Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing

Last Time on "The Maid Did It!":

"You'll work as our Head Household Maid..."

"AW! THAT'S SO FUCKING AWESO-wait-WHAT?!" I shouted, causing the entire mansion to tremble. "I'M A MAID?! THAT'S FOR GIRLS!"

Order 2: Clean Your Room

Walter (a.k.a. traitorous butler) showed me to my room, it was next to Pip's; a medium sized room with three windows, one twin sized bed, a bunk bed, three wardrobes (I swore I saw a black dress and tights), and two bathrooms with showers. He had one hand behind his back and a bundle of clothes in the other. There was a smile on his face as he placed it on the bottom bunk; a desk with a lamp was next to it, I sat on the wooden chair. He explained about the clothes,"They used to be mine when I was your age..." I got up and lifted the silk-like vest and pants, a golden chain for a pocket watch was already latched to it. A pin stripped shirt (black and white of course) was folded neatly up neatly with a pair of white gloves sitting on its brass buttons; the Hellsing name embroidered along it. "I told Sir Integra of how improper it is to dress as a lady, so she had me give you, as you may call it, hand-me-downs. You can dress as a butler, but you're a maid."

"Geeze, thanks, Walter! My pride remains intact," I praised him greatly,"When do the Dental Floss of Doom come in?" He ignored my question and continued,"Your only chore today is to clean the Police Girl, Captain Bernadotte, and Alucard's dens, or rooms. The sheets will be changed and replaced with new ones in the Captain's room only, the carpets will be vacuumed, the area will be dusted, and a small piece of mint chocolate is to be placed on their pillows." He tossed me a small piece of chocolate in green wrapping paper. "Do try hard not to eat them all, we're on a tight budget. Here are your supplies..." He stepped aside to show me a cart full of cleaning supplies; vacuum, duster, desensitizer, rags, bed sheets, you know, the works. The carts you find at hotels or inns are nothing compared to this one since it looked clean.

Before Walter left, I spoke,"Since I'm going to be cleaning all...can't I just wear what I'm wearing now?" A short pause. "I'll wear an apron-" On cue, he tossed me a pink apron with a panda's head and the words "Doskoi Panda" embroidered on it. (Sanji the chef from One Piece wears this)

"This is the only one we have left...by the way, you'll be paid £20 per hour-"

"I'm American..."

"It would be about $30 an hour..."

"Thirty bucks?! That much to change people's sheets?!"

"Is it too low?"

"No, it's large!"

"Then you should be satisfied," Walter said,"But you would be doing more than just changing the Captain's sheets..." I feel like he's plotting something. "You get lunch breaks and half an hour breaks every five hours; the day starts at 6 in the morning and ends at 11 at night. Your schedule will be in the Supply Closet across the hall in a mailbox, the earnings are there too with the list, understood?"

"Yes, Walter..."

"Since you are the only maid in the entire household...you have to do the laundry."

"Sure..."

"And you must feed Alucard's llamas..."

"L-llamas?! Since when did-"

"That question is to remain unanswered."

"All right..."

What I really wanted to ask was,"Can I ride the llamas?"

"We have two cooks left, but you have to deliver everyone's food when they are ordered..."

"No biggie..."

"Do you know how to garden?"

"Yeah."

I lied.

"We also need a groundskeeper, Sir Integra insisted that you should be the one."

"Fine."

Now I'm just agreeing with whatever the geezer said.

"Here is your list and map of the mansion and grounds, I took the liberty of handing it to you since it is your first day," he gave me a slip of paper that was over two feet long, my eye twitched as he left me alone with a feather duster. I opened the map, it showed the four floor plans and the dungeons, and my list, it said to clean Pip's room first. He slept next door, might as well see tend to him first. I slipped on my gloves but left the clothes as I went out of my room and closed the door.

My hand knocked on Pip's door, no answer, but I went in anyway when I found out I had the keys to every single room in the mansion. No one was there, just a queen sized bed with dark blue sheets and the same design as my room. There was a large trunk at the foot of the bed, I felt curious and opened it....holy shit, I hit the mother load. Drugs, pictures of Seras, pornography...and Barbie dolls?! WTF?! And is that a Malibu Barbie doll?! I closed it quickly and decided to look in this other wardrobe. Two of them were in the room, actually. One had clothes, the other had guns, ammo, grenades, the works.

I took a rifle in my hands and aimed it at a random flower vase,"These, I gotta have for my birthday-"

"Maybe I'll give you one if you put that down," came a voice, it was Pip himself, he smiled as I carefully placed it back into its space in the wardrobe and closed it. "You're Matt, right?"

"Duh."

"The kid next door?"

"Duh."

"Is that an insult or are you just talking in Russian?"

"Whatever you wanna call it."

"Adieu then," Pip held a hand in the air while he strode away from the threshold. My eyes turned to his bed, the sheets were tossed everywhere, the pillows were on the ground, what a mess. I quickly stripped the bed and tossed all the crap in a waist basket on my cart and took out some emerald sheet and fixed it all on his bed. After doing that, I saw Winnie the Pooh laying face down on the ground, his red shirt was faded and he was missing an eye. Resemblance to his master? I think guilty as charged! He was stationed on the blanket with a piece of mint in front of him.

