Recollection

By: Cassandra.L.K.

It had been exactly four minutes and thirty two seconds since I last saw a face. Any face, it didn't matter if it was just a brief glance, it had been four minutes and thirty two seconds since I saw anyone.

I didn't want it to, but the loneliness was starting to agitate me. Who knew, just seeing another face, didn't make you feel so alone? The fact that one could be in a crowd, yet feeling alone was completely inaccurate. The simple fact that someone is there is good enough to know that your not alone. It is merely the person's perspective. I had never felt so alone before.

I laughed aloud at the stupidity of my own thought. There was no one around to notice though, so I didn't have feel any insecurity about it. 'I never felt so alone before', I didn't remember anything further than yesterday. That thought was inaccurate in its own right.

I wonder when something will happen. Something must happen, I refused to believe that I was doomed to this pitiful existence for the rest of my life, so, logically, something must happen. Something has to happen that will take a mark in my history, and be memorable. Perhaps, this time I would actually be able to recall it.

To pass the time, I thought briefly on what happened when I woke up. I remember…

There was a loud noise behind me. I wonder what made me so jumpy, because when I heard it, a spun around to face the noise, my position in that of the defensive. Was my life really that bad that my first reaction to the slightest noise was defense? I suppose it would be worse if it was offense, but…

"Do-Do I know yah?" A slurred voice reached my ears through the darkness. I forced myself to stand straight and look the newcomer head-on. He was a middle-aged man, as far as I could tell. He hid in the darkness of the street, beside some garbage cans. He walked closer to me, staggering and loosing his balance. He laughed then, the noise sounded more like he was breathing heavily in more than anything. He had a rough hat on, fingerless gloves and thick, torn coats on. His shoes were falling apart at his feet. He was homeless, and most likely drunk as well.

"No." I told him. I really didn't want to know this man. What would that say of my life then? Still, I shouldn't be rude.

"Ye-" He coughed. "Yeah, I've seen yah before. Hanging around Blondie." He slurred, he smiled, and laughed again. He leaned against the wall of the building. My instincts didn't tell me to run, but told me to get this over with quickly. I suddenly felt very urgent – wait, he said Blondie. That could be…

"Who was I with?" I asked him. Why this man, out of all the people I saw, had to be the one that had seen me before, was beyond me. Perhaps Etro was testing me, or, was it another Goddess?

"Hell should I know. Pretty little thing she was… Round about the marry go…" His voice faded away as he walked back where he came from. Though the lack of information was a nuisance, still, I got something. That was better than nothing at all. I wouldn't bother the man, I know I wouldn't because it was obvious ne knew nothing more, either that, or I just couldn't be bothered with it. I couldn't be sure… Laziness was something I would like to believe a quality that I did not possess.

I was acquainted with a blond woman. That… was very interesting. That fact that the person I was looking for might be blond held no assurance for me. It meant… next to nothing. People died their hair all the time, looking for a blond woman… wherever I was, was like looking for a piece of sand in a beach. A needle would be too easy to find.

I shook my head and sighed. I was getting too caught up with things. I doubted that it was a matter of life and death that I find it – or, her – but still.

What could I possibly do? I had no idea who I was, even if small snippets of memories made themselves known to me, it would be useless. Stop it. I commanded myself. I needed to slow down and just… think about my next move. Wandering through streets was the most unintelligent course of action I could possibly take. I needed to be calm, and plan ahead.

What could I possibly do though? Would the best course of action be to find out who I was, or who she was? Finding out about myself would be the most logical thing to do, seeing as if I knew who I was, it wouldn't be that far off to finding out who she was. Or, while I was finding out about myself, would she forget? Would she get mad, or…

I was being an idiot. Worrying over a woman's reaction, I didn't even remember her! Was the blonde woman the one I associated with the voice? I sure hoped so, that way my search would be narrowed considerably. Why did she matter anyhow? Was it because I knew with my entire being that she was important? Or, was… I was clinging onto the small fact that I might actually remember someone so tightly. If I squeezed too hard, I was scared that the feeling, the… familiarity would choke, and turn to dust, leaving in this world without memories or any purpose.

With all the thinking, it took me awhile to realize that my feet were still moving me, pushing me forward. When was daylight going to show itself? I grew rather tired and bored of the night. Was it because I felt one with the shadows? Or was it simply because I felt so at home in the darkness, that I wanted to feel – even in my subconscious – that I was in a foreign place. I didn't remember this place, so, I should logically not feel comfortable… anywhere, really.

