Author Note:
Random: Hello Helloooo! Happy Halloweeeeen! I hope you all get truck loads of CANDY!
Hikaru: Kaoru and I are going as the Cheshire Cat!
Kaoru: What! I thought we were doing something different. What happened to you being James, Random as Kendall, me as Carlos, and I talked Kyouya into going as Logan!
Random: That wouldn't work! One I'm not blonde, two I don't own anything plaid-
Kaoru: You have that one with the lace shoulders.
Random: ...It's black and has lace...on the shoulders. Kendall doesn't where stuff like that...and DAMN IT! You gave me a story idea. I hate you...
Kaoru: But I wanted to go as Carlos so I could force Kyouya to act out Cargan moments!
Hikaru: But then that would leave me and Random for Kames moments...NO! I am not going to let her be my Kendall!
Random: And like I want you to be my James. *Sarcastic eye roll* OH! I know I'll get Tamaki to be Kendall! Would you like that Hikaru? Act out Kames moments with Tamaki?
Hikaru: *Blush* NO! That's worse! I'd rather have you.
Random: Tamakiiiiii! I have a costume idea for yooooouuuuuuu! *Dodges Shoe when Hikaru threw it at her*
Kaoru: *Snickering* But who would you be Random?
Random: Captain Jack Sparrow.
Twins: Right...should have guessed.
Hikaru: WARNINGS: Self-harm, sadness, language, depressing thoughts, hating Mama Knight, hating James and Carlos and Logan, hating the world for doing this to Kendall, hating Random for thinking up these things that happen to Kendall. Yeah...
Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: Random does not own BTR...they'd probably be used as personal sex slaves if they did...
Random: OKAY! So thank you for all that reviews/faved/alerted! You all are amazing! And to Jar for beta-ing! So I don't know where this story came from and honest yo goodness it is ripping my heart in tini tiny little pieces to do this to Kendall! ENJOY!
Kendall stumbled into his and James' room later that night. He wasn't drunk. He just drank enough to help him forget and find a hot guy to fuck. It's not like anyone cared. He'd received no text massages or calls from any of his friends. His mom he knew didn't give a flying fuck anymore so he didn't expect one from her, but he had hoped to get one from any of his so called best friends. He groaned when his knee hit the side of the door as it opened.
"Kendall?" Crap, James was up.
"Hey, yeah. Sorry, I woke you up." He said, trying to feel his way through the dark. He heard shuffling and suddenly light flooded the room. He cringed as it made his head throb painfully, maybe he drank a little more than he thought.
"Where were you? It's almost one in the morni-is that a hickey?"
Kendall's hand flew to his neck automatically. "I was with Jo." He lied easily…wait maybe it wasn't completely a lie. He thinks the guy that was ramming into him earlier was named Jo…or was it Richard?
"That's bull…Are you drunk?" James gasped.
Kendall growled, more at his shirt when it wouldn't come off, than at James. "What? Is it pry into Kendall's business day?" He asked, chucking the shirt to a random place in the room and working on his pants.
James frowned. "No…I was just worried. So was your mom."
Kendall couldn't help but laugh bitterly at that. "Yeah right." It figures that she would act worried so no one would grow suspicious. He succeeded in taking the rest of his cloths of, excluding his underwear. He went over and crawled into his bed. "Don't worry about it James. I'm fine. Go back to sleep." He sighed as the cool sheets soothed his aching and battered body, falling asleep almost instantly.
James' frown deepened. He watch the blond sleep for a little while, before turning the light off and laying back down. His worry about Kendall never leaving him, even as he drifted back to sleep.
Kendall groaned loudly as he woke up, his head didn't hurt that bad, but it still hurt. He flopped on his back and ran a hand through his hair. Ugh he needed a shower. He threw his covers off and swung his legs over the side of the bed, taking note that James wasn't in the other bed. It's not like he would be anyway. He had a boyfriend to wake up early for.
Kendall grumbled at his own thought. Making his way to the bathroom, he closed the door and sighed. He knew he was depressed. It was an easy enough thing to identify. But he just…didn't know what to do about it. He wasn't going to kill himself. Despite being constantly tired of the sadness, grief, and self loathing, he doesn't. He couldn't do that to Katie or the guys, because they didn't know what was going on and it wouldn't be fair. But he was sick of it, the pain he constantly felt in his chest. He was sick of the persistent burn in his arms and the twitch in his fingers when he needed to cut. It was slowly driving him crazy.