Then there were the clothes on the floor, all scattered like bomb shells. I slowly picked them up, shorts, pants, boxers, and socks, nearly 70 percent were white, interesting...but anyway, I vacuumed the area and dusted whatever I wanted. The room was so clean, you can see it sparkle, I felt good for once about cleaning a room...maybe it was because I was getting paid, yeah, that was it! My job was done in Pip's room, now...how to get a 100 pound cart down the stairs?

.:Integra's Office:.

"Ma'am, it seems that Matt is having a bit of trouble with the stairs," Walter bent over slightly to see the screen, Integra shook her head. It was me actually riding the cart down the stairs like a skateboard, there was even audio,"WAAAAAAHHOOOOOO!!!!" (A/N: Kids, don't try this at home) They stood/sat there watching me for a full ten minutes before they heard a drawn out scream that rand throughout the entire mansion,"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU STOP THIS THING?!" Integra couldn't help but laugh,"He's not the brightest of all, is he?"

"For safety reasons, we should install elevators if it isn't that much of a problem-"

"No, this is highly entertaining, loosen up, Walter!"

"S-sir, are you all right?"

"All right? I'm great! Fantastic! Absolutely smashing!" she leaned into her swivel chair and pushed it backwards to stretch out her arms and legs and give a satisfied,"Whee!"

On the floor, Walter spotted an empty bottle of Happy Pills, he gulped on nothing when an e-mail message came on to the screen. It was the Queen of England. Integra read out loud:

"Dear Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing,

There had been a terrorist attack on the Vatican's Section XIII; the Iscariot Organization's headquarters had been blown up. With permission from the Pope and me, Father Enrico Maxwell and three other people will be living with you until further notice (which could be FOREVER). Stay strong and try not to let Alucard, and yourself, kill them. They will arrive tonight..."

Within nanoseconds, Integra's "Happy Daisies For All" mood had disappeared and had been replaced with a "Search and Destroy" mood...

.:Seras' Room:.

Just as I had placed a piece of mint on Seras' coffin, I heard a screech from above,"THEY'RE GOING TO BE WHAT?!" Seras, who sat some distance from me on a chair, winced at the scream as I dropped my feather duster. I had a white bandanna on my head, she was kind enough to even let me have it so it could soak up the sweat. Seras quietly said,"I wonder what happened..." I shrugged and tossed her a mint. "Gee, thanks, I wish I could eat it, though..." I tossed her a blood pack. "Hey!"

"What am I? The snack bar? Enjoy it!" I snapped as I quickly rolled the cart out; the door slammed behind me. At least finished her room,now I can move on to Alucard. I didn't bother knocking and strode right in; it lacked furniture and other things. A chair and coffee table was the only thing there, and then there was the coffin. I dusted the throne-like seat of the No Life King and cleared the small table.

There was no bathroom or wardrobe, but a red bow tie that Alucard wears sat on the coffin. A small note was pinned next to it:

"Maid, I want you to clean this, Sir Integra "accidentally" spilled grape wine on it two minutes ago. Don't ask me how she got down here and then back upstairs within that time-limit with out you seeing her, I think she was on something..."

It was just a small dot, but oh well, might as well clean the damn thing. Before leaving the vast room of nothingness, a funny thought came across my mind. Right in my back pocket was a sharpie marker, in front of me was a sleeping man. Any ideas? Anyone?

.:My Room:.

BEEEEEEEP!

The pornography magazine that I stole from Pip's stash flew across the room when the doorbell rang at night time. My phone on the nightstand alarmed me and I answered,"Restaurant le Crap, wanna make a reservation?"

"Matt? There will be two people sleeping in your room, I want you to set their beds and meet me at the stairs," Walter instructed me. "And make sure to wear the suit, we have guests."

"From where?"

"The Vatican."

My eyebrow was raised as I hung up the phone and quickly stripped off my pants to replace it with the new ones. The shirt slid on easily and the pants were lighter than any other that I had worn. When I got to the first floor, Integra, Alucard, and Walter were already greeting the new guests. Yumiko and Heinkel sat on everyone's luggage; Father Anderson was smiling as he stifled laughs; Maxwell talked to Integra, trying to get on her good side in order to stay and make the Hellsing Estate their temporary headquarters.

"We thank you greatly for giving us...blah, blah, blah."

"Ah, Matt, ladies," Walter adressed to the nun and priest,"This is your roommate. Take their belongings to their room and guide them. I'll take care of the rest; you're free to do as you please for the rest of the day, but tomorrow will be harder."

"All right, right this way, ma'am and uh....-"

Truth is, I'm still confused: is Heinkel a chick or a dude?

"Ma'am...." Heinkel replied kindly. "I get that a lot..."

"Uuuuuhhhhh....right!"

Chick it is...

That's one mystery solved, what's next?

