A loud scream woke Rowena from her comfortable nap. Her eyes cracked open and she glared up at the horse-faced woman looming over her. She hoped that this wasn't her new caretaker, but since she seemed to have been left on the doorstep of this house, that hope was probably futile. She looked around, taking note of the bizarre, uniform nature of the houses in the area and the strange metal contraptions sitting outside of them. Just where was she?
"Vernon!" The horse-faced woman shrieked. "Vernon, come here right this instant!"
"What is it, Pet?" A male voice asked. An enormously fat man, presumably Vernon, waddled up behind 'Pet.' Rowena grimaced — what a disgusting couple. The idea of sexual intercourse was disgusting enough when it wasn't between a whale and a stick insect. How did the man avoid snapping the woman in two?
"Look, Vernon," Pet growled, pointing down at Rowena.
"What's this, then?" Vernon blinked, staring at Rowena. He bent over, grumbling at the effort, and removed the letter from the basket. "Ruddy odd paper."
"That's not paper, Vernon," Pet whispered, voice shaking. "That's parchment. That's what they use."
Vernon's eyes narrowed, and he tore the envelope open with more force than Rowena felt was strictly necessary. The man let out a furious snarl.
"It says your sister and her idiot of a husband got themselves blown up, Petunia," Vernon grumbled. "This is their son, Harry."
Rowena's cheeks puffed up in indignation. She really needed to do something about that name — it made her sound like a dog, and she hated dogs. Nasty, smelly creatures that slobbered all over everything. She was firmly on Salazar's side that the best possible pets were snakes — they rarely left any kind of a mess, and they were content to be left on their own for long periods of time.
"I see," Petunia murmured. She steadied herself against the wall. "Who wrote the letter?"
"Some freak named 'Albus Dumbledore,'" Vernon read.
"He's the headmaster of that freak school, Hogwarts," Petunia said.
Rowena's ears perked up at that — the current headmaster of Hogwarts had been the one to put her here? What business did the man have with her care? Did he know who she was? He must have been the old man with the beard down to his waist. Rowena would need to see about shaving that if she found the time to drop by Hogwarts in the future — a beard like that was an offense to all that was decent, and no headmaster of Hogwarts should look like such a clown.
"What do we do, Pet?" Vernon asked. "Can we just take him to an orphanage?"
"…no," Petunia murmured. "I don't think that's an option. Dumbledore is probably watching us somehow. We'll need to take him in."
"What if he infects Dudley with his… freakishness?" Vernon asked fearfully.
Rowena rolled her eyes. These were obviously muggles, and while they had certainly improved in tolerance from her time — if they hadn't, she'd already have needed to defend herself from an attempt to drown her — they clearly hadn't improved in intelligence. Magic wasn't contagious — she would know, considering how many times she'd tried to turn it into a plague. Stupid muggles wouldn't be trying to kill magic-users if they had magic too, after all.
"That won't happen," Petunia assured. "I never caught it from Lily, after all."
"Do you think we can stamp it out of him, then?" Vernon asked hopefully. "Make sure he grows up normal?"
Well. That wouldn't do. Rowena could deal with being surrounded by idiots — that had been the case in her previous life too, after all — but she had no intention of being abused.
"Oh, do shut up," she growled. She was lucky that this body was old enough that it was capable of forming words. It struggled to do so with any fluency, but she was Rowena Ravenclaw! She wouldn't let some silly little cage of flesh slow her down. "It's theoretically possible to force a child's magic to turn inwards, but that just turns them into an explosion waiting to happen. If you don't want this village wiped off of the map, you'll get those stupid ideas out of your head." Not that someone as brilliant as Rowena could possibly end up in such a situation no matter what they did, of course, but they didn't need to know that.
The muggles stared at her, horrified.
"Vernon, did you hear him speak?" Petunia asked.
"I did, Pet," Vernon said, face white.
"Let me make some things perfectly clear, muggles," Rowena declared. "Firstly, I will not answer to that ridiculous 'Hairy' name. You will refer to me as Rowena. It is my name. Secondly, you will care for me properly, and in exchange I will not turn you into slugs. Unless you would like me to — it might improve your intelligence, actually. Though the lack of thumbs might prove problematic…" Rowena trailed off, lost in thought as she debated the pros and cons of opposable thumbs and pseudopods.
"Now see here," Vernon blustered. "You can't just threaten us!"
"Vernon," Petunia interjected, voice shaking as she placed a hand on her husband's arm. "We should do as he says. My sister wasn't like this — we need to be careful. We should write to Dumbledore."
"Yes, do that," Rowena agreed. "I'm sure he'd be quite a lot of help to me." The headmaster of Hogwarts would be able to help her get her hands on the books she needed to catch up with the world, after all. Something flickered in Petunia's expression, but Rowena dismissed it as unimportant. "Now, if you would kindly carry me inside, I'm getting hungry. I believe I should be capable of eating some solids, provided they're cut small enough."
Petunia carefully knelt down and lifted the basket, which she carried inside. Vernon shut the door behind them.
