Two hundred sixty two thousand nine hundred and seventy four minutes.

Four thousand three hundred eighty two hours.

One hundred and eighty two days.

Six months.

That is how long it has been I have seen or heard from her.

Since that night.

Some days this internal clock of mine barely registers the time that has passed, others like today are…lets just say I'm not so lucky on days like today.

Pam gets updates, of course, from the shifter weekly about Sookie but other than one or two situations in the beginning, of people testing the limits of my edict, there has been nothing. I have heard absolutely nothing about her. Even with the few vampires that tested me I heard nothing about the situation, I just killed them. Thankfully Bill didn't test me, well, he didn't after I explained to him what she wanted and then made him watch as I tortured a man who had attempted to defy me the day the edict was sent out. That closed the matter with him. Pam handles any matters that the shifter mentions about Sookie, and I deal with the killing. It comes as part of the job but I am not cruel unless provoked and very few are stupid enough to do that.

I followed through with my promise to myself. The promise that I would, after that night, change and I have. Just not as solidly as I had wished. Oh I most definitely returned to the old ways. Cold and distant, solid and steadfast but it does not last for long. From the time I rise to the time I return to my room before dawn, I am as I have always been. Once I am alone for the night, I am not so strong. It has gotten easier, I no longer feel the sensation that comes before tearing up every time I think of her. I do not think of her as often anymore.

When I use to come home after work before my takeover I took care of my finances or something of that nature but I have since started to once again play music and paint. Things I use to do but had since found no joy in. Now they are about the only things that bring me happiness anymore. I even took back up with wood working as I had when I was a human man. I find myself disgusted at my inability to get over her but this does not change that I cant.

I now lived in the compound I had built outside of Shreveport. I have many who live in it with me, such as Pam and Bill, but today it feels empty, and I am glad for it. I gave out orders and errands to everyone so that I am alone, save for the weres on duty patrolling the grounds, the basic staff, and the live-in donors in the lower level. I have done this a few times. I clear everyone out and walk around just trying to remember why I became King, and why I still am.

I sound very much like those heartbroken romance novel men whose women have moved on from them. I would say I agree but only rarely. Other than the first couple days, most of the time I am perfectly fine. Existing does that to you, makes you sound as if all you ever do is dwell but this is not so. Existing causes you to be nothing for very long stretches of time and then be all but broken on those rare occasion when you attempt to live. It takes a while to get use to, to be honest.

My states are among the strongest and most prosperous in the country now, even after my short time as king. My lieutenants, sheriffs, and I rebuild the entire structure and flow of the states and it is now better than ever. I have had many vampires move into my territories for a more stable environment for them in which to live. I am proud. I have even had several serious informal propositions from other royals about marriages and alliances. Last night I received my first official proposal. That is the reason my for my melancholy.

I have taken other women to bed but none that lasted longer than a night or two and the women that I have taken are always the opposite of Sookie. Where as she was light and stubborn the women I use are dark and submissive. I don't care for them, just as I know they don't care for me. They want only to be able to say they were with a vampire or a king; it has nothing to do with me, with who I am. For this I am grateful. At least this time around those that use me, I am using back. It is a sick thing but hardly problematic. It's more of a moral compass type issue, one I don't care enough to contemplate. I am not enjoying the women as I have in the past but it needs to be done, so I do it. I have no attachments to them but this royal proposal…this is different. I am aware it is just political, that it is not as if I will see her every night but it feels wrong. The idea of marriage, one that lasts a hundred years, makes my chest clench and my temples burn. It is a very good proposal from the Queen of Utah. She is far enough away that she isn't constantly around but is close enough to Nevada to help oversee my running of it.

It makes sense but doesn't feel right. I don't feel right.

This is my reason for sending everyone away tonight. I need time to think without being followed or questioned. Since everyone is gone I will be able to leave on my own. There is a lake not far from here in the mists of the woods where I have taken to sitting and thinking when I need calm and quiet. The water reminds me of my human life when I did the same. When I was a child I used any excuse I could come up with to be near the water. This lasted until I was old enough to go a-viking then I would spend weeks on a boat. No matter the weather or our conditions it was bliss for me. Water has always been my strongest companion and this has never changed. Now is a good time to go gather my thoughts without all these new millennium mechanisms.

