Fractured Fairy Tales Starring Mario

Mario And The Beanstalk

Once upon a time, in the far off land of Mushroomville, there lived two plumbers: Mario and Luigi.

Mario and Luigi were hardworking plumbers; the problem was they were too good at their job. Within a week they had fixed every leaky sink and clogged up toilet in the entire village. They were also very bad businessmen. Whenever a client offered to pay them, Mario refused, always saying the same thing.

"Helping those in need is payment enough."

Within a month of living in Mushroomville, Mario spent all his and Luigi's savings on lottery tickets hoping to get a break. He never even came close.

One day, Luigi had enough. He was making the usual dinner of water with a side of grass. Mario and their mushroom friend, Toad, were sitting at the round kitchen table waiting to be served.

"Did you go job hunting today?" Luigi asked, adding a dash of salt to the water for flavor.

"Well, I was going to but I got roped into rescuing the princess again," Mario sighed.

A fire surged through Luigi's veins. He slammed the bowl of salty water on the table and pulled Mario out of his seat.

"Why not!" he yelled, shaking Mario violently.

"I don't see you out looking for one," Mario said, his stomach twisting and turning.

Luigi abruptly stopped shaking his brother. Mario fell dizzily back into his chair.

"Well," Luigi blushed. "I'm the homemaker. I make dinner and give you a clean home."

"This place is a dump," Toad said.

"Shut up!" Luigi hissed. He turned to Mario. "I want you to look for a job right now and don't return until you've found one."

"But Luigi, it's 10:00 at night. All mushroom shops close at 6:00," Mario stated.

Luigi looked out the tiny window at the front of the house and, sure enough, the moon was out and stars were twinkling in the sky.

"Okay, but first thing tomorrow!" Luigi commanded. Mario nodded.

Luigi left to get the plate of grass salad. Mario leaned across the table, grinning ear to ear.

"That evening backdrop worked like a charm!" he giggled to Toad.

* * * * *

The next morning Mario and Toad went into town.

"I'm sure you'll find a job in no time," Toad said. Nearly every shop the twosome passed had a Help Wanted sign in the window.

"I don't know. No one seems to be looking for assistance," Mario sighed.

They were stopped suddenly by a koopa. He appeared very dignified with a top hat and thick mustache. A wicked grin spread across his lips.

"Looking for a way to make easy money?" he asked.

Toad tugged Mario's arm.

"Let's just ignore this guy," he whispered. "He's trouble."

"Easy money?" Mario asked, ignoring Toad's warning.

"That's right."

"How?" Mario asked excitedly.

"Mario!" Toad hissed.

"Shut up."

"I have three things that can make you very rich," the koopa declared.

"Lemme see! Lemme see!" Mario exclaimed, jumping up and down.

Why do I even bother? Toad thought to himself sadly.

The koopa reached into his shell and pulled out three tiny beans. He handed them to Mario.

"Is this some kind of new currency?" Mario asked confusedly.

"No! Those are magic beans. You plant them and – well – why ruin the surprise," the koopa scoffed.

Mario looked at Toad and winked. Toad groaned.

"Thanks," Mario said, walking off.

"Hold on!" the koopa shouted. "They're aren't free ya know! That's $50.00 a bean."

I knew it was too good to be true! Mario exhaled. A tear hung in his eye as he handed the beans back to the wheeler-dealer koopa.

"I'm afraid I don't have any money," he said sadly.

"Well, that's not a problem," the koopa said kindly, eyeing Toad. "Perhaps we can work out a trade."

"A trade?"

"Sure! I am a slave trader – I mean entrepreneur- and I could use a good worker like your friend there." He nodded at Toad.

Mario looked from Toad, to the beans, to the koopa, and back to Toad.

"Don't even think about it," Toad snarled.

"Well?" the koopa asked expectantly.

* * * * *

Mario whistled happily as he walked into his house. Luigi was making a batch of salty water and grass. Mario gently placed the beans on the round table and grinned dopily at his brother.

