(part 2 of 3)
花
Satoshi kisses Mayaka on Graduation Day.
It's a kiss that reveals too much. Tells her how much he likes her and how much he tries not to show it and how much he doesn't want to be with her. Mayaka doesn't breathe, his lips still grazing hers, and for one heartbeat, she thinks that everything's okay between them. The feeling quickly passes when she jumps back, slapping her hand over her mouth, reality catching up, curdling around her ankles. The back of the school gym is quiet and if this were a shoujo manga she'd be blushing and sputtering and her heart would be trilling 'doki-doki' but Mayaka doesn't feel any of that now.
She wants to ask him 'why'. After hurdling through middle school and high school, all those years of dodging and running away, of fending off her advances, before deciding it's alright for him to kiss her just because it's Graduation Day. It's her first kiss. She's angry. Of course she's always wanted her first kiss to be Satoshi. Of course. But not like this. The worst of it all is that a huge part of her had still enjoyed it.
He looks at her, biting his lip, and Mayaka glares at her shoelaces, betrayed, even as a part of her still wants to bury into his arms and hope that he can make things better. But Satoshi knows how to make everything better only where it doesn't concern her and him. In the end, she turns and runs and Satoshi doesn't give chase.
In the auditorium bathed in the afternoon sun, the third years sing their school anthem with pride, sending their wishes and dreams soaring into the sky. In the girl's restroom, Mayaka nurses her red eyes and flushes the soggy tissue paper down the toilet.
"What do you guys think?" Mayaka looks up from her drawing desk.
"Sorry, Ibara-san?" Ao asks, combing her hair to one side.
"Which ending is better for this story? The one where they get together and break up, or the one where they never get together to begin with?"
"Both suck, if you ask me," Akai says, morose as she tones the pages.
"Which are you going to choose, Ibara-san?" Midori tilts her head.
Mayaka massages the ache in her right hand.
Houtarou and Eru get married in autumn, between summer's heat and winter's cold. It's a nice season framed with orange leaves and the scent of change in the air. The wedding itself is traditional as per the Chitanda's wishes, held at the Shinto shrine where Mayaka used to volunteer at during New Years. The reception is far less systematic and ceremonial – Eru sheds her thick, heavy kimono for a sophisticated gown, white and regal with a billowing skirt. The only similarity the two events share is the presence of Houtarou's older sister: snapping photos with her digital camera nonstop, even more than Satoshi, and grinning at Houtarou's dismay. Mayaka likes Houtarou's sister.
"How's QCS?" Satoshi asks her during the reception. His gaze doesn't stray for once and Mayaka thinks that maybe it's because of the dress she's wearing, red and off the shoulder. She makes a mental note to thank Eru for helping her pick it.
"It's good. The third volume just got released and it got sold out pretty fast, so I hope I can keep this series going for the long run."
"I think it's nice. It'll definitely be here to stay," Satoshi says.
Mayaka pokes her fork at her rice. "You don't have to read it, Fuku-chan," she tells him, and Satoshi shakes his head in reply.
"I don't read it because I have to. I read it because I want to." And because he sounds sincere in that particular way of his, Mayaka doesn't know what to reply without reminding him how much she loves him. They stop talking for a while after that as a few couples from the tables around them get up and move towards the ballroom floor. Mayaka places her fork down on the edge of the plate and lays her hands on her knees, one on top of the other. Before Satoshi has to avoid asking her to dance, someone taps his shoulder. It's the bride.
"Ah, Chi – no, Eru-san. Sorry. I'm still not used to that name," Satoshi laughs and squints, as if he's blinded by her beauty.
"It's fine, Satoshi-san. I was wondering if you would like to dance?"
"Gee, isn't it usually the guy who asks the girl?" Satoshi chuckles. He still stands up from his chair to escort Eru to the open floor. Mayaka watches them go, trying to appreciate the remaining juice in her glass. Before she can wonder where Houtarou sneaked off to, she feels a familiar, gloomy presence hovering over her shoulder. She turns to see him standing awkwardly behind her chair and snickers at the sight of him packaged in a nice, ironed suit.
