my smile is my tear
I know you love him - or at least you think you do -, and it kills me every milisecond of every second of every minute of every hour of every day.
I love to think back of those day when we first met, when I thought I had a chance. The way you twirled your chestnut brown hair around your finger as you talked to me, and you spilled your secrets to me, the ones you'd never admit to anyone else. The way you showed your true self, the one that was jealous of every girl in the world, the one that felt guilty for the names she slammed, the one that felt insecure, needy and unloved.
I was dying to prove you wrong on the last one.
.
It started freshmen year in high school. We'd been loose friends, smiling at each other, but nothing more. I'd always marveled over your beauty, far beyond other girl. Then, during lunch when you tripped and spilled your lunch down my shirt, you insisted it was my fault. I rolled my eyes, but as soon as we left the cafeteria, you wouldn't stop apologizing.
That's when I knew you were different. You weren't afraid to say things to other people, you weren't afriad of anything. I know you just felt guilty for my ruined Raplh Lauren shirt, but when you started talking to me, I loved everything about it. The way you're nose flexed when you laughed, the twinkle in your amber eyes as you cracked a sarcastic joke, the way you listended to everything I said.
I knew that somehow, I'd fall for you
.
"Joshua Christopher, why don't you have a girlfriend. You're too sexy to be single!" You'd giggle, slapping my arm as we sat tangled up on my leather couch, watching endless chick-flicks, my guilty pleasure.
"I'm waiting for the right girl," I'd reply everytime, wondering if you picked up on the hint. But you'd just throw your head back and laugh, so I guessed you never did.
It hurt to watch you and Cam Fisher hug in the hallways, even though you admitted to me you only liked him as a friend. I felt the empty pang in my heart when you had your first kiss with Landon Crane during gym class, even though you thought he was a terrible kisser. And I felt sick to my stomach when you told me that Kemp Hurley was your very first boyfriend.
"Are you okay Josh? You look angry." You'd notice, watching me with pure concern in your eyes.
"I'm fine." I'd reply, watching you shrug your shoulder and skip down the hallways, Kemp sliding his disgusting arm around your waist as I punched a wall.
.
"One year left Josh. Can you believe we only met two years ago? I feel like we've known each other forever." You'd say, leaning back into my chest to look up at the night sky. I'd breath in the scent of your hair, satin with vanilla.
"Nope. I can honestly say I can't. You're too amazing to be put into a two year mark Massie Rose." I'd say, grinning as you'd turn to slap me playfully before falling back into my arms, just like you did when Kemp hurt you. I'd listen to you sob endlessly, saying how much you hated that slut Claire Lyons for sleeping with him behind your back. I'd agree, but secretly, I was glad she did.
"Josh, you see the big dipper?" You point out the jumble of stars in the sky. I open my mouth to say yes, but then I see something else.
"Look Mass, a shooting star!" I whispered in your ear, pointing out the blazing light.
"Make a wish," You say, and I can almost feel you close your eyes and mouth something to yourself. So I do the same, but I'm not sure our wishes are the same, even though I want them to be, so bad.
'Cause I'm wishing for you to notice me.
.
Suddenly, three months before the start of our senior year, things start to change.
First you grew needy, right in the beginning of summer, begging me to sleepover (which I did, not that I minded), asking me to, please, run to the store and get you a Ben&Jerry's (which I did, always getting your favorite, 'cookies&milk'), and telling me to, just this once, get you a little bottle of the vokda you loved so much (which I did, more than once).
Then, when school started, you got bored. You'd say you didn't want to hang out after school, claiming that you needed to sleep, or your parents were fighting and you didn't want me to hear it. When we walked in the hallways together, you rushed from class to class, just barely paying attention to the words I was saying. Sometimes, you'd even run into class late, your mascara smugged, tiny little bags under your beautiful eyes.
"Massie, what's wrong?" I'd ask every time.
"Nothing's wrong Josh," You'd snap, "I'm perfectly fine."
Then, in the dead of winter, just when things were starting to change into spring, you got even worse. You'd insist that I take you to all the weekend parties (that you use to think were just beer pools), then ditch me in the first five minutes. Sometime's I'd see you in the middle of the dance floor, a red plastic cup to your mouth, or I'd see you with some guy - the same guy, every time - holding his hand as he lead you to a different room.
Yous stopped getting rides from me, and you always came to class late now, make up running, baggy clothes and a sweet, smokey smell stuck to your skin. I found you with that guy - the blond, with the puppy dog eyes that I knew you always fell for - more and more often, leaning on his shoulder or hanging off his arm. I'd see you two after school, sharing a bowl, taking deep hits, laughing and kissing in his car, and it stabbed through my heart everytime. I still hung around though, becuase you were the drug I needed. I'd lived on you for so long, I couldn't breath without you.
But I finally hit the bottom.
The last week of school, and it had been three weeks since you had talked to me. I was writhering away inside, but you must've not noticed, because you were to busy losing yourself.
That day had been particularly bad, and I had asked to go to the nurse. Maybe get a ride home, where I would flip over the scrapbooks you and I had made together over the years, the ones where your eyes aren't clouded over, and your smile is real and pure. The ones where your hair still had it's shine, and the ones where I had been heels over head for you. Those years.
Anyways, I was walking out, thinking of what illness I could feign, when I heard some sort of moan behind me. I spun around to see you, pushed up against the lockers, breathing heavily, your legs wrapped around his body, while he stuck his tongue halfway down your throat. I couldn't look away.
Did you realixe how much I loved you? How much I needed you?
While you smiled with your eyes closed, ripping your shirt off over your head - something which you use to think was totally whore-ish - and continuing to make little moans as he moved lower, I felt my heart explode.
I'd always heard of people's hearts breaking, but I always thought of it as a myth, one of the things you think will never happen to you. But it did. My heart shattered, breaking apart and blowing away in the wind, somewhere far away so it could never be put back.
So I turned and ran, out the door, out onto the street, and all the way back into my house. And I found what I had been keeping around for quite a while.
So when you find this note - or if, I guess I should say - I hope you can fight back all those walls of pot and sex and beer and lies, and see what you've mean to me for all of my life. And I hope that you can care enough to at least shead one little tear for me. Just one. That's all I ask. 'Cause after you do, you can get back to fucking your life up.
But when you look back on the years when we were best friends, and almost, almost lovers, please notice one thing.
My smile is my tear.
.
So, what did'ya think? I know this was sad, but I've been dying to write a Mosh, and this was on my mind.
to xoxoDDLSG, I'll write you a Massington next, I promise. I just had to get this one out first. But the Massington is definatley next. :)
Review.
xoxo, join. me. in. the. thunder