No One Will Ever See This Side Reflected

Go for the jugular, cut the vein
And kiss it away, kiss it away, kiss it away
Everything that brings me pain

-Black Light Burns, 4 Walls

"Jonathan? Can I talk to you?" Jenny asked.

He looked up. "Of course." He paused. "What about?"

"About why you… why…" She sighed. "Your past, I guess."

"Oh, you don't want to hear about that. It's quite unpleasant," he replied.

"I know. That's why I want to know."

"Because you want to know what you're getting into?" he asked.

She frowned. "Well, yes. I wonder how well I know you at all."

He shrugged. "You know Jonathan quite well. But, sadly, he's not the only one here," he said, tapping his head.

She took his hand. "I want to know everyone in there."

"No, you really don't," he insisted.

"Yes, I do. I want to know, if only so I can recognize who's addressing me. So I know whether to believe him or not," she replied.

He studied her for a moment. She looked at him earnestly. "I suppose I might explain some things. But some things are not explainable," he warned her.

"I understand."

He nodded slowly. "Well, I grew up with my mother. My father was suffering from acute depression when I was about five. He committed suicide, jumped off the bridge. But Mom took good care of me, even though she had to work a great deal. I was a serious child, due to the trauma of death at such a young age." He paused. "I'm sorry, I sound like my own psychiatrist."

"That's okay," she said with a smile. "I like it."

He smiled, then continued. "Well, I studied quite a bit. I was always reading. I suppose escapism was very tempting. I would have been at the top of my class, had I participated more. But they were behind me, and Mom was too busy to be one of those parents who goes and makes sure their child is being properly challenged."

"What did she do?"

"She… I'm not sure all of what she did. I know she worked at some sort of restaurant, as a waitress. I seem to recall her doing some custodial work at the science labs at Gotham University. I went with her from time to time. It was what first got me interested in science."

He paused. "I've skipped some parts, I'm afraid. When my father killed himself, he left behind an unexpected sum of money. Mom was aware that I was smart, and not challenged enough in school. She sent me to a nice private school on the edge of town. I hated it there," he sighed. "The children knew I was not one of them, and mocked me mercilessly. That's when it started, I suppose."

"When what started?"

"Scarecrow. Where he began. Are you sure you want to hear about that?"

She nodded. "I want to hear everything you're willing to tell me."

"Well, alright. I didn't name him then, of course. Not until much later. Not that I ever named him," he added thoughtfully. "He introduced himself, I suppose. But that's when the thoughts started coming that I couldn't suppress. That I didn't want to suppress," he amended.

He was silent a moment, lost in thought. "What sort of thoughts?" Jenny asked at last.

"Cruel, sadistic thoughts. I hated those rich kids for looking down on me. They knew I was only there because my father killed himself. They told me that frequently. I wanted them to feel the same pain and fear I did."

"Fear?" she asked, surprised. "Why did his death cause fear?"

"Irrationality of childhood, mostly. I didn't understand why he would do that, and I had no idea what would cause someone else to want to end his life. I was in terror that my mother would follow suit," he explained.

"Did she love you?" Jenny asked, looking wistful.

Surprised, Jonathan nodded. "Very much. She sacrificed a lot for me."

"Where is she now?"

"I… I don't know. She remarried while I was in college. We… we had a fight, and I haven't spoken to her since." He sighed heavily. "I'm certain she wouldn't want to hear from me now."

Jenny took his hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sure she still loves you."

He shrugged. "I can't see why she would."

"She's family. Family is supposed to love you no matter what you do," she said with surprising vehemence.

He looked at her. "Did yours?"

She looked away from his piercing gaze. "Kind of."

He raised an eyebrow. She said nothing. "Care to elaborate?"

She sighed. "Well, if they didn't love me, it wasn't because of something I did. It was just because I existed. But I suppose they would have loved me as unconditionally as they ignored me."

"How did they ignore you?" he inquired gently.

"When I was twelve, my parents moved my brother and I into an apartment. Then, they traveled around. Father was a reporter, so they made their money while they went, I guess. They wrote from time to time until I was sixteen. I haven't heard from them since."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Yeah, well, it happens. But I've interrupted you. Please continue."

