Josh's Apartment: That Night
"What are you doing here, Sam?" Josh tiredly asked the figure behind his door when he looked through the peephole.
"Josh, just let me in okay. I'll explain inside," Sam said, pounding on the door a second later when he got no response.
"Alright, alright, come in. Jesus, you're gonna wake up Mr. Myers if you keep doing that."
Sam looked confused as he entered the doorway. "I thought he died like three months ago."
"My point exactly. Now what's up? Is everything alright?"
"No," said Sam shaking his head and removing his coat. "Everything is not alright. Donna is not alright, Josh."
As the words left Sam's mouth, Josh felt terror well up inside of him. "What happened to her? Did she have an episode or whatever it's called?" he asked franticly. When he got no immediate response, he started towards Sam. "God damn it Sam! What the hell happened?!"
"Josh she's okay!" Sam yelled back to calm him down. "She's still at the hospital but she's okay for now." Sam watched Josh release a giant breath as the relief washed over him. It made Sam remember his purpose for coming here. "Why didn't you go see her?"
"What?"
"Donna," Sam said. "Why didn't you go see her in the hospital?" Josh avoided his gaze and turned away from his friend. Sam could tell this was a conversation that Josh did not want to have but he plowed ahead anyway. "She needs you there, Josh. She's hurt and lonely and absolutely terrified of what might happen to her."
"Nothing's gonna happen to her," Josh said quietly. "She's gonna be fine."
"She might not be, Josh."
"But she will be, Sam."
"But she probably won't be and you need to accept that."
"What are you saying?" Josh asked, his voice like that of a small child scared of the monster under the bed. "Did the doctor's find something else that's wrong?"
Sam sighed. "Nothing's changed. Donna's in the same condition tonight that she was this morning. But that doesn't change the fact that if she doesn't get a bone marrow transplant soon, she'll." Sam trailed off. Josh was leaning back against the wall of his living room, looking like he wished he were anyplace else but this room. Even with all the anger that he felt for Josh right now, he was still Sam's best friend and he felt horrible for Josh. "Why did you take the meeting with Rittenhower?"
Josh shrugged his shoulders. "Rittenhower." he began, searching for the right answer. "Rittenhower, I couldn't screw up. I mean I could walk into that restaurant, sit down next to him, and I'd know exactly what to do to get what I wanted." Josh paused and moved to sit on his couch where Sam joined him. "If I walk into that hospital room, how do I know I'm gonna be okay when I see her? How do I know I'm not gonna say something that's gonna make this worse for her? I just." he started laughing ruefully. "This is the first time in my life were I walk into the room and I have no idea what to say."
"Did you care what she said when you got shot?" Sam immediately asked.
"What?"
"When you were shot and you were in the hospital, Donna came to see you. Did you care what she said to you?"
"No, of course not."
"Not even just a little?"
"I didn't care what she said to me, I just cared that she was there," Josh proclaimed, realizing the impact of his words as soon as he said them. Sam looked at him thoughtfully.
"You know," Sam started, "Visiting hours at GW ended about two hours ago but I'm pretty sure they'd make an exception for you."
"Don't you think she'd be too tired for visitor?"
"Josh," Sam chided him gently.
"I'm not trying to stall," Josh defended. "I just don't want her to be inconvienced."
"Believe me when I tell you she won't mind in the least."
GWU Hospital: Outside Donna's room [1 hour later]
Josh stood quietly outside Donna's room, wondering what he was gonna find when he opened the door and walked inside. It had taken a lot just to get Josh to this point and he didn't want to screw anything up. Sam had left Josh's apartment after Josh had promised him he'd go as soon as he finished a briefing memo for the morning. Sam, immediately recognizing Josh's infamous avoidance behavior, insisted on driving Josh to the hospital himself. Once they'd gotten there, Josh had declared that he was fine and Sam could go home but Sam, of course, wanted to see Donna too so he'd ridden the elevator with him.
Now Josh stood where he'd been standing for the past fifteen minutes, trying to gather up the nerve to walk into that room. Sam had gone to the cafeteria as soon as they got to the room claiming that he was hungry but he really just wanted to give the two of them a few minutes alone together. He had thought that Josh would be able to go in and be with Donna. But he couldn't even make himself walk through the door. He just stood there, waiting for something to kick in that would give him the courage to at least put one foot in front of the other.
"Excuse me, Sir," came a voice from behind Josh, startling him. He turned to see a doctor in a white lab coat and flannel shirt and trousers standing before him. "May I help you?"
"Um.No I was just, ah waiting for." he stuttered, gesturing with his hands.
"Are you a friend of the patient?" the doctor asked, eyeing him suspiciously. Mr. McGarry and the Secret Service had warned Dr. Flynn that reporters might try to get access to Donna. "If you're not, I suggest that you leave before I'm forced to call security," he continued sternly.
Josh felt like he had literally swallowed his tongue down the back of his throat. He couldn't form a coherent response to the doctor's inquiries. Just as Dr. Flynn made a move towards the phone on the front desk, a man in plain clothes approached the doctor. Josh immediately recognized him as one of the agents who was regularly on the President's detail. He and the doctor shared a few hushed words, while Josh stood aimlessly outside the door, before the doctor turned and walked back towards Josh.
"So you're Mr. Lyman," the doctor said, extending his hand towards Josh. "I'm terribly sorry about that but I wasn't sure what you looked like or when you'd be coming in."
"How did you know I was coming here?" Josh asked confused.
The doctor gave him a small smile as he led him back towards Donna's door. "Leo McGarry said that we should be expecting you to come and see Donna anytime now, as did Sam Seaborn, CJ Cregg, Toby Zieg."
"Who are you?" Josh abruptly cut in, stopping the two of them before they could reach Donna's door.
"Oh I'm sorry," the man chuckled lightly. "I'm Dr. Michael Flynn; I'm Donna's primary physician. How do you do?"
Josh swallowed and took a minute. "I'm fine," he replied dryly.
The two men continued standing outside the door for a few more minutes, doing nothing. Dr. Flynn was waiting for Josh to make the first move and Josh was too nervous to do anything. Dr. Flynn finally decided to break the monotonous silence.
"Getting kind of late, don't you think?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I mean, it's almost 9:30 and Donna's had a pretty long day. Don't you think you should go see her before she gets too tired for visitors?"
"Yeah," said Josh, still making no move to enter the room.
Dr. Flynn gave him a long, hard once-over. "There's nothing to be scared of in there."
"Huh?"
"I mean you don't need to be afraid of her. She may be sick but she's still the same Donna you've always known her to be."
"But what if later." Josh trailed off.
"There's no later in that room, Josh," the doctor said wisely. "There's just today. That's all." Josh looked thoughtful as he processed the doctor's words. "Now go on in and say hello. She's been waiting for you." With that, the doctor turned and walked back towards what appeared to be his office. Just before he closed the door, he looked back and saw Josh hesitate for moment than walk into the room. The doctor smiled and walked into his office.
Donna's Room
Donna was lying on her side, her back to the door, when she heard the door open. She assumed that it was either her sister arriving or her doctor checking on her at the late hour, so she untangled herself from the sheets and turned around. However, when she saw Josh standing in the room, she felt a strange surge of relief course through her. He wasn't completely unconcerned with her and for that she was grateful. She didn't think she'd ever be able to get over the disappointment of learning he had opted to take a meeting than come and see her, as Sam had testily told her that afternoon when he, Toby, and CJ had come, separately of course, to wish her well. While Donna could certainly understand Josh's negative emotions involving hospitals, particularly this one, she had nonetheless been crushed when he hadn't wanted to see her.
"Hi," Donna said quietly
"Hey," responded Josh just as quietly, making no move to come near the bed.
Donna propped herself up on the bed the best she could. "What are you doing here so late?"
"Oh I'm sorry," said Josh nervously. "I shouldn't have.it's pretty late, you probably need your rest.I can come." he fumbled in a way that made Donna think that he didn't really want to be here with her. That surge of relief that she had felt a few minutes ago was suddenly depleting faster than a popped balloon.
"If you don't want to be here, Josh, you can leave," she said abruptly, but quietly. "If you have something else more important that needs to be done, you can go."
"Donna, I just."