The street lamps were starting to turn off. Now, as I walked, I saw the lamp right ahead of me flicker off. Of course, there were still some lamps burning and producing light, but the fact that they were starting to turn off told me that daylight was coming, or, seeing as there was still a thick ceiling of clouds above my head, daylight hours.

Lightning.

Lightning? Why would just a word seem more important than the rest? Was it because the clouds above my head could easily become storm clouds, and behind to unleash a thunderstorm at any time? That must be it. Perhaps I was afraid of lightning. To me, that seemed silly, lightning was just that, light. Then again, memories can easily change one's perspective on anything. Perhaps I had a bad experience with lightning, and my subconscious was merely warning me that I was afraid of it. That had to be it, seeing as lightning certainly couldn't be what I was looking for, it was light, a discharge of electrons. I would like to think that my life meant more than that.

I felt a tap on my arm. Immediately I froze and turned sharply. My eyes scanned directly in front of me, but found nothing more than the street. I smiled. I was such a idiot. I looked down to what appeared to be a nine-year old girl. Of course, while I was pondering on why lightning would be important, I started to walk into a neighborhood. The tall townhouses were all dark and menacing looking. Yet, with the neighborhood's gloomy appearance, the small person in front of me still looked innocent.

She had wide brown eyes and matching hair. Her hair stopped at her waist. She had a skipping rope in her hand. I looked at her questioningly. Immediately she averted her gaze to the sidewalk. I wonder what she's thinking. I followed her gaze. She was…

I groaned aloud. "It's okay. I'm fine." I told her. The little girl wasn't looking at the sidewalk at all, instead, she was looking at my arm, the arm that was covered in dry blood and the sleeve it was covered in had cuts and tears. She looked back up at me. She nodded slightly, before running off. I turned around, back in the direction I was originally headed.

The way I looked seemed to draw tons of attention. I was beginning to tire from all of the annoying questions, even if the only ones so far was from some drunk blonde, and the other from a seemingly mute child. Either way, I knew I couldn't go on forever like this. Perhaps I could go to the doctor, get myself checked out. That way I might know something more about my memory loss. Then there was the question 'what if'.

I decided that I hated that question. It was that same question that I based off of many of my own. What if I was this, what if I knew this person… what if I was a criminal, and going to the hospital would only ensure my own capture. Though I didn't know a damn thing about myself, I was certain that I did not want to go to jail. I didn't want to deal with the pressure and the confinement. It was… strange, when I imagined myself in prison, I instantly recoil, when I picture myself killing someone… nothing.

Have I killed before? I could imagine myself doing so with ease. Like the lives I took were nothing…

They were the enemy.

Was that true? Did I kill because it was my duty, because the people I killed were my enemies? Surely each death that was by my hands wasn't all self-defense. It was strange… but the questions I was asking myself were actually getting answered. I had proof for them. I was looking for someone with blonde hair… well, that was a lead, it was an educated guess and I was going to stay by it. That I killed before… first the small voice telling me so, but that could be simple symptoms of insanity, but… there was more proof to that as well. I didn't doubt my own abilities when it came to killing. I was jumpy and my reaction to people sneaking up on me was for me to face the threat and immediately prepare for it. There were many different reasons why I had proof that I killed before, mostly because, I was covered in blood, and I didn't doubt that whoever attacked me didn't leave without some wounds of their own.

I was being sidetracked. I needed to answer one question. I knew it was simple, because it didn't involve who I was or what I did or anything of that sort. Do I go to a hospital, or go to a police-

Hospital, defiantly. Hospitals at least had an obligation to help you before they judge. So, I know had a plan… the only new question was where was the nearest medical facility?

Time must have passed, because, as I walked on through the streets, there were more people than before. That, and the light got brighter. I wondered what time it was exactly. The section of the city I was now in was more like a small town by the looks of it. Though of course I knew that it must still be part of the same city, by the look of the buildings and the stores, this part of the city just got added at a later date then when it was created. It happened, where cities would grow and consume the smaller towns and join them together. I was not surprised. There were small houses, with lawns. There were bunches of children walking ahead of me, all carrying school bags. Must be around seven a.m. Later, perhaps, but the time was still around seven.

It was no wonder why children avoided me like the plague, but I didn't care about that at the moment. I could ignore the big yellow school bus; I really didn't care about that. I needed to find at least one adult, to ask. Preferably one that wasn't still walking with their own child; I didn't want to scare any one. Sighing, I changed my course. Instead of walking up the same street, I turned into one of the yards towards one of the houses. The brick was bright red, and the garage door was light blue. Strange combination, but the garden was well cared for and the lawn was cut. Overall the house looked like a very suitable place to live, and it also looked like it held no threat for me here.