"What?" Mayaka asks, downing the rest of her drink.
Houtarou blinks. He holds a hand out to her.
"If you step on my feet, I'm going to punch holes in yours," she says as she slides out of her seat.
"Such elegance becomes you, Ibara."
…
"What?" Mayaka asks Houtarou for the second time that night. He's an adequate waltzer. It's pleasantly surprising and is such a feat that he earns a little more respect from Mayaka. Mayaka is stingy with the respect she offers to Houtarou. Eru must have forced him through some form of lessons. Houtarou moves with a quiet slowness that fits him and Mayaka doesn't complain because it's been a long time since she could slow down.
"I was just wondering if Neru-chan is going to end up with Tobio or Hayato," Houtarou replies, referring to the main love triangle in Queen Can't Sleep.
"Neither," she informs him, and revels at the sight of Houtarou's face cringing at the spoilers. When he recovers and gives her a look, like he's thinking hard, Mayaka eyes him with her own look, demanding him to speak.
Houtarou sighs. "That's mean of you, Ibara. For once you have control over something and you still steer it to the worst possible end."
Mayaka grips his arms tight as she hikes her foot, her skirt flaring. She aims before spearing her heel down hard.
志
"Fukube! Listen, listen– " Ryou stops at his desk, perching her rear against the edge.
"'Morning, Ryou-san," he says as he sorts through a stack of articles, tagging them appropriately for editing.
"Hey, is it just me, or are you wearing the same thing you did yesterday? That pink tie looks exactly like the one you had on." The lady stares, edging closer to him.
"Um, I bought two of the same tie because I liked it. Anyway – what did you want to talk to me about?" Satoshi attempts to change the topic. Ryou raises an eyebrow at him, but decides to give him a little bit of leeway today. She must be in a generous mood. She harrumphs and leans back, folding her arms. Her dark hair, braided and ribboned in blue, sits on the curve of her shoulder.
"You up for going drinking with the rest tonight?"
"I don't mind tagging along, but I don't think I'll be drinking," Satoshi says, wondering if Ryou will tease him again. There's a probability that three out of five times, she teases him about his abstinence from sake. Satoshi's been keeping score.
"You know, I've realised that you're always the sober guy, Fukube. Why's that?" Ryou skips the teasing this time and instead chooses to tread on the more fragile aspects. Sometimes she can be as perceptive as Houtarou. The main difference is that Houtarou doesn't think much of his obvious talent. Ryou, on the other hand, thinks too highly of herself. Satoshi stands in between these two types of people, wondering how he wound up in such an excruciating position.
"I just prefer not to drink," he says, finishing the first stack of papers and diving into the second.
"Bad experience?" Ryou asks, and when he doesn't reply, "Bad experience," she decides. The woman sighs to herself, unamused when Satoshi still doesn't spare her a comeback.
"You never pay any attention to me!" she exclaims.
"That's not true," Satoshi lies.
Ryou laughs, satisfied. "Whatever. Then you'll hence forth be known as the DSP!"
It honestly sounds more appealing and professional than his current position. Satoshi doesn't complain as he checks his calendar, counting down the days till he can fly off somewhere and leave everything here behind for a bit.
Mayaka's handphone has been switched off for the fourth day in a row. The same goes for her house phone. She's only just started out with Queen Can't Sleep's serialization so it doesn't make sense for her to already be flooded with work. Satoshi spins a pen in his hand and picks up the phone at his desk. As he dials Houtarou's number, he checks the clock on the office wall. It's about nine o' clock. He should be out of bed now.
"– Houtarou?"