Rowena was given a small breakfast of some kind of bizarre canned, mushy food. It tasted disgusting, but her body seemed to have little trouble eating it, so she would grudgingly count it as acceptable fare for a baby. She ignored Petunia and Vernon whispering in the corner until an unpleasant sensation made itself known.
"Petunia!" Rowena called. "I require a change of diapers." She wasn't sure that she wanted to try vanishing filth so close to her body when she had so little control over her magic. The only reason she had successfully been able to alter her body was because she had spent four hours shaping the spell, and even then she had feared she might lose control near the end. As such, humiliating as it was, she would have to rely on this muggle to clean her.
Petunia's eyes narrowed, but she came over to help. Once Rowena's diaper had been removed, however, the woman screamed.
"What is it now?" Rowena asked peevishly.
"Where… where is your…" Petunia stammered.
"My genitals? I removed them," Rowena replied, rolling her eyes. "They would have been an inconvenience."
"An inconvenience," Petunia repeated faintly. She cleaned Rowena and changed her diaper in a daze, unable to comprehend the strange demon-spawn she had been saddled with by Albus Dumbledore. She wouldn't be writing to the headmaster, not after this — it was clear that the demon child wanted her to do so, which meant that doing so would be playing into his hands. No, Petunia would wait and see what this creature's intentions were. If it came to it… well, in the end, Petunia was Lily's sister. There was nothing she wouldn't do to protect her precious son Dudley.
Rowena was oblivious to Petunia's thoughts, impatiently waiting for the muggle to finish. Once she had been changed, she finished eating and rapped the end of her spoon on the table. "Petunia, I require lodgings."
"We'll need to get a crib for you," Petunia replied sourly. "We only have one, and it's for Dudley."
"The basket I came in will be an acceptable substitute for the moment, but I expect a proper piece of furniture to sleep on by the end of the day," Rowena stated. "In the meantime, you will still be required to provide me with a room."
Petunia and Vernon's faces contorted. They traded a look, and Vernon closed his eyes.
"I'll go clean the spare room, but then I need to go to work," Vernon grumbled.
"Acceptable," Rowena agreed. She watched as the man bustled off, nodding to herself. The utility of muggles as minions hadn't really improved over the years, but at least they were still capable of cooking and cleaning. Now, however, she need to learn more about this odd world — there were many strange devices around that she didn't recognize at all. "Petunia," she commanded, "look into my eyes."
The woman did so, clearly reluctant, and Rowena dove into her mind. While it was difficult with her shaky magical control, Rowena had practically invented the mind arts. At her peak, she had been able to learn someone's entire history simply by meeting their eyes. Even with her current handicap, it took the reincarnated witch only a minute to learn everything the woman did about advances in muggle technology, and despite herself she had to admit that she was impressed. Despite their lack of magic, muggles had accomplished some truly impressive things. Nuclear bombs, space travel, automobiles, computers…
Rowena really, really wanted a computer. "You will get me a computer," she commanded. "And one of those 'Atari' devices." 'Video games' sounded fascinating, despite how little Petunia knew about them.
Petunia stared at her. "Do you have any idea how expensive that would be?" the woman hissed.
"Yes," Rowena said, nodding, "but I also saw that your husband has a rather high salary. The price will not be an inconvenience."
Petunia spluttered. "You 'saw?' Did you read my mind, you little freak?"
"Yes," Rowena agreed. "I needed to learn about your modern muggle ways. You're rather less filthy than I expected — it's almost impressive." The soaps they made these days were a marked improvement over the ones that Rowena remembered.
Petunia raised her hand in fury, but Rowena's eyes narrowed and the slap met an invisible wall.
"You will not strike me," Rowena stated. "Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes," Petunia gritted out.
"With any luck, we will not find ourselves interacting much in the future," Rowena said, deciding to throw the woman a bone. She probably didn't need her caretakers hating her enough to try poisoning her mush. "You will simply be required to care for me until I am capable of walking effectively, and then I will be gone from your life."
"Is that so?" Petunia asked, narrowing her eyes. "Do you really think Albus Dumbledore will allow that?"
"I don't particularly care," Rowena replied, shrugging as well as her baby shoulders would let her. "He's just the headmaster of Hogwarts, not my boss." Really, she was his boss. She was one of the founders of the school, after all.
"I will not have my life ruined because Albus Dumbledore is upset with us for 'losing' you!" Petunia snarled.
"Then continue giving me lodgings," Rowena said, trying to shrug again. "I will not object to using this house as a temporary base of operations. I still see no need for us to interact overmuch."
"I'll hold you to that," Petunia grumbled.
"I'm done," Vernon announced, returning to the room. He pressed a kiss to Petunia's cheek and gave Rowena a glare. "I'll pick up a crib on my way home from work this evening."
"Get him a computer too, Vernon," Petunia sighed. "He demands one."
"And an Atari," Rowena reminded. "Make sure to get some games, too."
Vernon puffed up angrily, but Petunia shook her head and he deflated. "…fine," he muttered, then hurried away.
"Take me to my room," Rowena commanded.
Petunia frowned, but obeyed.
Rowna sighed. Good help was so hard to come by.