"Have a meeting you need to prep for, a luncheon to go to, a cat to rescue out of tree, fine go, Josh. You have too much to do to be here, that's fine," she said tiredly.
"It's not that I don't want to, it's just..." he said making a few cautious steps towards the bed.
"That you have bad memories about this place that make you very uncomfortable to be here. Josh, it's okay, I understand," she cut in once again.
Josh pursed his lips together and smiled tightly, a sign that meant he struggling for control. Donna, however, was so intent on getting Josh out of the room so he'd be okay that she didn't notice the telltale signs.
"Donna," Josh began again sitting in one of the chairs by the bed, "What I'm trying to say is."
"Look, for the last time Josh." Donna interrupted.
"Can I please just finish one sentence in this conversation?! Would that be at all possible, Donna?" Josh exclaimed, moving forward in his seat. Donna closed her mouth and looked expectedly at Josh, giving him her rapt attention. Josh, on the other hand, found the staring and the silence unnerving coming from Donna.
"What are you doing, Donna?" he asked questioningly.
"I'm giving you my full and undivided attention, Joshua," she responded, gently slipping the two of them back into bantering mode.
"Is it possible for you to that without the staring?"
"No. My mother always said that it's important to look at a person when you're having a conversation."
"Alright," Josh sighed with defeat but gave Donna a small smile. She gave it right back to him and Josh saw for the first time how vulnerable she was, how scared. Sam was right; all this really was taking a toll on her. Josh instantly felt the need to protect her, take care of her. He didn't know it, but it was the exact same feeling that Donna had had when she first saw Josh after his surgery.
"Listen," Josh said, reaching out and taking one of hands in his. "The reason I didn't come was because I couldn't stand to see you in."
"Donna? Are you awake sweetie?" Donna groaned at hearing the familiar voice. Under normal circumstances she loved to hear Nicole's voice but right now she wanted nothing more than to get up and strangle her sister.
"Donna, are all right?" the voice spoke again, this time revealing its source. Josh turned around and saw a woman whose face he'd seen for years through a picture sitting on Donna's desk looking at him for the first time. He could already tell that she wasn't quite as tall as Donna. This woman's hair was shorter and darker than Donna's and her eyes were a catlike green compared to Donna's pale blue. Yet the two women shared the same nose, cheekbones, and full lips. Also, it appeared to Josh, the same endearing yet annoying sense of taking care of everyone else.
"Nic, I'm fine," Donna said exasperated, having already felt the effects of her sister's over protectiveness over the phone. "Can't you at least introduce yourself to strangers who are in the room before you start controlling my life for the next fifty years?"
Nic rolled her eyes at her little sister and took off her sunglasses. "I'm Nicole Moss-Braun. I'm Donna's older sister."
"Joshua Lyman," Josh said extending his hand in greeting.
"I know, pleasure to finally meet you," Nicole answered hurried, shaking his hand and trying to remove her coat at the same time. Once that was accomplished, she proceeded to untie the kerchief that she was wearing, place her briefcase and bag on the other chair near Donna's bed, and go about adjusting the blankets on the bed.
Donna bristled at her sister's attention. "Nic, I'm fine would you please sit down."
"Where's the doctor, I want to talk to him," Nicole said, completely ignoring Donna, going over to her tote bag and rifling through it.
Donna sighed. "He's in his office."
"Why isn't he in here? What's he doing?"
"Performing Satanic animal sacrifices. Do you have any gum?"
"Yes, but you can't have any."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because A). I don't know if it's good for you and B). You're being a brat right now and as you very well know, brats don't get any gum."
"The level of immaturity that you repeatedly sink to continues to surprise even me you sad, pathetic, little woman."
"I know you are but what am I?"
"Nicolette Morgaine."
"Donnatella Igraine."
Josh watched this light, sarcastic exchange between the two sisters and wondered if they even remembered that he was in the room. It was like they were on their own wave link and Josh felt that if he spoke up, he'd be intruding on it. He was saved from this however when Sam walked into the room.
"Alright you made it in here," Sam said cheerfully, giving Josh a smile. Donna and Nicole looked up, surprised, almost as if they realized for the first time that Josh had been in the room the whole time.
"Yeah, I did," giving Donna an apologetic look as he answered. Donna smiled at him so he assumed that he'd been forgiving for whatever they'd been semi- arguing about before Nicole came in. "Actually, I was getting ready to leave. Let Donna and her sister have some time alone together."
Sam looked to the woman standing opposite of him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Donna had any family coming in this late."
"I caught the first flight out that I could."
"Yes, of course. Sam Seaborn, how do you do?"
"Nicole Moss-Braun and I'd be doing a lot better if my sister didn't have a life threatening illness at the moment."
"Yeah we all would," Sam answered hesitantly, taken aback by Nicole's straightforward way of talking. "Listen Josh why don't we get going. I'm sure these two ladies have some talking to do." He walked over to Donna and leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek. "We'll be by sometime tomorrow if we can escape from the office. But if not we'll call you at least twenty times each."
"Oh I'm looking forward to it already," Donna replied with a smile.
"Good to know," Sam said. He turned to Nicole. "It was very nice meeting you; I just wish the circumstances could have been better."
"Likewise," she answered, shaking the hand that he held out to her.
Sam walked to the door and waited for Josh to follow him. Josh was still standing near Donna's bed, reluctant to leave her now even though he knew that she wanted some time alone with her sister. He picked up her hand and gave it a squeeze. He didn't say a word to her, just smiled softly at her before setting her hand down and walking to the door, acknowledging Nicole with a nod towards her. He and Sam than walked out of the room and back into the real world that Donna so desperately wanted to be a part of once again.
"Well," Nicole said, going to sit down on the side of Donna's bed, "they seem really nice."
"Yeah," answered Donna, still thinking of the simple smile that Josh gave her. It might not have seemed like a big deal to Nicole or Sam but Donna recognized that smile that Josh gave her as one that he gave the people he loved when he wanted to reassure them that everything was alright. She'd seem him give it to his mother countless times during his recovery. And now he gave it her, during a time when she'd need his assurances that he was all right.
"Donna," she heard Nicole say to her. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You looked kinda like you'd gone to visit Never-Never Land for a second."
"I'm okay," Donna said, squeezing Nicole's hand, trying to ease the troubled look that her sister had in her eyes. "So have you heard from T.J. at all?"
"Yeah I did," Nicole answered, getting up and going over to her briefcase. She pulled out a think, black leather appointment book where Donna knew she kept all the details of her perfectly scheduled life and other important info in. "His flight should be getting in at around 7:55 tomorrow morning, if he doesn't run into any bad weather from now until then. I'll call him on his cell later and tell him to take a cab here as soon as he lands."
"Oh, I almost forgot," Donna suddenly said. "I've been trying to get in touch with Lily since I got here but she's not at home and her office says she's on vacation. Can you try to get a hold of her? You know, just tell her what's going on?"
"Sure," Nicole sighed over dramatically. "I will do this for you and I will tell you why."
"Nic," Donna groaned good-naturedly.
"For you are my sister," Nicole continued, undaunted. "You are ill and I wish only to make you happy and comfortable during this difficult time. And even if this means conversing with the Bride of Satan herself, I shall do it without question or complaint."
"You know, you've been my sister for twenty-eight years, she's been my best friend for twenty-two years, and not once during this entire time have the two of you ever had a pleasant conversation," Donna said with a smile.
"That's because," Nicole began, smiling back, "Ms. Lillian Amelia Irving of Stratford, England is an unbelievable pain in the ass and I."
"Am an even greater pain in the ass," Donna finished giggling with her sister like they used to when they were girls.
"Whatever you say, your Highness," Nicole said, in a dreadful English accent.
Donna nodded. "So where you guys staying at? If you want, I'll use my puppy dogface on Josh, he can probably get you guys a couple of rooms at the Waldrof."
"We're not staying at a hotel, we're staying right here," Nicole said, looking surprised that Donna even thought they wouldn't be staying near her at all times. "They have private rooms for families of patients. I already brought most of my stuff up there."
"Oh now isn't that going to fun," Donna said, sarcasm dripping from her voice like rain from a tree leaf. "Are you and T.J. going to take turns keeping me locked up or are you going to be tag teaming me to an early grave?"