A grumble is his only answer. Looks like Satoshi had been wrong, but he begins talking anyway. He tells Houtarou about Mayaka's sudden disappearance, asking him to go to Chitanda about the matter. "I'm not her personal assistant," he replies after a yawn.
"You're her fiancé." Satoshi shrugs.
"'Not the same thing."
"Houtarou, please?" Satoshi knows he can't refuse him when he begs.
"… Alright. But I don't think Eru will know the answer."
"Why not?"
"If she's switched off her phone, then isn't it likely that she hasn't been calling anyone, including Eru?" Houtarou answers before rising into a yawn.
"But how can Mayaka do that to herself? Stop talking to anyone for days just to finish her work? I'm worried that she's overworking herself."
"Isn't the reason partially because of you?" Houtarou replies in that understanding, perceptive tone that Satoshi used to be so envious of. He's grown to accept it, whether due to age or due to too many wrong deductions, too many mistakes made to ever believe he can be anything like Houtarou. He'd raised a white flag a long time ago. It looks almost disgusting against the backdrop of his shocking pink life. Satoshi tries not to think too much about it.
"… What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb, Satoshi. We're not teenagers anymore," Houtarou says, sounding more awake now.
Satoshi isn't pretending for once. "I really don't know what you're talking about."
Houtarou grunts, sounding somewhat surprised. "You really don't?"
"I don't!" Satoshi covers his mouth when a colleague one desk over motions for him to quieten down. At the other side of the office, Ryou's standing and staring at him with her arms crossed. Satoshi ducks his head in a general apology while Houtarou rolls off the bed on the other end of the line.
"Ibara's always been a determined person. Scarily determined. When she sets her mind on something, I doubt anything can steer her away from it. It's tiring watching her," Houtaru mumbles. "Haven't you noticed that since graduating from university, she's become more driven?"
"Kind of. I thought it was because being a mangaka really puts one through a lot of strain. All those deadlines to meet and working on such tight schedules. Mayaka's something else."
"Exactly. The Ibara we knew in high school probably would crack under all the pressure. The Ibara now though, is handling it pretty well," Houtarou explains, "and it's because she's decided on something. You know how she gets when she decides on something. Ibara won't give in easily."
"The question is what, and why you think it's got something to do with me." Satoshi scribbles points on a post-it pad, feeling like a member of the Classics Club again.
"That's something you should ask Ibara yourself," Houtarou says.
"What?" Satoshi leans back in his chair, struck with disbelief and disappointment. After entertaining him up to this point, Houtarou's directing him back to Mayaka and back to square one. Did he pick up this hat trick from working in business?
"Really?"
"– Maybe you should visit her to make sure she's okay. Doesn't Ibara live near your office?"
"She does."
"Then go for it. Anyway, I have to go now. Eru still has a list of things she hasn't prepared for the wedding." Houtarou gripes at the potential workload waiting for him, but he hangs up soon after with minimal dilly-dallying, like a lion content and declawed.
…
So Satoshi does as Houtarou suggests. He knows where Mayaka's apartment is because he's spent a few occasions there. Her birthday, New Years, Christmas – only because their families are in Kamiyama and there aren't much other people that provide good quality company, even in the metropolis of Tokyo. They're country kids at heart.
Satoshi has never let himself stay at her place past nine though. It's too dangerous. But today, work ends later than usual. Ryou asks if he wants to go off together but he declines, telling her that he has to check up on a friend. She gives him a striking look and a smug smile in the elevator down to the ground floor of the office.
"Girlfriend?"
"Nope!"
"Girlfriend-who's-not-your-girlfriend?"
Satoshi is too tired to retaliate. Ryou slaps her hand against the back of his head as she leaves.
…
It's already just past ten when he reaches the bottom of the block of flats, bubble-print tie draped over one arm because it's warm out, even for a summer night. Satoshi stares up at the tall building, counting sixteen storeys. This Japanese apartment complex houses five units per floor, bringing it to a total of 80 units. The floor space in the average 1K apartment unit is on average 20 by 20 meters in total. Mayaka lives in a 2DK apartment, which is about 45 by 45 meters. Its cost in the market usually flutters between 50,000 to 60,000 yen.
