Struck Before Midnight Part II
I had to include some sort of mental illness-mostly because (I'm not even going to finish this sentence.) Remember the state Ziva was in when Tony tracked her down. The only thing I altered was the plane crash. I am assuming most of you can figure it out. Review - c:
She's staring at herself in a foggy bathroom mirror; her hands gripping the edge of the cold granite countertop. As she slowly looks back up to herself, the churning starts again so she runs her wrists back under the cold faucet water. Relax.
Being torn the past two days is starting to wear her down to the core. Like the tip of a pencil being rubbed to the nub, she feels the same.
One part of her loves being with him and her (ever-growing inside her) baby. The other part is manifesting all types of hatred, resentment, and regret. The worst part is that all of those emotions are aiming their sword towards her. The battlefield of the mind.
So she pushes him away, but still keeps him at arm's length.
And he understands.
After my father died, returning to these places seemed necessary.
It started off as a good thing, but then I saw Deena Bashan, and-
This all can't be because of her.
No, it's not because of her.
It's because of me.
You had to kill Ari.
One person loving him doesn't change that.
Yes, but I loved him.
Just as I loved my father and my mother and Tali.
How can I not think that for every man I killed, there is someone out there crying for him?
It's part of the job.
You gotta leave it at that.
Deena blamed me.
I thought that by going back to these places, I would somehow erase all of that, but each stop just made it clearer.
She was right.
The center of all this pain is me.
Ziva, this isn't you.
This is me, Tony.
This is what I made of myself.
But it's not who I wanted to be.
He knows that, as well.
Tony sits at his desk, waiting for the Bossman himself to get back from the director's lair. He sits and plays with the temporary replacement agent's multiple pens and trinkets by the keyboard and mouse. Most of Tony's items were still intact and in their respected drawer, except the Minimouse stapler. Abby probably has it, he thinks.
"Thought you went home, DiNozzo."
He turns his head to look at his boss, a coffee cup in one hand, strolling through the center of the bullpen heading for his desk.
"Uh, no, I mean yeah, I was but-"Spare the details. Get to the point. "How did the meeting with Vance go?"
The older man nods and clicks a few times on his mouse.
"He's reluctant." Gibbs looks at the agent now up from his desk and now standing, staring down at his, urging him to give him more details. "But he's letting you start back on Monday."
"Really?" Tony breathes. "That soon?"
"What? Thought you wanted to get back on the horse."
"Fast horse," Tony nervously bites his lip.
"Something the matter, DiNozzo?"
"Hm? Oh, no. No."
With that remark, Gibbs pushes his chair back and moves to the center of the bullpen where Tony stands. All day, even in MTAC, Tony had been seen stuck in thought. His eyes drifting away when talking to someone. So uncharacteristically distracted.
"You gonna tell me what's eating at you or do I have to rethink signing you off for duty," he threatens.
"Absolutely not boss." He can see he's pushing the nerves of his leader. Yes he wants to start back at work. It's just that-
"Then what's the problem?"
"It's more like who's the problem."
Gibbs pinches his temple and warns him, "Tony."
"I'll take my shooting test again. I'll start on Monday," he quickly reassures the man, "but, I need to tell you something."
Ducky pours Gibbs a little ember into his glass and asks, "Jethro, did you get a good look at the poor boy? I imagine he's either a wreck or worse."
It's late, in the afterhours of autopsy and he's not letting up anytime soon. But then again, he's talking about family.
"He's one of the finest agent's I have ever worked with. This situation isn't-"He stops in his track with tiring defeat.
"We know he is an exemplary employee, but you're not worried about that. I imagine that's why you're down here."
"Can't get anything by you, Duck." Gibbs sighs. "It's Ziva."
With interest, he probes the other man. "Ziva. With the bits and pieces I have gathered, I presume she's about 3 or 4 weeks. You should be happy, especially with the special bond you have with her."
"Tony says she's not well. I saw her last night for half an hour. She wanted to get to bed before dinner and..."
"And you know it's not because she's tired."
"She needs to talk to someone. When she came back, she was not the same person."
"One of Mother's friends had the same problem after the war. Yes, if her fate is to be Ziva's, a professional would be able to help her. It is the wisest choice."
"You know Ziva, she wouldn't be caught dead in a doctor's office!"