The pathway up to the front door was made of cobblestones in a interesting design. The garden began where the stone ended, paralleling the path all the way up to the door. I wondered vaguely if the owner would scream when they saw me, and slam the door on my face… were they even home? There was a blue minivan in the driveway…

I approached the door. The door was the same colour as the garage door; so, I suppose the owners were looking for some sort of colour combination. There was a small doorbell on the right side of the double door entrance. Leaning, I reached over to push it. My finger put pressure on the small circle, and immediately I heard the loud ringing from inside. I took back my hand and waited. Inside I could here moving.

'Coming!' I heard faintly. The voice was muffled through the walls and doors. Only a moment later, the door opened. The door revealed a middle-aged woman who looked like she was in her thirties. Her short thin hair was pulled up into a ponytail and her blue eyes were looking up at me. She had gardening gloves tucked between her right arm and ribs. I noticed her eyes scan over me, and watched as her eyebrows knitted together.

"Can I help you?" She asked politely. For the first time, I was at a lost for words. Was it because I forgot how to be polite? No, that wasn't it, it was more… her life seemed so normal. I felt as if I was intruding on something. I was making her waste her time on me. She had a life, most likely children, and was living a happy life. The oddity of that simple fact must have left be speechless. "Is there something you want?" She asked again. This time her tone was slightly more aggravated. That was completely understandable.

"Oh, right," I shook myself out of my thoughts, seeing as I was so comfortable in them, it wasn't the easiest thing to do. "Do you know where the closest hospital is?" I asked her. She laughed a little.

"Looks like you need that." She noted. I smiled. Her sarcasm actually made me smile, I didn't think that my face was capable of that. "The hospital is… hold on, I'll get you a map…" She excused herself and closed the door. I briefly heard the door being locked. I wondered why. Was this a bad neighborhood, or was she just scared of me? I don't know why, but I felt sub-conscious just standing there. I could feel the curious eye on my back. I wish they would just go away.

It wasn't long before the I heard the lock click open and for the same woman to come out. She held out a paper for me.

"I have a newborn, we had this map out for the longest time!" She explained. She gestured for me to take the paper in her hand, I complied, the paper crinkled when I took it from her.

"The red lines are different routes to the closest hospital by road. Sorry if they're a bit messy." She explained, she hung onto the door and leaned onto it. I looked at the map. The symbol the referred to the hospital was circled around many times. I could see by the way that all of the lines started from one section that it was my current location.

"Thank you." I told her. She nodded. She had no reason at all to help me, and yet she did. For that, I was grateful. "Goodbye." I told her awkwardly. I felt like an idiot because of it. She was just looking at me expectantly before I actually muttered my farewell. She nodded and smiled her goodbye to me, and closed the door. I could hear the lock slid in from where I was. I turned around, facing the road, and looked down onto the map.

Studying the map, I quickly mapped out the fastest route. It would still take some time to get there… there was no time like the present, I suppose. I walked back onto the sidewalk. When my feet actually hit the sidewalk, I was beginning to fold the map in half. Why? I had no idea, there was no real reason as to why, I just felt like it. A question that I should have been asking was why I felt a need to understand everything I did. If I understood why I did something, then it would be easier to figure out who I was. Who I was right now.

I stopped when I reached the stop sign, and looked down to the map, no, this wasn't the turn, it was the next stop sign…

I sighed and continued on. I wondered where all the cars were, after the busses left, it seemed that no one was outside. I could almost believe that I was in a ghost town. In fact, if it weren't for the odd people I saw here and there, I would have believed in that theory completely.

My thoughts wandered here and there… and tried my hardest to keep track of them, but whenever I tried to recount the topics I thought upon and the topic and my opinions on it, but whenever I started, I would begin to think about something else.

"Noctis!"

I instantly turned around at the frightened voice. I knew whom it belonged to; it belonged to the woman with blonde hair. It was the same as the voice that I could hear clearly about the , did it just belong to the person who I remembered the voice for?

The two different things I remembered: A woman's blonde hair and a strong, feminine voice could belong to two completely different people, but it was easier to consider them both only one person.

When I looked back, and scanned the area…

I found no one. There was no person-yelling out. No one at all. I stilled, and continued to let my eyes roam over the street. There wasn't a single soul who could have yelled out the name. Was it my name? I didn't know. It could be possible.

