"Stepping Time" Chapter 2 of ?
The main characters of Law and Order SVU belong to Dick Wolf and NBC Universal. This is meant for entertainment, not profit.* There are several characters I have created. I am not sure how many chapters this fan fiction story will be. I hope you enjoy, and I welcome feedback.
Olivia paused and then asked Casey if she wanted another beer. She had opened the door for Casey as she knew she needed to talk. When Casey had paused before answering her question, Liv was sure that Casey was going to answer yes on a gay vibe. Olivia was still internally wrestling with the gay vibe herself, but she had known for years she was in love with Alex Cabot.
"Case, are you sure you are up to listening to this," Liv said handing Casey another beer.
"Liv I know she left again. It's been like 3 months since she took the leave of absence to work on that international task force."
"Three months and eight days," the detective smirked. "How did you know about my feelings for Alex?"
"I don't know that I really do know," Casey said. "It was intimidating as hell to try and step into the role of the legendary Alexandra Cabot," she recalled. "You still made me feel welcome Liv, and I'll always appreciate that. As we worked together more and then began grabbing the occasional drink at Maloney's with the guys I noticed how you reacted when Alex's name would come up whether it was an old case or recollections of funny moments you all shared at that same bar or in the bullpen."
"Was I that obvious?" Liv questioned.
"Well you had a pattern," Casey smiled. "If her name came up over drinks you would only listen in or contribute so long before you would excuse yourself to the bathroom or to the bar for another round and if we were at work you were almost always quick to bring the discussion back to the present."
"Damn Casey, pretty observant," Olivia sighed.
"Well, if you remember I use to be an ADA," she laughed. "But I wasn't sure of the depth of the feelings between you two until Alex came back to testify at the Connors' trial. When she came into my office and you saw each other again, I'm not even sure how to describe it, surreal doesn't begin to capture."
Olivia interrupted, "And here it is over five years later and I still can't put the words to seeing her again and spending that night with her."
"That was the first time you two made love?" Casey questioned softly.
A single tear trailed down Liv's right cheek and she took a deep breath and said, "We never have Casey."
"Oh Liv," Casey said wrapping her arms around the broken detective and pulling her into an embrace. Casey grabbed a throw pillow from the corner of the couch and placed it on her lap and Liv lowered her head to it facing away from Casey.
"God Casey, I don't know there were so many emotions in the 10 hours of that night we had together. I had so much fear prior to her being shot of telling her that I felt more than friend," she corrected, "that I was in love with her."
Casey gently massaged Liv's right shoulder and arm urging her to continue talking. She knew Liv let very few people inside the walls around her heart and soul and her time working with veterans and her relationship with Jeff had further demonstrated the importance of verbalizing experiences, fears, hurts and hopes.
"I know rationally what ifs only drive you fucking insane, but just before the Zapata/Velez case she had asked me if I would want to go away with her for a few days at the end of the month to her uncle's cabin in the Adirondacks."
"So that would have been around Halloween," Casey interjected.
"Yes," Liv laughed. "I was so happy and shocked at the same time by the invitation that I first joked she probably could avoid trick-or-treaters without fleeing to the mountains."
"Benson," the blonde woman laughed.
"I know," she smirked. "But we were going to go and it was only three weeks away. And I was nervous, but yet I was so happy. Even with my fears, I didn't figure Alex Cabot was asking me to go to an isolated cabin in the mountains for fly fishing."
"No detective, I just don't see Cabot in rubber waders." They both laughed at the image.
"Five days later my hands are covered in her blood as she lay lifeless on the sidewalk-and I'm pleading and promising and cursing the violence in this world yet again. I honestly don't recall anything between when they loaded her in the ambulance until I saw her alive for that brief moment before they hauled her away."
By this time Casey had tears streaming down her cheeks as well.
"I came back here that night or early morning and I opened up a bottle of whiskey and drank to my happiness that she was alive and my anger that she had been taken away."
"And then?"
"After a few days of feeling sorry for myself, I threw myself back into the job. I didn't know if I would ever see her again, although at one point I decided if she was still in WPP after I retired I would track her down."
Olivia got up and walked to the kitchen grabbing bottled waters for both of them. She sat on the floor with her back leaning of the couch and her legs extended under the coffee table. Casey stretched her legs out on the couch above her, her head resting on the opposite side of the couch so she could see Liv's profile as she spoke. The detective explained that Alex told her that night they had together when she came back for the Connor's trial that Hammond said she would be relocated again with a new identity. She just didn't know how quickly it would happen.
"I asked her whether she had made any friends in Wisconsin, and she told me she had been seeing a man. And although I felt jealousy with her having sex with him, the pain hit more when she was talking about him holding her at night."
"The intimacy," Casey commented.
"Yes," Olivia sighed. "I felt, sometimes still feel, I let her down by not protecting her, that I should have seen the SUV coming around the corner sooner, something. And there was someone else there in Wisconsin making her feel protected and comforted."
"Did you tell her that?" Casey asked.
"She saw the hurt in my eyes. I just told her that it was good she had someone there for her and then I gave her Connors' file. I figured if I couldn't protect her physically the best I could do was to do whatever I could to help ensure Connors' was put away."
Liv explained that she had sat in the windowsill alternately staring at the city and Alex as she read through the file. Alex had only commented occasionally while reading and Olivia said nothing without being prompted by her.
"At midnight exactly she closed the file, took off her glasses and went into the bathroom and changed into some sweats. And then she settled on the bed and asked me if I would hold her. She lay awake in my arms, with her head on my chest and my hand stroking her hair for the next two hours. At times we both were crying and at others I just listened to her talk about not knowing if she was Alex Cabot anymore and if she would, could be ever again."
"And you?" Casey asked.
"I lay there awake the next two hours holding her, watching her sleep and thinking how grateful I was to have her in my arms, and pissed at the reality that it would soon end."
And when the alarm had awoken them at seven, Alex was still wrapped in Olivia's arms her head on her chest. They laid together in silence for 10 minutes before Alex sat up, looked into Olivia's deep brown eyes and squeezed her right hand in hers. She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on the detective's forehead and then gazed into her eyes once again before saying "Thank you. I love you Liv," and heading to the shower.
"I told her I loved her too," Olivia continued. "That last hour together went by so quickly. It was eight and Elliott was there to take us to the courthouse. But spending that night together gave me hope, but I so wanted another one with her. When Hammond came in your office after the verdict and said she and Antonio were gone, it was that hope and finally knowing for sure that she did love me that gave me some strength."
"Do you still have that hope?" Casey said sitting up and sliding on the couch towards where Olivia was sitting on the floor.
Liv bit her lip and leaned her head back before turning her head towards Casey and answering. "I don't know. There has been so much that has happened since then to both of us. And we have both done and not done things since she left WPP that," Olivia began crying and Casey slid to the floor and held her.
"I don't know if there is more hope and love, than there is fear, hurt, and change."