When we reached the hallway of my room, Pip was waiting at my door with a hammer in hand; I cowered behind Yumiko and whimpered,"Wake up Yumie!"

"How do you know of-?"

"Oi, Matt!" Pip growled, Yumiko sidestepped to the left, leaving me exposed to the mercenary. "Why is my best suit PINK?! Why are my boxers, shirts, and socks PINK?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Next time, let ME do my own laundry!" I backed away, but he advanced towards me. "PINK! Matt! PINK!" He was wearing a pink shirt and boxer. Yumiko responded,"Um...not to impose, but it looks good on you Mr...?"

"Pip," he answered.

"Mr. Pip, it looks great..." Pip instantly blushed and rubbed the back of his head bashfully,"Aw, shucks, you don't have to say that, mon amour..." He grabbed me by my collar and pressed me against the wall. "You got lucky this time, maid." The captain retreated to his room and slammed the door, causing me to jump in fright. We heard French curses and a loud thud fallowed by glass shattering.

"SHIT FUCK! MY MOTHER'S VASE!"

Just as my hand touched the door nob, Alucard materialized behind the three of us. Heinkel took out her gun and aimed it at him out of a reflex action, Yumiko nearly fainted but I couldn't help but laugh at his face,"Had you looked the mirror lately, Alucard?"

Drawn across his pale face, in Sharpie marker, were thick glasses, a mustache that curves at the end, scars, stars, happy faces, and an over-sized beauty mark (mole). Heinkel got a better look at him and burst into tears and laughter,"No wonder why Father Anderson was laughing earlier! Y-yumiko! Look!"

Yumiko stared for a minute then clutched on to my arm for support as she started laughing as hard as me. Eventually, we all fell down clutching our stomachs and wiping our eyes.

"Matt..." he snarled at me,"You....Are....Dead!" The Jackal was pointed at my head but then Integra's voice called out for him. Before vanishing through the floor, he threatened me,"I'll get you if it is the last thing I do..." I cringed slightly while opening my door to the two ladies and letting them go in first. I trailed behind with ten trunks and bags, just how much do they need to live here?!

Heinkel and Yumiko did rock-paper-scissors for the top bunk: Heinkel won and Yumiko took the twin bed while I had the bottom bunk. Once their clothes were in their wardrobes and they had gotten comfortable and had their meals, we started introducing each other after changing into our sleepwear; Yumiko wore light blue pajamas, Heinkel had a black night gown, and I was in a white shirt and checkered boxers.

"Well, I'm Matt the Head Household Maid-"

"Hold on," Heinkel interrupted me, she sat on her bunk as Yumiko and me sat on her bed. "You're a guy that's dressed as a butler but you're a maid..."

"I know, it's strange...but it's the only job available here."

"How come you don't have an accent?" Yumiko asked.

"I'm from America."

"Oh...then how'd you get to England?"

"...through a grandfather clock...a corpse pulled me in...that's even stranger..."

"Ve don't find that extremely strange; Ve've seen vorse."

"Duh, you guys are assassins that work for a top secret organization that fights the undead. No doubt you'll see a zombie."

What we really should be talking about is why the fuck Heinkel is wearing a dress...

Recap, there are two Catholics in the room and one Protestant (me, if you're clueless) and they don't seem to be fighting or arguing with me...they seem pretty nice as long as Yumie doesn't pop up and slice my head head open for just being non-Catholic. We just talked like NORMAL people even though Hellsing the manga doesn't HAVE normal, calm people who DON'T try to take over the world or so on. This was like a dorm room at a collage or a university where students talked and chilled out.

Soon enough, we all went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night hearing Heinkel snore like a bull and her foot dangling on the side of the bed. My hands carefully pushed it back to the bed but it fell again. I found a random strip of cloth and tied her foot to the bed frame so it wouldn't fall; Yumiko was awake too, she giggled at me,"It takes a while to get used to it...her snores...but she won't be happy to find herself tied to the bed post..."

"Heinkel won't mind, she's smart," I responded.

"You know, I'm a bit hungry...well...Yumie is, actually..."

"Oh, all right. We can sneak into the kitchen, the cooks aren't there and I don't think there are cameras or alarms..."

I tossed her my robes while placing on my own and we quietly sneaked out of my room with a flashlight.

"Before we go, I need to know...what do you want?"

"Um...." she seems nicer in person than in the manga. "How about some milk and cookies?"

"And cake?" I suggested as we stood there.

"Sounds great!..." yep, this nun's got a sweet tooth...

"Brownies?"

"Okey!..."

"Any other sweets?"

"Yay!..."

"Yosh, let's go raid the fridge..."

"Won't we get caught?"

"Nah, I'm the only staff member they have...we can't possibly get into trouble..."

And so our journey began but what we didn't know was that a certain Frenchman dressed in pink was stalking us, muttering,"Revenge...Revenge...Revenge!" and stubbing his toe on a random wall with his Pooh Bear stuff toy in his hands......

To anyone who is kind:

I need to know about the British currency, so if anyone knows it inside out, give me full details about it in a review.

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