Yes, this is what I will do.

I go to my room and change into what I still deem my bar wear; black jeans, Fangtasia logo shirt, and black boots. It is nice to return to this, rather than suits and other formal type clothing that I need to wear for king business. I feel more me in this. It reminds me of an easier time. When getting dressed, going to the bar, enthralling the vermin, laying a vermin or two, completing area business, and going home again was a daily ritual. Ah… when things were that simple. As I am walking through the house, down the stairs towards the front door I am still contemplating what I will do with Utah. This should be easy, but its not. I don't want to face the reasons why I am holding back yet.

I reach the front door and step outside. It is a beautiful night with clear skies and bright stars. I continue walking out, down the steps and onto the grass in the middle of the circle drive that covers a large portion of the front yard. I wonder how I got here sometimes; how I went from fur and swords to Armani and computers. The differences are startling but since I have grown and changed with the times it does not feel so different until I reflect on my origins. A thousand years ago I could have never, even in my wildest imaginings, seen myself where I am now. This is why I try to reconnect with the earth and my history so I remember the strength it took to get to where I am now.

Tonight I need a reminder of that strength. Maybe a reminder of the strength I had will help me find the strength I need to do what is best. Even if what is best does not feel like what is right.

I stand here just staring at the sky for few minutes until I can sense someone watching me. I am upwind so I cannot smell them, I do not care enough to listen if they have a heartbeat or not because they do not seem have ill intent. So I just ignore them in the hopes they will leave me be. I would fly away but if they are not easily deterred, they may follow me and I do not wish to have my sanctuary desecrated by another. After another minute or so of star gazing with them still there I decide to speak to them without shifting my focus.

"It is rather rude to spy on someone and not identify yourself." I am not angry, I am just simply stating a fact.

"It's nice to see you too." I close my eyes. I know that voice. I have dreamed of that voice. That voice has been in my best fantasies and worst nightmares. The voice that belongs to one who has hurt me like no other. Sookie.

I open my eyes but continue to star gaze. "Well hello... Are you in danger? If that is why you have come, speak to your shifter or Pam. They will help you." I sound as if her presence doesn't phase me. A millennium of practice ensures that this time, I am in control of my self. My words, my tone, my body, everything about me is all mine this time. She will get no hints from me unless I let her. I take comfort in this.

"No, everything's fine." Her voice sounds off and she isn't in danger but she is obviously here for a reason.

"Then what is your purpose here?"

"I heard your getting married." I do not understand what that has to do with why she is here.

"I am unsure who you has informed you of this but I find it to be none of your concern. So I ask again. What is your purpose here?"

"Are you getting married?" Her insistence on this is angering. She has answered my question with a question about something that doesn't effect her.

"This is ridicules. What do you want?" My voice is cold. I want to know why she is here so I can resolve this now and I will not have to see her again.

"I want to know if your getting married." I finally look at her and give her a quick scan. She looks very tired but is just as beautiful as she has always been. I push these thoughts away. I cannot and will not continue those thoughts now.

"What does it matter if I am or not? It is my business, not yours."

"It matters to me. Are you or not?"

"Why does it matter? Six months ago you made a choice. My choices now have nothing to do with you." I am annoyed she came here for this.

"I was wrong six months ago and I'm sorry" She says it as if its suppose to make everything alright.

"As happy as I am for you on your realization, I do not see how this matters now." I will not even think to go down this path with her. It is to painful.

"I've tried living a normal life and I can't do it. I came to say I'm sorry and that I don't want you to marry someone else because I want to be with you." Oh how I have wished for those words…but I can do nothing with them now.

"I am sorry but we discussed this. This matter is long over."

"Why? Because you say so? What gives you the right?" She is angry now, as she always seems to be with me. She is always defensive with me.

