Thoughts flew rapidly through Carlisle's mind as he processed my words and considered his response. I saw an image of Carlisle with Esme-- just a flash, as he quickly banished the inappropriate thoughts and tried to focus his attention on Bella and me. Of course, I'd seen memories and fantasies of this type from many people, many times, including every member of my family. I had very little first-hand experience but loads of second-hand information. Could my predicament be any more bizarre?
If only I could be with Bella and not be on guard against the fragility of her body! My need for her felt so overwhelming that I knew I'd never want to stop making love to her. But she was human. She had to sleep, to eat, and to be shielded from my superhuman strength. I hated the thought of risking her soft skin, her heartbeat, her blood, so alive with fragrance, her fascinating mind, her precious soul. As for potentially losing those things, I couldn't even think about it. I buried my head in my hands as I fell back into the old tug-of-war between what I wanted and what was best, right, safe.
Meanwhile, Carlisle reflected on the extensive damage Rose and Emmett had done over the years and contrasted the wreckage with the injuries he'd treated Bella for. Finally, he spoke.
"Edward, this is wonderful news. You know that Bella is already a daughter to us. We've been hoping....But!" His tone of voice abruptly changed, and my head came up so that I could look at his expression. "This other matter is very serious."
I knew he was speaking out loud so that he could choose his words carefully. He wanted me to attend to the polished version of his thoughts, not the unedited stream that I had access to. I nodded.
"It will be very dangerous for Bella."
"But you think it's possible?" I had intended to listen quietly to whatever he had to say, but my question burst out as wild hope surged through me.
"Look at what you've already done, son," he replied.
The hope crumbled as I thought of the danger, the pain, the anguish I'd brought to her life, but he was shaking his head.
"Edward," he continued, "so many times she could have died and every time you were strong enough, fast enough, careful enough to save her. I know how hard it was in the beginning for you to be near her without taking her life and her blood. At first you had to stay hundreds of miles away! But in Phoenix you drank her blood and yet you stopped. I'm so proud of you."
It was my turn to shake my head. I didn't deserve his praise.
"I think you can handle it, Edward," Carlisle said firmly. His thoughts were confident. I know you can. To let your instincts take over, but still rule them. To give in to sensation, but remain in control. You've done it before, out of love for her.
Yes, I had done the impossible, but I didn't know how I had managed. Should I put Bella's life in jeopardy and count on another miracle? And for what? In Phoenix something had to be done. Now, it was entirely unnecessary—except that Bella, who never asked for anything for herself, who flatly refused so many things I wanted to give her, inexplicably wanted this. I could see her eyes gazing at me, brimming with love and happiness. Incredibly, she wanted me.
"I want to believe you," I began. I paused, and Carlisle waited patiently for me to sort through my thoughts. "I don't even know what to ask!" My frustration and desperation boiled over.
It's all new for you. Carlisle smiled fondly as he reassured me. I understand. I'll help you with anything you want to know. You know I won't hide anything… even if I could.
"Carlisle," I said. "You are the best father I could ever imagine."
His unspoken, pleased reaction provoked a twinge of guilt. I knew how much Carlisle and Esme cared about me and about my siblings and Bella, because I heard them all the time, thinking about each of us with so much attention and affection. But for them to know how I felt, I had to show it, and I really should do so more often. I felt an amazing sense of security knowing that I had his love and support. He could help me prepare for this extraordinary experience and responsibility.
"What is it like? What should I expect? I've seen thousands of love scenes, of course, in books and movies." And in people's minds, he knew as well as I, but I didn't mention that source of information. "Is it the same for us as for humans?"
"Physical love is a very powerful thing. You know humans often have many partners, and some of us choose that lifestyle as well, but strong emotions can change us permanently. It's not something to be taken lightly. But you don't need to worry about that. Bella has already changed you completely, nearly as much as she herself will be changed someday."
Another twinge of guilt—no, a stab of guilt ran through me at the thought of suffering Bella would have to endure then and of the utter finality of this step. But at least I had succeeded in postponing that day. Even though her physical desires were creating a problem for me, they had also resulted in her agreeing to be my wife and to delay her transformation. There was always a bright side to following Bella's unexpected choices.
"All our senses are heightened, everything is more intense for us than for humans, and that includes physical love. It is like nothing else."
"But then how can I keep her safe?" I asked. I'd seen the aftermath of Emmett and Rosalie's nights myself, many times.
"When I first thought of practicing medicine," he began, "it seemed as impossible and as reckless as this idea might seem. Did I ever tell you about my first attempts to be near patients with flowing blood?"
I saw the memory from more than a century before. Carlisle and his mentor, an older physician, stood in a poorly lit room. On a bed against the opposite wall lay an injured man. I could hear his ragged breathing, see the stained bandages, and smell the fresh blood permeating the air. Carlisle's companion was looking at him anxiously, asking if he felt well.
"I pretended to feel sick at the sight and smell of blood so that I had a reason for entering the room cautiously— and an excuse in case I had to flee." We both smiled. "I was quite unsure of myself at first. But I never did endanger anyone. There were times early on when the scent of blood became too much for me, and I simply left. Always in the forefront of my mind was the imperative to help, to heal, and it was easy to refrain from hurting. I believe it will be the same for you."
I had lived with Carlisle and his extraordinary self-control for so long that I had come to take it for granted. Now I realized there had been a first time for him, too, and he had been nervous. He hadn't always succeeded completely in what he set out to do, but never had he failed completely. I felt marvelously reassured and even optimistic.
"You already have so much practice, Edward," he continued. "You're fully accustomed to being near her, being gentle with her."
Maybe I could do this, I thought. "You've always been an inspiration to me," I said, and again, his mind filled with gratification at my affectionate words. "Your story is exactly what I needed to hear. It gives me the courage to try."
I could have said more, but I knew words weren't necessary. I looked into his golden eyes, his loving expression, and he returned my gaze. I could hear that his thoughts mirrored mine. Both of our lives had changed completely and irrevocably when our paths had crossed so many years before. From one point of view, it was the worst day of my existence, the day my soul was condemned to the fire. But from another, I had to admit that my encounter with Carlisle was the greatest good fortune. That day had brought into my life the best man I would ever know, and now our path had led to another person whose love enriched me immeasurably even though I did not and could never deserve it—my Bella. I love you, son. I'm so happy that you and Bella have found each other. Now our family is complete.