Donna realized at once what a poor choice of words she had made when Nicole flinched as if someone had slapped her across the face. "Please don't say anything like that," Nicole said seriously. She sat down on the bed again besides Donna and grasped Donna's hand in hers. "Something is really wrong with you and you might not be okay. So please forgive me if I'm going to be a little over anxious and protective of you for the next few weeks. You're the only sister I have and I'm not losing you, got it?"
"Got it," Donna answered sincerely. The two sisters remained quiet like that for a few more minutes before Nicole spoke.
"I want to fly her out here."
"Who?"
Nicole gave her a pointed look. "You know who I mean, Donnatella," she said quietly.
"Absolutely not. Not under any circumstances," Donna said shaking her head emphatically.
"But what if she's a match and."
"I said no," Donna cut her off forcefully. "She's not coming here. You don't call Mena and tell her. And if Mena calls and asks, you don't tell her then either."
Nicole looked at her incredulously. "You want me to lie to Mena? You actually want me to lie."
"No," interrupted Donna, "I don't want you to lie to Mena; I need you to lie to her." Donna paused. "I don't want her to see me like this," she said softly. "She doesn't deserve that. Or maybe I'm selfish, you know just worried it'll hurt me too much," Donna said choking up a little from emotion. "Either way, no matter what, she doesn't come to DC," Donna stared her older sister down. "Got it?"
Nicole closed her eyes and shook her head. "Got it," she answered detachedly.
Josh's Office: One Week Later
Josh was huddled over his desk late that night, going over what he thought to be a thoroughly unimportant briefing memo about landfills in Midwestern areas. The only reason that he was here this late was because he had taken the afternoon off to go with CJ to visit with Donna. She no longer felt the uneasiness about being hospitalized that she had had when she was first admitted but Josh went to see her more for his own peace of mind than hers. It eased him to see that she still was okay, still in high spirits and that she didn't appear to be getting any worse. Dr. Flynn had been administering a daily regimen of packed red blood cell transfusions for Donna. It wouldn't eliminate the need for her to get a bone marrow transplant but it would give the doctors more time to find her a suitable match. Both her sister and her brother, whom had arrived two days ago after being held up by a nasty storm but who Josh had still yet to meet, had not been matches. Numerous members of the White House staff, including Josh, CJ, and Sam, had also been tested but had also not been matches. Dr. Flynn was now conducting a search through the national registry to see if he could find a match for Donna but so far the search had been fruitless. He had assured Josh and the others many times that it would take some time for them to find a donor if someone in her immediate family was not a match but they all also knew that it was time that Donna did not have.
"I thought I'd find you here," proclaimed a voice from the doorway. Josh looked up to find Leo leaning against the doorjamb, dressed in the same clothes that he'd been in yesterday only slightly more rumpled than he usually looked. Josh thought it might have had something to do with the combination of overseeing a re-election campaign, trying to pass an important education reform bill through Congress, and worrying himself to death about one of his staff members. Josh knew, like few did, that underneath Leo's gruff exterior there was a compassionate man who took it upon himself to take care of every member of his staff that he could.
"Yeah, I was just reviewing a memo on.something that seems to be important to someone," he trailed off with a slight smile.
Leo nodded, moving to sit in the visitor chair. "So how you been holding up?" he asked.
"I'm good," Josh said automatically, gratefully putting the memo aside.
"Good," Leo replied. While Leo did feel for Josh and what he was going through, there was still a country to run and an election to win. "Do you have the Southeastern polling samples I asked Joey to pull?"
"Uh, yeah somewhere," Josh answered, rifling around the disaster area that was his desk. Folders and papers were strewn every which way, fast food containers littered the legs of the desk, and magazines peaked out from every corner. While Josh continued searching for the missing numbers, Leo spied a folder that bore the symbol of the AMA on it. Curious, he opened it and looked through it. Inside was a plethora of information about aplastic anemia: Causes, symptoms, age groups, treatment programs, doctors who specialized in the field of hematology; everything anyone could ever want to know about this disease was in Leo's hands.
"Been doing a little extra credit work, have we?" Leo asked, holding up the folder.
Josh looked up and saw Leo with the folder in his hand. He felt embarrassed for a second, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. But then he remembered why he had had the information pulled in the first place and he felt for annoyed at Leo for, what it seemed to Josh, prying.
"I'm researching the disease a little," Josh said evenly. "To see if there's something in there her doctor may have missed."
"Oh, something he may have missed," Leo scoffed. "Tell me Josh, can you remind me what I sent you for a gift upon learning that not only had you gotten a law degree from Harvard, but that you had also received your medical degree from Boston University?"
"Leo, what is the harm in trying to do something more?" Josh asked exasperated.
"Nothing," answered Leo. "As long as there's more to actually do. Donna has one the best doctors in the world treating her; the President made sure of that. If Dr. Flynn says that they're doing all they can for her right now, I'm gonna chose to believe him because he knows more about this than I'll ever know."
Josh leaned his head back against his chair and sighed. "There's got to be something I can do to help her."
"You already are. You're there for her now when she really needs you."
"But what if that's not enough?"
"Sometimes it has to be." When Josh didn't answer, Leo decided that now was the time to venture into territory he had previously promised himself he would never go into.
"How's Amy, Josh?" he asked carefully.
"Hmm?"
"Amy," Leo repeated. "How are things with you two?"
"Oh, things are.fine I guess," said Josh noncommittally. "To tell you the truth, I haven't really talked to her since that fundraiser after the convention."
"You mean since you found out Donna was sick?"
"Well," said Josh, thinking back, "Yeah, I guess so." He looked thoughtfully at Leo. "I'll call her tonight after I call Dr. Flynn."
"She's your girlfriend, Josh," said Leo, deciding to play a little devil's advocate. "Don't you think that she takes priority over calling your assistant's doctor?"
"Well I don't mean it like that Leo, I just meant that."
"That you're more concerned about Donna than you are about Amy, a woman for whom you claim to have feelings."
"What do you mean 'claim'," a confused Josh cut in.
"Yet who you haven't even spoken to in almost five days," Leo plowed ahead, hoping that some of what he was saying was getting through.
"Well I don't think that it's really any of you business, Leo but I do have feelings for Amy," Josh said irritated. He paused and swallowed. "I do have feelings for Amy," Josh said again, more for himself than for Leo before going back to look for the folder Leo had originally come for.
Leo looked at him. "The same feelings that you have for Donna?"
That comment threw Josh off. He had really tried not to think about the situation with Amy, it was taking a lot out of him just to be worrying about Donna. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he hadn't thought thoroughly about anything since Donna got sick. It was like his mind suddenly had tunnel vision and she was the only thing that his mind was capable of focusing on. It had never been like that with him before, for anyone. Even when his father was sick, he was able to distract himself for a little while each day. And that had been an even more stressful time professionally because he was getting a complete unknown elected President. Now that the President's numbers were looking good again, some of the pressure was off. But even with that going for him, with Donna, the thought that something could happen to her consumed him. He'd been a mess since he first heard Toby tell him that she was sick but he had been putting on a pretty good front. At least he thought he had been. But now, with the way Leo was looking at him and the thoughts that were running through his head, Josh was sure that he had been deluding himself for a while now, about more things than one.
"What do I do, Leo?" Josh asked quietly. "What am I supposed to do?"
"About what, Josh?" Leo responded, knowing that Josh needed to come to this realization on his own without his help.
"About everything. About Donna, about Amy, about me feeling this way. What do I do?" he asked again, his eyes pleading with his mentor for guidance, like a child who just found out how cruel this world really is.
Leo swallowed the small lump in his throat that came with seeing Josh in this much distress. He really did love Josh like he was his own son. "I can't tell you that, Josh. You've got to figure this one out on your own, kid." He got up out of his seat and turned to leave, reaching the doorway before Josh called out to him.
"Leo?"
He turned around. "Yeah?"
Josh gave him a small, half smile. "It's her isn't?" He chuckled humorlessly. "It's been her this whole time, right in front of me, and I never even knew it." Josh sighed. "I guess I shouldn't say I didn't know it, I just chose not to acknowledge it."
