OKAY... wow... I didn't expect that.... :-O :) But I'm happy though....

Thanks so much for all these amazing reviews... and a big thank you to Jessica and Queen Bee, who I couldn't answer... :)

Sammy's smile

Dean's perspective

Sam has always been a bad actor. I've always could tell whether he was asleep or just pretending to sleep. Right now... he was awake, laying under his covers, back turned towards me. I could see his silhouette in the dim light from outside. His right foot was visible and his bare toes were pressed against the waistband of his jeans, which was laying on the end of his bed.

I had to confess that I was touched by that action. He really seemed to see more in this necklace than a worthless piece of shit.

Of course I knew he had it.

The way his hand would wander to the pocket of his jeans all the time and his hand fisted in the said pocket were prove enough.

He reminded me of the little Sam... the Sam who worshipped me for lighting the night with fireworks. The little boy who told me that the thing I've done was 'great' and hugged me for doing it.

I missed this kid so much.

Really THAT kid?

The same kid that wanted to be away from me...?

The same kid that would rather spend a Thanksgiving with some friends than is older brother... I remembered that I had been talking to Caleb on phone that night for hours... I remembered how he told me about Jim who had tried to make their dinner perfect. I remembered how badly I wanted to be with them... just to have somebody around.

It was one of Sam's best memories.

The same kid that treasured the memory of a week which had probably been one of the worst in my life. God... I didn't remember why he had left... it had been some stupid fight between us... But I remembered the feeling in my gut when I realized that he was gone... I remembered trying to call dad... I remembered that dad wouldn't answer the phone and when he came home a few days later and I'd told him that I had lost Sam, he totally freaked out. He had yelled at me, telling me that I was a failure and that he couldn't trust me anymore... He had even forbidden me to drive the Impala for a few months... But the worst had been when he told me that it was my fault if anything had happened to Sam... I remember the look on his face when he towered over me shouting that Sam might be dead. And then I remember silence until we'd found Sam again. Of course he apologized for saying all this things... but I have never forgotten him saying them first place.

It was one of Sam's best memories.

The same kid that left for Stanford. I remembered waiting in front of my cell-phone, willing it to ring... I'd wanted Sam to call me... asking me to pick him up... I'd been so scared that something might happen to him.

It was one of Sam's best memories.

I gulped. My throat clenched painfully.

I turned around, not wanting to see Sam.

When I closed my eyes I saw the little boy who handed the necklace to me... The sweet kid that loved me more than anything.

Now I had a hard time believing that this boy... this Sammy ever existed.

I didn't doubt that he loved me... He still did... He wouldn't treasure that amulet if he didn't. I knew that I was important for him... He wouldn't have done that things he did, if I weren't...

But... it wasn't enough... It had never been enough. He had never granted his family the same worth I granted them... him. He always wanted a simple, normal life... for him. He wanted good friends, a wife, kids, a little house... for him. That has been his first priority.

Mine was my family. Always had been... always would be...

I just never had thought that Sam had always been like that... seeing his family more as a burden than a gift...

I couldn't understand that.

When we had met in the honeymoon suite about half a year ago he told me that I didn't know him...

And right now I guessed he was right.

His heaven had opened my eyes.

I didn't know this man...

He wasn't that kid who gave the medallion to me...

So why would I keep it?

And yet...

The way I hear him sniff on the bed beside me, choking sobs, like the small kid I used to care for... I used to love so fucking much... made me want to believe his words. The way he looked at me today, when I refused to join his fireworks, made me want to trust him again...

I wanted to believe that we would find a way together. I didn't even need to find a way to stop the Apocalypse as long we were united.

Not just a team...

But brothers.

I buried the thought immediately in the back of my head, knowing that this wouldn't be fulfilled.

We didn't really know how to be a team anymore...

Probably we'd never known it.

I had to let go...

I was so tired... being dead had already sucked before... but this time it had been the worst time. Of course hell had been terrible. But back there I had held onto the thought that there were still a little brother fighting for me... because he wanted me around... not because I was the burden... the duty he had...

This time I knew that this planet had nothing for me... NO god who cared... no brother who needed me...

I guessed that that was the nastiest realization for me... that nobody needed me...

Even my kid brother was better off without me...

I fisted my hands... listening to Sam's shuddered breathing.

It broke my already wrecked heart even more...

I didn't want to hurt him even more... I wanted to forgive... and I wanted to forget, but I couldn't forget the image of him, smiling at the stupid dog with a smile I hadn't seen in over two years now... I didn't even know that it still existed... and then he used it for a Golden Retriever... and not for me...

To be continued.