A/N: Wow, 36 visitors in four days? 2 followers, 5 favorites and 3 reviews? I'm so flattered and happy. You guys deserve another chapter super quick! Since I already have 50+ pages written, I guess I'll just type this up for you guys. Enjoy, review and check out my multi-fandom tumblr account under the same handle. Thanks!
TW: Self-harm, blood, self hatred in this chapter!
Chapter 2: Apathy
Apathy: a feeling of not having much emotion, interest or concern
By the time Kakashi showed up just as darkness fell, Sasuke was thoroughly sick of three things: Acting sick, sitting still and Naruto's constant worried attention. He'd almost never gotten sick as a child and had always recovered quickly from all but the most severe injuries, so laying around when he didn't even feel sick made him feel antsy and annoyed. Only Naruto's pain filled eyes and the memory of his broken voice in the bathroom kept Sasuke acting.
When their Sensei arrived, Sakura led him over and the real situation was quickly and furtively explained. Kakashi made a show of handing Sakura a bottle and rattling off a list of ingredients. She made Sasuke drink it (it was just water), waited half an hour, then announced that Sasuke would be recovered by morning. Naruto grinned, relief clear in his features.
"Naruto-kun." Kakashi said, once they'd gathered around to start cooking dinner. "I need you to come back with me." Naruto frowned.
"Why?"
"Because I may be your co-Hokage until you're ready to do it yourself, but there are some things I shouldn't choose alone, especially when the situation is one you need to learn to deal with." Naruto sighed.
"Fine. If it's for the good of Konohagakure." Now everyone had no doubts that something was wrong, because Naruto hadn't contended at all with leaving a mission to save a hurt girl. They watched, concern masked, as he stood and grabbed his pack. He walked toward Sasuke.
"Just sayin' goodbye." Sasuke made a show of cracking an eye open as Naruto approached, then awakening and easing himself carefully upright. He studied Naruto's face.
"What's wrong?" He asked, halfway hoping to get a complete explanation. Naruto shrugged.
"Konoha needs its Hokage." He said quietly. Sasuke nodded.
"Don't worry about the mission. We've got it." Naruto smiled wanly.
"I know. Be safe." He turned to go. Then, over his shoulder, "Sai's a great guy. Use him." Then he leaped into the trees and was gone, Kakashi on his heels.
"It's over." Sasuke said after a moment, standing and stretching. He walked into the clearing, surprising Sai. Then the former Foundation member put the pieces together and nodded.
"He'll get better now." He said softly, dumping water over the fire, then kicking dirt over the steaming coals. "Let's go." The three shouldered their packs and shot off into the night.
To Naruto's surprise, Kakashi dropped to the ground from the treetops only a few miles from where they'd started. Assuming he sensed danger, Naruto followed, landing more heavily than he'd meant to and panting slightly as he drew back to back with his mentor.
"What is it?" He breathed. Kakashi simply walked away. Naruto followed, puzzled. He studied Kakashi's posture. His head stayed in its relaxed, forward position, none of the barely perceptible motions that suggested he was glancing about watchfully. His hands were jammed into his pockets, fisted instead of loose and flat in preparation for throwing shuriken.
The younger shinobi frowned. If they weren't about to fight, why had Kakashi dropped to a walk on the ground? He was about to ask again when they entered a clearing. A wooden building, strangely reminiscent of Yamato's wood jutsu, stood there, lit inside and warm.
Kakashi entered, waiting to close the door until Naruto was inside. Naruto looked around, seeing the two futons rolled against the wall, the simple foods steaming by the fire and the back door opened to look at a small porch and stream. It was peaceful, content, but Naruto felt only empty disinterest. He sat on the side of the fire away from the food, feeling vaguely nauseous. Kakashi joined him, taking off his vest and weapon pouches and setting them aside, still close enough to touch. He sighed.
"This is nice." Naruto attempted after a moment of silence. "Important meeting?"
"You could say that." Kakashi drawled, stretching out in the perfect image of lazy relaxation.