"What gives me the right is that I told you that night that it was the last time I was willing to try. That if you said no that I would not see you again. I have the right because now, after six months of you trying to live your 'normal' life, that we both knew wouldn't work, you come to me for no other reason then because you heard I was to be with another. I said this matter is over and so it is."

"That's unfair…" I cut her off. Now I am angry.

"Unfair? You speak of unfair? For years I was there for you when others were not, years I did things that brought myself danger and ridicule from others of my kind for no other reason than to keep you alive. The things I have done, the things I was willing to do, were insane. You flaunted men in my face, ignored their shortcomings and betrayals, while acting as if I was evil incarnate. I took on both my monarchs. Defied one, killed the other." I take a breath to calm myself, and then continue.

"Seven months ago, you were angry with me for ignoring you and not calling. Not that you tried to call me, of course not, I have always had to pursue you. You never tried to pursue me or even tried meet me half way but that doesn't matter now. Seven months ago, I fought my king and his second in command for the throne because they demanded of me to take your life and change you. If I did not comply I was to be put to death and you were to be taken and turned anyway. I started a war to keep you as you are because you do not wish to be like me. To be the creatures you find comfort in but that deep down hate and are disgusted by. That was the bloodshed I did not involve you in. I have never wanted to be king. I have had the chance before, but this time I had no other way to keep you safe. I did what I had to as I always have. I took over three states to keep you safe and asked for nothing in return other than to have you admit to the feelings you had for me. You could not do it.

Six months ago I came to you and you said you did not wish to be attached to the supernatural world. You did not want to be surrounded by death. You did not want to be with me. You wanted normal. I gave you your wish. From almost the first moment you became truly involved in my world you have been seeking a way out. I gave you your way out. I gave you a chance no one has ever had before: to get out of the supernatural world alive. You wanted it and you got it." It still hurts to think about. I do not know why I am doing this to myself.

"Now you come to me not because you need me, not because you love me, not because you cannot live without me. No. You come to me because you heard I was to take a wife. You have no right to even think about making an opinion or think you have the right to demand anything of me. You humans demand things you do not really want just so no one else can have them. I am not to be played with, I am done being maneuvered by you. You may not have thought that it was what you were doing but it was. I was simply the easiest to bend to your will. You fought with me and were offended because of the idea of me making you heel but you do not see that in the end, it was you that made me heel. You did not need the bond to make me do things. I am not sure if there was anything I would not have done for you." I still am doubtful that there is anything I would not do for her, even now.

"You came to say things to me, things that at one point I would have wished for nothing more than to hear. Now, I do not wish to even be in your presence. You have taken all I can give to you, and I have nothing left. I have risked my life for you and you have risked your life for me. I will call us even and this will be the end of this. You could not and would not give yourself to me completely as I would have to you. You wanted a man who would have put you first; I would have and did many times. I wanted a woman who would do the same for me... and that was not you. You deserve exactly what you want, a life, a family, a husband who can grow old with you. I deserve to be with a woman whom I know loves me and is not afraid or ashamed to admit this." I wish I could make myself stop talking but it seems I am unable.

"What hurts more than anything I think, is that in this entire mess; I lost a friend. I have had many acquaintances, many business partners and many other things but I have not had many friends. Most of the people I could have deemed close, died when Felipe took over. You were a good friend to me. As I had hoped I was to you." I stop for a moment hoping that she will say something, anything, to save me from myself but she doesn't. She just stands there and listens.

"Things change and grow and live and die. It is way is the way of things. We have changed and grown apart. We lived and we did it beautifully even through the times of heart break and danger. I wish that this, you and I, did not have to die but we can not always get what we want, can we? I have loved you as I have never loved another, and as I most likely will never love again, and I have wallowed in the pain of you being to afraid to love me back. I think that now, I am ready to let it go. I do not wish to, but I will do as I must as I always have. For holding onto this, you, is killing me." The burning is starting behind my eyes. I push it back, I will not do that here, not with her.

"I have not decided on taking a wife yet. I have been…I have not been myself lately. I have been holding on to a fallacy that we could be more than what we are. I do not know what has become of me where you are concerned. This is not your world but it does not feel like mine any longer.

