Chapter 1: Room Zero

In an alien compound on some planet nobody cares about, four soldiers walked through a hallway, two of them arguing.

"I think we're going the wrong way."

"How would you know? You've never even been here before."

"You've never been here before, either!"

"Well, I'm not the one telling people they're going the wrong way."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

A new voice spoke, "Let's all shut up! How about that?"

"Oh just can it, Rhode."

The four stopped as the fourth soldier, Simmons, brought out a tablet.

"Simmons," Rhode asked, "What does that thing say? Where are they holding Sarge and Tex prisoner?"

Simmons' device showed a long illuminated hallway, with a sergeant and cowboy hat icons next to the 'prison'.

"Says here section 1,157," Simmons answered.

"What section are we in now?" Church asked.

The tablet panned out to show multiple rooms around their area.

"Umm, section 0."

"Aw, crap," Grif groaned, "That's like a million sections away!"

"We have to fight our way through this whole place?" Church complained, "They'll be dead by then!"

"Yeah," Rhode agreed, "That's too much, even for me."

"Maybe not," Simmons deduced, "You see this?"

Simmons pointed to a holographic, circular tunnel, "It says that access tunnel cuts right into the mountain. It looks like a pretty straight run... but it's loaded with guards."

"How long is it?" Church asked.

"Uh... Whoa... Almost a kilometer."

"Like I said," Rhode said, "Too much."

"So, our choice is," Grif concluded, "A bunch of small rooms filled with a ton of enemies, or one long room filled with a ton of enemies. Or we could give up! I say we give up."

Church took the tablet from Simmons as he looked at Grif and Church began typing on it.

"Grif, we can't stop now!" Simmons argued, "We're only in the first room!"

"No, according to what you said, we're not even in the first room! We're in room 0. But it's okay Simmons, we did our best. No one could possibly ask any more of us."

"Hate to admit it," Rhode said, "He's got a point."

"I got an idea," Church said, "Simmons, Rhode..."

Church, Rhode, and Simmons started secretly whispering a plan to each other while Grif watched suspiciously.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Grif asked, "That doesn't sound like surrendering. Let me see."

Grif approached them, but Simmons raised a hand quickly to stop him.

"Get away Grif, we're working here!"

"Yeah, c'mon!" Church said, "Beat it!"

"Trust me," Rhode said, "You wouldn't be interested."

Grif started to walk over to a door, with a holographic lock, "Whatever. I don't wanna see anyways. 'Oh look at me, I'm Simmons! I have a computer and I don't have to show it to anybody! I just got to push all the buttons!'"

While saying this, Grif randomly started pushing buttons on the lock, and the door opened, revealing a room filled with Grunts, who looked up at him.

"Ummm..."

"What is that noise?" Rhode asked.

"How do I shut this door?"

The Grunts picked up their weapons. They attacked and Simmons, Grif, Rhode, and Church ran down the hall, and got behind cover.

"Run!!" Simmons screamed.

"Aaaah!!" Grif yelled.

"Where the crap did they come from!?"

The four of them start firing at the Grunts.

"WHAT THE CRAP!?" Church yelled.

"They're blocking our way to the access tunnel!" Rhode said.

"AW, COME ON!" Church turned to Simmons, "Simmons, rocket launcher, now!

"Comin' up!"

Simmons pulled out the Rocket Launcher and Grif looked at the gun.

"You're not gonna kill them all with that!" he argued.

Church placed a rope in the Rocket Launcher's barrel, "We don't need to! This is a guided rocket!"

"Wait," Rhode said, "We're going through with that plan?!"

"Aim for the tunnel, Simmons!"

"I'm on it!" Simmons replied.

Simmons stepped out from his cover, with the Rocket Launcher.

"Fire in the hole!" Simmons fires the rocket, it sailing past the Grunts and into the tunnel.

The pile of rope began to get shorter and shorter as it traveled through the tunnel.

"Alright," Church said as he tied the top around his waist, "Use the map to guide me. Don't let me hit anything! ...And, you know, explode."

"What the heck are you doing?!" Grif asked.

"I, uh, I'm suddenly having second thoughts."

"I can't believe we had a first thought," Rhode muttered.

"Yeah. Hey Grif? In case I forget to say it later: ow."

Church was pulled viciously away toward the access tunnel, hitting a Grunt on the way, whilst screaming.