"With who?" Naruto asked, dreading quiet time, where he would be left with his thoughts.
"You." Naruto raised an eyebrow, feeling a distant chill run through him. He couldn't identify the cause.
"About?" Kakashi looked over at him, a searching look in his eyes that made Naruto feel transparent even now that Kakashi had no Sharingan. He shifted, discomfort spreading through him.
"They weren't kidding. You really do have no idea." His sensei said musingly. Naruto felt a flare of anger and clenched his fist, jutting his jaw out stubbornly. Just as he was about to explode, the fury dissipated, replaced by a deep fatigue. He sighed, slumping over.
"Whatever." He murmured, tone flat, eyes half closed as they looked unseeingly in the flames. Kakashi felt that defeat like a punch to the gut, injecting ice into his veins. He visibly winced. Never, ever did Naruto back down from a challenge like that. Never did he just let anger go without someone getting yelled at and/or punched. It almost hurt him physically to see his student, the young man who felt like a son to him, who had held Kakashi up when he was questioning everything he believed, so broken.
"Naruto-kun." He said quietly, voice flooded with concern. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" Naruto didn't respond, didn't move. The older ninja leaned forward, allowing his shoulder to brush his student's. At the touch, Naruto closed his eyes, body tensing. He seemed to be trapped between bolting away and falling into his Sensei's arms. Kakashi put his left arm over the blond's shoulders, trying to put all of his worry, his affection, into the touch.
Naruto sucked in a breath, sounding almost pained. His body was so stiff that Kakashi could almost hear his joints creaking, his muscles straining. He was breathing shallowly, seeming to be terrified that if he moved, the pressure on his shoulder would lift, leaving him bereft again.
"I'm not going anywhere." Kakashi said. Naruto glanced up at him, surprise mixing with a poisonous flow of raw hatred and grief and fear. Kakashi smiled softly, tightening his grip. Naruto started to lean in, to loosen up, to give up his stoicism. Then all at once, he pulled back, jumping to his feet. He was shaking, eyes wild, face pale.
"What's wrong?" Kakashi kept his voice calm, firm. Naruto looked through him, seeming to see something that wasn't in Kakashi's reality. The older ninja put up his hands, palms out, and stood up. Naruto was breathing heavily, abject terror plain on his features. It stabbed Kakashi that his student was so afraid of him.
"You can't promise that." He whispered. Kakashi was briefly confused. His mind replayed the last few minutes, catching on his own statement. I'm not going anywhere. Not afraid of him then, only inevitability of grief and loss. He kept his voice calm.
"You're right." He said. "Things happen, and I'm not as young as I was." Naruto's eyes flicked up to him, pale sky boring into dark night. "But I can promise you that I won't leave you by choice." He said, taking a slow step forward. Naruto shivered, leaning backward, but holding his ground. His voice was filled with hopeless, trembling misery when he spoke.
"You won't have a choice." He choked. Kakashi waited, holding Naruto's gaze with his own. He could see Naruto's palm and fingers dripping blood where his nails were digging into the flesh from the tightness of his fist. "Everyone around me dies or gets hurt or leaves." He said, resignation in his tone and a conviction in his eyes that suggested he'd said this to himself too often to count.
"That's not your-" Kakashi tried to soothe him, starting to feel entirely unequal to the task of getting Naruto back to calm, but Naruto kept on as though he hadn't said anything.
"My pa, my ma, Neji-kun, Jiraiya-sensei, Asuma-sensei, Old Man Third. They're all dead. Not to mention the tens of thousands of shinobi who died in the war. Hinata-chan, Shikamaru-kun, Gaara-kun, Sakura-chan, Lee-kun, Sasuke-teme, and on and on. They all got hurt fighting. I should have been stronger. I could have saved them, should have." His gaze sharpened, looking straight into Kakashi's eyes, clarity making a path to the agony he was feeling.