Leo nodded slowly. "Yeah," he said quietly. "So now that you do chose to acknowledge, the question is, what are you gonna do about it?" he asked before leaving the room and leaving Josh alone with his thoughts.
Donna's Room - Two Hours Later
"I don't understand why you're doing this, Donna," Nicole said, pacing back and forth through the sizable, private room that Donna occupied. Colorful arrays of flowers and "Get Well" cards littered every inch of table space that could be found and balloon arrangements and small stuffed animals occupied the rest of the room.
Donna sighed, looking up from the magazine that she was pretending to leaf through. "Yes you do, Nic," she said, tiredly. "You just don't agree with it."
Nicole started nodding emphatically at her. "Yes, I don't agree with it," Nicole repeated, grateful that she finally appeared to be making some headway. "She could be a match; she could save your life! And all you have to do is pick up the goddamn phone and call Mena! But will you do that, no. No, because Donnatella Moss is always right about everything and the rest of us should just shut up and go along with whatever she wishes!"
"It's more complicated than that and you know it. Look, we've been arguing about this for the past three days and neither of us has gotten anywhere. Obviously, we're not going to get anywhere tonight. Now will you please let this go and keep your voice down?" Donna asked covering her eyes with her hands.
Nicole stopped pacing and turned to look at their brother, who was sitting passively in a chair near Donna. "Well, T.J.?" she asked icily. "Care to offer any opinions at all on this matter?"
Tomasso Arthur Moss Jr. had been sitting in the more comfortable guest chair, which the hospital had moved into the room when they saw how many guests that Donna was receiving, for the past half hour, not saying anything, just trying to stay out of his sisters' way like always. He looked like their mother, sounded like their father, and was a mixture of both his sisters' personalities. He lived closer to Nicole and saw her more often but if he had to say, he was closer with Donna than he was with anyone in the family. T.J. loved both of his sisters more than anything but there was this bond between him and Donna that had existed since childhood that nothing had ever been able to sever. He understood her better than anyone else in the world and vice versa. Which was why this was a conversation he didn't want to be involved in.
"Bella," he said, turning to Donna and using the family's lifelong nickname for her. "I understand why you don't want to call Mena, I really do. And in most cases, I'd respect your decision not to involve her. But."
"Oh my God, not you too," Donna broke in, leaning her head back against the pillows.
"Yes, me too," T.J. said. "I agree with Nicole, we gotta call her."
"Well, I think it's wonderful that you two agree on this," Donna responded sarcastically. "Really, I'm happy for you two, I hope this brings you even closer together. Fortunately for me, your agreement on the matter doesn't factor into this decision in any way. It's my choice what to do and I chose not call Mena."
"Donna, would you just listen to us for one minute?" T.J. asked, getting annoyed and running his hands through his short, brown hair. "We know why you don't want her involved and we understand that position, we really do. We've always understood your decisions regarding this. And we've always covered for you when you needed to lie about it." Donna opened her mouth to cut in but T.J. put up his hand to silence her. Nicole came over to the bed. She took one Donna's hands and one of T.J's hands and put them in her own. Her brother and sister followed suit and Nicole took over for T.J.
"We're not talking about a wedding or a funeral that you need us to make up so you can leave DC without anyone getting suspicious," she said quietly. "We're talking about your life. And unless we find you a bone marrow match soon you'll." Nicole trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. The three siblings remained quiet, just sitting there, all holding hands in the semi- darkness like they used when they were children. Then, they were huddled under piles of blankets and singing old standards during thunderstorms that rattled the house. Here, the storms were not visible but metaphorical. However, they were still just as scary and just as powerful.
"I can't," Donna sniffed finally, wiping at the tears slowly falling down her cheeks. "I understand all your reasons and believe me, they are valid reasons. I even agree with some of them, to tell you the truth." She shook her head. "I just can't do it." She looked each of them square in the eye separately. "Promise me that you won't either."
"Bella." T.J. started.
"I could die," Donna said brusquely. Both T.J. and Nicole's faces paled at hearing Donna utter those three fearful words. "I could be dead in few more weeks," she continued in a gentler tone. "This could be the last thing I ever ask of either you. Please honor it."
Before Nicole or T.J. could answer her, there was a knock on the door. A second later, Josh's head appeared in the doorway. He had decided to come on a lark, after he talked with Leo, and left the office before he had a chance to second-guess himself. Glancing around at the faces in the room, Josh could tell that he had just interrupted something.
"I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "I didn't realize that you were all here this late. I can come back in the morning," he said, heading back towards the hallway.
"No," said Donna. "That's okay, we were done. Nicole and T.J. were just leaving." She looked at both of them again. "Right?"
Nicole rubbed at her forehead. "Yeah," she said quietly, dejectedly.
"Uh, I'm sorry. Who exactly are you?" T.J. asked curiously, looking at Josh.
"Oh, Josh Lyman. You must be T.J., nice to finally meet you," Josh said, shaking T.J.'s hand.
"Same here," he answered, returning Josh's handshake. There was an awkward silence for a moment before T.J. broke it. "I, uh, didn't know what you looked like so."
"My little brother here spends much of his time in the vast wildernesses of the world, so he's not always up to speed on the current events in his sisters' lives," Donna said lightly.
T.J. gave her a forced smile. "I'm a freelance, wildlife photographer. I spend about as much time at a desk as you spend outdoors, from what Donna tells me," he teased Josh.
Josh laughed at this. "I'd disagree with you but I fear that my skin tones would give me away."
Donna smiled at him. "So what's up?" she asked.
"Um, I just." Josh started, unsure of what to do now that he was here, and getting unnerved by the fact that it appeared he'd have to do this in front of an audience. "I, uh, wanted to, ah um, talk to you about."
"You know, it's kinda late," said Nicole, sensing that Josh wanted to talk to Donna about something private. "I think I'm gonna head upstairs and try to sleep for a couple hours." She gathered the trash that she had accumulated through the dinner that the three of them had shared. She threw it in the wastebasket and came back to her sister to kiss her goodnight. "Night, sweetie. Don't stay up too late, you've have treatment at seven tomorrow."
Donna rolled her eyes at her. "Yes, mom," she said. Before Nicole could leave, Donna pulled her down for a hug. While in that position, Donna quietly repeated to her, "Please honor it."
Nicole swallowed back her tears before whispering back, "I really hope you know what you're doing, Bella." She turned to the men. "Come on, squirt, let's go," she said to T.J.
"Actually, I'm not that tired I think I'll hang around," said T.J., going back over to sit in the chair. While he was one of the most sensitive guys a girl could meet, good with romance he was not. Though given both his sisters' penchant for selecting Neanderthalic, uncaring idiots, [and in Nicole's case, actually marrying and divorcing one], a person could argue that this trait was actually genetic.
Nicole bit back her lip to quench the laugh that threatened to escape. "T.J.," she said again more forcefully, using the voice she used to use with him when they were kids and he refused to leave the comic book store when told. "Let's go," Nicole repeated, throwing in a glare for good measure. T.J. got the message that time and went over to say good-bye to Donna. He nodded a good-bye to Josh and met his sister in the doorway. As they were leaving she said under her breath, "And you wonder why you can never get a second date."
Once they were alone, Josh turned to look at Donna. She was still unfailingly beautiful in Josh's opinion. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a slick ponytail with one of those puffy elastic things, though her hair had never needed a fancy style or attachment to make him love it and her blue eyes, though tired and red from worry, could still shine brighter to him than a thousand light bulbs. The flimsy hospital gown had been replaced by a sturdy, flannel pajama set from CJ, who was much better with women's sizes than she was with men's. While to the average person, Donna might look completely healthy, sans the numerous IVs, Josh noticed subtle changes in her. The alabaster skin that she was so proud of seemed a shade paler than normal and she had neither the desire nor the ability to put on the light amount of makeup that she usually wore. Her voice was still gravely, even after five days, and she was not always up to conversation when he visited her. This caused him no small amount of distress, because Josh was actually beginning to see signs of the illness that was slowly taken over her. All of his emotions washed over him then and he made a decision at that moment that would change his life.
"Josh?" he heard her ask him. "Josh, are you okay? I've been talking to you for a few minutes now and you haven't said a word."