After doing all that calculation, his wits collected, he takes a deep breath and steps forward.
"It'll be done in a few minutes, Yamamoto-san!" Mayaka says as she opens the front door, her gaze directed at something in her house. She's startled when she turns to see that it's just Satoshi at her door.
"S-sorry. I thought you were my editor," she explains, "but wait – why are you here, Fuku-chan?"
"I was worried about you," he says, and Mayaka pricks her shoulders in defence at those words. "Why didn't you answer my calls?"
"I disconnected my phone and shut off my handphone to prevent any distractions. I had a lot more work to finish than usual since they gave me an extra 10 pages in next month's magazine. Anyway, next time you should just let yourself in. I hide my spare keys under the flower pot."
Satoshi laughs, hesitating. Always hesitating. "You shouldn't go around telling guys where you keep the keys to your apartment."
"I don't." Mayaka says with restraint, in a way that demands his attention. He notices the dark circles under her eyes and how her hair is slightly longer now, touching her shoulders.
Mayaka lowers her eyes and walks back into her house. Satoshi removes his shoes and follows her, surprised to be greeted by two other girls bending over their desks, markers and pens and the smell of ink and eraser dust in the air. One of the girls has a cute round face framed by her bob, the other wears spectacles and appears incredibly tired. It looks like a hurricane tore through Mayaka's apartment, leaving panic and papers askew throughout the living room.
"Who is this? Your boyfriend?" the one in spectacles asks.
"No," Mayaka immediately says as she collapses back into her own seat. "Just a friend." But the way she says it makes it feel like it has the opposite meaning. Or maybe she's just tired.
花
"Eru-chan?" Mayaka holds the receiver close to her ear with both her hands.
"Maya-chan! It's nice hearing from you!"
"Help."
Eru drops everything she's doing – in a polite, neat way, of course, alphabetizing them before she packs a tiny suitcase – and jumps on a plane headed to Tokyo without another word. Houtarou only finds out that she's in Tokyo that night when she calls home from Mayaka's apartment. When she arrives, she arrives like one would expect a fairy godmother: out of the blue, with the ability to make you trust in her capabilities. Her eyes are alert and her mouth is already open to ask: "What's wrong?" as soon as Mayaka unlocks her door. She throws herself into her friend's arms, and like she always has, Eru is there to hug her shoulders.
…
Eru takes it upon herself to prepare dinner. She instructs Mayaka to sit down and rest, twisting off her wedding ring and parking it on the countertop before diverting all her attention to the assembly of food she's laid out. The ring glints when the kitchen ceiling's light hits it at certain angles, and Mayaka keeps on checking on it, afraid that it might drop through a crack or up and disappear if left alone for too long. Eru doesn't even look over her shoulder. It's odd how such a small thing, bought by Houtarou no less, could mean so much to her and Eru, and in such different ways.
"I did a rash thing last week," Mayaka says as Eru carries the pot off the stove and onto the dining table. The soup smells incredible. She hasn't eaten Eru's udon for a long time. The warmth of a home-cooked meal makes her infinitely better. As her friend moves to undo her apron and hang it over the back of the chair, Mayaka wipes the chopsticks, passing them over to her. Eru hums as she begins fishing in the soup for the udon and its other components.
"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it – "
"I… with Fuku-chan..." Mayaka can't even phrase it in verbal words, but it only takes Eru a second to understand.
"Oh! I see. You slept with Satoshi-san?"
"Eru-chan! D-don't say it like that!"
The woman gives her a quizzical look. It opens into a soft smile when Mayaka stares down at her knees and clenched hands. "This isn't the first time, is it? I remember you telling me something happened about – two years ago, correct?"
