March 13, 2005: Washington DC
Several hours later, [and hundreds of miles away], a tired and beleaguered junior Senator from Connecticut was sitting behind his desk staring intently at his computer, a long-since cold cup of coffee beside him, and the bright lights of the city and starlight flickering behind him through his office window. The lights looked almost like tiny fireflies against his computer screen. Thinking of fireflies, of course, led him to think of the Fourth of July at his house in Connecticut last year and watching his oldest daughter chase them all around the yard while his baby daughter had crawled around the grass in a vain attempt to catch up. 'I wonder if that's what they're doing wherever they are right now, chasing fireflies,' Josh thought to himself sadly.
Shaking off those thoughts, he turned back to the computer. He tried with everything in him to concentrate on a proposal he was working on for the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to look at tomorrow, but his heart just wasn't in his work. It hadn't been for a month now. Closing the program, Josh clicked down to his Internet icon and browsed to his email. Typing in his account number, he hit "Enter" and waited for any new messages to come up. After a moment, the "No New Messages" appeared, further sinking Josh's tired heart. No contact from Emma or from Donna on where they were or what they were doing. No contact that would help ease his worried mind a little bit. Nothing that would bring his family just that small fraction closer to him.
"Hey Sue, you leaving for the night?" Josh heard a female voice call from the doorway outside his office that led to his reception area.
The new receptionist in his office, Sue, responded to her company, "Yeah just a second, Hallie. I've got to redo the appointments for tomorrow. What are you doing here so early? I thought Congressman Uley need you tonight?" Their conversation turned to idle office gossip then that Josh didn't care to listen to. After a few moments of listening to mindless dribble, he went up to fully shut the partially closed door when something one of them said caught his attention.
"So how is the great Senator Family-Man doing these days?" Hallie asked Sue sarcastically. Intrigued, Josh paused and pressed his ear closer to the cracked door.
"Don't you mean Senator Career-Minded," Sue scolded her half-heartedly.
"I'm sorry, I'm just so sick of it. These men who come to DC, riding the coattails of being the ideal loving husband and father, yet the minute they step into the Senate chambers they dump their families to the wayside in favor of a seat on a good committee." Josh sucked in a short breath and bit down hard on his lip. 'So everyone really does know,' he thought bitterly.
"You don't know what happened between the Senator and his wife. Hell, most of us here in his office don't know what happened. And why should we?" she asked, her voice taking on an annoyed quality. "I mean our careers only depend on him after all. So a little thing like personal crisis's that affect his job performance shouldn't be any of our concern or anything"
"She just up and left with the kids is what I heard."
"Me too. But does he do anything to try and find them? Does he lift a finger to go after them? No, of course not," she replied in that tone that came over a person when they just knew they were right about someone else. "After all, he can probably spin a divorce come reelection time," he heard Sue say as she put some papers away. He bit down furiously on his lip, using every bit of strength he had in him to keep himself from launching out of the office. "You'll see. He'll just say she was crazy or something, maybe even a prescription drug addict. Probably try to take the kids from her. After all, those photo-ops just aren't complete without the little cherubs standing right beside him."
"You know the older daughter?" Hallie continued glibly. "She isn't even his. The wife had her before she even met him and he had to adopt her to save face for the election." Their voices trailed away as the pair left the room, leaving Josh alone with his anger and humiliation.
'Shouldn't be so surprised,' he thought as he walked back to his desk to gather his things for the night. His energy for work had been instantly zapped away from that little bout of eavesdropping. Not by the fact that members of his staff were questioning his moral credibility but rather that word had spread about his marital woes so quickly. Josh was careful to never publicly talk about his family to begin, lest he rally up the crazies of the world even more. And he knew that those who knew of the separation would not leak the news to anyone they didn't deem trustworthy. But still, this was Washington; secrets don't remain secrets in this town for long, especially personal ones. But Josh had no desire to deal with any of that tonight. So he packed up his things for the night and left, stopping by Security on his way out to alert them that Sue Myers no longer worked for him and to escort her from the building tomorrow morning when she returned.
'That's a little harsh,' his subconscious self said to him. Naturally, his subconscious self had Donna's voice. She'd been his moral compass since he'd met her; even before a personal relationship between them began he would find himself working on a particular bill or budget reports and thinking, 'Would Donna think this was right?' Even now, despite everything, he wondered if she would approve of him firing someone just because of a negative comment they'd made about him. 'But she won't know about it because she took off for God knows where with your kids in tow so you really shouldn't give a damn about what she thinks is right anymore,' he reminded himself angrily, as he did nearly everyday since she'd left.
As he was walking out of the Capitol building to go back to his empty house, a voice called out for him. "Josh, wait a minute!" He turned around to find his friend, Representative Bobby Harrington jogging up to him. "How's it going, man?"
"Hi Bobby," Josh replied, starting to walk again as Bobby trailed after him.
"So," he began conversationally as they walked down the Capitol steps, "what happened today?"
"Nothing much. Gagner wants an amendment added to the--"
"I wasn't talking about work and you know it," Bobby interrupted him.
"I did know it. I was just practicing that famous avoidance behavior of mine."
"Have you heard from--?"
"Have I heard from Donna at all in the past month?" Josh stopped walking and turned to his friend, his frustration over anything consuming him for a moment. "Has she called or written once in the past month to tell me where she is or what is going through her mind right now? Has she called to tell me where my daughters are or that Natalie's learned a new word or that Emma's gotten grounded for hiding her vegetables in potted plants again or anything? No she hasn't and until she does, I'm doing everything humanly possible not to think about my family so I can, just for a few glorious moments, avoid the searing pain that wells up inside of me every time I have to accept that I don't know where the hell my family is!" After getting that out, Josh sucked in a deep breath and continued on his way and it was a moment before Bobby caught up with him.
"Yeah, man, you've got it real rough," he agreed the sarcasm dripping from his voice like syrup.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Josh spat out angrily.
"You're a lot luckier than some folks."
"How do you figure that?"
Bobby paused for effect. "At least you know your girls are still alive," he whispered reverently.
Josh, mollified by that statement, took a deep breath and let it out slowly in an attempt to get his anger to dissipate. When he thought he was under control, he apologized. "Sorry. Kinda got away from me for a minute."
