A/N: Thank you so much for your interest in this story – no matter whether you reviewed or added the story to your alerts or favorites. Well, I have to admit, reviews motivate me the most for the obvious reason that there is an interaction with my readers and that I get to know what you think about the story. Therefore – please keep on reading & reviewing. Thank you!
This chapter ended up much more sad and complicated than I originally had planned, but that's how it sometimes happens with these characters. Hotch and Emily are very stubborn, believe me... Hope you'll enjoy it, anyway.
Disclaimer: I own the storyline for this fan fiction. Aside from this, CBS owns everything else regarding Criminal Minds.
Wednesday (after the explosion)
Time has lost its meaning. Emily is drifting in and out of consciousness. She starts to feel cold and knows this is a bad sign, knows she has to stay awake to increase her chance of survival. However, she can't control her thoughts, providing her with random memories, and soon the tiredness threatens to pull her down into the abyss of another blackout.
Desperately, she tries to cling to the one memory that helps her to stay awake. She has given up on the effort to free herself, has accepted that she won't be able to move because the ceiling came down and buried her. Therefore, if she isn't able to control her body, she will be damned if she doesn't manage to control her mind.
And suddenly, there it is. The one memory that dispels the tiredness. It is fresh and bittersweet, but at least it helps her to escape unconsciousness. Who would have thought that thinking about her reencounter with Hotch would serve the purpose to keep her alive.
Monday (flashback)
Emily wanted to pick up Hotch at the airport, but the meeting took longer than expected. Hence, they agreed to meet for coffee later in the day at a café nearby her office.
When she arrives, he is already there. She can see him sitting at a table, and her heart skips a beat. It is weird, meeting him like this, even if it should feel normal because they are not colleagues anymore. But they have never met outside of work before. Not the two of them alone. It would have been inappropriate, and somehow, it still feels that way.
Hotch spots her and stands up to greet Emily when she approaches the table. There is a brief, odd moment of unease. Emily almost expects Hotch to embrace her, his body leaning toward her, but then the moment is over, and they merely shake hands.
Fortunately, they find their way into a conversation rather easily. Hotch asks about the new job, and Emily gladly tells him about it. After that, he freely offers news on his son, the team and the work at the BAU. Emily slowly relaxes. It feels nearly silly that she expected reproaches or at least that he would make their first reencounter more difficult for her. Despite their personal conversation before she left the BAU and the fact that she didn't come back from London to talk the job offer through with him, Hotch apparently doesn't seem to feel the need to vent his displeasure. And why should he? They had one personal conversation. One. A moment of closeness that doesn't mean anything all things considered.
Therefore, it seems to be safe to ask the question that has been bothering her the entire time, "So, what brings you here?"
And there it is. Totally unexpected after the positive turn their talk has taken, relaxed and all. Hotch tenses. Imperceptibly, but Emily notices it, anyway. Within seconds, the eased atmosphere is gone.
Hotch obviously weighs his words before he answers, "You."
No business meeting, no old friend from school. Emily's thoughts are racing. Her former unit chief took an intercontinental flight to Europe just to meet her.
She realizes that she is staring at him and that he is looking at her, waiting for a response, but she has nothing to offer. Beforehand, she prepared some persuasive arguments why she took the job, why she decided to stay, why it all happened the way it did. This requires a more rational approach though. Even if Emily gave it a second thought that Hotch might address the issue that she didn't discuss the job offer with him before she took it, she never expected him to address the much more personal and so far unspoken and unresolved issue what this is between them. Let alone that openly. He came here for her. What is she supposed to say? How is she supposed to react?
Hotch is still waiting for an answer and lets her see it all in his face – sadness, disappointment, some anger even. They are both profilers. He could hide all this easily from her at least to a certain extent. They know each other well. Therefore, his body language probably would give away one or two things. What he does, though, is intent. He wants her to know how much the whole situation gets to him.