"And if you stay by me, you'll die too." He finished, then bolted for the open back door. It took a lot to stun Kakashi, but these statements slowed him enough that by the time he got into the yard, Naruto's desperate flight had taken him far enough that Kakashi couldn't hear him, couldn't see which branches had been moved by his passing. He summoned his ninja dogs, begging them to find him. They sniffed around, then reported that Naruto must have made multiple shadow clones because his scent went in every direction. Kakashi felt a nauseous wave of panic roll over him.
"Each of you follow one. Report to me when you find the original." The dogs nodded and were gone, sensing their master's urgency. Kakashi watched their progress for a few seconds, then began to pace. The motion did nothing to calm him, but it was better than sitting still.
Naruto flew through the treetops, barely feeling the sting of the branches he didn't try to avoid whipping his face. In fact, there was a certain relief to it. Each sting on his face, each tickling sensation of blood oozing over the undamaged portions of his skin, took his mind off of the painful thudding of his heart and the guilt that made him sick.
He ran and leaped until he burst out into a wide clearing with a pile of boulders in the center. A dry, dead streambed lay around it, flat and barren and strangely devoid of any grass. Naruto's keen eyes, sharpened yet further by his deep desire to be hidden, spotted a crevasse in the rocks, seemingly shallow and impassable. In a burst of impulse, he scrambled up, finding that his body just barely fit. Once he got into the crack, he slid straight down into an enclosed, semi-dark hole.
A shaft of moonlight cut down from a smaller hole above, and leaves and pine needles had blown in, creating a soft nest at the bottom. It was still, the relaxing smell of dry earth and autumn surrounding him. Naruto felt the clawing sensation of panic settling. For the first time since he and Kakashi had entered that cabin, he felt full clarity return to his mind. With it came an awareness of a sensation of tender fragility in his chest, like his heart had been turned to glass and a single breath would shatter it.
He sat in the cushioning dead foliage, letting the cool wind whistling through the hole he'd crawled through brush his face. His thoughts returned to his conversation with Kakashi-sensei. It was a little fuzzy after his sensei had sat down and completely blank after he'd made that comment about Naruto not knowing… something. He was used to being unaware of certain principles, of techniques and histories and chakra balances. He was, after all, an idiot. But there was something different about this question.
He felt a sudden stinging in his half-arm and looked down to see his fingernails gouging deep furrows into the flesh. He lifted his hand off, simultaneously fascinated and disgusted by the flesh and blood dripping down his fingers. He studied the red, entranced by the patterns that formed in the grooves of his palm. He could hear Kurama inside of him, concern and fury in his tone. He frowned. Was he crazy to think wish that the fox had been sucked out of him forever, along with his spirit?
He heard the scrabbling of nails on stone outside and froze, adrenaline shooting through him. His heart began pounding, fast and hard, pumping blood out of the oozing wounds. A snuffling sound came at the crack he'd crawled through. He resisted the urge to whimper, to crawl backwards and cower in the corner. Any motion, any sound could bring the beast down on him.
Then, as he was reawakened to the sensation of blood on his hand, he felt a heavy weight of resignation settle on him. He was going to be found and there was nothing he could do about it. They'd drag him back, surround him with people he could hurt, people he cared about. Apathy and helplessness drained the panic from him, leaving him numb.
He slumped, vision blurring, breaths slowing. He shivered against the dry, soft ground, mind slipping into its darkest corner, far from the outside world. Vaguely, he heard a familiar voice, felt gentle fingers brushing his head as a sudden chill washed over him. He closed his eyes, barely noticing the change from dark silhouettes and silver edging to utter black.
A/N: Just so you guys know, I'm taking his inner emotions and what depression and anxiety feel like from my own experience. It's strangely soothing to put the feelings at a distance with words that are so poignant and meaningful to me. I apologize if they do not match your own experience or seem overly dramatic. My specific question for this chapter is does my syntax (sentence and paragraph structure) flow well? Is is easy to read? Let me know. My inbox is always open. Love you guys!