"It's okay." He patted Josh's shoulder. "Listen, what are you doing tonight?"
"Probably just going to work on the language for Gary's bill."
"Why don't you come to the house? Helen would love to have you and you shouldn't be alone like this."
"Bobby, I'm fine. It was a momentary lapse. I'm going to go home and--"
"Stew in an empty house, wandering through every room with a bottle of vodka in your hand all night?"
"No," Josh disagreed. He sighed, glancing at Bobby. "It's usually Scotch." He started walking to where he'd parked his car.
"Okay, here's what we're gonna do." He grabbed Josh's shoulder and steered him to where his own car was waiting. "We're gonna get in my car and you're gonna come over to my house where Helen will saddle you down with enough leftovers to last a week and you'll be surrounded by the living for one night. Then afterwards, we'll pick up your car and I'll take you home and tuck you into bed so you'll be all rested for the morning."
"Gee, thanks Mom," Josh quipped. "But I don't get any dessert?"
"If you're a good boy and eat all of your dinner," Bobby promised him as they climbed into his Mercedes. Unlike some Congressmen and women, Josh and Bobby opted not to have a personal driver, relishing the quiet time they had in the privacy of their automobiles. They settled in and headed off for Bobby's home in Alexandria, conversing on work-related issues rather than personal ones. As soon as they set foot in the house, Josh noticed the stark contrast it held with his own home. His three-story brownstone in Georgetown was so devoid of life and happiness lately. There was virtually no sound whatsoever of family there. But here, one could feel the love that permeated from the walls. Talking and laughing and occasional shouting could be heard from the Harrington family. Bobby's wife Helen, a prominent obstetrician in the area, was on the phone while she was setting the table. Her sons, seven year-old Freddie and eighteen year-old Mike, who was visiting home from the University of North Carolina, were playing video games in the living room, alternately joking with each other one minute and trying to kill each other the next.
"Hey, time out!" Bobby cried out as he approached his sons during one of the fights, separating the shoving individuals.
"But Dad, he's head hunting all my good batters!" Freddie complained of his older brother's methods of playing video baseball.
"Stop crying you little runt," Mike teased him as he demonstrated his techniques.
"Shut up!" he shouted, punching his brother's arm before turning back to his father. "Daddy, he's not playing fair!"
"Daddy, he's not playing fair!" Mike mimicked in a high voice. Freddie lunged for him again but Bobby held him back.
"So that doesn't mean you go off and actually hit him," the father explained patiently to the boy while Mike grinned victoriously. Bobby set the boy down and took the controller from Freddie. "What you do is when you're man's sliding into second, go spikes up so you can take out the baseman."
"Oh Bobby, don't teach him that," Helen reprimanded as she hung up the phone and caught her husband tutoring his sons in the art of poor virtual sportsmanship. "It's bad enough you've got them sitting in front of that things, killing off brain cells by the minute. You've got to teach them how to cheat at the same time?"
"They're gonna learn how to cheat someday, might as well teach them to do it right," Bobby pointed out as he went over to greet his wife with a kiss. Josh's heart clenched at the sight; thinking back to how many times he'd spent evenings like this with Donna and the girls for granted in the past. He was broken out of his reverie when Helen came over to him.
"It's good to see you, Josh," she said quietly as she wrapped him in a quick hug. He returned it. "I'm glad you came tonight."
"Well your husband promised me food that hasn't been in my fridge since February. How could I resist?" he joked, trying to mask his pain a little bit.
Helen looked like she didn't believe him but she let it go. "Well, it's all ready. Come on in," she said, leading him and everyone else into the dining room. They all sat around the table and joined hands to say grace.
"Fredrick, would you do the honors?" Bobby asked his youngest son.
The boy nodded eagerly. "God bless this food we are about to eat and let it strengthen our bodies and minds. Please offer your love and guidance to everyone on Earth. And please take care of my sister Sondra, who's living with you in Heaven. Amen."
"Amen." The Harrington's collectively whispered quietly. Josh had listened to the prayer but chose not to partake in it. Faith was not something he carried in abundance of late. Losing one's entire family without any warning would do that to you. Shaking it off, he reached over for a platter of roast beef when Freddie exclaimed. "Oh no!"
"What is it sweetie?" Helen asked concerned.
"I forgot something during grace. Can I do it again? It'll only take a second." Mike rolled his eyes in annoyance but was kept from opening his mouth by his mother's stern glance. Silently the family joined hands again and Freddie began the prayer once more. "And God, if you can find time for it, between healing people and ending wars and all that, please make it so that Donna, Emma, and Natalie can come home soon so that my Daddy's friend Josh isn't sad anymore. Amen." Everyone nodded their agreement and said "Amen" and turned back to Josh to see what his reaction would be.
Stunned, Josh looked at the little boy sitting next to him and swallowed back some tears. That Freddie and the rest of the Harrington's cared so much about what happened to him meant a lot to him; a lot more than he'd thought it would. Josh reached over and smoothed a hand over Freddie's head while he gave him a small smile. "Amen," he whispered roughly. He smiled sadly at the rest of the table and again reached over to get some roast beef, letting the meal get back on track.
The tone of the meal was a pleasant one. Stories about each others' day were exchanged and plans and schedules for the next day were made. Josh mostly stayed silent, allowing the family to converse without his interference. He was just glad to not be alone in his own house at the moment. No one pressured him to talk, just let him eat his dinner in peace. That is, until Freddie asked him a question.
"Josh?" he asked innocently.
"Yeah Freddie?" he answered as he went to pour himself another glass of water.
"I was talking to some kids at recess today and they wanted to know something about you."
"What's that?"
He looked at Josh seriously. "They were saying that their parents said that you made Emma and her mommy leave because you weren't Emma's real daddy. That's not true is it?"
The whole group was shocked, not that Freddie would say such a thing, but that other parents, adults supposedly, would tell their children such things. Josh, for his part, was feeling a myriad of emotions. Anger, sadness, humiliation; they were all hitting him like a freight train. He didn't say anything, just sat his glass on the table, quietly excused himself, and got up, heading back towards the kitchen. When he was there, he walked to the sink and braced his hands against it, squeezing his eyes shut and taking deep breaths to try and calm himself down before he lost control of his emotions. After a minute, things started shifting back into focus in his mind and he began to calm down. 'If only I'd been this smart that night,' he thought to himself.