The doctor nods his head and sits back in his chair, overlooking the lamp. "But, Jethro, remember she is not the same person. You said it yourself."
"You think because she's pregnant she'll go for it?"
The scientific method works for people too. After all we are one giant experiment. "She is no longer responsible for only herself. This even means her own punishment. Would she go to therapy for herself? Of course not. Would she go to see a doctor for Anthony or you? Probably not. But she would go if it meant the baby would benefit. You just have to make her see it that way. She has to know you are on her side."
"I am on her side."
"Then what are you still doing here?"
A week passes before she knows it. She's grateful that her father's inheritance is well more than enough for living without employment, but she looks for something safer nonetheless.
All of Eli's personal files are digitized and sent to Ziva through courier. Her bank accounts are now closed in Israel and transferred to the US. However, she maintains citizenship in both countries to sidetrack the people who might want her father's files and her bloodshed. Her items are in storage outside the metro area, close to where her old apartment was. And…he's allowing her time to be by herself.
Oh, she is going through the motions but something holds her back. When he calls, she picks up. I owe him that much, she thinks.
Ziva?
"Yes, Tony."
You know you can stay here.
"I know."
But you're not going to.
"I just need a week.
Things are just moving really fast.
Tony, I promise you I will come back."
Aright, I trust you.
And then he calls her while she's in bed at the uptown hotel she checked into a couple days after she arrived in D.C. with a limping partner by her side.
You up?
"Well, I answered. Did I not?"
Sorry, I just wanted to hear your voice.
I was able to get signed off for duty. Start Monday.
"Well, that's wonderful news. I am happy for you."
Thanks, Zee.
Hey are you coming back? The team misses you.
"I know.
I don't think I can go back.
You know that."
I figured as much. I meant desk work or an intelligence operative…
"Look. Uh, Tony, I don't want to do this anymore. It's death, murder, hatred, crimes…"
I remember. And I support your decisions 100 percent. I hope you know that.
"I do.
And that does not mean I will not be seeing the team. Abby wouldn't be able to handle that."
Have you thought about it at all?
"About what?"
Whether it's a boy or a girl?
"Actually I have. Have you?"
Yeah. All the time.
What do you want?
"I don't think we should hope for one gender or the other. I just want him or her to be happy and healthy."
Come on. I hope for my son or daughter to be those things, too. That's what all parents want. I'm asking you for your opinion. Don't leave me hanging!
"Alright. Alright….
I wished for a girl."
Gibbs is the one that convinces her. As a man of few words, he does what he can. He mentions Shannon and Kelly, which brings Ziva to tears. She mutters that it's only the hormones, but Gibbs assures her an explanation isn't necessary.
Along with twice a week therapy sessions (once a week with a group and once one-on-one), she is put on the standard Fluoxetine and Zyprexa combo.
Medication is only a band aide, she and her therapist both agree.
Luckily, there are far more Israeli's in her area than she thought. All of them have military experience. Most of the have not killed in duty, but they all have suffered in some way or another. She meets three of them through the synagogue she stops in one day.
She breaks down at the end of one service, when all of the people have left except for a few still sitting in silent prayer. An older woman, who works at the Pentagon, sits beside her and learns about her.
She is showered with affection and encouragement. The fact that she had served dutifully for the nation of Israel gives her a story to tell at a women only brunch hosted by the older lady.
The next day, a Sunday morning, Ziva shows up to Tony's door with her bag beside her. He was getting ready to go to a physical therapy appointment. She knows this because Tony told her in one of their phone conversations.
She had a lopsided smile on her face when he opened the door a little wider to let her in.
Well, she seems…content…better… I just hope she won't snap my head off if I say or do something. I really shouldn't be walking on eggshells. That wouldn't be me. But I have been waiting for her all week, to see her. Oh, she's here. I wish I had a dog. You know the type of type that runs up and licks you all over. Wait a minute, I hate dogs. They tried to kill me once (or twice). What the hell has gotten into me? I think-
"Hi," she says rubbing her arms. Suddenly it got chilly.
"Hey," he says so wistfully. Then he takes a seat back on the couch with his phone. "Take a seat."
Per his instructions, she swallows, puts her bag down on the floor, and sits next to him.