Mayaka feels her face flush. She's getting too old to get bothered about things like these. Taking the ladle from Eru, she refills her own bowl and concentrates on slurping up the noodles.
"I wouldn't call it rash, Maya-chan. Don't be hard on yourself," Eru tells her, her voice soothing and calming in the way only she knows how to be. She blows on a slice of fish before chewing on in small, subtle movements of her jaw. "It is quite unexpected, though. What made you able to do that?"
Mayaka wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "Houtarou, that idiot."
Eru blinks in mild surprise. Mayaka goes on to explain. "He told me to quit chasing Fuku-chan and stop him instead and – and I listened to him!" Mayaka lets the fact sink in. "I listened to Houtarou Oreki!" she cries out in severe shock, the stark reality of it hitting her only now. "I can't believe I did that! How tired was I? I must have not been thinking straight," she goes on to say. She snatches a knife off the tabletop and brandishes it out for Eru, bowing her head. "Please, make it quick and painless."
"Maya-chan."
She looks up when her name is said, and Eru pats her cheek with one hand.
"Calm down."
Mayaka lowers the knife and one short, defeated laugh escapes from her. She's tired, that's all. Eru sets a fresh bowl of udon and soup in front of her. Mayaka guzzles it down.
"Feel better?"
"Yes – but then, no, when I think about what's happened," Mayaka says, sighing a little as she goes along. To stave herself off another outburst, she takes one long gulp from her bowl. "What do I do, Eru-chan?"
"Well, what do you want to do?"
"I want to stay with Fuku-chan," she says, and it's no longer embarrassing to talk this way because it's a fact. "That has never changed."
Eru smiles at her. "Then do just that!"
"Eru-chan, you're being too optimistic."
"Am I?"
"Things don't work out that way," Mayaka says by way of explanation.
"That's what a lot of people like to tell me," Eru admits, "but how will you know unless you try?"
"You're also very stubborn," Mayaka says as she cleans up.
"Houtarou-san says that's one of my most exhausting traits!" the woman announces, as though she's proud of it. She hums to herself as she washes the crockery. "But, Maya-chan, you didn't say I was wrong," she points out after she turns the tap off.
"I didn't," Mayaka repeats.
"Mm-hmm!" Eru nods.
They spend the rest of the night watching horror movies and eating ice cream straight from the tub. It's Eru's first time doing such a thing. Mayaka guides her along.
…
After spending one week in America, Satoshi returns, shining in his element. Though she should have spent the week collecting her thoughts about what relationship she's sharing with him now, she ends up spending the week missing him instead. He visits her just when she's having a bad day.
"Kasabe's latest oneshot beat everyone else, including you, Ibara," Yamamoto informs her over the phone. "You know we don't publish those stories often, but they still make an impact whenever they do get squeezed into the magazine's lineups. They're excellent too. So I want QCS to be on par with that, alright? I know you're perfectly capable of that! I helped you find Ao-san the last time. Do you think you need one more assistant?"
"No, no, Ao-chan has been doing a great job. I'll try to do better," is the only thing Mayaka can say, hanging her head.
She still puts on a smile when Satoshi brings souvenirs over to her place because Satoshi hardly ever has a chance to go travel-writing even though he is the magazine's official travel writer. They don't publish travel articles as often as they'd promised him when he first accepted their job offer. Satoshi takes everything in stride, so he at least deserves her to smile and listen to him tell stories as she drafts out Queen Can't Sleep's next chapter.
"I've already asked the editor-in-chief when he'll let me do another travel article, but he's being really picky about it," Satoshi laughs. "I even said I'd pay for all the expenses. I've been saving up, you know?"
Oh right, Mayaka knows that he's usually a huge splurge for the weirdest things (which consist of, but are not limited to: subscription to a rival magazine, an elephant-shaped lamp and a compact backscratcher), but lately he's been spending less.
"But he still says he needs me in the office." Satoshi frowns.