After Donna had left and he realized he couldn't find her, one of Josh's first phone calls had been to the San Francisco offices of one Dr. Stanley Keyworth. Considering Josh's mental state and the special relationship the doctor had shared with President Bartlet and his staffers, Dr. Keyworth had flown out and done some intense therapy sessions with Josh in the first few days after Donna left. During that time, Josh took time off for what his office told the press was a "family emergency". At the end of the second week, both Stanley and Josh felt he was on solid mental ground to return to work full-time. Stanley had left Josh with several books on PSTD and it's residual effects and how to control them as best he could. Josh realized that they way he'd taken his anger out on Donna that night was a manifestation of the disease itself. The rage he still carried over the shooting lingered on despite his best efforts and he needed to learn how to keep it in check to avoid it happening again. To do this, Josh had been prescribed the anti-depressant Paxil and was attending therapy sessions with a doctor Stanley recommended. He finally was beginning to accept that he'd never be entirely cured of the PTSD and while troubling, it did help him explain to others why he'd gotten so angry at Donna in the first place over something other people might have been able to work through.
But that still didn't justify her behavior to him, not one bit. She'd gone and taken away the most precious things in his life from him, seemingly without any regard to what it would do to him. He missed Emma and Natalie so much he felt like he'd go crazy with longing for them. Everyday when he got home, after staying as late as he possibly could at the office, he'd go home and look at old home movies of them and photo albums, memorizing each and every moment that had been captured. It was killing him ever so slowly to be away from them like this. The only things that were holding him together at this point were his friends and Emma's emails. "I taught Natalie how to feed the goldfish. We dressed in our bathing suits and played mermaids in the bathtub. Mommy is still sad. We miss you lots." He'd committed every word of every one to memory. They were Josh's lifeline to his daughters and he treasured all of them as if they were gold doubloons.
But something about them troubled him. Emma always made a point of mentioning that Donna was sad. He didn't know if this was due to be away from home or from the stress of their marital problems or if it was from something more serious. Josh wasn't ashamed to admit that he'd wondered often if there was something seriously wrong with Donna health-wise that made her run off like that. Perhaps some psychological disorder that was hereditary from her family. Thoughts like that kept him up for all hours, worrying endlessly over Donna, no matter how much he didn't want to. He didn't want to care about her anymore as anything other than the mother of his children but he couldn't stop himself. As much as he hated what she'd done and as angry as he was with her, he still loved her with everything in him and that made the whole situation infinitely more complicated. If he could only hate her, things would be so much easier. He could just end their marriage and focus on his daughters with all his heart, putting all this misery behind him. But no matter how much he tried to ignore it or deny it, his heart belonged to Donnatella Igraine Lyman. He couldn't help wondering, though, if her heart still belonged to him.
"Hey," a voice broke through the haze of Josh's mind. He turned to find Bobby standing in the kitchen doorway. "You alright?" Josh didn't answer, just stared out through the kitchen window to the night sky of the suburbs. "Look I'm sorry about Freddie. He didn't realize- -."
"I know, it's okay," Josh interrupted quietly, finally turning back to face Bobby. "He's just a kid. It's not his fault that the people raising his classmates have no conception of what the Fourteenth Amendment ensures."
"That's the one that protects you from state action, not the Beltway gossip mill," Bobby pointed out as he moved to go over to Josh.
"But shouldn't there be one that says I have the right to decimate anyone who pisses me off right now?"
"Well the framers put the Second one in there for something. Maybe this was it." They fell into a calm silence, just standing in the kitchen listening to the sounds of Helen and the boys in the rest of the house. Finally Bobby asked, "How's work going? With Toby I mean. Are you two still- -?"
"No we're okay now," Josh said, referring to the amount of arguing the two of them had engaged in a few weeks ago. He'd blamed Toby for what had happened in the beginning, thinking if he hadn't gone to Donna in the first place about his worries over the abortion matter, none of this would have happened in the first place. But eventually he came to see that he and Donna would have come to blows over something anyways so he and his Chief of Staff had been able to patch things up. "I wish I could say the same for me and her family."
"They're still not speaking to you?"
"Well Nicole gives me those pleasant, scornful looks whenever she drops by the office for Toby and my brother-in-law still hangs up the phone when I call him to see if he's heard anything. But only after telling me exactly where exactly I can shove my concern. I can't get a hold of her grandmother and she didn't really have any friends in the area that she spoke to often, except Helen.
"What about her best friend, the one from England?"
"Lily? No, Lily would call me if she knew anything, if not for my sake than for the girls'."
"I think it's unfair," Bobby told him. "Donna was the one that kidnapped your daughters and you're getting blamed for it by her family."
"Well they never liked me that much in the first place," Josh explained sourly. "Except for Mena. Mena has a big crush on me. T.J. just hated me outright from Day One and Nicole.I don't know about her. She always kind of held herself off at arms length a little bit. Like she wanted to care about me but she just knew I'd somehow screw it up with Donna."
"You didn't screw this up on your own. She helped you out plenty in the department," he pointed out.
"I know, I know," Josh agreed. "She's the one who ran away because she was unhappy. But I didn't know she was unhappy. I was so wrapped up in being Senator Lyman that I just let her slip away from me. I was so busy I couldn't make her see that she could talk to me."
"Okay she was unhappy and ran away. Fine, I can accept that. But why is she not letting the girls call you at least? Why is she keeping them hidden away you? That's just plain wrong, no mother in their right mind would do that."
"Yes she could," a new voice interjected. The men looked up to see Helen in the doorway, arms folded across her chest and glaring at her husband. "If she were desperate enough she could. I could name dozens of mothers I know who run away with her children whenever a situation gets out of control."
"But we're not talking about some woman who goes to the next town over for a couple of nights to pull herself together," Bobby argued calmly. "We're talking about someone who's disappeared off the face of the planet without any thought or care as to what her husband's going through."
