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Note: I guess I'm done with four chapters, and I kind of like where this is headed. Hope you guys, too! Do read and review, and maybe we can chat?

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Meyer, as known.

Chapter one: Subtleties
December 24th 2005

I almost don't go out this year after what happened last year, but Jess pulls me out of my dorm room last minute without listening to my protests. "Trust me, Larry's is fucking awesome. You've got to check it out."

"We went last week." I remind her. "I tried the scotch and that's the reason you have one less sweater in your closet."

She looks sideways at me as we step out of campus, the trees swinging off bits of snow as we walk past them, as if they were alive. "Yeah, thanks for the memories, Swan. Just... trust me, alright?"

"Why bring me, Jess?"

"Because," she halts in front of me, her form determined. "It's tradition! We're the only girls in EC,"

"There's Angela, too."

"Fine, we're the cool ones, the ones who know how to get a party started. Please, don't ditch me in the holidays. You know I can't go home, and God knows, you don't want to."

I don't. She isn't wrong about that. "Alright."

"Thank you. See? Traditions are awesome." She leads us onto the dark streets, white with snow, cold as ice. I don't bother telling her that traditions take time, mostly generations, but she isn't wrong. It isn't nice to be alone during the holidays, even in a dorm.

"You are not allowed to leave my side this year." Jess tells me as we get into Larry's, around eleven, I note. And it is nice. There's Christmas decorations and rock music in the air, very unlike how it usually is. "Tradition or not, I will freak if I see some douche-bag stroking your hair at midnight while you're passed out."

I want to roll my eyes, but Jess has a flair for the dramatic, and I can't say her rant is very unlike her dramatic self. Seriously, like, if you've got things you want to take up with the world, I'd suggest you find someone else to argue with, because Jessica will rip your sanity to shreds. And am I glad we're not friends like last year anymore. We went our separate ways, thank every snowflake, and this is practically the third time I'm seeing her this year, counting the one going back to new year's eve.

I shiver thinking about the last of her sentence, though, and that makes me realize how stupid I was. "Never again." I promise her. "When's Ben getting here?"

"In sometime. Mike's coming, too."

I roll my eyes now. "Of course."

"Oh don't roll your eyes. He's not that big an ass."

I don't comment, and we part ways when she tells me she needs to use the ladies room. And I keep my promise. This time the pub's playing country music, and the bar is overcrowded so I head over to the side and wait, pulling out my pager to make sure I haven't missed Charlie's call. Nope, he hasn't called. Sighing, I look up and find the room lit with the same green lights, now twined with red flakes as well, dancing around the room, making me feel like a cat running after a red dot.

"Bella?"

I'm sincerely hoping that isn't someone from class. I mean, I know there isn't any way I could tolerate Jess but someone from class?

"Hey," I reply, and I don't really see his face as much as I do hers. She's pretty, whoever she is, dangling off of his arm. "Uh..."

"Oh, you don't remember me? Old alcoholic junkie dude?"

A flash. "Masen?"

"You remember me after all." His eyes burst with concern. "How're you doing?"

Why is there concern in his eyes? God, what did we talk about? What'd I tell him? "I'm doing well. How're you?"

"Good, good. Uh, this is Rose, my sister."

"Hi."

She doesn't respond; just nods and smiles primly. I remember something vaguely about his family, but all that's gone now. I seem to have repressed everything about last year, and the months following it, into a small black box, unwilling to open it, especially during the holidays.

"And Jasper was right here, but he isn't. That's my brother. And where the hell did Tanya run off to?"

Rose looks around. "The washroom I guess. I'll look."

Masen doesn't nod, but they exchange some sort of gesture that implies that he'll be here, with me, which is disconcerting because I'm wishing how much I'd rather be alone right now. He smells like trees, and something else I can't quite place. He's warm and nice looking, his hair in complete disarray. It's kind of... familiar.

I roll my eyes inwardly. Familiar. Huh.

"What're you doing here?"