You and I are more alike than you think. We have always been and will always be so. You were ruled by your fear of admitting to me that you loved me, as I was ruled too. Though I am not ruled by this anymore, for there is nothing more you can say or do that will hurt me. You are stronger than I am however in all the ways that matter but this; fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of failure. I was willing to take that leap knowing I could fall all those months ago and I did. Yes; I fell and yes; it hurt more than anything but I am still glad I jumped.

So you came to ask me of my marriage but I am now positive I have answered all the other questions you would have had, yes?"

Somewhere along the way she had begun crying and I before I can stop my self I am at her side, pulling her to me, and holding her as she sobs in to my chest. I have missed her more than I have ever missed anything else. She just fits in my arms in a way that makes all of this more difficult because I know I will have to let her go eventually. I am rubbing her back and whispering calming words in my old language in her ear in hopes that she will calm down. I hate to see her cry. It is worse then physical torture when she does this and I know I am the cause.

"I love you." She is whispering over and over between her sobs. I can feel my eyes rim with tears.

"I know. I know you do. I have always known. But sometimes it is not enough, no matter how much we wish it were." My voice is slightly choked from fighting back the torrent of tears that I feel coming. We are silent for a moment or two before she gathers herself enough to speak. Her voice is rough from her tears.

"Two hundred sixty two thousand nine hundred and seventy four minutes…Four thousand three hundred eighty two hours...One hundred and eighty two days…six months. That's how long it's been since I have seen you. Since that night. I have had an internal clock ticking away, a clock that I never realized I had until it had something to measure. Some days my internal clock barely registers the time that has passed between us, others like today are…" She chokes a little but continues. "…I'm not so lucky on days like today." Her tears are dripping slowly from her eyes down her face and on to my shirt.

"I…I'm not living anymore. I'm stuck simply existing. The first couple days after what happened, I kept expecting you to come back and you didn't. I kept expecting an apology from you for doing that to me but there never was one.

Then Sam told me about your edict and I was angry. I called Pam. I started yelling at her about it, about you, about everything. She told to me suck it up because it was my doing and that some should be so lucky to have the out you gave me. She told me to not contact her directly again, only to send information through Sam and she warned me not to try to contact anyone in the supe world because it would get them killed. I tried anyway. I tried calling Alcide because I thought I could talk you out of killing him if it got that bad. Alcide wouldn't take my calls, he had his secretary call and ask me to not bother him again. I even went over to Bill's house in hopes of seeing him but he wasn't there anymore. I couldn't get in touch or see anyone supernatural once the edict was set.

It was as if the supe world was ripped out of my life by the roots. The only one left was Sam and he wouldn't talk to or about any supes with me no matter how hard i tried. I have never felt more alone. I have never felt more like a freak. I was safe but not happy. I never realized how much of my life that was good, came from being one of and being part of that world. You told me death was apart of life, yours and mine, but it never really occurred to me that it would happen without the supe interference but it still does.

I got what I wanted but after I got it I would have done anything to take it back…especially once the bond was cut. From the night you let there was hole in my chest where I use to feel the bond coming through but every night the hole got bigger, every night it still gets bigger. After I was over being mad and acting like a petulant child I would check it, just in case there was even a blip from you. There never was. I sometimes have walked around my house thinking I've forgotten something or misplaced something, trying to figure out what's off. Then I figure out its me, its that I am missing something. That I'm missing you and the part of you that was always in me. The part that always gave me strength and courage when I was scared, and calmed me when I was panicked. The part of me that was a constant reminder that no matter how alone I felt, I never truly was. The part of me I hated until it was gone and then mourned for its loss.

About two months ago I saw Pam. She came to see me because Sam called her and was worried about me. He thought I was suicidal or something. Sam told me at the beginning that the that the packs or vampires of Area 5 could only come to me if I was in danger. Being suicidal made me a danger to myself apparently. I wasn't but I got to see Pam so I played it up for Sam, it wasn't hard, I just started acting how I wanted to; how I felt. Pam and I talked, about a lot. We talked about the take over, the past, the present, about you, and about me. She made me see some things that I didn't see clearly before. I've been trying to talk Pam into letting me talk to you since she first came to me, but she kept putting it off. Saying maybe another night but she's kept me updated on how you are and major things that you've been up to. All the great things you've been doing, which I am so proud of you for." She lifted her head and looked into my eyes. Her eyes look different, older, wiser.

