Knowing your different makes trying to blend in that much harder.
I pulled my hoodie up over my hair and made myself move slowly. Grandpa Charlie had wanted to give me a ride to school in his cruiser but I felt that wouldn't exactly keep me under the radar. All around me warm bodies moved forward. I heard them call to each other and saw backslaps and high fives. I ducked my head and forced myself to slow my pace. I could feel their eyes on me, wondering. A few boys got in pace behind me seeming as though they would talk to me but didn't.
The school day was going all right. All my classes were ridiculously easy. I was actually looking forward to the stack of homework the teachers had given, though I would probably end up dumbing it down considerably. I was young but well read. When you're not allowed in the outside world, books are a good escape.
At lunch I moved through the cafeteria line selecting an apple and lemonade. The girl behind me selected the same so I felt it was a typical enough choice. Now for the hard part. Where to sit. I looked around the lunchroom. I could see the football team at one end the drama club at the other. The girl behind me pushed past and I watched as she made a beeline for a table of very well dressed girls. As she sat she said something and they all turned and looked at me. I was still standing there, trying to figure out where to go. Hoping there interest was a good sign I smiled. They didn't return my smile. In fact their looks seemed to turn glacier as they turned back to their lunches. Wow, harder than I thought.
Ok how bout outside. I pushed the doors open and selected a nice spot under a tree. Couples leaned on each other and shared lunches. Apparently the courtyard was for lovebirds. I took a bite of my apple and sat back to observe. At least I could do some research.
I watched them all performing their little mating rituals and I wondered what they could be thinking. I'd see a quick expression or glance. I read the way they turned their bodies. It was all so different. They showed their feelings in every movement. Like me but unintentional. I watched as one girl smacked her boyfriend for watching another girl pass. I would have loved to know her thoughts.
The next few weeks that followed were pretty much the same. A few of the girls who didn't belong to the preppy clique talked to me. They seemed a little awed of me though I couldn't figure out why. The boys however kept their distance. It was as though they knew to look but not touch. It was rather deflating as I knew I was prettier than all the girls at the school. What was the use if no one approached you. Dad had said we were beautiful to attract our natural prey, yet they didn't seem too attracted to me.
It was one of these ordinary days that I was sitting under a tree observing the sappy couples when an idea came to me. Perhaps it was boredom or loneliness or maybe lunacy but Ijust kept watching these couples wishing that I could be part. I knew I was to be as average as possible, that was one of the conditions of being here but still… Perhaps just a teensy little experiment.
My favorite subjects were Danny and Connie. Each day they took their lunch to the same bench and she lovingly broke off pieces of her sandwich and fed them to him. He in turn stroked her hair and stared into her eyes with this sappy vacant expression. That of course was not the interesting part. Much more interesting was Danny's eyes. As soon as Connie looked away they focused and he did a quick scan of all the females in the vicinity. It was completely a butt boob glance, the kind of thing my Uncle Emmett had warned me of. Yet Connie never saw and he went right back to his vapid expression.
When Connie went to throw her sandwich wrapper away I stood and walked to where he sat. I reached my hand as though reaching for a paper that was under his seat and let my hand touch his leg. I let my mind reach trying to hear his thoughts, receive instead of share.
It was like pushing your way into a bubble of gum. I felt all sticky and hot as I tried to wade through his thoughts. That's it Connie, give me another bite. Ya I love you too. God, look at Lisa's butt. She really needs to put more mayo on these sandwiches they are so dry I could choke but food is food. Another three dollars I can spend on gas instead. Beggars can't be choosers. Oh wait a minute, who is In those tight jeans. The rapid change in his thoughts made my head ache. Then as he continued to stare at the new girls butt it turned to disgust. He didn't even register me in his thoughts and I was still touching him. I broke contact and snatched the paper. I tossed it in the trash and headed back to my spot. So this is what I was missing… I lost interest as look around the courtyard for a new victim. Just as I was about to switch my efforts to another couple Danny peaked my interest again. He was looking at me. In shock I realized I could still hear his thoughts. They were a whisper instead of the shout I had heard when touching him but I was excited that they registered. Well, well, look at her. Just that quick I could see my own image in his mind. Now that is a tasty little morsel. I felt smug for a minute but focused on taking another bite of apple. I almost choked as I heard his next thought. Cold as ice though, definitely not into guys. His mind then continued on with a disgusting scenario about Connie which made me eject myself from his mind as quickly as possible. I gave Connie a pitying glance as I passed tossing the apple core into the can right next to him.
