When I came to, I heard the unmistakable sound of the cap coming off a fresh needle. I felt a hand hold my arm out and down. I was only able to make a small sound of protest. I tried harder when that didn't stop them.
"No, don't" I managed to whiper in a small voice. I was even able to gather enought strength to shake my head. But, either I was too quiet and they couldn't hear me over the sound of the car racing down the street towards the hospital, or they were ignoring me.
"I believe she said 'no'." The voice that spoke for my was both beautiful, and stern. I was unlike any voice I had ever heard in my life.
"Please, don't" I spoke again, making sure I was heard this time. There was a silent pause before I heard a sigh.
"She needs this, if this is for some stupid fear of needles-" He made the threat clear with his tone. But he didn't need to worry, I had no fear of needles. There was a better reason, one that only my doctor really needed to know. The hand released my arm, but I still didn't have the strength to even open my eyes. I could feel the gentle stop of the ambulence, and I assumed we were at the hospital. By the time they got the stretcher out of the truck, I could open my eyes.
At first I could only see the bright lights the decorated the outside of the small hospital in Forks. They rolled my past the sliding doors and into the emergency entrance which doubled as a lobby in the day. They put me into a small deserted room and left me alone. If was only then that I wondered. Where had my savior gone? I hadn't seen him outside of the hospital and hadn't heard him since he stood up for me in the ambulence.
The door opened before I could begin to really think about the strange occurence. My docter walked through the door. Dr. Cullen always managed to take my breath away. I had seen him so many times and really viewed him as my second father, but I couldn't help but appreciate the view. He pulled up a revolving chair next to me in an effortless move. I didn't even hear the wheels move across the floor. He gave me on small, sad smile. One thing I always appreciated about him was that he always looked me in the eyes when he spoke. No matter if the news was good or bad. No other docter I had ever had was able to look me in the eyes, they all felt to guilty. That was the reason I had chosen him. And this time would be no different. He looked my directly in the eyes as he told me the blunt truth.
"I don't need any tests to tell me this, not that you would allow them anyways. We've been waiting for this day to come for a while. You've reached the top of the mountain and the only way forward is to go down. You've been luckier than most in your situation. You've had more than 2 years of steady health that you should be grateful for...I'm going to ask you this, and hope you change your answer; Do you wish to start treatment again?" he asked me with a hopefull look on his face.
Before he could even finish speaking, I shook my head. The look fell off his face and he sighed in what I knew was frustration. He knew he couldn't talk me into doing anything I didn't want to.
"Then there is nothing we can do but prepare for what is to come." I didn't want to hear it, but he would not let me leave without hearing everything.
"What happen today might happen again. Your body is turning on itself. It will do anything to get rid of the invader, including geting rid of neccisary componets of your body. That is were the blood came from today. You should get some iron supplements to replenish your bloodloss." he paused briefly, and took a deep breath and prepared to tell me the worst.
" You could get deadly fevers, you will pass out from time to time and a few other small things will be frequent. But the most noticable, and the worst; you will get weaker... physically. The average person in you position has a few months before the muscles become so weak that you won't be able to walk, and at some point, near the end you won't be able to speak, and you won't be able to eat by yourself." he stopped again and looked at me a moment before he suggested the impossible.
"It would be better if you had some to check up on you, and later on, stay with you near the end. Do you have anyone in mind who could do this?"
I gave it a quick though before I gave up, I knew no one. Tears glistened in my eyes. I had no one. not a single person who would look in on me. I was embarassed to answer.
"No, there's no one." I whispered, and my face fell to stare down in my lap as I fiddled with my nails.
"May I send my children to check on you? Only...once a week, just to make sure that you are doing ok. It will save you a trip to the hospital every week. I know how you hate that."
I gave a small snort.
"That should be fine." I told him. I was so embarrased I couldn't look up. I was so alone, I had pushed everyone away, and now when it really mattered...I had no one. He spoke again, and it startled me into looking up again.
"And, if it were fine with you, I would like to invite you into my home when you need intensive care. You don't need to answer me now, just know that the option is open."
There was no way that I could except his offer.
"You are always welcome to my home."
I just sighed and gave up, he wouldn't let me say no, but I wouldn't say yes either. We were both stubborn that way.
"Have you thought any more about the study in London, I've heard that the research is doing wonders to finding a cure." He keep asking me about different studies. This time, some pretty famous scientist and doctors were getting together to research a cure. But I had spent my childhood looking for a cure that never came in trial after trial.
"I've done my part in finding the cure. Let others be fooled into being lab rats." I would stick to my morals, and I would never stray.
'You've done more that most. I know that I can't talk you into anything, but I want you to come to me the moment you feel any unbearable pain. I know that now you refuse to use any pain medication, but your mind might change when you actually feel the pain." He understood my reasons for refusing any medications, but that would never stop him from trying to convince me to take the easy way out.
"If I ever feel like I need to the medication, I will come to you." I assured him, in the my mind, I assured myself I would never need it. I wouldn't be putting anymore poison into my body.
He continued on with the appointment, and gave me a normal check up. My drive back was normal and I felt no dizziness. When I got home, I threw my keys onto the living room desk, by the computer and threw myself down onto the old dusty couch that had been in this room as long as I could remember. I didn't use it much, I spent most of my time in my room, or outside. I layed there and stared at the ceiling. All I could think of was that voice. That beautiful voice that had helped me when I couldn't help myself.
What kind of person just left after doing that? Now I didn't even know who he was. It had to be close to an hour before I just decided to leave that moment of my life in the back of my mind and focus on resting.