"Did you get a job?" Luigi asked.

"No," Mario said.

"What???" Luigi shouted.

"I got something better!" Mario said, nodding at the beans.

"How are those better?"

"I'm not sure, but a koopa said they would make us rich!"

"Beans will make us rich?" Luigi asked suspiciously. Mario nodded, still grinning dopily.

"How?"

"I said I'm not sure!"

"Where's Toad?" Luigi demanded.

"Um… he got a job," Mario lied.

Luigi began pacing the little room of the little house.

"I send you out to get a job and you bring back beans," he sighed.

"Magic beans."

"Magic beans that can make us rich."

"That's right."

Luigi snatched the beans from the table and studied them.

"They look like ordinary beans to me," he said thoughtfully. "Maybe I can make a three bean casserole."

"No!" Mario shouted, taking the beans from his brother. "I'm going to plant them!"

Mario ran to Luigi's grass garden (actually, it was just the front yard but Luigi called it the grass garden). He got on his hands and knees and dug a very shallow hole. He dropped the beans in the hole and skipped back into the house.

"You're going to go looking for a job tomorrow," Luigi said sternly when Mario returned.

"But-"

"In case those buried beans don't do whatever it is they're supposed to do."

Mario yawned, stretched, and climbed into bed.

"Fine," he said, humoring Luigi. "But you'll see. They'll work."

"Uh, Mario," Luigi said.

"Yes?"

"It's 4:00 in the afternoon. Why are you going to bed already?"

* * * * *

The next morning Luigi ran into the house, sweat dripping from his forehead. Mario was sleeping comfortably in bed, his trademark snot bubble rising in his nose. Luigi shook his brother powerfully.

"Wake up!" he shouted. "Mario! Wake up!"

"Aww mom, just five more hours," Mario yawned sleepily.

"Mario! There's a giant beanstalk in our front yard, er, grass garden!" Luigi shouted.

Mario leaped out of bed and ran to the window. A giant beanstalk stood firmly in his front yard, er, grass garden. It stretched farther than they eye could see.

"Oh my God!" Mario shouted delightedly, running outside. Luigi followed. "Do you know what this means?"

"We'll be having beanstalk pizza for the rest our lives?" Luigi asked.

"No!" Mario said. "This is an adventure! I'm gonna climb to the top!"

"But you're supposed to go job hunting today," Luigi whined.

"You said if the beans didn't do their job I had to go job hunting," Mario corrected.

"The beans grew a big-ass beanstalk in our grass garden! I don't feel any richer!"

"That's because all the money is probably all at the top," Mario groaned. "Kinda like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

"But you said there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

"This is different," Mario said, starting to climb.

Luigi looked up. The tip of the beanstalk was hidden behind a few dark clouds. He glanced nervously at Mario.

"I don't know," he said cautiously. "It looks kind of dangerous."

But Mario was already half way up the stalk.

I always said that boy had his head in the clouds. I guess this just confirms

it. Luigi thought, shaking his head.

* * * * *

There wasn't much at the top of the beanstalk. It was just cloud. Mario stepped onto the fluffy ground and was surprised by how firm it was.

I always knew clouds weren't as airy as they looked.

Mario began walking, closely observing his surroundings. Everything looked white, fluffy, and airy. Basically, it was similar to how the inside of Mario's head would look.

After he walked for a mile or so something caught Mario's attention.

"Hey!" he said. "That cloud looks just like a castle."

"That's because it is a castle," a voice from behind him stated. Mario spun around and found the koopa from the day before.

"How did you get up here?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm here to warn you about that castle."

"Warn me?" Mario asked.

"Yes. A giant lives in that castle and she loves eating Italian plumbers."

"I'm an Italian plumber," Mario gasped.

"Then you better stay far away from that castle," the koopa warned.

Mario nodded. Suddenly, a beautiful, song-like voice filled the air.

"Help!" it sang.

"What was that?" Mario asked.