He nodded slowly. "Well, the money ran out when I was about to go into middle school. It was more expensive, I suppose, so Mom thought it was a good time for me to go to school more near our apartment. She realized I didn't have any friends, and probably thought I could have more if we lived nearby where I went to school.

"She was wrong. It only made things worse. Now the bullies from school could follow me home," he said bitterly.

"Were there always bullies?" she asked.

"Yes. I was, am, not particularly imposing," he replied. "I grew too fast, so they mocked me for being overly tall and thin. They called me Scarecrow. Thus, the monster had a name.

"I don't know when it became his name. I've had him with me, though not separate from me, since I was in early elementary school. He frightened me with his stories of what I might do to people, so they would not tease me. So they would fear me.

"I was frightened all the time. We didn't live in a good part of town, and the other boys from school had it in for me. I believe they were frightened of me. Scarecrow had me believing it, anyway. He feeds on fear; makes him powerful. But, fear or not, they were merciless in their torment. I couldn't escape it. The older I got, the more they beat me, whenever given the chance."

"How terrible," Jenny said softly, holding his hand with both of hers.

"Yes, I suppose it was. But I told myself it didn't matter. One day I would be stronger than them, and then I could make them pay. Scarecrow was gaining control. He kept gaining, all through college. I studied psychiatry, initially with the thought of helping others like myself, to get through trauma. But he twisted it. I delved more deeply into fear, and how powerful it was on the mind. I studied pharmacology to further understand how drugs could adversely affect how you thought. He was deciding my life."

"What made you change? Or does he still?" she asked.

"My mother. I fought with her more and more as she considered getting married. Scarecrow influenced me to fight, because it gave him more power. He feeds off distress. Finally, things got so bad, that she told me she didn't want to see me again. Not until I had dealt with these issues, she said.

"I realized there was a strong part of me that had not wanted to see her happy, that had wanted to see her suffer. I resisted that, and he broke away from me. I don't know what I called him in the beginning." He paused, then smiled grimly. "Oh, yes. I called him Mr. Hyde."

She smiled, equally grim. "How clever."

He shrugged. "I couldn't control him. I wanted to. I wanted to keep this need of hurting people away. But, instead, I had to sate it periodically to continue with normal life. Not that it was really normal. I was always alone. I studied all the time, more and more obscure ways of influencing people and… and hurting them.

"I was student teaching in graduate school, when one day a man came in a gave me a package. I had never seen him before, though he came and delivered many more afterwards. Inside, there was a blue flower, and a note that described its history and uses. It could be used as a hallucinogen, usually showing a person what they feared most. It was used in the East to help a person overcome fear. The note also said that it seemed to be something I would have great interest in, and to do what I could with it."

"Ra's gave it to you," Jenny said.

"Yes. Though I didn't meet him for a long time. I experimented with the flower, creating various drugs that would put a great fear in a person. It wasn't until it was an inhalant that it had the greatest power over the brain. I studied it through the rest of school, and managed to find a position at Arkham. Thanks to Ra's influence, I soon became the head director." He sighed. "And I suppose you can fill in the rest."

"You experimented on the inmates, perfecting the poison. And you sold the formula to Ra's in exchange for a cut of the ransom on the city. But when did you discover his true plan?"

"Not until very recently. But it was already underway. I couldn't do anything to stop it. There was nothing I could do," he said helplessly. "Not with this monster in my head who wanted nothing more than that. He gained power, and I experimented more and more often. He needed their screams, and I was too weak to deny him. I suppose I didn't try very hard, though. I hated the city, thinking it as evil as Ra's claims, and in as much need of being destroyed."

"You think differently now?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes. There are good people here. Not many, but perhaps they will gain power. And, if not, they won't last much longer. I can wait until then," he said gravely.

"What good people do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, you being the main one I know," he smiled.

She laughed, and put her arms around him. "Thanks. No one's ever called me that before."

He stroked her hair gently. "I love you."

"I love you too."