"Fuku-chan, you're only twenty-five and you've already travelled to Europe and America. That's a lot compared to everyone else. I haven't gone out of Japan even once," she reminds him.
Satoshi nods and leans against her sofa, folding his arms. "Then maybe we should go somewhere together someday."
The tip of her pen bears down against the paper, hard and static. "Don't say things like that." In the place of anger, she can only hear regret in her voice. "Don't say things you aren't going to go through with, Fuku-chan."
"Stop that."
Satoshi's voice sounds strange, causing Mayaka to raise her head. She's struck dumb when she meets his gaze. Satoshi is angry. At her. This has never happened before. This isn't supposed to happen. She's the one who is always angry, he's the one who is always apologetic. That's the inescapable cycle of their relationship.
But Satoshi remains resolutely angry.
"Stop twisting my words into a weapon to hurt us. It's not fun, Mayaka. Whatever I say has never been on purpose to hurt you. You know that. So stop making it sound that way. It'll only make us even more miserable."
Mayaka's pen slips, ruining the page. She bites her lip and feels something well up inside her.
"I love you." Her voice verges on its border. It's unromantic.
The next instant, Mayaka creases her brow, scowling at herself. She gathers up her things, dropping erasers and pencils and rulers this way and that in her wake as she moves into her room. Satoshi hooks his drawstring pouch at his wrist and shows himself out of the apartment.
…
[Sorry about yesterday (シ_ _)シ Are you okay? ヽ(°◇° )ノ]
[Don't apologise, idiot. It was my fault. I'm sorry. TTYL, I have to finish my manuscript.]
[good luck with it! ヾ(＠゜▽゜＠）ノ]
True to their words, Houtarou and Eru take some time off managing the Chitanda enterprise to visit Tokyo. It's been a few months since their wedding, but they claim that there hasn't been a very big difference in their lifestyle. Mayaka thinks they still look more like a young couple than a married one. Satoshi insists that they should go to an amusement park together – as teenagers, they never had the opportunity since such things were absent from a sleepy town like Kamiyama.
After their first ride on the rollercoaster, Houtarou shakes his head when Eru suggests going for a second round. For once, Mayaka finds herself agreeing with him.
"But I want to go again too!" Satoshi says. "Why don't we just go together, Eru-san?"
"Let's!" the woman replies, drunk with excitement, her eyes glowing. "Will you two be alright sitting here?" Eru attends to them first just to make sure, swaying on the balls of her feet. Houtarou and Mayaka nod, too disoriented to give a verbal response. With that done, Satoshi and Eru scramble back to the end of the winding line with so much unbridled enthusiasm, it's hard to believe they're twenty-four.
"Eru-chan looks like she's really enjoying herself."
"Probably because it's only her second time at a place like this."
Mayaka sits up on the bench.
"Really?"
"As far as I know," Houtarou says, uncapping his water bottle for a drink.
"Wow. What kind of boyfriend were you?" To only take his girlfriend to an amusement park once in seven years of dating? Houtarou's even more of a dork than Mayaka expects.
"The kind that didn't want to travel to out of the way places."
"I still don't know why Eru-chan agreed to marry you. You suck at being romantic."
"You aren't exactly the biggest romantic, Fuyamato-chan."
The noise Mayaka makes is high-pitched. "W-W-Why'd you call me that?"
"It's your nom de plume, isn't it? Fuyamato Kasabe, the infamous shoujo author who never ends her stories on a happy no– " he's cut off when she wrings the collar of his shirt.
"How did you find out?"
"I just noticed how Fuyamato-chan's works are always published after you take breaks from writing QCS. The writing styles between yours and hers are distinct, but you use the same type of motion lines. The fact that Fuyamato Kasabe is a combination of 'Mayaka Ibara' and 'Satoshi Fukube' was a hint too. And given what's been going on between you and Satoshi, I came to the conclusion that Fuyamato-chan was either him or you. Of course, Satoshi doesn't have the ability to write as well as you do." Houtarou taps her wrists, asking to be released. Mayaka does so unwillingly.