"What was what?" the koopa asked, pretending he didn't hear anything.

"That voice."

"Voice? I didn't hear any voice," the koopa lied.

"Help!'" the beautiful voice repeated.

"It came from that castle," Mario said.

"Must be your imagination." The koopa shrugged.

"Please help!"

"I'd better help," Mario said, running to the castle entrance.

"But I warned you not to go in there! You'll get eaten!" The koopa advised.

"It's my job as a hero to help those in need,"

"Fine! But you can't say I didn't warn you," the koopa smiled. What Mario didn't know was the koopa had a tape player hidden in his shell. The tape he was playing: Songs of Damsels in Distress. He knew if he told Mario to stay away from the castle Mario would go in, and that is exactly what the koopa wanted. Sucker! (Shall we recap? Yes? No?)

Mario knocked the large castle door and it slowly squeaked open.

I hate it when that happens Mario thought. He entered anyway.

The entrance hall of the castle was very plain. Like the outside, it was fluffy, airy, and white. The only difference was the long red carpet that led to a big door.

The room behind the door was like the entrance hall (which was like the outside, but you already knew that), only it had a table, nearly 100 feet taller than Mario, in the middle of the room. There was a long ladder leaning against one of the table legs. A note was attached said: Do not climb this ladder or I will eat you. ~Giant Valentina. Mario ignored the note and climbed the ladder anyway.

The top of the table was like a Thanksgiving spread. Turkeys, potatoes, pies, cakes, every food Mario could imagine was there. There were even a few enormous Big Macs™ from McDonalds™. Mario dived into a bowl of buttery mashed potatoes and began swimming in it. For someone who had eaten salty water and grass salad every day for nearly ten years, Mario was over-joyed to treat his taste buds.

Suddenly, a giant cloud woman, dressed in a silk dress and a parrot headdress, marched into the room. She stood 400 stories tall. Mario quickly scurried out of the mashed potato bowl and hid behind a large turkey.

That must be Giant Valentina.

Valentina sat down at one of the large chairs. She reached for a Big Mac™ when something caught her nose. She sniffed for a moment.

"Fee Fi FO Fum, I smell the mustache of an Italian plumber!" She shouted.

That doesn't rhyme. Mario thought.

Suddenly, the turkey he was hiding behind started to float. Mario covered his eyes (he figured it he couldn't see Valentina, she wouldn't be able to see him).

"INTRUDER!" Valentina shouted.

When Mario opened his eyes he discovered the turkey wasn't floating at all, Valentina had lifted it from the table.

"Hi," Mario squeaked, waving at the angry cloud woman.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm not sure. See, this smooth-talking koopa sold me some magic beans and they made a beanstalk to grow in my front yard, er, flower garden. I climbed it and found your lovely castle. The koopa warned me about you and how you like to eat Italian plumbers but I heard a cry for help. I'm a hero, you see, so I'm sort of obligated to rescue those in need so I came in."

Valentina appear half humored and half annoyed by the story. She plucked Mario from the table and held him at eye level.

"What are you going to do with me?" Mario gulped, not wanting to know the answer.

"I'm going to cook you for dinner," she answered.

"You're not going to eat me?"

"Why do you think I'm cooking you?" she scoffed.

"But you were about to eat a Big Mac™."

"Honey, do you see how tall I am? Do you honestly think one Big Mac™ will fill me up?" Valentina hissed.

"But the Big Mac™ was bigger than me!"

"Don't argue," Valentina barked. Mario shut up.

She snapped her fingers and an enormous black bird entered the room.

"Dodo! Take our guest to the kitchen and cook him," Valentina demanded. Dodo sighed, transferred Mario into his enormous black wing, and staggered off.

"Stupid Valentina always telling me what to do just because I'm her slave. I'll show her," Dodo grumbled as he walked down a long (but boring) hallway. He stopped in front a tiny, padlocked door (actually, it was a normal sized door, but to a 350 story bird it was tiny). He took a silver key from his hat.