The rest of the week I took turns plundering the minds of my fellow students. I wish I could say I liked what I had found but I didn't. Apparently they all pretty much shared a similar opinion. It varied slightly from ice princess to cold prude. It didn't comfort me at all that I had barely spoke to these people. They all had judged me from the first day and were too busy in their own little world to concern themselves with changing it. I hated that their opinions mattered but for some reason they did. More often than not I found myself trying to engage any one that had a kind thought about me. It was a big shot to my self esteem to find I wasn't so perfect so desirable.
By the end of the week I was ready to quit school and go back to the simple life I had led before. The one where everyone worried about me and I was so wonderful. The saying 'be careful what you wished for' kept playing through my head.
As I drove home from school I really thought about giving up. I knew my parents would welcome me back. I didn't need to do any of this really. I had centuries to figure out what I wanted to do and what I wanted to be.
My biggest hope for high school had been to find some friends. People to talk to and share with other than the ones my family had chose for me. I liked Seth all right but the shadow of Jacob was always there.
Then there was Nahuel. He was not parent approved. When I was at Carlisle and Esme's he eagerly shadowed me. He rarely spoke but rather watched me. His sister's didn't speak either. They seemed content to learn of this modern world they were so new too. Reading had been easy for them and they were half way through the extensive library. When I tried to speak to them they would look up from their books in unison and just stare. After a couple tries I chose to avoid the whole place.
I pulled in the driveway and felt the truck shudder to a stop. It would probably be a good idea to bring the truck to Aunt Rosalie this weekend. She hated the thing but as long as it was what I wanted she was willing to keep it running. I walked into the house and threw my book bag into a chair. I didn't feel like being ordinary right now. I was bored with this life. I leaped over the couch landing in a crouch in the kitchen half pretending to look for my prey. Charlie was not due home for a couple hours anyway so if I acted a little weird I figured that was my choice. I did a quick back handspring and landed in front of the fridge. Opening it quickly I had all the ingredients for lasagna on the counter in a whir of motion. Charlie had said Harry was coming for dinner tonight. I knew this was a favorite. I worked quickly and quietly finishing the garlic bread and salad before the water for the noodles had started to boil. Up until today I had really been trying to be as normal as possible. I was a teenager though, I was supposed to have mood swings and do things sporadically.
I looked around Charlie's house. So simple. So plain. It needed to be cleaned badly. I never really had thought about it. I called Charlie at the station and asked what time to expect him. It would be about two hours but Harry might beat him there. I scanned the house plotting.
By the time Charlie got there I had not only cleaned the floor top to bottom but rearranged all the furniture. The meal was laid out and I was just coming down the stairs after a refreshing shower and change of clothes. Charlie stood there at the foot of the stairs stunned.
"Nessie you look beautiful," he choked out and looked away. "And the house looks great too. I wondered what he was really thinking but when I tried to push into his mind it was like hitting a solid wall. Instead I skipped down the rest of the stairs and gave him a quick hug. "Love you too Grandpa," I said with a wink. "Where is Harry?" Just as I said it I head the tires of Harry's truck crunching in the driveway. A flash of Seth dropping one of our glasses skittered through my mind and caused me to jump back. No, not a memory. Seth had never been here. Maybe… Charlie opened the door and went out to assist Charlie. I came also staying back just a bit. Harry had a way of making me feel sad when he first looked at me. He knew about Jake and I. Knew that I hadn't taken his leaving well either. Today he offered a smile and asked how I liked my new school. Then Seth came around the back of the truck with a brown paper sack and offered a grin. "Hey Nessie", he said.
Charlie looked at him and then at me. He pursed his lips and lifted his shoulders in a tense way. "You know Harry, the last time we brought two young people together under this roof it got a little weird."
"Be calm old man, Seth is only here for the cooking." I got the reference. Jacob and my mother. Another story I didn't get to hear all of.
Seth came in and smiled at me sheepishly, "How ya been?" he asked. Seth was actually older than me but the werewolf genes had slowed the process so much that he looked the same age just much taller.
