Chapter 2: The Second Chapter

Henry woke up a couch-thing in a strange diner. He yawned and stretched. He had a massive headache and was strangely hungry . . .

The memory of what happened came back to him.

— — — A minute later — — —

Wiping the puke from his mouth with a napkin nearby, Henry sat up and noticed a blonde cop chick lady watching him from across the room.

'Ugh . . .' Henry said, trying to push the horrifying images out of his head. 'Was I dreaming?'

'How do you feel?' the cop asked. Henry scoffed.

'Like I've been raped in the ass by Tom . . . or hit by a truck. Whichever you prefer . . .'

'Tom?'

'Nevermind. I'm all right, I guess.'

'Glad to hear it.' She looked out the window and back to him. 'You from around here? Why don't you tell me what happened?'

Henry coughed. 'I plead the fifth.'

The cop was silent for a minute. 'That's not what you're supposed to say . . .'

'Stfu,' Henry said. 'I'm on vacation with my daughter Cheryl. Have you seen her?'

'Describe her,' the cop instructed. Henry thought for a moment.

'She's eight years old, short black hair, cutest wittle thing you ever saw! But seriously, have you seen her?'

'Can't say I have. The only person I've seen in this town is you.'

Henry moaned and put his head in his hands. 'Aww . . . fuck!'

'What?'

'Now the town is probably full of crazy shit! God damnit!'

'What's your name?'

Henry bit his lip. Recently he'd been in trouble with the cops — mostly due to James.

— Jumping Jack Flashback —

Henry walked outside of the grocery store, whistling the tune to 'Always Look On the Bright Side of Life'. I won't tell you that it is by Monty Python, because you can look it up. Anyway, Sir Sunderland was standing there with his jacket wide open, following people as they walked by.

'Whaddya buyin'?' he asked, managing to sound exactly like the merchant from Resident Evil 4. People were running away from him like he was a monster. They were partly right, if my hypothesis is correct.

'James, what are you doing?' Henry asked, thinking James was just being retarded. The blonde man turned to him and smiled innocently.

'I'm trying to raise money to fund my superhero career!' He opened his jacket to reveal loads of pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, rocket launchers, knives, swords, and grenades strapped in tightly. Henry screamed and closed his coat, forcing him to get into the car.

Just then, the cops pulled up. Henry hit his head on the car in frustration. 'James, you stupid bastard!'

'I made six-thousand pesetas!' James protested.

— FIN —

'Harry. Harry Mason,' Henry lied. 'My name is Harry Mason. Which is not, in any way, a sexual play on words. Like, at all.'

'I see. I'm Cybil Bennet. I'm a police officer from Brahms, the next town over. The phones are all dead, and the radio too. I'm going back for reinforcements.'

'Well then, good luck, I hope you find a way out, though you won't, and I'll be seeing you.' He stood to leave.

'Stop! Where do you think you're going?'

'I gotta take a piss,' he said sarcastically.

'Got a gun?'

Henry reached in his pocket for the revolver. 'Aww shit.'

Cybil stood and pulled out her small pistol, giving it to him. 'Before you pull the trigger, know who you're—'

Henry accidentally pulled the trigger while the gun was pointing at Cybil's head. She fell down in a pool of blood as Henry stood frozen in place. Very, very slowly he backed up and went out the door.

'Where could Cheryl have gone?' he wondered. 'I should check that alley again . . .'

He waited for several minutes, but no map showed up. 'Fuck my life . . .' He started walking down the road.

— — — The alley — — —

Walter woke up and saw that everything was normal again. 'Ugh, where did that brat go!? I better go find her before she does something stupid!' He broke into a run, slipping on his puke and landing hard on his back. Standing again, he brushed his jacket off and growled. He then took off into a sprint.

The pipe he had been carrying lay against the wall, forgotten by its master . . .

— — — In front of the alley — — —

Henry came to the entrance to the alley. Knowing the town was screwed up, he proceeded with caution. By caution, I mean he walked normally and without looking around for monsters. At least he had the gun out . . .

Suddenly a huge bird collided with him and sent him into a brick wall nearby. 'Mein leben!' he cried. Standing, he brought the pistol to eye level and scanned the air for the bird. Upon sighting it, he promptly shit himself. Then he fired.

One bullet, two bullet, red bullet, dead birdie.

Henry took a deep breath and wiped his brow. 'I fucking knew it!' he muttered in anger. 'I can't ever take a goddamn vacation . . .'

—Flashback—

Henry sat eating at an outdoor restaurant, alone. 'And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes — I'll see you on the dark side of the Moon . . .' he sang along to the radio quietly. It was a sunny day out, except for the fact that the sun wasn't out. So it had the potential to be sunny.

There suddenly came a wild scream from a man down the street — another man was biting him in the neck. People were freaking out, naturally, except for Henry. Well, he was just pissed.

'God damn it!' he yelled. 'I knew Raccoon city was fucked up! That's the last time I trust Amarant's advice!'