Dodo put Mario down and handed him the key, along with a candle and a match.

"There's a staircase on the left of the chamber. Use that key to unlock the prisoners. Don't make your escape until 3:00; that's when Giant Valentina takes her nap." Dodo whispered.

"This isn't the kitchen?" Mario asked.

"No, now hold your breath." Dodo pushed Mario through the door.

Mario fell in a very cold room completely drenched in shadow. He lite the candle Dodo gave him. A golden light filled the room. Mario discovered he was in a dungeon. Nearly seventy mushroom people were changed to a wall and they all looked miserable.

"Toad," he shouted when he noticed his friend among the ranks.

"I warned you, you idiot,'" Toad hissed.

"Help!" somebody from across the room yelped.

The voice belonged to a girl. Actually, a harp with a girl figure carved into the front. She was a pretty girl in a royal dress; she had long golden hair (her whole body was made of gold so it only stands to reason her hair was gold as well), and a crown sitting on her head. She was attached to the wall. A small dinosaur was chained at her side.

"Who are you?" the harp-girl sang.

"I'm Mario. I came to rescue you."

"Thank you! I am Harp-Peach and this is my friend Yoshi, the dinosaur who lays golden eggs," Harp-Peach said gratefully.

"How did you wind up in this dungeon?" Mario asked.

Yoshi explained. "We were happily living in Goldonia, a suburb of Mushroomville, when that nasty Giant Valentina kidnapped us. She took half of my golden eggs to a pawnshop and got a butt load of money, which is how she bought this castle. Now I'm her personal egg layer. Whenever she is low on cash she has me."

"And she took me because I have the most beautiful singing voice in the world and whenever she is feeling down I sing and perk her up," Harp-Peach chimed in.

"That's nice," Mario said.

"Whenever she's in a good mood she eats mushroom people," Harp-Peach said.

"That's not so good."

"There was a prophecy saying you'd come," Yoshi mentioned. "It said 'one day a hero will hear a call for help and he will come to the mushroom people's rescue'."

"Actually Crazy Joe said that," Harp-Peach said.

"Oh yeah."

Mario looked to the opposite wall, at all the unhappy mushroom people.

"What about them? Why are they trapped here?" he asked.

"They had friends who traded them for magic beans," Yoshi said.

Mario looked at Toad and blushed.

"Valentina has her koopa business partner make poor, disobedient, stupid people think magic beans will make them rich. Then she uses black magic to grow a beanstalk, which leads the stupid friend to the castle. She eats the stupid person (stupid people are apparently much tastier than smart people) and uses the traded friends as slaves," Harp-Peach explained.

Mario hung his head. He knew he let Luigi, Toad, and himself down.

"Say," Yoshi thought. "Why didn't Dodo chain you up?"

"He was supposed to take me to the kitchen and cook me," Mario said. "But instead he tossed me down here. I think he wanted me to save all of you!"

He remembered he still had the silver key Dodo gave him. He quickly unlocked Harp-Peach, Yoshi, and all the mushroom people.

"It feel so good to move again," Yoshi said, stretching.

"Dodo said there is a staircase to the left of the chamber," Mario recalled.

He grasped his candle and moved to the left wall of the chamber. There was a fluffy white staircase, just as Dodo said. The mushroom people cheered.

"Shhh," Mario hissed, putting his finger to his lips. "Dodo said to wait until 3:00 to escape because that's when Valentina takes her nap."

"Does anyone know what time it is now?" someone in the crowd of mushroom people asked.

"4:30." Another said.

"Shoot," another snapped.

"Should we wait until tomorrow?" Mario asked.

"We can't. Giant Valentina will be expecting you for dinner," Harp-Peach whispered.

"She never invited me," Mario said thoughtfully.

"Told ya," Toad whispered to his neighbor.

"No, she'll be expecting to eat you for dinner." Harp-Peach rolled her eyes.

"Oh."

"There's no telling what she'll do when she finds out Dodo sent you down here to save us," Yoshi gasped. "She has the biggest temper I've ever seen."