I stop trying to judge him with all my might and focus on his question instead of his crooked nose and where it came from. "Came with some friends. What about you?"

Red strips of decoration catches my eye and I look around at the mistletoe slyly tucked into every other corner, at the tree by the entrance, at the bar decked up like Santa's halls, suddenly very aware and very amazed that this is Larry's the pub, the same Larry's I got wasted in last year. If it looked like this last year, I'd have thought twice, because it almost looks like someone's hallways, like someone actually lives here. "Oh I'm supposed to be meeting my girlfriend and her brother." He tells me, looking around, probably wondering what I'm doing. "We decided to come here."

I nod, wondering why the heck I don't have a boyfriend situation so this session of small talk isn't so awkward, because mentioning Jess would be a waste of time, and I know it.

"How's Renee? And Charlie?"

My eyebrows rise minutely. "They're... okay. Man, what did I tell you?"

He laughs, soft, easy, and confident. I hate him all over; from those magnificent eyes to his skin to the stubble he has growing to the girlfriend he has that I haven't even met yet. Damn his perfect life. Damn it all back to wherever he's from. I think I didn't particularly like him back then either, but I'm not sure right now. If only I didn't drink so much that I practically drowned in potato slush. "If it helps matters, I haven't repeated it to a soul."

"You don't know me or where I go. How does that matter?"

His eyes brighten. "You go to GWU. My sister goes there. She's graduating this year."

"Rose?"

"No, Alice."

My eyes sparkle. "Alice Cullen? Short, pixie hair, loud personality?"

He laughs again. "Yes, that's her. Boy, you are quick with names."

"We spoke once about ongoing research on electronic devices and its repercussions on the economy. We ended up on a debate team together. That was way back in my first semester, though. She probably doesn't remember me."

"Well, we could find out. She'll be here tonight."

I nod, but I don't say more.

"You're not as chatty as last year." He moves into the bar, pushing past the red of the crowd. "What are you having?"

"A long island, thanks."

"Oh, too many of those and we'll be reliving some good times." He leans toward me, and then dips into my hair, my ears and whispers, "I'll keep the fact that you're underage to myself." He doesn't wink or smirk as he says it, but something about what he says makes me wonder if it was really a good time, and if I even told him how old I was or if he just knew. Because he seems like that kind of guy, the guy who knows things, the guy who's on to everyone's business, just because people trust him.

"How'd you know I'm underage?" Why wonder forever? If there's one thing I've learnt in this past year, it's to make sure your doubts are cleared, and quick. I mean, know I look young, but everyone does nowadays.

He shrugs before turning back to the bartender. "You told me."

Once he's told the bartender where to find us with some alcohol, and right now I can't remember what I asked for, he lures me into a talk about his life this year, which is enunciated with many silences, and I realize I have no idea where everybody is.

Looking around, I voice out my fears. "I thought Jess went to the washroom. She's been gone long."

He shrugs something out of a coat. A cigarette. Figures. Holding it in one hand, he shoves deep into his coat again, probably for a light. "She's always gone. Your taste in people makes me fearful."

I look up in defiance. "We're not friends. She's... company."

"Like I am?"

I don't answer. God, he is a brute. "I'll get out of your way." So there isn't any more of this soul searching thing we're doing, I want to continue to tell him. So you don't know me and I don't know you.

He lights his cigarette and breathes. "I'd love it if you stuck around. We're right over there."

So that's how I found myself at the table I was at, the Cullens' table. Boy, were they a happening bunch.

And Masen's girlfriend. If I thought Rose was hot, then Tanya was another thing altogether. Hot, sexy, mother numbingly sensual... she was every guy's wet dream. But Jasper didn't seem interested in getting to know Masen's girlfriend, because they were meeting for the first time. I knew as much. Rose was chatting up some guy, who I later found out was Tanya's brother, Emmett, and I was just quietly moseying along with my business, drinking through a straw I now put a hole in, thanks to all the nervous chewing, until Jasper turned to me and smiled.