"Good", I smiled back leading him to the food.
We talked easily about school and things happening within the tribe. It was nice to relax and not have to be on guard.
"So, have you heard from that creepy guy again?" he suddenly blurted out.
I was caught off guard since we had been talking about Sue. "Um, do you mean Nahuel?" I asked, knowing that's who he meant.
"Yes him", he said with a scowl. I hoped it wasn't jealousy I saw making him frown like that.
"Actually no. We talked that day but then he left. Went up North with the Canadian coven." I pushed the food around on my plate with my fork. I took glances to read him between designs. Seth relaxed a little but still had a look like he wanted to say more.
"You know you're already taken right?" He asked in a whisper. Iglanced at him sharply.
" No Seth," I said while letting the sarcasm drip from my words. "I wasn't aware that someone had a previous ownership." I stood up quickly, too quickly for his eyes to follow and I almost cursed at my mistake. "What's it to you anyway Seth?" I asked, again knowing the answer but needing to hear it.
"I mean", he paused obviously debating the intelligence of continuing when I was already upset. "Well… it's just I knew you were a lot littler and it's been a really long time but"… He gulped and seemed to find his courage. "Your Jacob's girl", he said almost whispering. His eyes held an apology even as the words left his mouth. He glanced quickly in Harry's direction then back at me.
I expected a shot of pain. I expected the itchy feeling of tears to form behind my eyes. What I did not expect was the sudden rage and need to break something. I could feel my lip curling in rage and before I knew it I had thrown my plate of lasagna against the wall. The plate shattered leaving a thick glop of noodles and sauce to slide slowly to the floor. I could hear Charlie and Harry responding to the noise and I just couldn't face them. In a blink I was gone out of the house to the edge of the woods. Still no tears only a fierce burning anger. I heard the sound of glass hit the floor and then the back door slam. I thought of standing there and letting Seth reach me. I contemplated calming myself and getting back under control. Then I chose to let the anger take over. It felt good somehow. Much better than the pain.
I'm not sure exactly where I was going but I leapt, sprang, ran, and dodged through the forest at a rate of speed impossible to be tracked. My muscles had no time responding and I let the memories of the hunt take over. Through the brush I flew searching the anger boiling through just under the surface of the skin. I had never hunted like this.
A delicious smell filled the air making me pause. Sweet and subtle I turned my head to it letting it waft to my nostrils. I slowed and then stopped. I listened intently to the sounds of the forest around me. My blood was pumping my anger replaced by a thirst incredibly strong. I turned my head searching, knowing the source for this delicious aroma was so close.
Then I saw her. She sat drawing in a journal. Trying to catch the last images before the light failed her completely. Her eyes were on the paper as she looked at a tiny red smudge. She rubbed at it with her finger just as a breeze lifted her scent to me once again. The thirst crept up the back of my throat and I took a step toward her.
I was so focused in on her that I didn't notice the huge furry body till it knocked the wind out of me. Being smooshed to the forest floor knocked the anger and thirst out of me. Seth was still above me. I lay beneath him, ashamed at what I had been about to do. I had never taken a human life. On occasion I had tasted it from Grandpa's stash so I knew how it tasted. I knew it was sweeter than any other taste; it was juice of the forbidden fruit.
And then in the next moment Seth's weight was off me and he was flying through the air. He hit a tree and almost instantly sprang back again. A deep snarl ripped from his throat as he bared his teeth and readied to attack. Looking at him as he came toward me I at first didn't catch what was going on.
Then Nahuel stepped over me shielding my body with his own. He lowered one shoulder letting the tips of his fingers touch the ground in front of me and putting the other out in front of him. He beckoned Seth and leapt to the left. In the blink of an eye Seth was on him his jaws snapping, huge paws pushing on his chest. Nahuel grabbed his head with one powerful hand on the top jaw, the other on the bottom. With fierce inhuman strength he began to wrench them apart.