I had school the next day and I hoped that the Forks would be the only small town that didn't have to gossip mentality. I hoped that most hadn't even heard of my little mishap, maybe I would be able to stay the invisible girl. I could only wish to be that lucky.
As soon as I parked my car the next day at school I knew things would be different. Bella had been the hot topic of the past few days, it seemed that I had replaced her. Before I got out I took a moment to prepare myself but who was I kidding; I had no idea what to expect. People where already pointing towards my car and whispering to each other. I could deal with the whispering, I didn't think that I could deal with the stuid, pestering invasive questions that would be sure to follow me.
I grabbed my back pack from the behind me, on the back seat of my truck.
How the hell did they know it was me anyways? Surely they had only heard that some teenage girl had passed out in her own blood in the middle of a parking lot. I winced as I thought of how that sounded. But that was for sure what they were all thinking. I kept my head down as I walked into the small school that I had gone to since freshmen year. Even though I could not see the stares I could feel them in my skin. It wasn't until my third period class, English, that someone got the guts to ask me anything.
I sat in my assigned seat in what had to be the smallest classroom in the entire school. All of the desks were too close together and there was only one window, and one door. The teacher had stepped out of the classroom for a few minutes to go take one of my fellow classmates to the principal's office. The whispering only seemed to get louder as soon as she left. To my surprise, the question came from a girl who was generally quiet, someone who didn't try to make people uncomfortable. Her name was Angela and we had been partners on a few projects over the years.
"Hi Raine, I didn't want to be rude of prying, but I heard what happened yesterday. I just wanted to ask if you were ok?" Phrasing a question that way, it was impossible for me to be angry with her. She was a good-natured person who was genuinely interested in my well being.
After she spoke it seemed that the whole class held their breath as they waited for my answer. Would I explode? Would I just ignore her?
No, I couldn't do either of those things. She had showed me a courtesy and I shouldn't just throw it in her face.
"I'm fine. Thank you for asking though." I gave her the simple answer with a small smile, and a nod. Everyone else seemed to be waiting for my to continue, maybe explain what had actually happened. I just turned my head away from the rest of them and watched the scence that went on directly outside of the one small window that adorned the classroom. I ignored the whispers as they started again. I focused instead on the birds I saw flying from tree to tree and the wind that invisibly swept through their wings giving them the ability to fly. If only people were more like that. Simple and predictable. Those birds would fly again, and the wind would continue to help out every part of the world. But we weren't like that, and maybe that, that complexity was why the couldn't except me. Because I was as close to that simplicity as I could get.
The rest of the day was the same, but I couldn't stop zoning out, dreaming of what a simpler world would look like. One where there wasn't mean, horrible stories floating around of what had happend to me. While in the bathroom earlier I had heard some horrible girls saying that I had had a failed suicide attempt. That I had taken 40 pills of some strange perscription that I got from some drug dealer, during lunch. But since I had drank soda to wash it all down with, a chemical reaction occured and I puked all of the pills up later. She knew this for sure because her brother's girlfriends' cousin worked at the hospital and had told his cousin the whole story that he overheard.
Whoever would be stupid enough to believe that story deserved an award.
I guess I could understand the concept of gossip, in theory. But some people took the idea to heart and made it into an Olympic event. The craziest most outlandish story would win a medal. They had seen the line, and had skipped right over it. By the end of the day I was sure that my name, or the weird girl that never talks, had passed through everyone's lips on campus. At lunch I had even seen two of the Cullens giving me a glance, and that was a raritey. It was Alice, and her boyfriend Jasper. When she saw me looking she gave me a smile before she turned her head to continue talking to Jasper. He quickly turned to look at me as well.
Instead of going straight home as normal, I drove into La Push and towards the beach. The beach was generally deserted on days like this. The sky was a frightening shade of dark grey and I was sure that it would rain. I liked to go the empty beach when I needed a place to unwind, and I loved the ocean so much I was always drawn towards it when I felt bad. I pulled into the parking lot by the beach full of rocks instead of sand. I didn't like sand, it always got stuck everywhere. The rocks were much perferable to me. I got out of the car and locked if before I walked towards the cold salty water that was lapping quietly back and forth on the shore. I reached down while I was still walking to slide of my flip flops and I gently placed them in my oversized bag. I let my bag drop to the ground and it hit with a soft sound. I was wearing only a black tank top and a pair of jeans and I stopped quickly to roll up the legs of my pants to my knees.
I made it to the water quickly and as soon as my feet hit the water I involuntarily jumped back from the icy water. I tried again, and prepared for the cold water I slowly submerged my feet into the water until the water swelled around my ankles. My feet quickly went numb but I kept them there. This was the only numbness I could allow myself. The same relief used to come to me with the strange medications I used to shove into my body. I wouldn't submit to those anymore, and this was just as good, and so much more tolerable. I stood there and I closed my eyes as I listened to the ocean and its waves as they moved back and forth across my feet seemlessly. The ocean never changed. It would always be here, and the tides would always come. They were something I could count on, unlike much else in my life.
I felt the first drop of rain on my shoulder, and at first didn't notice it for what it was. Less then a minute later, the rain was pounding down from the dark grey clouds that still hovered above my head, unmovable. The cold rain was the same temperature as the ocean and I waited to see if it would stop, until my hair was completly soaked. I opened my eyes, and look upwards as streaks of salty water fell down my face. I sighed quietly and jumped back out of the water as I had down earlier. I ran so feeling would return to my feet before I had to drive. I reached down to pick up my bag as I ran by it on the way to my car.
I already felt better. As I said, the ocean never failed to bring a bit of peace to my life.