— FlashbackwithinaFlashback—

Author: No. You can't do that. Don't you people remember anything? Damn . . .

— EndFlashbackwithinaFlashback—

—End Flashback—

'The sad thing is that I remember that . . .' Henry lamented as a dog tackled him to the ground.

— — — Room 302 — — —

Maria was—nevermind.

James was playing with a new refrigerator that they'd just bought, pressing the ice dispenser button haphazardly. The ice fell in the tray, and at the moment it was about ready to overflow.

Robo rolled up and beeped. 'Mr. Sullivan, I must enquire as to your reasoning for purchasing such a useless piece of machinery. I function as a water dispenser and ice machine.'

'Why would I use you when I can simply pay $9,500 for this bulky piece of hardware?' James asked as if Robo were being retarded. He continued to hit the ice button and watch it fall.

'Can you at least consume the ice that you produce?'

'You can't eat ice, stupid!' James pointed out. Suddenly the machine made a horribly terrible noise, and the ice stopped working. James began to pout. Robo booped.

'It would appear that you broke it, Mr. Sunderland.' He rolled over to the box and pulled out Instruction Manuel.

'Manuel, what has James done to cause the ice production aspect of this machine to cease to function?'

Manuel closed his eyes and meditated. When he opened them, they were the same, only different. 'It would appear that you broke the Water Chip, James.'

'Huh?' James booped—I mean, said.

'Yes, you broke the Water Chip. I'm afraid you have 150 days to find a new one.'

'Why?'

Manuel shrugged. 'Don't ask me man — I only work here.'

— — — lliH tneliS — — —

Henry had successfully failed to not kill the dogs. They lay in pools of blood around him. Henry wanted to swim in one of those pools, but alas, he had not a bathing suit. Anyhow, he took off down the alley where he hypothesized that Cheryl would be at. After a couple of twists and turns, he came to a chain link fence. Before it was a pipe and a couple of torn out notebook pages.

Henry bent down and picked up the pipe. 'This is a lot like the pipe that Walter carries around . . .' He scowled, and the screen narrowed around his eyes. He stood and shook his fist. 'I will avenge my father!' Then a look of confusion passed over his face. Shrugging, he read one of the notebook pages.

I'm at the school, dumbass, it said.

'Isn't this Cheryl's notebook? Hmm . . . she's at the school . . .' He picked up the next note and looked at it intently.

It had a drawing of a penis on it.

'That's just not right for a seven year old . . .' Henry commented. 'Okay . . . hang on Cheryl, I'm coming for you . . . and I'm gonna beat your ass for this drawing!'

With that, a very determined Henry took off down the alley, ready to face any challenge that met him . . . or so he thought . . .

To be Continued . . .

E.F.: Okaaaaaaaaaay . . . Quarity Time Wiff Rickard Bwainfart.

Richard: AWW YEEAAH!

Amarant: Please never do that again.

Richard: . . . no.

Amarant: Dick.

Richard: That's the name.

E.F.: Okay, we have to actually answer questions, guys. First is a question from least illuminated celestial object in our universe: Darkcomet. He asks: Do you remember me? If Chicago is north and Texas is south, what are you eating for lunch?

Richard: Of course I remember you, dartigen. I never forget a face.

Amarant: Darkcomet.

Richard: Whatever. As for the other part of your question, if Chicago was north and Texas was south, the planets would be in a consistent state of alignment, thus opening a temporal wormhole into another dimension, allowing me to find the rare delicacy known as 'ng'. Thus I would put ng on a sandwich and eat that for breakfast. Lunch would be the leftovers.

Amarant: That made no goddamn sense.

Richard: Does anything with Nameless in it?

Amarant: True.

Richard: Next

E.F.: Randall-Flagg89 asks "Richard, what do you do with your free time in between hiatuses?"

Richard: Well, let's see . . . the hiatus between the first parody and the second, I was in the middle of fighting the Illuminati, some weird organization bent on world domination.

Amarant: You weren't in the first parody . . .

Richard: Oh Amarant, if only you knew . . . anyway, between the second and third I crashed with the gang and got accustomed to my new ghostly appearance. I tell you, there is no end to the fun a man can get by pulling pranks on chicks. They get so mad! And I'm a ghost that can TELEPORT! What can I not do?

Amarant: Have sex.

Richard: . . . besides that.

Amarant: I can't think of anything.

Richard: Right! Well, to finish this up, between the third and fourth, I started to work on a secret project of mine. I cannot reveal the nature of it to anyone, but it will BLOW YOUR MIND WHEN I FINISH!

Amarant: I'm helping him with it. It's not that cool.

Richard: Is too!

Amarant: Is not.

Richard: IS TOO!

Amarant: Nope.

Richard: We'll leave that up to the viewers.

E.F.: Well that was interesting. Anyway, the end. Ahem. Thank you for tuning in to the Nameless Parody 4. I'd apologise for how long it took to write this, but deep down you expected it, and we all know I'm a lazy bastard! Chapter Three will be up soon! Lol, just joking. Your grandchildren will live to read it though!