"Get out of the way!" I yelled and pushed one of the Survey Corps members to the side. Suddenly I find myself in the hands of a 8 meter titan. I'm going to die on my very first mission...

I'm going to die.

I look at the permanent, expressionless eyes of a monster. His smile freaks me out. A mouth that is unnecessarily large with teeth to match. Why are these monsters always smiling? Why are they eating people? This isn't fair. There's not much I can do to defend myself.

Suddenly I was a little girl again. I was helpless and afraid of these giant monsters that roam outside the walls. Afraid of not being able to live my life to the fullest. Afraid to be eaten by things that will just throw me up later. In the titans dead eyes, I could see my reflection: My jet black hair tied loosely to the side and my dark eyes just staring back at it, but... I looked so emotionless. So defeated. Did I really just give up with no signs of struggle? And of all moments, I remembered my mom... hopeless, defeated, falling... dead.

Then I look at the girl I just saved. Completely petrified. In complete shock that the roles could have been switched or was she upset that I just gave up so quickly? Her long blonde hair almost standing up and her green eyes just widened in horror.

She can still die here. Why is she just standing there? She needs to get out of here.

I snapped out of it for a minute. "What are you doing?! Run!" I demanded her.

But suddenly I fell to the ground and the Titan fell after me. I noticed part of his neck was cut off as I was being pulled out of the hands of the Titan.

A familiar voice called out to me. "Are you okay? Can you stand?" The man that promised that nothing would happen to me was calling out to me. Levi Ackerman. At first glance I just recognized his face as the super serious, dead in the eyes, person he was.

"I'm sorry, it's my fault it was coming right at me and it caught me by surprise." The girl said.

I was still staring at the hand of the monster and beyond that the eyes of it. Even in his steaming death, the face looked the same.

"Carrie!"

I snapped out of the trance and looked at him in the eyes. I just noticed that he was holding me close to him. In his eyes, he was generally concerned for me. "Yes, I can still stand. I can fight."

"I'm sorry, it was really my fault." The girl said.

"It's fine. I got it from here. Keep moving or the formation will be broken. We'll be right behind you." He said.

She did what she was told and used her 3D maneuver gear to move through the trees.

"Here, I'll help you up." He said as he pulled me up.

"Thank you. I-" I began to say, but he interrupted me.

"You can tell me later, now we need to move. What you did was brave, and you survived. With that in mind, we're vulnerable down here. We need to keep moving."

It didn't matter if I trusted him or not. I looked up at Levi and he was genuinely helping me. I heard a lot about him before I joined the military. He was making a name for himself as a merciless Titan killer, able to kill a lot of Titans by himself. If I want to continue living and want to do what I joined the Survey Corps for, I need to be like him... "Of course." I moved up through the branches to catch up with the rest of the squad.

I can't believe I let myself just give up like that. Even if it was for a minute, I let myself be defeated by that ridiculous Titan. I won't do that again... I can't.

I had to remember the expeditions goal today: eliminate as many titans as you can.

When we got back I noticed that only three other people that I graduated with got back of the twelve others that joined. I remember overhearing some of them while we were preparing for the mission. They were so excited to kill some Titans and come back feeling like heroes. It was just silence now as we rode back to the safety of the walls. Among the three that made it, the girl I saved earlier was one of them. At least I knew that the saving her wasn't in vain.

She noticed me and had her horse fall back to meet mine. Honestly, I couldn't even remember her name, but to be fair I didn't really want to learn anyone's name. "Thank you for what you did back there... I totally froze as soon as I saw it coming toward me. I thought it was a variant."

"It's okay… I would have done it for anyone."

"So, uh… how many did you kill? I actually managed to help take down two."

Five before I saved you and three after I saved you. "I got two." I lied.

"By yourself?!"

For the most part. "I got one by myself." At least that wasn't really a lie.

"That's amazing." She said, and suddenly I was kind of glad I didn't tell her the truth. "I think it's amazing that Levi saved you. I'm a little jealous." She started blushing.