He held back a sob as he pushed himself off the door. He turned the shower on and went back to the sink. He opened the mirror and grabbed the razor hidden behind medicine bottles and James' hair products, also grabbing pain killers to take for his headache. He took the pain killers dry and then grabbed the razor. He took off the used bandages and threw them away. He looked down at his marred skin and sighed, one arm had too many cuts. He switched hands and brought the razor to his other wrist, he felt almost relieved as the pain washed over him, clearing his head. He pulled the razor over his arm a few more time, before cleaning the razor and putting it back and stepped into the shower, hissing as the water cleaned the wound.
He washed quickly, bandaged his cuts, and dressed. He ruffled his wet hair as he walked out to the living room and felt his heart squeeze tightly at what he saw. James and Carlos were making out heavily on the couch. "Boys. You know I don't mind you showing affection for each other, but tune it down." His mother said from the kitchen.
Carlos and James, pulled apart, blushing madly. "Sorry, Mama Knight." They mumbled.
She smiled at them. "It's alright, boys. I'm happy your comfortable with who you are."
Kendall felt tears prick the back of his eyes. Why couldn't she be like that with him? Why could she accept them but not him, her own son? He shook his head and blinked back the tears. Whatever, he didn't care anymore. Walking over to the kitchen, he made himself a bowl of cereal (His mom never cooked for him anymore so he had to either make his own food or go without, usually the latter) and sat next to Logan, who was engrossed in a book. He ate quietly, watching as James and Carlos joined them at the table and started to chat around him. He felt so out of place. He felt like he didn't even know his friends anymore.
Well, he didn't know himself anymore either, so he guessed not knowing your friends anymore also comes with the self loathing package.
He looked down at his cereal, playing with the contents inside. He wasn't really that hungry. "Kendall?" Logan said, knocking him out of his daze.
"W-What?" He asked head shooting up.
"You okay?" He asked raising a eyebrow. Kendall had to force himself to not roll his eyes. Like he cared.
"Yeah, fine. Just tired." He said, faking a smile.
Logan opened his mouth but was interrupted by his phone vibrating. Kendall knew immediately that it was Camille by the way his eyes light up. And like every time Camille does anything, Logan is now deaf to everything but to whatever Camille is doing. Kendall frowned and quickly got up, putting his dish in the sink and heading to the door.
"Where are you going?" James asked. Kendall sighed. What was with the sudden interest in his life? He never cared before. "We need to be at Rocque Records in an hour." And there it was. Caring about their careers more than they cared about him.
"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'll be there." He said without turning around. He opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind him.
"WHERE IS HE!?" Gustavo screamed.
The three boys sighed. "We don't know."
"How could you not know! Isn't he the leader…or something?"
"Yeah, I don't see how that has to do with anything."
"The leader stays with the pack!" Gustavo yelled.
They sighed and sat on the couch, James pulling Carlos closer as he spoke. "I'm sure he'll be here any second. Be pat-" A loud crash cut him off.
"Shit. Gustavo! I broke one of the guitars on the wall!" Kendall yelled, coming around the corner holding said guitar. "Why is it on the wall anyway? They're built to be played, not set out for decoration."
The three boy's on the couch saw Gustavo twitch. "Harmonies! 2 hours! NOW!"
Kendall shrugged, dropping the guitar and heading to the sound booth. "Whatever." Four mouths dropped simultaneously. Did Kendall just…obey?
Kelly walked in, looking at her black berry, then looked up and stopped. "Did…I…miss something?"
Gustavo snapped out of it. "Just my amazing, dog training skills! Rest of you! MUSH!"
They scrambled to the recording booth, finding Kendall texting someone on his phone. James frowned, glancing over at Carlos, who caught his eye and nodded over to Kendall. Good he noticed it too.
James had noticed recently that Kendall's demeanor had changed. It seemed darker. And Kendall's habits have changed too. He spent more time in the bathroom, ate less (James noticed that yesterday night), was quieter, stayed out longer only to come home smelling of alcohol and sex, and like just a minute ago, he didn't fight back against Gustavo much anymore. He was changing. And he didn't know why.
What was happening to his Kendall?