that one day, when I am sure that she would return my feelings, I would tell her.
--
I mentioned before that I was "eternally tormented", why might you ask?
Because I fell in love with my best friend.
No, this was not some schoolgirl crush. I was deeply and madly in love with her. I would proclaim it from the top of my lungs if I did not fear the fact that she would chase after me for doing so.
But, yes, I loved and still love her. She changed the way in which I viewed the world. Maybe I still gave the world the Fujino mask, but to her, I would always just be Shizuru.
Yet, I was a girl who loved a girl. Did you know that it's considered "unnatural"? How can love in any form be considered as unnatural or a sin? But, to the world around us it was, so I kept silent on this love. I did not wish to further burden her with my feelings. And...I do not know what would become of me if she rejected them.
I had already decided that my love would remain forever unrequited. However, I never realized how hard it would be.
--
When she came to me with problems, I always tried to help her through it. When she was down I would tease her to cheer her up. When she was sick I would take care of her (which is yet another well-known story...). When she was happy, I was ecstatic. When she was sad, I was depressed. Her emotions were my fuel to continue going through the day, no matter what they were. I strove to keep her content and happy, but our peaceful junior high days did not last.
High school started and so did the Carnival.
She never suspected that I was a HiME as well, and so she always tried to keep her activities quiet. I remained as her silent supporter both in the light and shadows. I kept her safe. Any enemies that might choose to strike at her, were executed without mercy.
She was after all my only necessity in life. Nothing else matter.
Then that happened: the events that started with Nao and spiraled out of control with the interference of Haruka and Yukino.
No one understood me at that time. Not even her. I never did anything like everyone seemed to think, although my desires did run wild. I held them back just barely, to continue our friendship. If I could not have her love, I would settle for her friendship. I wanted to remain by her side in any manner that I could.
But, when those events blew up in my face, I finally broke. Not even she reached me at that time. I finally unleashed my demons upon the world.
I allowed the beasts to run wild. I can barely remember what I did during that hellish time. I was living yet...not. Another mask within me had taken over, and I was controlled like a marionette by its puppeteer.
She was of course, the one that broke me free from that destructive path. I was at the boundary of no return until she pulled me back from the depths of despair. Yes, I know this sounds rather dramatic, surely it was not that bad you may say. But, it was, she saved me, no, you saved me.
"Natsuki, I know that you've been listening to my rant this entire time. Yes, she, you were the one and only that spared me from the torment. After that one kiss, I waited patiently for you, you know. I kept my distance from you because I did not want to force a decision from you. I wanted to give you time to decide on your feelings towards me. I was already so grateful that you would even consider my feelings. So of course I was excited when you called me for our meeting on Christmas. And then you spoke those wonderful words to me. But...
Why! Why did this have to happen?!?" I began sobbing uncontrollably by her bedside. We were surrounded by the scent of disinfectant and the beeping from the monitor.
An I.V. was strapped to her arm and her pale face was gaunt and ghastly. But, she was beautiful nevertheless.
I couldn't take it anymore. Seeing her like this.
"Natsuki, I'm sorry," I gasped out between the lingering sobs. "I'll visit you tomorrow; just…I just can't take this anymore."
"Please don't hate me for this…" Standing up, I moved away the few strands of cobalt lingering on her porcelain face. "Goodbye Natsuki," Leaning down, I placed a small and gentle kiss upon her forehead.
Sighing I stood up to leave. With one last glance, I headed towards the door prepared to brave another night alone and worrying about her condition.
"Shi..zu..ru.."
--
Somehow I don't think this chapter made up for the previous one. It was kind of blah. Now to see if I should have another chapter or end it in this cliffhanger-ish manner.
Shizuru is hard to write. She's such a complex character (not saying that Natsuki isn't), but I don't know; it's hard to describe. Plus I think it's even harder when I attempt to portray her in first person. Kudos to all those authors that write her character flawlessly.
The epigraph for this chapter came from The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. My English teacher would be so proud.
Until next time :3
If there is one ;)