He ignored her and went to sit down on the side of her bed. Donna's questioning gaze didn't discourage him. Josh simply took her face in his hands and laid a gentle kiss on her lips. When he pulled back, his face only inches from her, he looked deep into her eyes and said the words he had just realized he'd always wanted to say to her.
"I love you."
"What are you doing here, Sam?" Josh tiredly asked the figure behind his door when he looked through the peephole.
"Josh, just let me in okay. I'll explain inside," Sam said, pounding on the door a second later when he got no response.
"Alright, alright, come in. Jesus, you're gonna wake up Mr. Myers if you keep doing that."
Sam looked confused as he entered the doorway. "I thought he died like three months ago."
"My point exactly. Now what's up? Is everything alright?"
"No," said Sam shaking his head and removing his coat. "Everything is not alright. Donna is not alright, Josh."
As the words left Sam's mouth, Josh felt terror well up inside of him. "What happened to her? Did she have an episode or whatever it's called?" he asked franticly. When he got no immediate response, he started towards Sam. "God damn it Sam! What the hell happened?!"
"Josh she's okay!" Sam yelled back to calm him down. "She's still at the hospital but she's okay for now." Sam watched Josh release a giant breath as the relief washed over him. It made Sam remember his purpose for coming here. "Why didn't you go see her?"
"What?"
"Donna," Sam said. "Why didn't you go see her in the hospital?" Josh avoided his gaze and turned away from his friend. Sam could tell this was a conversation that Josh did not want to have but he plowed ahead anyway. "She needs you there, Josh. She's hurt and lonely and absolutely terrified of what might happen to her."
"Nothing's gonna happen to her," Josh said quietly. "She's gonna be fine."
"She might not be, Josh."
"But she will be, Sam."
"But she probably won't be and you need to accept that."
"What are you saying?" Josh asked, his voice like that of a small child scared of the monster under the bed. "Did the doctor's find something else that's wrong?"
Sam sighed. "Nothing's changed. Donna's in the same condition tonight that she was this morning. But that doesn't change the fact that if she doesn't get a bone marrow transplant soon, she'll." Sam trailed off. Josh was leaning back against the wall of his living room, looking like he wished he were anyplace else but this room. Even with all the anger that he felt for Josh right now, he was still Sam's best friend and he felt horrible for Josh. "Why did you take the meeting with Rittenhower?"
Josh shrugged his shoulders. "Rittenhower." he began, searching for the right answer. "Rittenhower, I couldn't screw up. I mean I could walk into that restaurant, sit down next to him, and I'd know exactly what to do to get what I wanted." Josh paused and moved to sit on his couch where Sam joined him. "If I walk into that hospital room, how do I know I'm gonna be okay when I see her? How do I know I'm not gonna say something that's gonna make this worse for her? I just." he started laughing ruefully. "This is the first time in my life were I walk into the room and I have no idea what to say."
"Did you care what she said when you got shot?" Sam immediately asked.
"What?"
"When you were shot and you were in the hospital, Donna came to see you. Did you care what she said to you?"
"No, of course not."
"Not even just a little?"
"I didn't care what she said to me, I just cared that she was there," Josh proclaimed, realizing the impact of his words as soon as he said them. Sam looked at him thoughtfully.
"You know," Sam started, "Visiting hours at GW ended about two hours ago but I'm pretty sure they'd make an exception for you."
"Don't you think she'd be too tired for visitor?"
"Josh," Sam chided him gently.
"I'm not trying to stall," Josh defended. "I just don't want her to be inconvienced."
"Believe me when I tell you she won't mind in the least."
GWU Hospital: Outside Donna's room [1 hour later]
Josh stood quietly outside Donna's room, wondering what he was gonna find when he opened the door and walked inside. It had taken a lot just to get Josh to this point and he didn't want to screw anything up. Sam had left Josh's apartment after Josh had promised him he'd go as soon as he finished a briefing memo for the morning. Sam, immediately recognizing Josh's infamous avoidance behavior, insisted on driving Josh to the hospital himself. Once they'd gotten there, Josh had declared that he was fine and Sam could go home but Sam, of course, wanted to see Donna too so he'd ridden the elevator with him.
Now Josh stood where he'd been standing for the past fifteen minutes, trying to gather up the nerve to walk into that room. Sam had gone to the cafeteria as soon as they got to the room claiming that he was hungry but he really just wanted to give the two of them a few minutes alone together. He had thought that Josh would be able to go in and be with Donna. But he couldn't even make himself walk through the door. He just stood there, waiting for something to kick in that would give him the courage to at least put one foot in front of the other.
"Excuse me, Sir," came a voice from behind Josh, startling him. He turned to see a doctor in a white lab coat and flannel shirt and trousers standing before him. "May I help you?"
"Um.No I was just, ah waiting for." he stuttered, gesturing with his hands.
"Are you a friend of the patient?" the doctor asked, eyeing him suspiciously. Mr. McGarry and the Secret Service had warned Dr. Flynn that reporters might try to get access to Donna. "If you're not, I suggest that you leave before I'm forced to call security," he continued sternly.
Josh felt like he had literally swallowed his tongue down the back of his throat. He couldn't form a coherent response to the doctor's inquiries. Just as Dr. Flynn made a move towards the phone on the front desk, a man in plain clothes approached the doctor. Josh immediately recognized him as one of the agents who was regularly on the President's detail. He and the doctor shared a few hushed words, while Josh stood aimlessly outside the door, before the doctor turned and walked back towards Josh.
"So you're Mr. Lyman," the doctor said, extending his hand towards Josh. "I'm terribly sorry about that but I wasn't sure what you looked like or when you'd be coming in."
"How did you know I was coming here?" Josh asked confused.
The doctor gave him a small smile as he led him back towards Donna's door. "Leo McGarry said that we should be expecting you to come and see Donna anytime now, as did Sam Seaborn, CJ Cregg, Toby Zieg."
"Who are you?" Josh abruptly cut in, stopping the two of them before they could reach Donna's door.
"Oh I'm sorry," the man chuckled lightly. "I'm Dr. Michael Flynn; I'm Donna's primary physician. How do you do?"
Josh swallowed and took a minute. "I'm fine," he replied dryly.
The two men continued standing outside the door for a few more minutes, doing nothing. Dr. Flynn was waiting for Josh to make the first move and Josh was too nervous to do anything. Dr. Flynn finally decided to break the monotonous silence.
"Getting kind of late, don't you think?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I mean, it's almost 9:30 and Donna's had a pretty long day. Don't you think you should go see her before she gets too tired for visitors?"
"Yeah," said Josh, still making no move to enter the room.
Dr. Flynn gave him a long, hard once-over. "There's nothing to be scared of in there."
"Huh?"
"I mean you don't need to be afraid of her. She may be sick but she's still the same Donna you've always known her to be."
"But what if later." Josh trailed off.
"There's no later in that room, Josh," the doctor said wisely. "There's just today. That's all." Josh looked thoughtful as he processed the doctor's words. "Now go on in and say hello. She's been waiting for you." With that, the doctor turned and walked back towards what appeared to be his office. Just before he closed the door, he looked back and saw Josh hesitate for moment than walk into the room. The doctor smiled and walked into his office.
Donna's Room
Donna was lying on her side, her back to the door, when she heard the door open. She assumed that it was either her sister arriving or her doctor checking on her at the late hour, so she untangled herself from the sheets and turned around. However, when she saw Josh standing in the room, she felt a strange surge of relief course through her. He wasn't completely unconcerned with her and for that she was grateful. She didn't think she'd ever be able to get over the disappointment of learning he had opted to take a meeting than come and see her, as Sam had testily told her that afternoon when he, Toby, and CJ had come, separately of course, to wish her well. While Donna could certainly understand Josh's negative emotions involving hospitals, particularly this one, she had nonetheless been crushed when he hadn't wanted to see her.
"Hi," Donna said quietly
"Hey," responded Josh just as quietly, making no move to come near the bed.
Donna propped herself up on the bed the best she could. "What are you doing here so late?"
"Oh I'm sorry," said Josh nervously. "I shouldn't have.it's pretty late, you probably need your rest.I can come." he fumbled in a way that made Donna think that he didn't really want to be here with her. That surge of relief that she had felt a few minutes ago was suddenly depleting faster than a popped balloon.