Make her comfortable. This should be her home. We will be spending a lot of time together because, uh, we kinda have to. But I mean we could enjoy it. Just don't do anything stupid. You're going to be a father, DiNozzo. Get your head in the game!
"I'm waiting for an e-mail right now. Back to work stuff." He places his phone down on the table in front of them. "How have you been?"
"Better," she states. Why can't I look at him the way I used to? We're not coworkers anymore, we're partners but in a new way. Don't make this uncomfortable. He's doing what he can. You should too.
"I'm happy to hear that." He turns his body so he can face her. She smiles but it's no secret she feels like the spotlight is on her. "So…"
"So…" She waits for him to say anything. When he doesn't, she decides to take a leap of faith. "I do not want this to be difficult." He understands. "We should talk…"
"We're talking now," he says with a warm smile. She can't help but to follow suit and a similar smile graced upon her lips.
"Yes. We are. I just wanted to know how we will make this work."
He sighs and thinks for a few seconds. I know what I want; but what does she want. He sees her face and those coco pools. They exchange a look then he takes his palm to her soft, olive cheek. She can't help but to lean into his touch.
"All we need to know is that it will work, alright Ziva?" He lowers his hand to hers and takes them lightly. "You know, while I'm getting my groove back at PT, why don't you look for a more suitable space?"
"You want to move?"
"Well yeah. This is only a one bedroom. I don't see how this is practical anymore."
She shrugs loosely, "well, if you insist." She looks around at the very upscale condo and smirks, "You love this place, Tony."
"Yeah, I do. Some good ones, some bad." He thinks back to the bullet that went through his window. "Remind me to pay the little girl down the hall." Ziva gives him a confused look, "Kate, my fish."
"Oh. I see."
"Yeah," then going back into his mind space full of wondering thoughts, "You like dogs, right?" She nods slowly, "Okay, criteria for our place: dog friendly."
"Tony, you hate dogs."
"I could get used to 'em."
"You should get used to a human baby first" she persists.
He jokes, "aren't they, like, the same?"
Ziva hits him in the shoulder causing him to wince melodramatically. Typical Tony, she thinks.
A week later, after a full day of apartment hunting, Tony finds himself walking down the stairs to Gibbs's basement.
He hasn't even looked up from his boat when the man greets the special agent.
"How'd ya know it was me?"
The older man nearly shrugs, "figured you'd be coming by." He heads for his workbench to pour out a glass holding nuts and bolts and fill it with half an inch of golden bourbon. Tony thanks him and takes a sip; bitter and just right. Not for the faint of heart.
"You know by now that Ziva, uh-"
"Pregnant? With your kid? Yeah, I know."
Oh, how Tony feels like Palmer; with the 'lost in words', stuttering 'get back on topic' look. And Gibbs, with that derailing glare of silent judgment. For the autopsy gremlin that look howled at him to stop talking. Well, Tony needs to keep talking before he gets a head slap.
"Right. Well. I guess I need advice. Didn't know who else to turn to."
Gibbs leans against his boat and folds his arms over. He points to the metal stool near his work table. "Sit." Tony takes a seat with the glass in his hands.
"We've been looking for places to live…together. I'm more than happy about it, I just feel she's holding back," he explains. "I mean Ziva is getting better at this 'working together' thing but it feels more friendship than, uh..."
"Relationship? Yeah, expect that, DiNozzo. It's called pregnancy," he shows a little smirk.
The agent nods, "Of course." Suddenly, he feels a little more at ease. Get a biology book, go to the chapter of pregnancy. Now, look at all the changes and biological travesties going on inside the woman's body. Oh God, stop thinking about it. It'll give you nightmares. Great, now I'm thinking about it. Sleep well tonight, dumbass.
"So you're looking for an apartment…"
"Uh, yeah, I put Ziva in charge of scouting out places. I would myself, but I want her to be happy with where we end up."
"Sounds like you really want Ziva to be happy."
Of course I do. Why would he even... "I love her. Is that a bad thing?"
"No. You have to give 100 percent and she has to give 100 percent. That's the only way it'll work."
Okay, he does have some credibility. He may not be an expert on lasting (post-first) marriages, but he does know how they end. With his record, he's a few short of becoming a guru on the matter.
"I know we both are. We're trying. "
"Geared up for the long-haul?"
"Yes."
"And the feelings are mutual?" Gibbs asked with squinted eyes. He's a guy who focuses on facts not feelings along with other abstract ideas.