Realization rocketed through my head as I read his intentions. "NO!" I screamed throwing myself on them. I felt Seth's teeth graze my arm as I put one hand on his chest and one on Nahuel and shoved. In shock they separated but both remained crouched and ready. Nahuel's eyes were bright, his heated glare never leaving Seth. Seth took a look at me and straightened his body. Blood dripped from my arm and I saw his eyes catch the flow. Shock registered across his face. Vampires didn't bleed. His anger immediately forgotten, guilt filled his eyes and I saw his whole body shimmer as he fought the urge to phase back to his human form to comfort me. There was a silent war within him as he battled the wolf which said to stay on guard and the friend who wanted to comfort me.
" Enough", my voice came out a hoarse whisper. Was all that really necessary? I turned my eyes to Nahul and addressed him first. In a calm firm voice I gave a quick explanation of Seth's actions. "Seth wasn't trying to hurt me. He would never hurt me."
Eyes blazing, he gave a snort grabbing me by the wrist and showing the blood to us. "Is this what you call not hurting? He has so little control he has made you bleed. That should be punishable by death."
I knew Seth would want to defend himself but he was at a bit of a disadvantage without clothes to return to his human form. Instead he stared at me as he stood perfectly still. I angrily pulled my arm from Nahuel's grip. In biting tones I rebuffed him. "He wouldn't have hurt me if you hadn't been intent on killing him. The only reason I'm hurt is because I knew you planned to kill him and I stopped you. Seth is a good friend." I turned my back to him then, placing my hand on Seth's scruff. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me Seth". Seth lowered his head in acknowledgment.
"Renesme. You need to be more discriminating in the company you keep. Do you not realize your value? You must not associate with any mongrel that offers his affection." Nahuel spoke with conviction, his eyes commanding me to understand.
I felt my temper rise again and was about to form a retort when my eyes flicked to the clearing, remembering the girl, but she was gone. "Oh, no!" I said, eyes widening. Our display had been revealing to our inhuman nature. Now she was gone and with her the knowledge she could not share.
"I understand" Nahuel responded to my unspoken concern. "Allow me to take care of this… mishap." He gently took my hand and though I resisted put my hand to his lips. As his lips brushed across the back of my hand I gasped at the heat it left there. I looked into his eyes and saw his delight at my surprise. Then before Seth could protest, he was gone.
Feeling the blush in my cheek I hesitated before turning to Seth. "I'm so sorry Seth," I said. I allowed the confusion and shame to show in my eyes as I looked at him. Tentatively I reached out and brushed my fingertips over the side of his head. All of my emotions flooded from my fingertips letting him feel my confusion and sorrow over what had happened so pressed his muzzle into my hand as if to say all was forgiven. Feeling strangely exhausted, I whispered, "Let's go home."
We walked through the woods silent at first. As we got closer he gave a whine and looked to the brush. I saw a scrap of cloth bound to a branch above our heads and reached up to untie it. Unrolling it I found a poor of cutoff jogging pants. He took them gingerly with his teeth and trotted off into the woods. In a moment he returned, pulling his long hair back in a ponytail. He walked carefully avoiding sticks. "Why didn't you just wait to change till we got home?" I asked.
"I wanted to be able to talk to you", he answered cutting his eyes to my face. "I wanted to say I'm sorry." We walked in silence a moment and then he spoke again. "Nessie, do you remember Jacob?"
I hadn't been expecting the question, and it knocked the breath from me. I put a hand to my necklace, rubbing the heart there. He waited quietly as I thought. The sensation he had caused just by saying his name had not faded. My heart made fast hard beats in my chest, and for a moment I wished it would stop. "More clearly than any other part of my childhood" I said.
"What do you remember?" Seth hedged. I wondered at his line of questioning. This was going to be a long walk. Besides, he was the first person since Jacob left who had wanted talked to me about him.
"I remember everything. The way he was so strong and fast. The way he laughed. The way he made me feel so safe…and loved. Mostly I remember how he was always there. I remember he was the best friend I could ever have." I could feel the tears pushing through but I struggled to finish. "He was my best friend".
Seth nodded. "He was a great guy." I didn't like why he spoke in the past tense as if Jacob was dead. I looked at him sharply and could almost see the wheels turning as he thought.
"Did you know what you were to him?" He stopped on the path then. He looked at me. Waiting patiently, he raised an eyebrow when I didn't answer. "Well", he pushed.
The memories of Jacob I had had not changed, though time had passed. In all of them he had been attentive and kind. He was my comfort when things were not as perfect as they seemed. He was my friend when no one else understood. What had I been to him?