Emily leans back and exhales, noticing at the same time that this is her tell and that he knows it. Despite the tense situation, a smile flits across Hotch's face.
"I don't know what to say," she eventually admits. Well, he for sure already figured that out. The silence between them is starting to get uncomfortable, and she knows that she has to come up with something else. If only it wasn't so difficult to phrase her feelings. Because this is what it is about. Feelings. Hotch knew what she did and most likely understands rationally why she did it. He just can't accept it emotionally. And this is a scenario she didn't expect to take place. Never in a million years.
Or perhaps you did expect it, her nagging inner voice tells her. And you repressed it because now the decision is up to you.
"I'm sorry," Emily says – basically to interrupt the silence but also because these words are the only ones in her head momentarily. She's sorry, and she doesn't exactly know about what. Emily tries to explain it, anyway, "I know we had a deal, and I broke it. It felt... right to do it when I took the job, but please don't think that I forgot our discussion before I left or that I don't wish things would have happened differently."
Hotch studies her for a moment and then responds very calmly, "If you really wished that, you would have come back to talk to me before you took the job."
He is controlled, as usual, but his eyes give his inner turmoil away. His pupils are almost black. She has never seen him that angry and can't help but stare at him stunned because this anger, this deep emotion, is directed solely at her. Are they really having this conversation? This is Hotch. Her boss. Well, her former boss. It is still difficult for her, though, to think of him as anyone else than her unit chief. And he is practically accusing her of... ditching him even if they never even came close to having that kind of relationship.
She knows she should be flattered and happy because he finally gathered the courage to address what had been under the surface much too long, but all she feels is pressure. As if he caught her off-guard on purpose and is driving her into a corner. As if she is supposed to be the one to take the blame. Once more. And this is a part she doesn't plan to enact in her life ever again. For crying out loud, it's one of the reasons she left the BAU and came here.
Emily remembers why she took the job, how she realized that it was a chance too good to let it pass by, how she pondered on the rest of the team and Hotch having their own lives. She calms down inside, feels the pressure retreat. There is nothing she is guilty of.
"I know I said we would talk before I took the job," she states composed, "but sometimes there are chances in life that are too good to let them slip away, and this job, this life here, is one of them. It didn't feel as if my absence would leave that much of a void."
Only when she sees how he flinches, she realizes that it is not true. Of course not. Her absence left a void. Hotch misses her. That's why he is here. She misses him, too, but she never actually allowed herself to feel it until now. The urge to reach out and touch him, reassure him that she never meant to hurt him, is almost overwhelming.
The air between them is thick with unspoken emotions and rejected feelings. What started out as a meeting between former colleagues has turned into kind of a lover's quarrel.
"How could you believe that your absence wouldn't leave a void?" Hotch hoarsely says without looking at her. He is not simply hurt; he is suffering deeply. Who would have thought that all it took to bring his feelings to the surface was for her to leave?
Emily doesn't want to fight back anymore. There is a difference between defending yourself and deliberately causing someone else pain. All that's left is confusion and exhaustion. She wishes she could have prepared better for this. Despite her well-known flirting skills and her age, she is an amateur when it comes to real feelings and long-term commitments. How could this whole situation get so muddled? At least, she decides, she owes him honesty.
"You and the team, you are all settled one way or another while I... I'm still floating, looking for my safe haven." Emily registers Hotch looking at her out of the corner of her eye. She didn't intend to expose her most intimate feelings, but somehow the confession slipped out, and she is astounded that it feels right to tell him this.
"We are all looking for this, Emily," Hotch responds, and it is the first time that he uses her first name. Somehow, he managed to avoid it so far. Given the fact that he rarely called her by her first name as her unit chief, it still makes her shiver. "Don't think that I'm not." There is no anger anymore in his eyes or voice. Instead, he seems to share the confusion and exhaustion she is feeling.
"What about Beth?" Originally, she didn't want to ask him about her, but the rules seem to have changed in some way.