"Of course she cares about Josh!" Helen declared passionately, both forgetting that Josh was in the room with them for a minute. "She wouldn't have stayed as long as she did in DC if she didn't. She was miserable from the moment they got here! And Donna is a woman whose children mean everything to her. Of course it makes sense that she'd take them with her."
"Then why is she not calling Josh to tell them they're okay if she loves him this much?"
"Because she's scared. And doing the rational thing is a complete contradiction of what people do when they're afraid."
"All right! Enough!" Josh cried, tired of the two of them hashing out what went wrong with his marriage in front of him. Bobby and Helen turned to him, guilty expressions on both of their faces. Josh took a deep breath. "I appreciate that you guys care this much about us, I really do. But I can't listen to another person tell me what's going through Donna's mind or how I should feel about it. I just can't take it. I hear it everyday from my mother and Toby and President Bartlet; I know you all mean well but it's just something I don't need right now."
"We're sorry," Helen apologized contritely, putting a supportive hand on his shoulder. "You guys are some of the best friends we've had and we just want to do anything we can to help."
"Thank you," Josh replied, meaning it. He glanced up at the kitchen clock. "I should get going."
"You sure you don't want to stay for coffee or something?" Helen asked wanting to make sure that Josh wasn't leaving because he felt uncomfortable.
"It's a nice offer but I really have to get home. I still have some work I need to do for tomorrow."
"I'll drive you back to your car," Bobby said, going to get his keys and coat. Josh and Helen followed him.
"Listen," Helen told Josh as he got his coat. "You call the minute you hear something or if you need anything at all. Day or night we're here for you."
"Thank you." Josh leaned over to plant a kiss on her cheek and walked out of the house with Bobby. They got into the car and began the drive back to the Capitol building in the sleepy silence that comes over people during late night car rides. When they reached Josh's car Josh thanked Bobby for the meal and the ride. He was at his car door when Bobby called out to him.
"Hey Josh!" He turned to look back at him. "What are you gonna do?"
"What do you mean?"
"What are you gonna do when she comes back?"
Josh leaned against the hood of his car and was silent for a moment. "I.I don't know yet, Bobby."
"You can forgive her?" Bobby asked skeptically with raised eyebrows. "She can come home and just say that she's sorry and have that be that?"
Josh bit his lip in frustration. "Why are you so determined to make her the bad guy in all this? I thought you were a friend to both of us. It was my fault as much as it was hers, you know that."
"I'm not saying that. I care about Donna a lot and I pray to God she's all right. But what she did was wrong, a hellva lot more wrong than what you did."
"Yeah," he said softly. He thought for a minute before he answered the original question. "Before she left I loved her more than I thought possible but that night I hated her more than anything. What I mean is I love her but I just can't seem to forgive her. And I don't know what to do with that."
Bobby nodded slowly. "That's fair." He waved good-bye. "I'll see you tomorrow. I heard that Ramirez wants your vote on housing subsidizes. I'll call you later, I have some notes at my house."
"I'll talk to Toby. Thanks." He climbed into his car and watched Bobby drive off back to his house, his wife, and his kids; Josh thought he'd be willing to kill to be able to do that now. Sighing, he started his car and pulled out of the parking lot, making his way home.
When he got there he let himself in house and just before he entered the doorway he paused for a second, listening carefully for any sounds from inside. Hoping against hope that when he got inside, they'd be there. Natalie, rolling around on the floor making a mess of the pristine clothes Donna chose for her; Emma, curled up on the couch with a book and eager to talk about her day; and Donna, just doing anything at all. Sometimes when he'd come home, before they left, he'd watch them play out this scene or a hundred others like it. He'd realized that since they were gone that those moments watching them, when they didn't know he was there, how important they really were to him. How much he depended on them for peace of heart rather than peace of mind. Collecting himself, he put his key in the lock and turned, pushing the door open slowly. Flicking the lights on, he saw the house was as he'd left it this morning: empty. Empty of life, of love, of anything. It was just a house, it wasn't home; home was wherever his family was right then.
Sighing, he put his stuff down and shrugged off his coat, placing it on the coat rack. He made his way into the kitchen where the family cat, Lulu, was perched on the island. Petting the calico and listening to her purr, he was reminded of how excited Emma was when she first told him about getting the cat nearly three years ago and how happy she was just to sit and play with her when she got home from school. Donna must have left in hurry to leave without Lulu; Emma was probably upset when she found out her beloved cat was staying behind. He knew, as much as he normally disliked members of the feline family, that it was his job to take care of the cat until Emma returned home. He just hoped it was soon for everyone's sake.
Setting the cat down, he went to refill her food and water bowls. Once she was taken care of, he started sorting through the mail he'd picked up on his way in: Bill, bill, a letter from his mother on a dig site in Morocco, bill, solicitor, solicitor. Nothing from Donna or anyone else who might have a clue as to where she was. This was getting out of hand; Josh hadn't involved the authorities yet because he trusted that Donna would eventually come home and in the mean time Emma was contacting him to tell him they were okay. She'd asked in her only note to him that he not try and contact her, and he complied, if only because he wanted her to come back. But it'd been a month now and still no word on where they were or when they were coming home. Her family was stonewalling him if they knew something and he had no clue where to begin searching for her without their help. 'This has gone too far,' he thought. 'This waiting game has got to end.' He knew it would upset Donna later but tomorrow he was calling Mike Casper and asking him for his help.
After deciding this, Josh went to get his work so he could prepare for tomorrow's meeting with the committee. As he was leaving the kitchen the phone started to ring. Assuming it was Bobby checking up on him given the late hour, he answered it swiftly.
"Listen, Bobby, I've been home for like five minutes," he said without preamble. "Definitely not enough to get shit-faced if that's what you're worried about and I haven't called Toby yet about Ramirez so why don't you just- -."
"Josh," the voice on the other end cut him off. A voice that didn't belong to Bobby. A voice he had both longed and dreaded to hear from again. "Jo.Josh, it's me."
He absently dropped the papers to the floor and sunk into a nearby chair. He swallowed furiously, trying to generate some moisture in the desert that had become his mouth. Finally he was able to speak.
