~Letters to Otou-san~
-Stripped of freedom-
Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host club
Otou-san,
Japan is nostalgic.
It reminds of the times we used to come here.
When I was small, mum was happy and you were…
Alive.
But I'm not too sure anymore, let me start from the beginning whilst I'm at it, I suppose.
So I guess I did write you a second letter, otou-san, I just felt like it.
I started school today, none the less.
Once we got off the plane we got a cab to aunt Viv's little Japanese apartment ( To which I was shocked she even had one).
It was run down and smelt of smoke, which suggests mum never gave any of our wealth to a certain aunt.
It was about seven in the morning by that time, so aunt Viv shoved a bundle of yellow clothing in my direction and practically pushed me into the bathroom.
Mum said nothing, of course.
The bundle of yellow clothing turned out to be Ouran's female uniform.
Clothes never bothered me much, so I won't say I loved it or hated it.
Once I had slipped it on, I looked myself over in the bathroom mirror.
I'm still the same otou-san,
Still the same Nami Shinohara.
Still fifteen.
Still average height, average grades and orange eyes.
My hair is now completely white. I'm not sure how otou-san, considering I used to have brown hair like you.
My care worker said it was due to the shock of your…passing.
But aunt Viv says it's because of the drugs she's certain I'm taking.
I can't say I haven't experimented with stuff you wouldn't have been proud of otou-san.
But there was a period of time otou-san, when mum had stopped talking or caring, when my friends abandoned me and aunt Viv took over, that life really didn't feel worth living.
I didn't cut myself,
Or write suicide notes.
They were all far too troublesome.
I'm not really sure what I did, it was like a sort of mental space barrier that I built around myself, even though I've tried to overcome it, its foundations still remain solid.
I left the bathroom quickly and walked into kitchen where mum was making some tea.
"Goodbye mum," I said.
She didn't respond, but she stopped pouring her tea and her fists clenched.
"Sorry to bother you," I turned to walk out of the kitchen and closed the door behind me.
I could have sworn I could hear muffled cries, but I wasn't too sure.
Aunt Viv was waiting at the door.
Her straw like blonde hair in a ponytail, with her natural white hair poking out at the roots. Her lips were pouted, with a cigarette sticking out in between them.
" 'Bout time!" She complained and opened the front door.
The car ride was silent.
More metaphorically than literally, as aunt Viv had put the radio up on such a high volume I couldn't even hear myself think.
I made a mental note of the route we took so I could walk to school next time.
I had to catch my breath when we arrived.
I didn't know much about architecture otou-san, but the school was beautiful.
"Get out," Aunt Viv demanded, so I grunted and got out of her car, slamming the door behind me.
Aunt Viv didn't encourage me everything was going to be okay or even tell me where to go.
No, she just sped off down the road leaving me alone outside of the breathtaking building.
"Hey! You alright sweetheart?" A voice called out to me in Japanese.
I turned around to see a girl with long red hair, blue eyes, wearing the girl's school uniform and a face full of makeup.
"I wish," I replied, in Japanese.
"You wouldn't happen to be new would ya?" She asked moving closer to me.
"It would appear," I responded
"Well I'm Conah! Nice to meet ya!" she hugged me tightly.
"H-Hello I guess." I stated, not liking the sudden interaction.
I bet you're laughing up there otou-san, at me and my awkward situations.
Conah dragged me into the school building, chattering nonstop about her life and such.
This is what I have learnt about her, otou-san:
She is fifteen as well
She is the niece of a famous photographer
She gives flirty looks to any boy we pass
She is in love with some Yankee guy called Kasanoda
She wants to be a movie director so she can shout abuse at celebrities
…She says I'm her best friend
"Excuse me miss, this is Nami-Chan! We need her class schedule," Conah told the lady at the office.
Nami-Chan? We've only known each over for five minutes!
The lady at the office handed Conah a sheet of paper, which she then handed to me.
"Well I gotta run sweetheart! But I'm sure you'll find your way round," She blew me a kiss and skipped along on her way to class.