"I ended it right after we had talked," he lets her know. Of course. She should have expected that. Hotch isn't the type of man who continues to date a woman while he is developing feelings for another. A woman. For another. Emily realizes what she is doing. She is rationalizing the whole situation to get a grip on it. The fact remains, though, that Hotch left Beth for her right after she flew to London. That was weeks ago. And he didn't tell her about it.
"Why...," Emily starts to ask the obvious but stops when she becomes aware that she already knows the answer.
He stuck to his part of the deal. They never talked about him leaving Beth, but during their between-the-lines-discussion before she left the suggestion was there that he would leave Beth if she stayed and didn't move to London. Apparently, he expected to convince her not to take the job offer and didn't doubt that she would stick to her part of the deal – namely coming back to talk to him. That's why he didn't tell her on the phone that he had broken up with Beth. He wanted to tell her in person when she came back to talk about the job offer. Save that she never gave him the chance to talk to her about it. Bottom line – Hotch didn't break their deal. She did. And right now, quibble or not, it feels as if she broke a promise. The promise of what could have been between them. The mere thought that she threw that away unknowingly almost causes Emily to hyperventilate.
"I'm..." The feelings threaten to overwhelm her; there is a lump in her throat, and she barely manages to get the words out, "I'm so sorry... I didn't know... I should have..." Emily is stumbling, searching for the right thing to say when it feels as if there is nothing she can say that will put this right. There is a contract with her name on it. She can't just leave with Hotch. And he can't just take his son and move here. There are always options, but by signing the contract she made it all much more complicated. Let alone the implication that she didn't care enough about him to simply talk to him before she did it. Misunderstanding or not.
He reaches out and brushes her arm to reassure her. The gesture meant as a sign that he accepts her apology. His empty, disappointed gaze tells her at the same time, though, that it is futile. What could have been once seems to be lost now. Bad timing. The story of their lives.
"Well, I guess we are both still floating, looking for our safe haven," he eventually says, his voice deadly monotonous.
While Emily is frantically thinking of something, anything, to say, Hotch looks at his watch, "Even if I came here to see you, I'm meeting a friend later and have to go back to my hotel to get some things."
His abrupt announcement to end their reencounter confuses her even more. He may be disappointed and angry because he expected another run of events, but he barely gave her the chance to stomach what he told her, let alone react to it. Why bother to fly to Europe and meet her and then give up just like that?
This is not happening, she thinks. If this is supposed to be their last goodbye, it feels even worse than their previous ones, worse than disappearing to hunt up Ian Doyle or faking her death because there was no other choice, worse than leaving the BAU because there was the prospect that she might come back.
They pay the bill and leave the café surrounded by an awkward silence. Hotch's hotel is in the opposite direction. When he stretches out his hand to see her off, Emily doesn't take it. This was meant to be a reunion and not a farewell.
"No," she shakes her head and steps back. "This is not how this will end. We have to meet again. How long do you stay? Are you still here tomorrow?" Now, that she finally woke up from her emotional stupor and decided that she won't allow whatever it still is between them to end like this, she is determined, almost barraging him with questions.
"Emily..." Hotch's face is a mask of controlled pain. "I don't think..."
She doesn't let him finish the sentence, stepping closer again so that their bodies are practically touching, acting so quickly that he has no time to step back, and she has no time to doubt her sudden bravery.
"Then don't think," she whispers, standing so close that her lips are almost brushing his.
For the split of a second, she thinks that he will kiss her or push her away or maybe both, but he does none of this. Instead, he just nods before he turns around and walks away.
Emily stands still for a while, watching him as he walks down the street with tense shoulders and a rigid posture. He may be mad at her for taking the job and disappointed that she messed things up in a way, but she felt how he held his breath when she was close to him.
Not all is lost. There is still hope. There has to be.
Each review (long or short, praise or constructive criticism) is very appreciated.
Next chapter: More flashbacks when Hotch and Emily meet again on Tuesday.