"If you don't want to be here, Josh, you can leave," she said abruptly, but quietly. "If you have something else more important that needs to be done, you can go."
"Donna, I just."
"Have a meeting you need to prep for, a luncheon to go to, a cat to rescue out of tree, fine go, Josh. You have too much to do to be here, that's fine," she said tiredly.
"It's not that I don't want to, it's just..." he said making a few cautious steps towards the bed.
"That you have bad memories about this place that make you very uncomfortable to be here. Josh, it's okay, I understand," she cut in once again.
Josh pursed his lips together and smiled tightly, a sign that meant he struggling for control. Donna, however, was so intent on getting Josh out of the room so he'd be okay that she didn't notice the telltale signs.
"Donna," Josh began again sitting in one of the chairs by the bed, "What I'm trying to say is."
"Look, for the last time Josh." Donna interrupted.
"Can I please just finish one sentence in this conversation?! Would that be at all possible, Donna?" Josh exclaimed, moving forward in his seat. Donna closed her mouth and looked expectedly at Josh, giving him her rapt attention. Josh, on the other hand, found the staring and the silence unnerving coming from Donna.
"What are you doing, Donna?" he asked questioningly.
"I'm giving you my full and undivided attention, Joshua," she responded, gently slipping the two of them back into bantering mode.
"Is it possible for you to that without the staring?"
"No. My mother always said that it's important to look at a person when you're having a conversation."
"Alright," Josh sighed with defeat but gave Donna a small smile. She gave it right back to him and Josh saw for the first time how vulnerable she was, how scared. Sam was right; all this really was taking a toll on her. Josh instantly felt the need to protect her, take care of her. He didn't know it, but it was the exact same feeling that Donna had had when she first saw Josh after his surgery.
"Listen," Josh said, reaching out and taking one of hands in his. "The reason I didn't come was because I couldn't stand to see you in."
"Donna? Are you awake sweetie?" Donna groaned at hearing the familiar voice. Under normal circumstances she loved to hear Nicole's voice but right now she wanted nothing more than to get up and strangle her sister.
"Donna, are all right?" the voice spoke again, this time revealing its source. Josh turned around and saw a woman whose face he'd seen for years through a picture sitting on Donna's desk looking at him for the first time. He could already tell that she wasn't quite as tall as Donna. This woman's hair was shorter and darker than Donna's and her eyes were a catlike green compared to Donna's pale blue. Yet the two women shared the same nose, cheekbones, and full lips. Also, it appeared to Josh, the same endearing yet annoying sense of taking care of everyone else.
"Nic, I'm fine," Donna said exasperated, having already felt the effects of her sister's over protectiveness over the phone. "Can't you at least introduce yourself to strangers who are in the room before you start controlling my life for the next fifty years?"
Nic rolled her eyes at her little sister and took off her sunglasses. "I'm Nicole Moss-Braun. I'm Donna's older sister."
"Joshua Lyman," Josh said extending his hand in greeting.
"I know, pleasure to finally meet you," Nicole answered hurried, shaking his hand and trying to remove her coat at the same time. Once that was accomplished, she proceeded to untie the kerchief that she was wearing, place her briefcase and bag on the other chair near Donna's bed, and go about adjusting the blankets on the bed.
Donna bristled at her sister's attention. "Nic, I'm fine would you please sit down."
"Where's the doctor, I want to talk to him," Nicole said, completely ignoring Donna, going over to her tote bag and rifling through it.
Donna sighed. "He's in his office."
"Why isn't he in here? What's he doing?"
"Performing Satanic animal sacrifices. Do you have any gum?"
"Yes, but you can't have any."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because A). I don't know if it's good for you and B). You're being a brat right now and as you very well know, brats don't get any gum."
"The level of immaturity that you repeatedly sink to continues to surprise even me you sad, pathetic, little woman."
"I know you are but what am I?"
"Nicolette Morgaine."
"Donnatella Igraine."
Josh watched this light, sarcastic exchange between the two sisters and wondered if they even remembered that he was in the room. It was like they were on their own wave link and Josh felt that if he spoke up, he'd be intruding on it. He was saved from this however when Sam walked into the room.
"Alright you made it in here," Sam said cheerfully, giving Josh a smile. Donna and Nicole looked up, surprised, almost as if they realized for the first time that Josh had been in the room the whole time.
"Yeah, I did," giving Donna an apologetic look as he answered. Donna smiled at him so he assumed that he'd been forgiving for whatever they'd been semi- arguing about before Nicole came in. "Actually, I was getting ready to leave. Let Donna and her sister have some time alone together."
Sam looked to the woman standing opposite of him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Donna had any family coming in this late."
"I caught the first flight out that I could."
"Yes, of course. Sam Seaborn, how do you do?"
"Nicole Moss-Braun and I'd be doing a lot better if my sister didn't have a life threatening illness at the moment."
"Yeah we all would," Sam answered hesitantly, taken aback by Nicole's straightforward way of talking. "Listen Josh why don't we get going. I'm sure these two ladies have some talking to do." He walked over to Donna and leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek. "We'll be by sometime tomorrow if we can escape from the office. But if not we'll call you at least twenty times each."
"Oh I'm looking forward to it already," Donna replied with a smile.
"Good to know," Sam said. He turned to Nicole. "It was very nice meeting you; I just wish the circumstances could have been better."
"Likewise," she answered, shaking the hand that he held out to her.
Sam walked to the door and waited for Josh to follow him. Josh was still standing near Donna's bed, reluctant to leave her now even though he knew that she wanted some time alone with her sister. He picked up her hand and gave it a squeeze. He didn't say a word to her, just smiled softly at her before setting her hand down and walking to the door, acknowledging Nicole with a nod towards her. He and Sam than walked out of the room and back into the real world that Donna so desperately wanted to be a part of once again.
"Well," Nicole said, going to sit down on the side of Donna's bed, "they seem really nice."
"Yeah," answered Donna, still thinking of the simple smile that Josh gave her. It might not have seemed like a big deal to Nicole or Sam but Donna recognized that smile that Josh gave her as one that he gave the people he loved when he wanted to reassure them that everything was alright. She'd seem him give it to his mother countless times during his recovery. And now he gave it her, during a time when she'd need his assurances that he was all right.
"Donna," she heard Nicole say to her. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You looked kinda like you'd gone to visit Never-Never Land for a second."
"I'm okay," Donna said, squeezing Nicole's hand, trying to ease the troubled look that her sister had in her eyes. "So have you heard from T.J. at all?"
"Yeah I did," Nicole answered, getting up and going over to her briefcase. She pulled out a think, black leather appointment book where Donna knew she kept all the details of her perfectly scheduled life and other important info in. "His flight should be getting in at around 7:55 tomorrow morning, if he doesn't run into any bad weather from now until then. I'll call him on his cell later and tell him to take a cab here as soon as he lands."
"Oh, I almost forgot," Donna suddenly said. "I've been trying to get in touch with Lily since I got here but she's not at home and her office says she's on vacation. Can you try to get a hold of her? You know, just tell her what's going on?"
"Sure," Nicole sighed over dramatically. "I will do this for you and I will tell you why."
"Nic," Donna groaned good-naturedly.
"For you are my sister," Nicole continued, undaunted. "You are ill and I wish only to make you happy and comfortable during this difficult time. And even if this means conversing with the Bride of Satan herself, I shall do it without question or complaint."
"You know, you've been my sister for twenty-eight years, she's been my best friend for twenty-two years, and not once during this entire time have the two of you ever had a pleasant conversation," Donna said with a smile.
"That's because," Nicole began, smiling back, "Ms. Lillian Amelia Irving of Stratford, England is an unbelievable pain in the ass and I."
"Am an even greater pain in the ass," Donna finished giggling with her sister like they used to when they were girls.
"Whatever you say, your Highness," Nicole said, in a dreadful English accent.
Donna nodded. "So where you guys staying at? If you want, I'll use my puppy dogface on Josh, he can probably get you guys a couple of rooms at the Waldrof."
"We're not staying at a hotel, we're staying right here," Nicole said, looking surprised that Donna even thought they wouldn't be staying near her at all times. "They have private rooms for families of patients. I already brought most of my stuff up there."