"Donna?"
Several hours later, [and hundreds of miles away], a tired and beleaguered junior Senator from Connecticut was sitting behind his desk staring intently at his computer, a long-since cold cup of coffee beside him, and the bright lights of the city and starlight flickering behind him through his office window. The lights looked almost like tiny fireflies against his computer screen. Thinking of fireflies, of course, led him to think of the Fourth of July at his house in Connecticut last year and watching his oldest daughter chase them all around the yard while his baby daughter had crawled around the grass in a vain attempt to catch up. 'I wonder if that's what they're doing wherever they are right now, chasing fireflies,' Josh thought to himself sadly.
Shaking off those thoughts, he turned back to the computer. He tried with everything in him to concentrate on a proposal he was working on for the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to look at tomorrow, but his heart just wasn't in his work. It hadn't been for a month now. Closing the program, Josh clicked down to his Internet icon and browsed to his email. Typing in his account number, he hit "Enter" and waited for any new messages to come up. After a moment, the "No New Messages" appeared, further sinking Josh's tired heart. No contact from Emma or from Donna on where they were or what they were doing. No contact that would help ease his worried mind a little bit. Nothing that would bring his family just that small fraction closer to him.
"Hey Sue, you leaving for the night?" Josh heard a female voice call from the doorway outside his office that led to his reception area.
The new receptionist in his office, Sue, responded to her company, "Yeah just a second, Hallie. I've got to redo the appointments for tomorrow. What are you doing here so early? I thought Congressman Uley need you tonight?" Their conversation turned to idle office gossip then that Josh didn't care to listen to. After a few moments of listening to mindless dribble, he went up to fully shut the partially closed door when something one of them said caught his attention.
"So how is the great Senator Family-Man doing these days?" Hallie asked Sue sarcastically. Intrigued, Josh paused and pressed his ear closer to the cracked door.
"Don't you mean Senator Career-Minded," Sue scolded her half-heartedly.
"I'm sorry, I'm just so sick of it. These men who come to DC, riding the coattails of being the ideal loving husband and father, yet the minute they step into the Senate chambers they dump their families to the wayside in favor of a seat on a good committee." Josh sucked in a short breath and bit down hard on his lip. 'So everyone really does know,' he thought bitterly.
"You don't know what happened between the Senator and his wife. Hell, most of us here in his office don't know what happened. And why should we?" she asked, her voice taking on an annoyed quality. "I mean our careers only depend on him after all. So a little thing like personal crisis's that affect his job performance shouldn't be any of our concern or anything"
"She just up and left with the kids is what I heard."
"Me too. But does he do anything to try and find them? Does he lift a finger to go after them? No, of course not," she replied in that tone that came over a person when they just knew they were right about someone else. "After all, he can probably spin a divorce come reelection time," he heard Sue say as she put some papers away. He bit down furiously on his lip, using every bit of strength he had in him to keep himself from launching out of the office. "You'll see. He'll just say she was crazy or something, maybe even a prescription drug addict. Probably try to take the kids from her. After all, those photo-ops just aren't complete without the little cherubs standing right beside him."
"You know the older daughter?" Hallie continued glibly. "She isn't even his. The wife had her before she even met him and he had to adopt her to save face for the election." Their voices trailed away as the pair left the room, leaving Josh alone with his anger and humiliation.
'Shouldn't be so surprised,' he thought as he walked back to his desk to gather his things for the night. His energy for work had been instantly zapped away from that little bout of eavesdropping. Not by the fact that members of his staff were questioning his moral credibility but rather that word had spread about his marital woes so quickly. Josh was careful to never publicly talk about his family to begin, lest he rally up the crazies of the world even more. And he knew that those who knew of the separation would not leak the news to anyone they didn't deem trustworthy. But still, this was Washington; secrets don't remain secrets in this town for long, especially personal ones. But Josh had no desire to deal with any of that tonight. So he packed up his things for the night and left, stopping by Security on his way out to alert them that Sue Myers no longer worked for him and to escort her from the building tomorrow morning when she returned.
'That's a little harsh,' his subconscious self said to him. Naturally, his subconscious self had Donna's voice. She'd been his moral compass since he'd met her; even before a personal relationship between them began he would find himself working on a particular bill or budget reports and thinking, 'Would Donna think this was right?' Even now, despite everything, he wondered if she would approve of him firing someone just because of a negative comment they'd made about him. 'But she won't know about it because she took off for God knows where with your kids in tow so you really shouldn't give a damn about what she thinks is right anymore,' he reminded himself angrily, as he did nearly everyday since she'd left.
As he was walking out of the Capitol building to go back to his empty house, a voice called out for him. "Josh, wait a minute!" He turned around to find his friend, Representative Bobby Harrington jogging up to him. "How's it going, man?"
"Hi Bobby," Josh replied, starting to walk again as Bobby trailed after him.
"So," he began conversationally as they walked down the Capitol steps, "what happened today?"
"Nothing much. Gagner wants an amendment added to the--"
"I wasn't talking about work and you know it," Bobby interrupted him.
"I did know it. I was just practicing that famous avoidance behavior of mine."
"Have you heard from--?"
"Have I heard from Donna at all in the past month?" Josh stopped walking and turned to his friend, his frustration over anything consuming him for a moment. "Has she called or written once in the past month to tell me where she is or what is going through her mind right now? Has she called to tell me where my daughters are or that Natalie's learned a new word or that Emma's gotten grounded for hiding her vegetables in potted plants again or anything? No she hasn't and until she does, I'm doing everything humanly possible not to think about my family so I can, just for a few glorious moments, avoid the searing pain that wells up inside of me every time I have to accept that I don't know where the hell my family is!" After getting that out, Josh sucked in a deep breath and continued on his way and it was a moment before Bobby caught up with him.
"Yeah, man, you've got it real rough," he agreed the sarcasm dripping from his voice like syrup.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Josh spat out angrily.
"You're a lot luckier than some folks."
"How do you figure that?"
Bobby paused for effect. "At least you know your girls are still alive," he whispered reverently.
Josh, mollified by that statement, took a deep breath and let it out slowly in an attempt to get his anger to dissipate. When he thought he was under control, he apologized. "Sorry. Kinda got away from me for a minute."