What a weirdo, otou-san.
School that day was a blur.
I didn't see Conah again, but I managed to locate my way to all the lessons and the work wasn't too hard.
At break and lunch I sat by myself and ate next to a fountain which had a statue of a kid taking a piss.
At the end of the day Aunt Viv wasn't there to pick me up, as I had earlier assumed, so I wondered around the streets trying to remember my way home.
After about an hour of pointless roaming I found aunt Viv's rundown apartment and rang the doorbell.
To my surprise, it was mum who opened the door, otou-san!
But something was off.
Her eyes were red and puffy and she was sniffling and shaking.
"M-Mum? Are you alright?"
Suddenly my mum burst into tears and ran to her bedroom suddenly.
Aunt Viv walked up to me and rolled her eyes.
"Stupid, sensitive woman." She shook her head and lit a cigarette.
"What's going on?" I demanded.
"Don't shout at me child! Lord, I'll celebrate when your finally out 'a here!"
"Huh?" I was taken aback by her words.
"Well she was supposed to tell you," she jerked her thumb in the direction of mum's bedroom.
"But I might as well be the one to break the news," She blew out a puff of smoke.
"What news?" I said, panicking slightly.
Aunt Viv smirked.
Be prepared, otou-san, because you are not going to like what comes next.
…
"You're engaged."
I could feel it then, otou-san.
It was like chains had engulfed my whole body.
I was trapped.
I was stripped of freedom.
Hearing aunt Viv snicker at my reaction was like the lock that bound all these chains together.
I couldn't talk, or scream or cry.
I was stuck and scared.
"Why are you so shocked? You should know that you're only a burden to your mum and there's just a limited amount I can do. Marrying you off will take the weight off your mum's shoulders."
Aunt Viv took the cigarette out of her mouth and started to walk off.
"I refuse!" I shouted so loudly that the whole street could probably hear.
Aunt Viv winced at my tone, walked up to me and slapped me around the face.
"You selfish girl! If you loved your mother you would do this for her!"
I looked away from her and clutched my cheek instinctively but shed no tears. "If that's so, the why was she crying?"
Grabbing my face so I was looking at her, aunt Viv stated, "That woman doesn't know what's good for her anymore, and it's because of that stupid father of yours!"
I couldn't help but let the tears flow now.
"Shut up!" I screamed.
"The only reason we moved to this bloody country was so that I could dump you with his parents but it turns out they're already pushing daises along with your wretched daddy!"
Otou-san, how was I to know you were up there with gran and granddad?
"So it was either kicking you out or arranging your marriage. And for some reason my little sister wouldn't let me kick you out."
I wasn't sure what to think, otou-san. It was all happening too fast.
"Y-You are an evil, disgusting woman!" I spat.
She didn't slap me again, like I was expecting.
"Don't I know it, kid." She laughed before disappearing into the kitchen.
I sunk to the floor.
My chest was throbbing unbearably, otou-san. Like someone had just punched a hole into it.
I didn't know who to turn too.
I had no idea how to contact my supposedly best friend Conah and I wasn't a big believer in praying.
So I did the last thing I expected myself to do.
I went into my mum's bedroom.
She was sat at the end of her bed, her head facing the floor.
I didn't bother calling her or saying hello.
I just walked straight over to her and hugged her.
She stiffened at first, whilst I sobbed into her shoulder.
"Nami…I'm…I'm so sorry." She whispered.
It had been so long since I had heard her voice, that it shocked me, otou-san.
I didn't say anything, I just hugged her tighter.
I think we stayed like that for an hour, otou-san.
But it was mum that finally broke the silence, "Nekozawa Umehito." She stated.
I released her and looked at her questionably.
"Everyone deserves to know the name of their fiancé." With that, she got up and left her bedroom.
I'm still in mum's bedroom as I write this, otou-san.
I feel hollow and confused.
I don't want to go outside and face aunt Viv or mum even.
I yearn for your presence otou-san.
My heart is truly aching.
I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that.
I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
So for now,
Goodbye, otou-san