Massaging his neck, Houtarou continued, almost cautiously. "The theory I came up with is this: You wanted Satoshi to figure it out. But he hasn't." He tugs at his bangs when Mayaka doesn't respond. "The thing with Satoshi is that you need to give him all the pieces in the puzzle if you want him to solve something. You didn't."
She holds her bag up against her face. "I hate you, Houtarou."
"I really like Fuyamato-chan's works though. You can be really dark when you put your mind to it, Ibara. Is it because of Satoshi?"
"You don't need to know." But Houtarou hits the nail on the head as usual.
The man doesn't reply. He stretches out into a yawn before continuing, "I don't think Satoshi is the only one at fault for the way things are now."
"I know that." Mayaka pulls on the edge of her skirt.
"And venting about someone by publishing depressing shoujo stories, while novel, is pretty much useless if he doesn't know about it."
Mayaka doesn't feel like replying to that.
"You're letting him get away with this," Houtarou concludes.
"Then what do you want me to do?" Mayaka turns to face him, slamming a fist on her lap in frustration. "What do you want me to do?" she repeats, her voice drowned out by the screams of people riding the rollercoaster above them. "I've tried getting over him and it never works. For all the things he's done to me, it's still the same! I bury myself in work and I manage to get him off my mind, but every time I come back to the real world, I'm at the same spot again. It's my fault – it's my fault for not being able to leave him – I know it, okay, Houtarou? You don't need to rub it in," her voice shakes and shivers and she rubs the heel of her hand furiously against her eyes before tears can start to form. Then, she feels someone pat her head and refuses to look up.
"Every time we're close to doing something right, one of us slips up. I don't know why. It always happens that way and we just let it go like that. What's wrong with us?"
"Mayaka."
Houtarou usually utilizes her first name to great effect: to pick on her or spite her or just to make her choke on her food. It's strange that now she feels comfort above all else.
"… Satoshi has the bad habit of running away. You have the worse habit of chasing him instead of stopping him," Houtarou says quietly. "Both of you should stay put for once. The amount of energy you two expend is tiring to look at."
"You make it sound easy," Mayaka says, subdued by the accuracy of his words. To think that the day she takes relationship advice from Houtarou Oreki has finally come. She removes the warm hand from her head and places it on Houtarou's own. "Doing something for so many years, it's hard to suddenly change direction."
"I know that. I've been there," Houtarou hums, "but you still have time. Take your time. Even if you can only do it months or even a year from now. Stop Satoshi from running away." And he looks different when he says this.
"Since when did you have a soul?" Mayaka says finally. She takes a deep breath, the smell of candy floss and popcorn faint in the air of the park's grounds. "… And since when were you this chatty, slug?"
The corner of Houtarou's mouth lifts, if only a little. "I don't do anything I don't have to do," he reminds her. Lifting his hand off his head and stretching one last time, he folds himself against the bench, close to dozing off. Mayaka doesn't disturb him for once. She unzips her bag to retrieve her sketchbook and works on completing a storyboard for her next chapter. The two of them sit like that until Eru and Satoshi return giddy with laughter, bearing ice cream cones to make up for the long wait.
志
Satoshi's handphone rings just as he's preparing to turn in for the night.
"Hi, Houtarou. What's the occasion?"
"Eru wanted me to call you," he admits his wife's ownership over him with indifference, "she wants to know what's happening between you and Ibara. From your perspective."
In the background, Satoshi hears a soft, clipped, "Houtarou-san, not so bluntly". The once-in-a-lifetime scene of The Eru Chitanda showing exasperation at Houtarou, of all people, unfolds before his very eyes. Satoshi counts himself a lucky spectator.
"Satoshi?" Houtarou asks when he doesn't reply.