"Daughter of the love he couldn't have, I suppose. I would think he tried to give me all the love he couldn't give my mother. I was a convenient and acceptable replacement." I sighed looking up at the branches above us. The sky was almost completely dark now. Charlie would be worried. I looked around, realizing that Seth was not beside me. He stood looking at me so shocked he seemed unable to move his feet.
"Is that what you think?" he asked. He started walking again. "Wow, and here everybody says you're so smart and ahead of yourself. Wrong." I could tell he wanted to continue but I didn't ask.
I walked in silence. I knew better than to hold on to a hope that I could have been more to Jacob. If I had been he wouldn't have left. The few times I had read my father's mind looking for pieces of the Jacob puzzle, I had seen things that only confirmed his love for my mother. The scenes that were there in his mind would never leave him. The knowledge that she had loved someone else so much. I saw the kiss that Jacob and she had shared. I felt the pain as my mother admitted her love for Jacob. I heard the words Jacob spoke as he claimed to be better for my mother. So much passion. Yes, I knew I was a transference of their feelings. Perhaps Seth referred to Jacob's feelings of shared parental love. That would make sense. I mulled these thoughts over as we broke from the edge of the forest.
Seth was the first to notice the group of them on Charlie's porch. Almost the whole Cullen clan had gathered. "Uh oh", he muttered. "Looks like we're in for it."
I rolled my eyes. "I have never been in trouble before, so my parents should go pretty easy." He gave a nervous laugh and quickened his pace to reach Billy. I noticed the rest of the pack beside him. They looked at Seth with anger and as soon as he joined them, turned and left.
I gave a weak smile at my mother. "Sorry Mom, I had a weak moment there and lost my temper." I reached for her hand to share but she jerked back and gave me a look of disappointment. Unprepared for this, I felt my mouth fall open and snapped it shut. "I'll clean it up", I grumbled, thinking of the lasagna I had left dripping down the wall. I then let my eyes switch to my father. He didn't meet my gaze. He leaned against the front porch rail, a look of intense concentration on his face. It was Carlisle who spoke first.
"Nessie, this is not all your fault. Please understand this is the ending of a chain of events that had begun even before you were born. For us to blend in", he looked at Esme for a moment, pausing, "we can only stay in one place until the residents become suspicious. That is usually three or four years. We extended our time here for you. So we could focus more on your childhood and raising. Those at the hospital have begun to notice the lack of change in appearance I have had. We were going to leave once you had graduated but some events have unfolded which have pushed us to make the move immediate. I apologize, my dear. It is time for a new adventure to begin. Somewhere else. Somewhere far from here."
I looked around, trying to hide my growing alarm. No one seemed to want to meet my eyes. I looked at Alice and saw her flinch at my attention. In a flash I was beside her, my hand brushing her cheek. The questions in my mind racing through to her own faster than I could say. She didn't pull away as my mother had but instead met my gaze and shared her knowledge.
I closed my eyes and let the images she shared filter across my mind's eye. I saw the girl from the clearing. She ran through the woods frantically, her breath harsh as she pushed herself to greater speed to escape what she had seen. I heard her cries bordering on hysteria as she neared the end of the trail and almost the road beyond. Just as she was about to break out of the forest a figure was there blocking her way. I watched as Nahul swept out an arm and caught her effortlessly. She let out a scream that he stifled with his lips as he stole a kiss from her. Her body went limp and at first I thought perhaps she had fainted but when he broke the kiss I saw her wide eyes and glazed look of surprise. She said nothing as he lay her back across his arm. Willingly she closed her eyes and turned her head, lifting her chin to expose the strong pulse there. I jerked back in shock but the image remained burning in my mind. The pictures blurred and refocused again.
I saw the families searching for their daughter and finding nothing. Through my mind I heard my Charlie's name mentioned. Focusing in on that I heard their displeasure that the girl was not found and he was not doing enough. I broke away from Alice then, finally realizing the extent of the damage that had been done. Though I had not killed the girl, my outburst had led Nahul to the choice he had made. Knowing he had not been raised the same, I had still allowed him to take care of the mess I had created with my temper tantrum. What had he done to the girl? Where was she now? Ashamed, I kept my eyes down and asked Carlisle one question, "When?"