"And it's almost dinner time," a mushroom person shrieked.

"It's now or never," Peach said.

"Let's go. Just be quiet," Mario warned.

With Mario in the lead, the pack crept up the fluffy staircase. Mario opened the door at the top of the stairs and stood aside, allowing the hoard slip out. Quietly they jogged down the boring hallway, through the boring dining room, and into the boring entrance hall. They were almost at the door when that wheeler-dealer koopa spotted them.

"VALENTINA," he shouted at the top of his lungs.

Yoshi angrily shot out his extremely long tongue and consumed the goomba.

"Fee Fi FO Fum," Valentina shouted, storming into the hall. "I smell a bunch of little escapees."

"She doesn't even rhyme," Mario whispered to Yoshi.

Valentina grabbed one of the screaming mushroom people and swallowed him whole.

"I'm going to do that to each and every one of you if you don't get back to your cell right now!" she commanded. Mario suddenly caught her eye.

"HEY! I thought I told Dodo to cook you," she shouted, snapping her fingers. Dodo walked into the room, grumbling under his breath.

"What do you want?"

"Didn't I tell you to cook that Italian plumber?" Valentina shouted, pointing at Mario.

"Yeah."

"Well, why didn't you?"

"Well," Dodo said, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot. "It's like this. You're a bitch and I'm tired of taking orders from you." Without warning, he punched Valentina in the face and knocked her to the ground.

"Run!" He shouted to the escapees.

Mario pushed open the door and led the rebellion out of the castle.

They ran for a mile or so when Mario saw the tip of the beanstalk; they were almost home free. Mario glanced over his shoulder. Valentina was charging towards them at an accelerated rate. Dodo was quick at her heels.

"Hurry," Mario urged the crowd.

He impatiently waited for all sixty-nine mushroom people to slide down the beanstalk as if it were a fire pole. Then Harp-Peach. Then Yoshi. They were safe from the castle its the horrible memories. Unfortunately, Valentina caught Mario.

"I suppose I'll just have to eat you raw," she laughed.

She held Mario above her wide-opened mouth; her hot breath sweeping over his tiny body. She was about to swallow him whole when Dodo head-butted her in the, well, butt. Valentina lost her balance. She dropped Mario to the ground and fell head first through a gap in the clouds. Though she was a giant, the beanstalk was nearly thirty times bigger than her.

When the crowd below saw Valentina plummeting head first to the ground they scurried out of the way. Valentina smashed into Mario's house. The impact killed her instantly. Dodo flew to the ground and Mario slid safely off his back.

"All hail Mario! The wicked giant is dead," a mushroom person shouted.

"All hail Mario! The wicked giant is dead," the rest of the crowed repeated.

They all gathered around Mario, lifted him onto their shoulders, and carried him through the streets of Mushroomville.

Toad turned to Luigi.

"Next time, YOU take him job hunting," he snarled, and chased after the crowd.

* * * * *

Mario wrote a book about his adventures in the cloud castle. He entitled it The Beanstalk And Me. The book made it on all the best-seller lists and he made a very hefty profit.

Luigi opened The Beanstalk Café. It was the most popular restaurant in Mushroomville. Amazingly, beanstalk was terrific in coffee. At first only the trendy people went there, then people who weren't trendy but liked to think they were, and finally everyone in the mushroom kingdom drank Luigi's Beanstalk Coffee™. Luigi employed Harp-Peach as the lounge singer on Monday and Wednesday nights.

Yoshi found out he was a boy and therefore couldn't lay eggs. He met a nice dinosaur named Susie and they now live somewhere in Idaho.

Toad forgave Mario for trading him into slavery and helped him co-write his book.

Dodo bought the cloud castle and opened it to the public as an amusement park.

Valentina went to hell and is now spending eternity laying golden eggs for the devil (played by Bowser, who was promised a cameo in each fairy tale.)

All in all it can be said, that they all lived happily ever after.

The End