Tony feels like he's being interrogated, "Yes, boss."
Gibbs exhales, scratches his head, and straightens his back. "Screw the apartment. Get a house."
Tony feels a shiver run down his spine. A house? "What? I means that's a good idea. But-"
"Seems too permanent?" Without Tony responding the man continues with mild frustration and a raised volume, "What the hell ya think a child is, DiNozzo?"
"Hey! I know that having a kid is something that requires…," he thinks for a second, "stability, permanency, and all that…"
"Or are you too scared?"
"No!" then lowers his volume, "I'll have to talk to Ziva about that."
"Ziva's scared too. Can't expect her to make a decision like that by herself," his boss reminds him.
"I know." Tony puts the glass down on the wood work bench. "Is it normal to be, ya know… a little scared?"
Gibbs genuinely smiles slightly, remembering Kelly. "Tony, I have never met a soon to be parent who didn't have a little fear in their gut. If you didn't, then there'd be something to worry about."
Reassurance. Oh, how it feels so good. "I want to be a good dad and whatever it is Ziva wants me to be to her."
"You will. Trust me," Gibbs assures. "Now, when it comes to Ziva... hey, if you two work as hard at parenting like you worked together in the field, then you have nothing to worry about."
"Thanks boss." They shake hands and Gibbs gives him a couple pats on the back.
At eighteen weeks, she finds a job at a non-profit organization (she wants to feel like she's done constructive efforts rather than destructive.) And, she finds a cute, four bedroom house with a sizable backyard in an outskirt of Arlington.
The night after putting down the down payment, they find themselves sleeping together for the third time since Israel.
They don't make out heatedly and restrict themselves to only a few affectionate kisses (and it's not because they don't want to). They realize the need to focus on each other and their needs are way more important.
Plus, they will have all the time on the world.
For now, she finds a warm pillar of strength lying next to her. When she wakes up her head is on his shoulder and he's is a state like she's never seen him before; so relaxed, so domestic, so Tony. And she is so happy she decided to make this her life. He has helped change her and he has changed, just like he said he would. Oh, how she loves him; the greatest friend she has ever known.
Abby Sciuto is not one to keep her excitement in check. She just has to hop up and down or clasp her hands, clap a little, or even learn to knit. The happiest goth you'll ever meet.
"But, it's just you and Ziva. Ziva and you, oh!, and a little bitty baby. Oh my gosh. I have to get you guys a cute baby outfit. Do you know what it is yet? Mm! doesn't matter, I know a great place to get a bunny –
"Abby."
"-goth bunny outfit. Have you talked to Ziva yet? Duh! Of course you have! I mean you did more than talking of course! The whole baby thing could vouch for that-"
"Abby!"
"She's like this super ninja with style. And, like, a shower? She's gotta have a shower! I don't want to make her uncomfortable or anything so maybe just mention it tonight or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Which ever day is goo with you-"
"ABBY"
"Yes Tony?"
"Were you able to get a match on the shell casings?"
At 19 weeks, Tony gets a call from Ziva. When he answers her with a genuine "hey, sweety", McGee reminds himself that he's still getting used to his coworker (and friend) being in a relationship with Ziva, another friend and former coworker (ok, it's more than that, how and when did it happen, when did it even start? Were they an item the whole time? He thinks.)
"Wait, you mean now?"
Yes, I mean now. The appointment opened up and I thought you would want to be there when I find out.
"Well, of course I do, Z."
Then get your butt over there. Unless, you want to keep the appointment we have next week, find out then?
"No! no. Sooner the better. Meet ya over there."
When he puts his phone down, a slow smile forms on his face. His head is focused on the many buttons on his phone, primarily the blinking light for 'call waiting'.
Wow. Just wow. She's-
"DiNozzo!"
The voice comes from three feet away, where Gibbs stands looking directly at him.
"I asked you if you had to be somewhere."
"Oh right? Sorry, lost in thought," he explains. "I have to, uh, appointment, Ziva-"
"I know. She called me. Go! Family first."
Family First.
He scurries to get his keys, phone, and wallet. He locks a stack of files in his bottom drawer, smiles to McGee, Ellie, and Gibbs. And it's only the beginning.
A/N: Part 3 coming soon. One word: Tali.