"Then last night she stop by and told me about the proposal you received from Utah." Her tears began again.

"I didn't know what to do. I thought all day today about what I could do, what I had the right to do. I shouldn't do anything and I know that. I also know its not right or fair for me to come to you like this but I've learned a few things in your absence. I learned that sometimes, sometimes what's best isn't always what's right. What is best for us, is to be us. I was wrong all those years ago to think another was right for me and I have been wrong since. I have seen what its like to be without you completely and I cant do it. I spend most of my time pretending I'm ok. I'm not and, according to Pam, your not either.

There are things that no matter how much we wish it, they cannot be. This, us, isn't one of them. Tonight…we can start a new path. You said the way of things is to change and grow and live and die. We have changed and we can change again. We are changing right now. With every word spoken tonight we have changed. We have grown. We have lived and your right, we did it beautifully, and for six months we died. We were dead in all the ways that mattered. We don't have to be anymore. I am no longer afraid of death since I have lived in the worst way.

Six months ago you came to me and you said 'There will be no second chances, no more attempts to sway your opinion of me, I will not come crawling to you, and I will not beg. This will be it. This will be the end to the matter of you and I' So let's have it be. There is no need for a second chance if we begin again. You needn't sway my opinion because I am set on it and on you. You are not crawling and you are not begging. I am. I am swallowing my pride and asking for your forgiveness. Let the matter of you and I end, so that we can let the matter of us begin." she sniffled trying to stifle her tears.

"Look into my eyes… really look… and tell me I am the girl you saw that night. Tell me I am the same. Tell me that you don't want this, that you don't want me. Tell me these things and I will go, and we will not see one another again." She put her hand over my heart. "If you want to be with me as I want to be with you and you will commit to me: let me in, we will discuss everything, I will tell you everything, and we can go from here." She closes her eyes for a moment, reaches up and lightly uses her fingers to wipe something off my face. I put my own hands to my face, and pull them away. When I look down I see my fingertips covered in my bloody tears. I have been unaware that I have been crying. She drops her head for a moment and then looks again into my eyes. "The choice is yours now."

She wipes her own tears off with her hand and raises it to my mouth. I know what she is asking. I know what it will mean if I take her offering. My logical side is screaming at me that this is wrong, but my heart is screaming for me to simply jump. Six months ago she chose to follow her head rather than her heart… and look where it has gotten us. If she can swallow her pride to come to me, I can at least meet her half way. I finally find my voice.

"If we do this, it will be all the way. You know what will have to happen if you choose to take this path with me. Are you ready for that? If you are not ready to give me an eternity with you, I cannot do it. I will need to know you are mine forever" I need her to understand this above all else. If I am to have her, I will need for longer than 5 years, 10 year, 20 years.

"I know. I know you do. I have always known and I am no longer afraid." She gives me a small but beautiful smile.

I raise my hand to her mouth. She takes my offering and I take hers. We both pull our hands away and we are smiling. It has been so long since I have felt a genuine smile. It is glorious. I kiss her with all that I have in me. I try to show her all the longing I feel for her, the pain I endured while we were apart, my elation at her decision. She is trying to do this too. We stand there simply kissing and holding one another for a while. Then we both pull back. We both look to be in agreement. We have decided. Her change will come in time, but not tonight. Tonight is just for us. We both pull our hair off to one side of our necks. I lean down smiling and kiss her jugular as she kisses mine.

"Remember tonight…for it is the beginning of always." I whisper in her ear as we both bite down and taste the other.

Tonight, tonight I am an ecstatic man. A man who feels as if his whole world seems to be coming together. A man whose elation knows know bounds. A man who loves so much that it does not matter that he has a heart that does not beat, it still feels. A man who will never be alone again.

There is no doubt…tonight will be the beginning of my always.