"Oh, um – I don't know how to answer that, Houtarou."
"Don't know or don't want to?"
"It's the same thing to me." Satoshi puts a smile in his voice but not on his face.
"Satoshi," Houtarou says again, but this is more severe, more concerned.
"Houtarou," he deflects back, voice quiet and blank. "I think – I think I need to work this out for myself. Tell Eru-san that I'm grateful for her concern, but I prefer to deal with this at my own pace."
"I'm pretty sure she's curious, not concerned," Houtarou corrects him, lowering his voice into a whisper as he does. Satoshi grins in the face of everything standing against him. Trust Houtarou to be the only one who can make him feel this way. But he has to stop relying on Houtarou.
"You'll be okay without me?"
"Aw, you really do care. Don't talk about such things around your wife, Houtarou. She might get jealous."
"… You'll be okay," Houtarou decides, a gruff smile on the edge of his voice.
花
Satoshi clenches the bedsheet under one hand, creasing it. "Mayaka, I can't answer you because I'm not ready," he says and stops because he catches the expression on her face. "I'm sorry." He looks mortified. Mayaka finds it odd that he chooses now of all times to look guilty. He's been giving her the same answer for the last ten years, the only difference is that this time he's telling her in concrete words.
"You're not forgiven," she says but doesn't sound as venomous as she should. If anything, she's happy that he's being honest to both himself and her. She leans the side of her head on the top of her knees. "You're lucky I like honest people, Fuku-chan," she adds, hugging her legs and blanket close. She tosses and turns over the idea that she's the unlucky one, but it isn't true at all, looking at the person sitting at the edge of the bed and the fact that she has a bowl of soggy ramen waiting for her outside.
" – Anyway, don't you have work to get to?"
"Yes," Satoshi groans at the thought. "The first train starts at 5.45. Work starts at 8.30. It'll take me over an hour to get back home. I won't make it in time if I go home. Looks like I'm going to work in yesterday's clothes."
"You can air them outside for a bit. I'm sure your colleagues won't notice," Mayaka says. She spots at his tie snaked on the floor, pink and bright. "Then again, maybe not," she laughs once. Satoshi plucks the tie off the floor and observes its colour before chuckling too, sounding ambiguous. At least he's a bit less guarded now. Laughing at five in the morning with Satoshi Fukube has never felt so out of place and so natural.
…
They fall into an agreement of sorts after that. It starts with upfront invitations. "You can stay," she tells him when he visits and the assistants have left for the night. And then it turns into silent accommodation, Satoshi comes over when work ends after eleven and the bed in his dormitory is too far away. She lets him sleep on the sofa and then lets him sleep in her bed. He's quiet when he unbuttons her shirt and loud when she leaves bite marks on his shoulder.
No matter what happens, Satoshi still leaves before she wakes up the next day, as if out of politeness, as if to cause minimal difficulty on both their ends. By nature, he isn't someone who finds it easy to wake up in the morning. The fact that he goes to such extents to avoid any misunderstanding makes Mayaka's sketch lines messy and her inking clumsy. Midori helps her redo any minor mistakes she makes, quiet and patient with her chin poised.
Then, one morning, Mayaka wakes up to find Satoshi's nose inches from hers. He's sleeping soundly. He's still beside her. She looks at him, something warm wedging itself in the middle of her chest, and turns her head so that her face is smothered in her pillow. But the feeling doesn't go away. Wavering, she touches his cheek and wraps her arms around him the next moment and her eyes become wet when she presses her forehead against the empty space between his neck and shoulder. This is too much for her. Satoshi stirs after a moment, noticing through hazy eyes, and holds her close. His hand is still half-asleep, fumbling at her spine. She thinks about how things might have turned out differently if he'd done this that morning, two years ago in Kamiyama.
But this is okay too. Months ago, Satoshi would have hesitated to allow himself such a simple gesture. Mayaka allows herself to feel comforted for the first time in a long while.