"You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear."
~ Sammy Davis, Jr. ~
Every day we face two choices. We can either do something - or not.
Today, JJ faced something worse - Spence's choice. Because even after everything that they had shared, he still had a decision to make. Stay or go.
But there were so many things still left unsaid. Part of her wanted to tell him every single reason he had to stay. (Her. Henry. Them. Family.) She knew that doing that wasn't fair. Part of her didn't care.
The other part of her, the part that was still considering their friendship, knew that in the end it had to be his decision. Not hers.
Standing here, wrapped in his arms, made her wish that they could just stay in this moment, frozen. Where nothing could touch them, and it would just be the two of them. Wrapped up in each other, and their love for one another. Finally.
But they world didn't work that way. No matter how much she wished it did.
"I don't know what to do JJ. This, us, means everything to me. The relationships I have here - with the team, and Henry, and you - are the best things to ever happen to me. How do I walk away from that?"
"Spence, no matter what you decide, you'll still have us. All of us. We'd make it work. But this has to be your decision. I can't tell you what to do…"
"Can we pretend that nothing else matters? Just for a little while. It's just you and me...and I have to make this decision that can change everything - and I don't know what to do Jayje. Yes, this is an amazing opportunity. But so is working in the BAU. So is my teaching position at the FBI National Academy."
"Spence...does the team know?"
"Hotch does. I had to tell him. At first, I didn't even consider it. Ignoring the fact that the position is in California, I love my job at the BAU. I love the people I work with. And I love the fact that I'm helping people."
Taking his hand, she could only smile at him. Knowing that, the best thing she could do for him right now, was to be there. And to let him talk himself through this. No matter how hard that may hurt her in the end, it was what she had to do. Because he was her best friend, first and always. "So, what changed?"
"Heh. A phone call, actually. My friend Liam, he was an undergrad in the engineering department while I was doing my PhD work but we were both only 18. I helped TA a couple classes for my professor - and he was in one of the freshman classes. Both from Las Vegas, I guess you can say we connected. Turns out he's an associate professor at CalTech now. He'd heard I was offered the position and called to ask me when I'd be moving out there."
Back then, before Gideon had approached me about joining the BAU, the only question I had about my future was which department I'd choose to teach in. I guess I surprised him when I said I wasn't even sure if I was considering the position. But he reminded me how, for so long, this was what I wanted. More than anything."
Hanging his head, Spence looked tired. "I just need some time JJ. I know that you can't tell me what to do. As much as I wish you could - this has to be my decision. For every reason you said. But I don't think I can do that, I don't think I can fairly weigh each option if you're here. Because you're one of the only reasons I didn't accept the offer as soon as I got it."
Squeezing his hand, she thought about what stood before them. "I get it Spence. I understand. No matter how much I want to beg you to stay - because I do - I won't. It wouldn't be fair. So how about you just promise me the moment you decide, you'll let me know? Either way - Henry and I will always be here for you. Whether you're still here in DC or if you're in California. Ok?"
He seemed to be rendered speechless, because he could only nod.
JJ didn't know what else to say. What was there to say? So, she did the only thing she could - she kissed his cheek and left without looking back.
It's almost two in the afternoon when her doorbell rings. Henry's asleep - and while normally he sleeps the sleep of the dead - she doesn't want to risk waking him so she jogs to the door, murmuring a quiet "Just a second…" before their guest can ring the bell again. Somehow, she's surprised when she sees Spence on the other side of the door.
It'd been three days since she'd left his apartment, and they hadn't spoken. No phone calls, no texts. He'd asked for time - to think - and she'd given it.
She's not quite sure how long she stood there, watching him. She breaks out of her reverie though, and greets him. "Hey Spence. Come in."
"Hey. I hope it's okay that I'm here. I just - when I finally figured some things out, I couldn't not tell you anymore. So here I am."
She couldn't help but grin at how nervous he looked. And how he was making her feel nervous. One way or another - everything was about to change. She heads him to the couch, signals for him to sit beside her, but he declines. Instead, he paces before her. With a grin she can't help but think, Back and forth. Back and forth. At this rate, he just might wear a hole in my carpet before he even starts.
She was about about say that it was ok - she hadn't been doing anything (well, besides impatiently waiting for any kind of contact from him) - but he didn't give her the chance.
"The work I do here, with the team, it's important. Looking back, I could have left when Gideon did. I've always had offers. But being here - it's the right place for me. This is the right team, the right people. But it's not the reason I'm staying. I spent these last three days trying to predict every possible outcome - my future. And do you know what one thing was constant in every single permutation I could think up? You. And Henry."
At his words, she finally lets the tears fall. She can't contain them anymore - doesn't want to. He doesn't seem to notice, because he goes on.
"I realized that the only thing I need to make me happy - is you. You and Henry, you've become my family. And that's something that I've never really had before. Not really."
He finally stops pacing, takes in her tear-stained cheeks, and the sunshine smile that graces her lips.
He can only watch her as she stands up, and moves to stand right in front of him. Watches as she reaches for him, bringing his hands from his side to rest in hers, their fingers interlocking on their own.
He can't help himself when he releases one of her hands to push the stray lock of hair that's fallen in her face behind her ear, or how he caresses her cheek as he pulls back.
And when she leans into his hand, he can't help wrapping his other arm around her waist and leaning his forehead on hers.
He thinks he could spend forever like this, with her in his arms.
And then he feels her hand on his cheek, feels the way she gently cradles him, bringing him closer to her. Can't help when his eyes snap open, taking her in. The way she watches him, studies him. The way her eyes move across his face, from his eyes to his nose to his lips.
As one, she leans up to him. He tilts down towards her.
When their lips meet, it's gentle. At first, they simply taste each other. The sweet, gentle press of lips, soft and tender.
It only lasts a moment, but feels like forever. When she pulls back, she can't help but laugh at the grin on his face. Nor can she help it when she kisses it away.
This time, his kiss is fire for her soul. It's a spark, unlike anything she's ever felt before.
"I love you. I've always loved you JJ. And I promise I'll love you for forever. As long as you'll have me. You and Henry."
"I love you too Spence."
She tugs on his tie, bringing him back to her lips. This time, as he kisses away her sunshine smile, she doesn't let him go for a long while.
end. (for real this time!)
A/N: I hope you've enjoyed this addition to Walking In Between. As the first JJ/Reid story I wrote, it holds a special place in my heart. Also, a special thanks to aMUSEment345 - not only for her amazing stories (if you haven't read them, forget this story and run and read those stories. They're amazing!) - but for her creating JJ's sunshine smile. I hope you don't mind that I borrowed it! 'Til next time y'all.