"It's okay." He patted Josh's shoulder. "Listen, what are you doing tonight?"
"Probably just going to work on the language for Gary's bill."
"Why don't you come to the house? Helen would love to have you and you shouldn't be alone like this."
"Bobby, I'm fine. It was a momentary lapse. I'm going to go home and--"
"Stew in an empty house, wandering through every room with a bottle of vodka in your hand all night?"
"No," Josh disagreed. He sighed, glancing at Bobby. "It's usually Scotch." He started walking to where he'd parked his car.
"Okay, here's what we're gonna do." He grabbed Josh's shoulder and steered him to where his own car was waiting. "We're gonna get in my car and you're gonna come over to my house where Helen will saddle you down with enough leftovers to last a week and you'll be surrounded by the living for one night. Then afterwards, we'll pick up your car and I'll take you home and tuck you into bed so you'll be all rested for the morning."
"Gee, thanks Mom," Josh quipped. "But I don't get any dessert?"
"If you're a good boy and eat all of your dinner," Bobby promised him as they climbed into his Mercedes. Unlike some Congressmen and women, Josh and Bobby opted not to have a personal driver, relishing the quiet time they had in the privacy of their automobiles. They settled in and headed off for Bobby's home in Alexandria, conversing on work-related issues rather than personal ones. As soon as they set foot in the house, Josh noticed the stark contrast it held with his own home. His three-story brownstone in Georgetown was so devoid of life and happiness lately. There was virtually no sound whatsoever of family there. But here, one could feel the love that permeated from the walls. Talking and laughing and occasional shouting could be heard from the Harrington family. Bobby's wife Helen, a prominent obstetrician in the area, was on the phone while she was setting the table. Her sons, seven year-old Freddie and eighteen year-old Mike, who was visiting home from the University of North Carolina, were playing video games in the living room, alternately joking with each other one minute and trying to kill each other the next.
"Hey, time out!" Bobby cried out as he approached his sons during one of the fights, separating the shoving individuals.
"But Dad, he's head hunting all my good batters!" Freddie complained of his older brother's methods of playing video baseball.
"Stop crying you little runt," Mike teased him as he demonstrated his techniques.
"Shut up!" he shouted, punching his brother's arm before turning back to his father. "Daddy, he's not playing fair!"
"Daddy, he's not playing fair!" Mike mimicked in a high voice. Freddie lunged for him again but Bobby held him back.
"So that doesn't mean you go off and actually hit him," the father explained patiently to the boy while Mike grinned victoriously. Bobby set the boy down and took the controller from Freddie. "What you do is when you're man's sliding into second, go spikes up so you can take out the baseman."
"Oh Bobby, don't teach him that," Helen reprimanded as she hung up the phone and caught her husband tutoring his sons in the art of poor virtual sportsmanship. "It's bad enough you've got them sitting in front of that things, killing off brain cells by the minute. You've got to teach them how to cheat at the same time?"
"They're gonna learn how to cheat someday, might as well teach them to do it right," Bobby pointed out as he went over to greet his wife with a kiss. Josh's heart clenched at the sight; thinking back to how many times he'd spent evenings like this with Donna and the girls for granted in the past. He was broken out of his reverie when Helen came over to him.
"It's good to see you, Josh," she said quietly as she wrapped him in a quick hug. He returned it. "I'm glad you came tonight."
"Well your husband promised me food that hasn't been in my fridge since February. How could I resist?" he joked, trying to mask his pain a little bit.
Helen looked like she didn't believe him but she let it go. "Well, it's all ready. Come on in," she said, leading him and everyone else into the dining room. They all sat around the table and joined hands to say grace.
"Fredrick, would you do the honors?" Bobby asked his youngest son.
The boy nodded eagerly. "God bless this food we are about to eat and let it strengthen our bodies and minds. Please offer your love and guidance to everyone on Earth. And please take care of my sister Sondra, who's living with you in Heaven. Amen."
"Amen." The Harrington's collectively whispered quietly. Josh had listened to the prayer but chose not to partake in it. Faith was not something he carried in abundance of late. Losing one's entire family without any warning would do that to you. Shaking it off, he reached over for a platter of roast beef when Freddie exclaimed. "Oh no!"
"What is it sweetie?" Helen asked concerned.
"I forgot something during grace. Can I do it again? It'll only take a second." Mike rolled his eyes in annoyance but was kept from opening his mouth by his mother's stern glance. Silently the family joined hands again and Freddie began the prayer once more. "And God, if you can find time for it, between healing people and ending wars and all that, please make it so that Donna, Emma, and Natalie can come home soon so that my Daddy's friend Josh isn't sad anymore. Amen." Everyone nodded their agreement and said "Amen" and turned back to Josh to see what his reaction would be.
Stunned, Josh looked at the little boy sitting next to him and swallowed back some tears. That Freddie and the rest of the Harrington's cared so much about what happened to him meant a lot to him; a lot more than he'd thought it would. Josh reached over and smoothed a hand over Freddie's head while he gave him a small smile. "Amen," he whispered roughly. He smiled sadly at the rest of the table and again reached over to get some roast beef, letting the meal get back on track.
The tone of the meal was a pleasant one. Stories about each others' day were exchanged and plans and schedules for the next day were made. Josh mostly stayed silent, allowing the family to converse without his interference. He was just glad to not be alone in his own house at the moment. No one pressured him to talk, just let him eat his dinner in peace. That is, until Freddie asked him a question.
"Josh?" he asked innocently.
"Yeah Freddie?" he answered as he went to pour himself another glass of water.
"I was talking to some kids at recess today and they wanted to know something about you."
"What's that?"
He looked at Josh seriously. "They were saying that their parents said that you made Emma and her mommy leave because you weren't Emma's real daddy. That's not true is it?"
The whole group was shocked, not that Freddie would say such a thing, but that other parents, adults supposedly, would tell their children such things. Josh, for his part, was feeling a myriad of emotions. Anger, sadness, humiliation; they were all hitting him like a freight train. He didn't say anything, just sat his glass on the table, quietly excused himself, and got up, heading back towards the kitchen. When he was there, he walked to the sink and braced his hands against it, squeezing his eyes shut and taking deep breaths to try and calm himself down before he lost control of his emotions. After a minute, things started shifting back into focus in his mind and he began to calm down. 'If only I'd been this smart that night,' he thought to himself.