"What do you do, Bella?" he asked me as I surveyed the crowd for any sign of Ben, Mike, Angela or even Jess. Even Alice. A familiar face would've been nice, but I guess familiar faces aren't for me. Not this time of the year. Not since I can't go home, for obvious reasons, and my parents have no understanding why.

"I'm an engineer, majoring in electronics and communication. You?"

"Assistant professor specializing in the linguistics department at U Penn. Are you studying at GWU?"

I nod, not knowing what to ask, if I even cared. "Yeah. Oh. Wow. You guys are old."

He laughs. "Not that old, I promise you." He pauses, drinks a sip of his beer and swallows. "How do you know Masen?"

For some reason I think that name does not suit him, as I look over at him across the table, his hands wrapped into Tanya's, his hair the colour of every leaf in the autumn season, his personality radiating some name, a name that definitely does not fit a Masen. His face is familiar, but for some reason I rejected his name. I rejected everything about him. "We met here last year."

"At the pub? That's got to have been rough."

"Why's that?"

"Oh, our parents split up last year, decidedly on Christmas eve, and I couldn't find him for hours. Alice was so worried."

Oh. I don't... "I didn't know."

"Well, I didn't think he'd say anything. Masen's not the kind of guy to talk about his feelings."

He doesn't say it bitterly, just like it was a fact. I think I get it. I nod. "I guess that explains why he was here as long as he was. My friend Jess told me I passed out and he helped her get me back to campus."

"You're very pretty, though. You and Masen didn't date?"

I feel appalled at the suggestion. "No! He's like a whole decade older than me."

This catches Masen's attention, from somewhere that feels like across the universe, and his voice booms, "You fucking swine, I told you I was twenty four! Stop making me your grandfather, Jingle Bells!"

Jingle bells? What?

"That's a nice nickname for Bella." Alice. I'd know her anywhere. That ringing voice, that small pixie face, even in the pale winter night, even in this pub, her eyes easy and knowing, and her smile perky yet gentle. "Well thought out."

"Thy fingers make early flowers of all things."

Alice groans, along with the rest of the table, when one thing sits in. "You recite poetry. I remember this." I feel like a child on Christmas morning, grateful for some recollection of the few moments we spent together this time, a year ago. "You don't write it though."

"No," he confirms, with Tanya's eyes swooning all over his right profile, but his eyes on something behind me. "I don't."

"Well, it's bad enough that he's only studying it, and not writing it. Imagine our plight then." Jasper mocks him, making me smile, before someone's hands are over my eyes, clammy ones, ones that I know from before.

"Mike." I mutter, suddenly not too excited about leaving the table.

"Bella," his voice is happy, but something about him is reserved. "We're all here. Ready to kick start the night?"

I groan inwardly while moving to stand, and Jasper moves to help me almost immediately.

"Why don't you stay?"

That's Masen's voice again, all familiar, even if I have no idea what the man is made of, and while I was tempted to think about his offer, Tanya did not like that idea, not in the least. Her biting look makes me want to bite her head off, but she's none of my business, and neither is Masen. We've met twice in a year, and he's not even company. She's nothing, and he's nothing. I think I tell myself that so I can walk away without any scars. Confrontation has never been my strongest suit. I shake my head. "Maybe another time."

"Maybe next year, huh? Make it a tradition and all that."

I laugh. Yeah, right. "Merry Christmas, Masen."

"Merry Christmas, Bella."

And all the way to my table I wanted to look back, while Mike talks my ear off, so I do. Just once, though, and I see a bunch of people sitting at a table almost as if around a small space empty, a space where I sat, and moving on with that space as it were, without disturbing it, without moving to fill it, but just moving. Soft music fills the air and I realize how different this year is from last year, how the agony and despair only dulled into loneliness. I could see them chattering, I could see them together, fluidly, moving toward the new year without my filling the spaces that were left by them. So when Masen moves to kiss Tanya, and their lips attach, I dismiss the thought of going back to fill that space.

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