"Oh now isn't that going to fun," Donna said, sarcasm dripping from her voice like rain from a tree leaf. "Are you and T.J. going to take turns keeping me locked up or are you going to be tag teaming me to an early grave?"
Donna realized at once what a poor choice of words she had made when Nicole flinched as if someone had slapped her across the face. "Please don't say anything like that," Nicole said seriously. She sat down on the bed again besides Donna and grasped Donna's hand in hers. "Something is really wrong with you and you might not be okay. So please forgive me if I'm going to be a little over anxious and protective of you for the next few weeks. You're the only sister I have and I'm not losing you, got it?"
"Got it," Donna answered sincerely. The two sisters remained quiet like that for a few more minutes before Nicole spoke.
"I want to fly her out here."
"Who?"
Nicole gave her a pointed look. "You know who I mean, Donnatella," she said quietly.
"Absolutely not. Not under any circumstances," Donna said shaking her head emphatically.
"But what if she's a match and."
"I said no," Donna cut her off forcefully. "She's not coming here. You don't call Mena and tell her. And if Mena calls and asks, you don't tell her then either."
Nicole looked at her incredulously. "You want me to lie to Mena? You actually want me to lie."
"No," interrupted Donna, "I don't want you to lie to Mena; I need you to lie to her." Donna paused. "I don't want her to see me like this," she said softly. "She doesn't deserve that. Or maybe I'm selfish, you know just worried it'll hurt me too much," Donna said choking up a little from emotion. "Either way, no matter what, she doesn't come to DC," Donna stared her older sister down. "Got it?"
Nicole closed her eyes and shook her head. "Got it," she answered detachedly.
Josh's Office: One Week Later
Josh was huddled over his desk late that night, going over what he thought to be a thoroughly unimportant briefing memo about landfills in Midwestern areas. The only reason that he was here this late was because he had taken the afternoon off to go with CJ to visit with Donna. She no longer felt the uneasiness about being hospitalized that she had had when she was first admitted but Josh went to see her more for his own peace of mind than hers. It eased him to see that she still was okay, still in high spirits and that she didn't appear to be getting any worse. Dr. Flynn had been administering a daily regimen of packed red blood cell transfusions for Donna. It wouldn't eliminate the need for her to get a bone marrow transplant but it would give the doctors more time to find her a suitable match. Both her sister and her brother, whom had arrived two days ago after being held up by a nasty storm but who Josh had still yet to meet, had not been matches. Numerous members of the White House staff, including Josh, CJ, and Sam, had also been tested but had also not been matches. Dr. Flynn was now conducting a search through the national registry to see if he could find a match for Donna but so far the search had been fruitless. He had assured Josh and the others many times that it would take some time for them to find a donor if someone in her immediate family was not a match but they all also knew that it was time that Donna did not have.
"I thought I'd find you here," proclaimed a voice from the doorway. Josh looked up to find Leo leaning against the doorjamb, dressed in the same clothes that he'd been in yesterday only slightly more rumpled than he usually looked. Josh thought it might have had something to do with the combination of overseeing a re-election campaign, trying to pass an important education reform bill through Congress, and worrying himself to death about one of his staff members. Josh knew, like few did, that underneath Leo's gruff exterior there was a compassionate man who took it upon himself to take care of every member of his staff that he could.
"Yeah, I was just reviewing a memo on.something that seems to be important to someone," he trailed off with a slight smile.
Leo nodded, moving to sit in the visitor chair. "So how you been holding up?" he asked.
"I'm good," Josh said automatically, gratefully putting the memo aside.
"Good," Leo replied. While Leo did feel for Josh and what he was going through, there was still a country to run and an election to win. "Do you have the Southeastern polling samples I asked Joey to pull?"
"Uh, yeah somewhere," Josh answered, rifling around the disaster area that was his desk. Folders and papers were strewn every which way, fast food containers littered the legs of the desk, and magazines peaked out from every corner. While Josh continued searching for the missing numbers, Leo spied a folder that bore the symbol of the AMA on it. Curious, he opened it and looked through it. Inside was a plethora of information about aplastic anemia: Causes, symptoms, age groups, treatment programs, doctors who specialized in the field of hematology; everything anyone could ever want to know about this disease was in Leo's hands.
"Been doing a little extra credit work, have we?" Leo asked, holding up the folder.
Josh looked up and saw Leo with the folder in his hand. He felt embarrassed for a second, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. But then he remembered why he had had the information pulled in the first place and he felt for annoyed at Leo for, what it seemed to Josh, prying.
"I'm researching the disease a little," Josh said evenly. "To see if there's something in there her doctor may have missed."
"Oh, something he may have missed," Leo scoffed. "Tell me Josh, can you remind me what I sent you for a gift upon learning that not only had you gotten a law degree from Harvard, but that you had also received your medical degree from Boston University?"
"Leo, what is the harm in trying to do something more?" Josh asked exasperated.
"Nothing," answered Leo. "As long as there's more to actually do. Donna has one the best doctors in the world treating her; the President made sure of that. If Dr. Flynn says that they're doing all they can for her right now, I'm gonna chose to believe him because he knows more about this than I'll ever know."
Josh leaned his head back against his chair and sighed. "There's got to be something I can do to help her."
"You already are. You're there for her now when she really needs you."
"But what if that's not enough?"
"Sometimes it has to be." When Josh didn't answer, Leo decided that now was the time to venture into territory he had previously promised himself he would never go into.
"How's Amy, Josh?" he asked carefully.
"Hmm?"
"Amy," Leo repeated. "How are things with you two?"
"Oh, things are.fine I guess," said Josh noncommittally. "To tell you the truth, I haven't really talked to her since that fundraiser after the convention."
"You mean since you found out Donna was sick?"
"Well," said Josh, thinking back, "Yeah, I guess so." He looked thoughtfully at Leo. "I'll call her tonight after I call Dr. Flynn."
"She's your girlfriend, Josh," said Leo, deciding to play a little devil's advocate. "Don't you think that she takes priority over calling your assistant's doctor?"
"Well I don't mean it like that Leo, I just meant that."
"That you're more concerned about Donna than you are about Amy, a woman for whom you claim to have feelings."
"What do you mean 'claim'," a confused Josh cut in.
"Yet who you haven't even spoken to in almost five days," Leo plowed ahead, hoping that some of what he was saying was getting through.
"Well I don't think that it's really any of you business, Leo but I do have feelings for Amy," Josh said irritated. He paused and swallowed. "I do have feelings for Amy," Josh said again, more for himself than for Leo before going back to look for the folder Leo had originally come for.
Leo looked at him. "The same feelings that you have for Donna?"
That comment threw Josh off. He had really tried not to think about the situation with Amy, it was taking a lot out of him just to be worrying about Donna. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he hadn't thought thoroughly about anything since Donna got sick. It was like his mind suddenly had tunnel vision and she was the only thing that his mind was capable of focusing on. It had never been like that with him before, for anyone. Even when his father was sick, he was able to distract himself for a little while each day. And that had been an even more stressful time professionally because he was getting a complete unknown elected President. Now that the President's numbers were looking good again, some of the pressure was off. But even with that going for him, with Donna, the thought that something could happen to her consumed him. He'd been a mess since he first heard Toby tell him that she was sick but he had been putting on a pretty good front. At least he thought he had been. But now, with the way Leo was looking at him and the thoughts that were running through his head, Josh was sure that he had been deluding himself for a while now, about more things than one.
"What do I do, Leo?" Josh asked quietly. "What am I supposed to do?"
"About what, Josh?" Leo responded, knowing that Josh needed to come to this realization on his own without his help.
"About everything. About Donna, about Amy, about me feeling this way. What do I do?" he asked again, his eyes pleading with his mentor for guidance, like a child who just found out how cruel this world really is.
Leo swallowed the small lump in his throat that came with seeing Josh in this much distress. He really did love Josh like he was his own son. "I can't tell you that, Josh. You've got to figure this one out on your own, kid." He got up out of his seat and turned to leave, reaching the doorway before Josh called out to him.
"Leo?"
He turned around. "Yeah?"