After Donna had left and he realized he couldn't find her, one of Josh's first phone calls had been to the San Francisco offices of one Dr. Stanley Keyworth. Considering Josh's mental state and the special relationship the doctor had shared with President Bartlet and his staffers, Dr. Keyworth had flown out and done some intense therapy sessions with Josh in the first few days after Donna left. During that time, Josh took time off for what his office told the press was a "family emergency". At the end of the second week, both Stanley and Josh felt he was on solid mental ground to return to work full-time. Stanley had left Josh with several books on PSTD and it's residual effects and how to control them as best he could. Josh realized that they way he'd taken his anger out on Donna that night was a manifestation of the disease itself. The rage he still carried over the shooting lingered on despite his best efforts and he needed to learn how to keep it in check to avoid it happening again. To do this, Josh had been prescribed the anti-depressant Paxil and was attending therapy sessions with a doctor Stanley recommended. He finally was beginning to accept that he'd never be entirely cured of the PTSD and while troubling, it did help him explain to others why he'd gotten so angry at Donna in the first place over something other people might have been able to work through.
But that still didn't justify her behavior to him, not one bit. She'd gone and taken away the most precious things in his life from him, seemingly without any regard to what it would do to him. He missed Emma and Natalie so much he felt like he'd go crazy with longing for them. Everyday when he got home, after staying as late as he possibly could at the office, he'd go home and look at old home movies of them and photo albums, memorizing each and every moment that had been captured. It was killing him ever so slowly to be away from them like this. The only things that were holding him together at this point were his friends and Emma's emails. "I taught Natalie how to feed the goldfish. We dressed in our bathing suits and played mermaids in the bathtub. Mommy is still sad. We miss you lots." He'd committed every word of every one to memory. They were Josh's lifeline to his daughters and he treasured all of them as if they were gold doubloons.
But something about them troubled him. Emma always made a point of mentioning that Donna was sad. He didn't know if this was due to be away from home or from the stress of their marital problems or if it was from something more serious. Josh wasn't ashamed to admit that he'd wondered often if there was something seriously wrong with Donna health-wise that made her run off like that. Perhaps some psychological disorder that was hereditary from her family. Thoughts like that kept him up for all hours, worrying endlessly over Donna, no matter how much he didn't want to. He didn't want to care about her anymore as anything other than the mother of his children but he couldn't stop himself. As much as he hated what she'd done and as angry as he was with her, he still loved her with everything in him and that made the whole situation infinitely more complicated. If he could only hate her, things would be so much easier. He could just end their marriage and focus on his daughters with all his heart, putting all this misery behind him. But no matter how much he tried to ignore it or deny it, his heart belonged to Donnatella Igraine Lyman. He couldn't help wondering, though, if her heart still belonged to him.
"Hey," a voice broke through the haze of Josh's mind. He turned to find Bobby standing in the kitchen doorway. "You alright?" Josh didn't answer, just stared out through the kitchen window to the night sky of the suburbs. "Look I'm sorry about Freddie. He didn't realize- -."
"I know, it's okay," Josh interrupted quietly, finally turning back to face Bobby. "He's just a kid. It's not his fault that the people raising his classmates have no conception of what the Fourteenth Amendment ensures."
"That's the one that protects you from state action, not the Beltway gossip mill," Bobby pointed out as he moved to go over to Josh.
"But shouldn't there be one that says I have the right to decimate anyone who pisses me off right now?"
"Well the framers put the Second one in there for something. Maybe this was it." They fell into a calm silence, just standing in the kitchen listening to the sounds of Helen and the boys in the rest of the house. Finally Bobby asked, "How's work going? With Toby I mean. Are you two still- -?"
"No we're okay now," Josh said, referring to the amount of arguing the two of them had engaged in a few weeks ago. He'd blamed Toby for what had happened in the beginning, thinking if he hadn't gone to Donna in the first place about his worries over the abortion matter, none of this would have happened in the first place. But eventually he came to see that he and Donna would have come to blows over something anyways so he and his Chief of Staff had been able to patch things up. "I wish I could say the same for me and her family."
"They're still not speaking to you?"
"Well Nicole gives me those pleasant, scornful looks whenever she drops by the office for Toby and my brother-in-law still hangs up the phone when I call him to see if he's heard anything. But only after telling me exactly where exactly I can shove my concern. I can't get a hold of her grandmother and she didn't really have any friends in the area that she spoke to often, except Helen.
"What about her best friend, the one from England?"
"Lily? No, Lily would call me if she knew anything, if not for my sake than for the girls'."
"I think it's unfair," Bobby told him. "Donna was the one that kidnapped your daughters and you're getting blamed for it by her family."
"Well they never liked me that much in the first place," Josh explained sourly. "Except for Mena. Mena has a big crush on me. T.J. just hated me outright from Day One and Nicole.I don't know about her. She always kind of held herself off at arms length a little bit. Like she wanted to care about me but she just knew I'd somehow screw it up with Donna."
"You didn't screw this up on your own. She helped you out plenty in the department," he pointed out.
"I know, I know," Josh agreed. "She's the one who ran away because she was unhappy. But I didn't know she was unhappy. I was so wrapped up in being Senator Lyman that I just let her slip away from me. I was so busy I couldn't make her see that she could talk to me."
"Okay she was unhappy and ran away. Fine, I can accept that. But why is she not letting the girls call you at least? Why is she keeping them hidden away you? That's just plain wrong, no mother in their right mind would do that."
"Yes she could," a new voice interjected. The men looked up to see Helen in the doorway, arms folded across her chest and glaring at her husband. "If she were desperate enough she could. I could name dozens of mothers I know who run away with her children whenever a situation gets out of control."
"But we're not talking about some woman who goes to the next town over for a couple of nights to pull herself together," Bobby argued calmly. "We're talking about someone who's disappeared off the face of the planet without any thought or care as to what her husband's going through."