Grif grinned, "Ha, ha, ha! Yes! Finally a stupid plan where someone's gonna get killed and it's not me!"

XXX

In the access tunnel, the rocket was still going, Church not too far behind while still screaming.

XXX

Back with our... *cough*cough* heroes...

"Oh my God, there's like a million of these things!" Grif yelled.

"Well, freakin' shoot them then!" Simmons yelled back.

XXX

Meanwhile, Church, still screaming, flew out of the access tunnel, hitting a Jackal in the back of the head.

XXX

Back to Rhode, where he headshotted a few more Grunts.

"Ha ha!" he said, "Is that your best?"

He heard a loud thud behind him. He slowly turned around and saw a giant Brute, easily two times taller than him. Rhode stared at him for a second before waving a nervous hello.

"I hate my stupid m-"

Before he could even finish the sentence, the Brute grabbed him and began smashing him around in a way similar to that of Hulk smashing Loki.

The Grunts finally ran out of ammo and charged the remaining two Reds.

"Uh, Simmons," Grif said nervously, "They're getting closer!"

A Grunt launched himself at Grif, pummeling him to the ground.

"Oww! Help! Get them off me!"

"Help yourself," Simmons replied, "They aren't that tough!"

A Grunt then punched Simmons right in the groin, and knocked his tablet away.

"Ow! Son of a-"

"Whatever you're doing back there, stop doing it!" Church called over the radio, "Or do it straighter! Please!"

Simmons tried to knock the Grunts away with his Rocket Launcher, "Take that, you little jerks!"

A Grunt dived on Simmons, making him fall to the ground.

XXX

Back with Church, as the rocket flied into a large tunnel that went straight up, filled with Covenant soldiers. Two Jackals watched as the rocket flew past them, and then Church flew past. The Jackals and many other Covenant soldiers started shooting at Church.

"Uhh, okay guys? Yeah, that's too high. Guys? That's too high, guys! Guys?!"

XXX

Back with the others, Rhode was still getting smacked around, and Grif and Simmons had a Grunt jumping on them.

Church looked up and saw the ceiling he was about to crash into, "Oh man... This is gonna-"

He hit the ceiling, "huuuuuuuuuurt!!!!"

XXX

"SON OF A-OW!!!"

Church woke up in the familiar white void that he found himself in every time a plan went wrong. The void of the Epsilon Unit.

"How many times?!" he complained, "How many times do I have to relive this bullcrap?!"

Suddenly another Church appeared, like a hologram. For the sake of all you readers, this is Epsilon.

"Alright, you big baby," Epsilon said, "Calm down."

"Hey, up yours, man," Church replied angrily, "You don't know me!"

"Actually, moron, I do," Epsilon retorted, "I'm you."

"I know you know! It's a figure of speech! Huh, who's the moron now?!"

"Still you."

Church looked down, then punched Epsilon, which hurt both of them, and they staggered back, holding their jaws.

"Ow!" they both cried.

"Man, I hit hard!" Church complained.

"Or we just have a glass jaw," Epsilon replied as they stood up and faced each other, "So, what did we learn this time?"

Church sighed, "Antagonizing the aliens, is not a surefire way to keep Tex in Blood Gulch."

"Yeah, you know, I really thought you would have figured that out the first time it didn't work."

"Don't you mean we?"

"Don't freaking sass me."

Church groaned and fell to the ground on his back.

"Hey," Epsilon scolded, "We knew what we were getting into when we started this. Chasing after Tex in here, won't be easy. We can try to change things, but it's entirely possible that we're still gonna relive our memories, over, and over, and over, and ove-"

"Okay," Church gave a dismissive wave, "I get it!"

Epsilon sighed, "I guess it's time for a new iteration. Any bright ideas this time around?"

Church sat up thoughtfully, "What if we killed Caboose?"

"How would that help?"

Church shrugged, "It would make me feel a lot better."

"...Huh. Good point."

Church disappeared and Epsilon created Blood Gulch around him and stood atop Blue Base. He spawned a Sniper Rifle in the air and grabbed it as it dropped down.

"Alright," he said, "Let's get this started. Hey Tucker! I think the Reds just got a delivery!"

XXX

And that concludes Season 14 Episode 1! Next chapter, I'll be covering something original. Remember Zona and Penny? Time to see what happened to them. Till next time guys!