"What? Why?" I was in the hands of the Titan, and I could have died.

"A lot of girls have crushes on him, though he's very unapproachable…" she looked forward, toward him. "He chose you to be on his team right? Well… I mean of course. You were in the top ten of the graduates...Sorry, you probably don't remember me."

"I just didn't really make friends… everyone was threatened by me."

"Well I'm Joyce." She smiled at me. "I'll stop bothering you, but consider me your first friend in the Survey Corps, Carrie. Thank you for saving me." She had her horse go back to where she was originally as we arrived into town. I remembered how it was as the bystanders watching the Survey Corps come back, I never understood why there was a mixture of excitement and disappointment when we left and came back. We did this for them… I don't see them fighting.

Spirits were low when we came back and as we were eating in the food hall. I sat on the end of the hall and just observed everyone. Everyone was just staring down at their food, eating quietly. Before we left, everyone was trying to brighten each others spirits and get excited for the expedition.

"Come see me when you're done, I'll be in the debriefing room." Levi came over to say to me.

I watched him walk away, probably already headed to the debriefing room.

I quickly finished my food and walked toward the debriefing room. I didn't know why I was being asked to meet him there. I put my hand on the door and for some reason I hesitated.

"Stop hesitating and get in here!" I heard him yell.

I sighed and opened the door.

I've never seen the debriefing room. It was mostly plain. It had four wooden chairs surrounding a table. Levi was sitting at a chair facing me, holding a pencil with some paper in front of him.

"Close the door behind you."

I did what he told me to do and sat down across of him.

"What the hell was that back there? I know you're new, but I expected a little more from you." I assume this was Levi's legendary insulting tone.

"What is this…"

"Debriefing, isn't obvious? You gave up as soon as you were captured. You were still holding your blades and could have sliced your way out of there. You choked." He sighed, took a deep breath. "Sorry…"

"You're apologizing…?"

"As your team leader I am supposed to debrief you, especially since you're new and in a near – death situation. Why didn't you fight back? Why did you freeze?"

"I don't know."

We sat there for a while. "You thought about your mom didn't you…"

"Isn't it normal to see dead people during a near-death experience?"

"The way she died affected you… that's why you froze. You saw her while you were about to be eaten because that's how she died right?"

I shot out of my seat. "What do you know about that?!"

"The second reason why I picked you was because no one knows anything about you. You have a fake name and your background is completely fake. Anyone else that would have had you on their team wouldn't know what they're getting into, and you're endangering everyone else."

"Tell me what you know about my mother…" I demanded.

"She was eaten by Titans when you were young."

"How do you know that?"

He stood up and lifted his shirt to reveal a nasty scar on the side of his stomach. It stretched itself across part of his abs, like a crack in Wall Maria. It looked years old. I had no clue why he was showing me his scar.

"You've lost me…"

"Tell me about that day." He tucked his shirt back in and walked around the table so he was closer to me. I didn't say anything. "You don't need to trust me, but that girl you saved and many other people are going to or already trust you. You don't need to come clean about who you really are, but you need to tell me what happened. All this isn't healthy."

I started shaking. "I killed eight Titans today half of them were by myself. I don't think my mother's death is affecting my performance!"

"Is it driving you? What if you give up again? Do you want to join your mom?"

"I'm not joining her."

"Tell me what happened that day." He said while looking irritated.

"I've never talked about that day and you can be sure I'm not telling you today! You seem to know everything, what are you? A psychic? Cause that scar doesn't tell me anything. Are you just trying to show off your body to me?" I was breathing heavily, deeply frustrated by this situation. "I'm leaving."

I try to turn around for the door but he grabs my hand, and turns me around.

"I couldn't save you."

"What? Stop acting all weird!" He pushes me against the wall. "Levi…" He starts leaning toward me. "Wha-what…" I shut my eyes but nothing happens. I look up at him.

"I'm sorry…"