Was I remembering things? Was that what all of the small little things meant? That my name was Noctis, that I needed to find someone with blonde hair, that I was terrified of lightning? Or, was I obsessed with lightning?

I once again got lost in my thoughts as I followed the way to the hospital. I would imagine that this route would take around ten minutes to drive to. That didn't mean much for me since I was walking. That, and I couldn't just-

What was it that I couldn't do? I had it right there, right at the tip of my tongue. It was right there. I stopped and growled at myself, and stared at the cement beneath my feet. Come on, what was it?

"Please come to Tenebrea if you have the time. I'll show you around."

This time, another voice whispered at the back of my ear. The sound was so sweet, so… I tilted my head. Tenebrea… I knew someone from Tenebrae. That was defiantly a good start. I almost took off in another direction right then. My body was turned before I even realized it. I froze, my foot still hovering a little above the ground. I still needed to go to the hospital, that, and I had no idea where Tenabrae was… just… going along with my original plan would be the smartest move.

Well, I thought so, at least.

The time it took to get to the hospital actually surprised me. It mustn't have been… five minutes from the time I considered changing my course of action. The tall building loomed overhead. The building was a faded grey. There were marks on it that told me the building was old and… to confess it reminded me of some sort of horror film. I mustn't like hospitals then. Either way, I was already there, there was no point at all for me to leave. I started towards the doors of the hospital.

The name written on the sliding glass doors. 'St. Michael's Hospital.' It was almost a welcome, but I dismissed it. I forced my body to walk inside it, despite how much I didn't want to.

I suppose memories were also imprinted in your body, and not just your mind. My body remembered things I couldn't recall.

It was highly infuriating. The doors opened at my approach, and showed that they held nothing sinister inside. Once I passed through the sliding glass doors, the smell one would associate with hospitals immediately hit me. It smelled like death, blood, and medicines… I wondered how I could tell those three apart from the rest. It could be because of practice, if my appearance told me anything, it told me that I could fight. Fighting was usually associated with death and war, and blood. Medicine was the only obvious one, something I as certain everyone could pick up on. There weren't that many people there, then again, I did enter the front door, and everyone else would just go to the emergency section. There was a reception desk just a few meters away. Here it was clean, and on the walls there were hand sanitizer bottles in a small dispenser on the walls. It was white, it hurt to see, the walls were white, the floor was white with black specks on them –scuffmarks on the tile. The person behind the desk was a bored looking man. I guessed he was older than me, but what did I know about my real age? I walked up to him. He was focused on the computer.

"Excuse me?" I called out to him. Immediately the man jumped and focused his attention on me.

"Oh, hey! Didn't see you there, what can I do for you? Got a relative you want to see?" He asked, suddenly very attentive. I suppose he was bored. There were plenty of chairs all around, and behind him was shelves full of files.

"I need to see a doctor." I told him. He seemed honestly taken aback by this.

"Oh, okay, who's your doctor?" He asked. "And, I'll need your name too, to set up an appointment." He told me. His thin blonde hair was thinning, he was going bald.

"That's-that's why I need a doctor. I-I don't know-" I started.

"You're doctor's name?" He guessed. He wasn't making this easy. I shook my head.

"No, well, yes, I-" I paused, took a deep breath in, and let it out. "I don't know anything. I can't remember anything." I told him. I growled out the 'remember.' Realization dawned on his face.

"Okay, okay, I'll see if any doctor's are available." He then picked up a phone and started to talk into it. I didn't pay attention to his words, seeing as the gist of what he was saying was 'are there any doctor's available? Well, how about…' There were only four other people here other than me and the man who was trying to find me a doctor.

One of the people was a woman who was working on a crossword puzzle, the other three were a family, there was a mother trying to calm her hyperactive toddler, while the girl I supposed was the daughter was sleeping on the seat.

"Sorry, you'll have to wait." He told me. I nodded and walked over to take a seat. I propped my elbow onto the hand rest and leaned my head on my hand.

"I understand."

The soft voice whispered. It was the same voice that invited him to Tenebrae. Understand? Understand what? I really wanted to know.

A/N: This chapter is eight pages long. With a total of 4,011 words. You SO better thank me! Actually, you don't. REVIEW! Oh, and for this story to work, Lightning CANNOT be an I'Ciel. Or, whatever it is. She was born and raised in Tenabrae. Okay? I'm using her, but changing where she's from etc. etc. Blah, blah, oh, and vote on the poll on my profile, 'Who will get Noctis?' REVIEW! I BEG YOU! *look, I'm crying at the thought of getting NOTHING!