"Of course she cares about Josh!" Helen declared passionately, both forgetting that Josh was in the room with them for a minute. "She wouldn't have stayed as long as she did in DC if she didn't. She was miserable from the moment they got here! And Donna is a woman whose children mean everything to her. Of course it makes sense that she'd take them with her."
"Then why is she not calling Josh to tell them they're okay if she loves him this much?"
"Because she's scared. And doing the rational thing is a complete contradiction of what people do when they're afraid."
"All right! Enough!" Josh cried, tired of the two of them hashing out what went wrong with his marriage in front of him. Bobby and Helen turned to him, guilty expressions on both of their faces. Josh took a deep breath. "I appreciate that you guys care this much about us, I really do. But I can't listen to another person tell me what's going through Donna's mind or how I should feel about it. I just can't take it. I hear it everyday from my mother and Toby and President Bartlet; I know you all mean well but it's just something I don't need right now."
"We're sorry," Helen apologized contritely, putting a supportive hand on his shoulder. "You guys are some of the best friends we've had and we just want to do anything we can to help."
"Thank you," Josh replied, meaning it. He glanced up at the kitchen clock. "I should get going."
"You sure you don't want to stay for coffee or something?" Helen asked wanting to make sure that Josh wasn't leaving because he felt uncomfortable.
"It's a nice offer but I really have to get home. I still have some work I need to do for tomorrow."
"I'll drive you back to your car," Bobby said, going to get his keys and coat. Josh and Helen followed him.
"Listen," Helen told Josh as he got his coat. "You call the minute you hear something or if you need anything at all. Day or night we're here for you."
"Thank you." Josh leaned over to plant a kiss on her cheek and walked out of the house with Bobby. They got into the car and began the drive back to the Capitol building in the sleepy silence that comes over people during late night car rides. When they reached Josh's car Josh thanked Bobby for the meal and the ride. He was at his car door when Bobby called out to him.
"Hey Josh!" He turned to look back at him. "What are you gonna do?"
"What do you mean?"
"What are you gonna do when she comes back?"
Josh leaned against the hood of his car and was silent for a moment. "I.I don't know yet, Bobby."
"You can forgive her?" Bobby asked skeptically with raised eyebrows. "She can come home and just say that she's sorry and have that be that?"
Josh bit his lip in frustration. "Why are you so determined to make her the bad guy in all this? I thought you were a friend to both of us. It was my fault as much as it was hers, you know that."
"I'm not saying that. I care about Donna a lot and I pray to God she's all right. But what she did was wrong, a hellva lot more wrong than what you did."
"Yeah," he said softly. He thought for a minute before he answered the original question. "Before she left I loved her more than I thought possible but that night I hated her more than anything. What I mean is I love her but I just can't seem to forgive her. And I don't know what to do with that."
Bobby nodded slowly. "That's fair." He waved good-bye. "I'll see you tomorrow. I heard that Ramirez wants your vote on housing subsidizes. I'll call you later, I have some notes at my house."
"I'll talk to Toby. Thanks." He climbed into his car and watched Bobby drive off back to his house, his wife, and his kids; Josh thought he'd be willing to kill to be able to do that now. Sighing, he started his car and pulled out of the parking lot, making his way home.
When he got there he let himself in house and just before he entered the doorway he paused for a second, listening carefully for any sounds from inside. Hoping against hope that when he got inside, they'd be there. Natalie, rolling around on the floor making a mess of the pristine clothes Donna chose for her; Emma, curled up on the couch with a book and eager to talk about her day; and Donna, just doing anything at all. Sometimes when he'd come home, before they left, he'd watch them play out this scene or a hundred others like it. He'd realized that since they were gone that those moments watching them, when they didn't know he was there, how important they really were to him. How much he depended on them for peace of heart rather than peace of mind. Collecting himself, he put his key in the lock and turned, pushing the door open slowly. Flicking the lights on, he saw the house was as he'd left it this morning: empty. Empty of life, of love, of anything. It was just a house, it wasn't home; home was wherever his family was right then.
Sighing, he put his stuff down and shrugged off his coat, placing it on the coat rack. He made his way into the kitchen where the family cat, Lulu, was perched on the island. Petting the calico and listening to her purr, he was reminded of how excited Emma was when she first told him about getting the cat nearly three years ago and how happy she was just to sit and play with her when she got home from school. Donna must have left in hurry to leave without Lulu; Emma was probably upset when she found out her beloved cat was staying behind. He knew, as much as he normally disliked members of the feline family, that it was his job to take care of the cat until Emma returned home. He just hoped it was soon for everyone's sake.
Setting the cat down, he went to refill her food and water bowls. Once she was taken care of, he started sorting through the mail he'd picked up on his way in: Bill, bill, a letter from his mother on a dig site in Morocco, bill, solicitor, solicitor. Nothing from Donna or anyone else who might have a clue as to where she was. This was getting out of hand; Josh hadn't involved the authorities yet because he trusted that Donna would eventually come home and in the mean time Emma was contacting him to tell him they were okay. She'd asked in her only note to him that he not try and contact her, and he complied, if only because he wanted her to come back. But it'd been a month now and still no word on where they were or when they were coming home. Her family was stonewalling him if they knew something and he had no clue where to begin searching for her without their help. 'This has gone too far,' he thought. 'This waiting game has got to end.' He knew it would upset Donna later but tomorrow he was calling Mike Casper and asking him for his help.
After deciding this, Josh went to get his work so he could prepare for tomorrow's meeting with the committee. As he was leaving the kitchen the phone started to ring. Assuming it was Bobby checking up on him given the late hour, he answered it swiftly.
"Listen, Bobby, I've been home for like five minutes," he said without preamble. "Definitely not enough to get shit-faced if that's what you're worried about and I haven't called Toby yet about Ramirez so why don't you just- -."
"Josh," the voice on the other end cut him off. A voice that didn't belong to Bobby. A voice he had both longed and dreaded to hear from again. "Jo.Josh, it's me."
He absently dropped the papers to the floor and sunk into a nearby chair. He swallowed furiously, trying to generate some moisture in the desert that had become his mouth. Finally he was able to speak.
"Donna?"