Josh gave him a small, half smile. "It's her isn't?" He chuckled humorlessly. "It's been her this whole time, right in front of me, and I never even knew it." Josh sighed. "I guess I shouldn't say I didn't know it, I just chose not to acknowledge it."
Leo nodded slowly. "Yeah," he said quietly. "So now that you do chose to acknowledge, the question is, what are you gonna do about it?" he asked before leaving the room and leaving Josh alone with his thoughts.
Donna's Room - Two Hours Later
"I don't understand why you're doing this, Donna," Nicole said, pacing back and forth through the sizable, private room that Donna occupied. Colorful arrays of flowers and "Get Well" cards littered every inch of table space that could be found and balloon arrangements and small stuffed animals occupied the rest of the room.
Donna sighed, looking up from the magazine that she was pretending to leaf through. "Yes you do, Nic," she said, tiredly. "You just don't agree with it."
Nicole started nodding emphatically at her. "Yes, I don't agree with it," Nicole repeated, grateful that she finally appeared to be making some headway. "She could be a match; she could save your life! And all you have to do is pick up the goddamn phone and call Mena! But will you do that, no. No, because Donnatella Moss is always right about everything and the rest of us should just shut up and go along with whatever she wishes!"
"It's more complicated than that and you know it. Look, we've been arguing about this for the past three days and neither of us has gotten anywhere. Obviously, we're not going to get anywhere tonight. Now will you please let this go and keep your voice down?" Donna asked covering her eyes with her hands.
Nicole stopped pacing and turned to look at their brother, who was sitting passively in a chair near Donna. "Well, T.J.?" she asked icily. "Care to offer any opinions at all on this matter?"
Tomasso Arthur Moss Jr. had been sitting in the more comfortable guest chair, which the hospital had moved into the room when they saw how many guests that Donna was receiving, for the past half hour, not saying anything, just trying to stay out of his sisters' way like always. He looked like their mother, sounded like their father, and was a mixture of both his sisters' personalities. He lived closer to Nicole and saw her more often but if he had to say, he was closer with Donna than he was with anyone in the family. T.J. loved both of his sisters more than anything but there was this bond between him and Donna that had existed since childhood that nothing had ever been able to sever. He understood her better than anyone else in the world and vice versa. Which was why this was a conversation he didn't want to be involved in.
"Bella," he said, turning to Donna and using the family's lifelong nickname for her. "I understand why you don't want to call Mena, I really do. And in most cases, I'd respect your decision not to involve her. But."
"Oh my God, not you too," Donna broke in, leaning her head back against the pillows.
"Yes, me too," T.J. said. "I agree with Nicole, we gotta call her."
"Well, I think it's wonderful that you two agree on this," Donna responded sarcastically. "Really, I'm happy for you two, I hope this brings you even closer together. Fortunately for me, your agreement on the matter doesn't factor into this decision in any way. It's my choice what to do and I chose not call Mena."
"Donna, would you just listen to us for one minute?" T.J. asked, getting annoyed and running his hands through his short, brown hair. "We know why you don't want her involved and we understand that position, we really do. We've always understood your decisions regarding this. And we've always covered for you when you needed to lie about it." Donna opened her mouth to cut in but T.J. put up his hand to silence her. Nicole came over to the bed. She took one Donna's hands and one of T.J's hands and put them in her own. Her brother and sister followed suit and Nicole took over for T.J.
"We're not talking about a wedding or a funeral that you need us to make up so you can leave DC without anyone getting suspicious," she said quietly. "We're talking about your life. And unless we find you a bone marrow match soon you'll." Nicole trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. The three siblings remained quiet, just sitting there, all holding hands in the semi- darkness like they used when they were children. Then, they were huddled under piles of blankets and singing old standards during thunderstorms that rattled the house. Here, the storms were not visible but metaphorical. However, they were still just as scary and just as powerful.
"I can't," Donna sniffed finally, wiping at the tears slowly falling down her cheeks. "I understand all your reasons and believe me, they are valid reasons. I even agree with some of them, to tell you the truth." She shook her head. "I just can't do it." She looked each of them square in the eye separately. "Promise me that you won't either."
"Bella." T.J. started.
"I could die," Donna said brusquely. Both T.J. and Nicole's faces paled at hearing Donna utter those three fearful words. "I could be dead in few more weeks," she continued in a gentler tone. "This could be the last thing I ever ask of either you. Please honor it."
Before Nicole or T.J. could answer her, there was a knock on the door. A second later, Josh's head appeared in the doorway. He had decided to come on a lark, after he talked with Leo, and left the office before he had a chance to second-guess himself. Glancing around at the faces in the room, Josh could tell that he had just interrupted something.
"I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "I didn't realize that you were all here this late. I can come back in the morning," he said, heading back towards the hallway.
"No," said Donna. "That's okay, we were done. Nicole and T.J. were just leaving." She looked at both of them again. "Right?"
Nicole rubbed at her forehead. "Yeah," she said quietly, dejectedly.
"Uh, I'm sorry. Who exactly are you?" T.J. asked curiously, looking at Josh.
"Oh, Josh Lyman. You must be T.J., nice to finally meet you," Josh said, shaking T.J.'s hand.
"Same here," he answered, returning Josh's handshake. There was an awkward silence for a moment before T.J. broke it. "I, uh, didn't know what you looked like so."
"My little brother here spends much of his time in the vast wildernesses of the world, so he's not always up to speed on the current events in his sisters' lives," Donna said lightly.
T.J. gave her a forced smile. "I'm a freelance, wildlife photographer. I spend about as much time at a desk as you spend outdoors, from what Donna tells me," he teased Josh.
Josh laughed at this. "I'd disagree with you but I fear that my skin tones would give me away."
Donna smiled at him. "So what's up?" she asked.
"Um, I just." Josh started, unsure of what to do now that he was here, and getting unnerved by the fact that it appeared he'd have to do this in front of an audience. "I, uh, wanted to, ah um, talk to you about."
"You know, it's kinda late," said Nicole, sensing that Josh wanted to talk to Donna about something private. "I think I'm gonna head upstairs and try to sleep for a couple hours." She gathered the trash that she had accumulated through the dinner that the three of them had shared. She threw it in the wastebasket and came back to her sister to kiss her goodnight. "Night, sweetie. Don't stay up too late, you've have treatment at seven tomorrow."
Donna rolled her eyes at her. "Yes, mom," she said. Before Nicole could leave, Donna pulled her down for a hug. While in that position, Donna quietly repeated to her, "Please honor it."
Nicole swallowed back her tears before whispering back, "I really hope you know what you're doing, Bella." She turned to the men. "Come on, squirt, let's go," she said to T.J.
"Actually, I'm not that tired I think I'll hang around," said T.J., going back over to sit in the chair. While he was one of the most sensitive guys a girl could meet, good with romance he was not. Though given both his sisters' penchant for selecting Neanderthalic, uncaring idiots, [and in Nicole's case, actually marrying and divorcing one], a person could argue that this trait was actually genetic.
Nicole bit back her lip to quench the laugh that threatened to escape. "T.J.," she said again more forcefully, using the voice she used to use with him when they were kids and he refused to leave the comic book store when told. "Let's go," Nicole repeated, throwing in a glare for good measure. T.J. got the message that time and went over to say good-bye to Donna. He nodded a good-bye to Josh and met his sister in the doorway. As they were leaving she said under her breath, "And you wonder why you can never get a second date."
Once they were alone, Josh turned to look at Donna. She was still unfailingly beautiful in Josh's opinion. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a slick ponytail with one of those puffy elastic things, though her hair had never needed a fancy style or attachment to make him love it and her blue eyes, though tired and red from worry, could still shine brighter to him than a thousand light bulbs. The flimsy hospital gown had been replaced by a sturdy, flannel pajama set from CJ, who was much better with women's sizes than she was with men's. While to the average person, Donna might look completely healthy, sans the numerous IVs, Josh noticed subtle changes in her. The alabaster skin that she was so proud of seemed a shade paler than normal and she had neither the desire nor the ability to put on the light amount of makeup that she usually wore. Her voice was still gravely, even after five days, and she was not always up to conversation when he visited her. This caused him no small amount of distress, because Josh was actually beginning to see signs of the illness that was slowly taken over her. All of his emotions washed over him then and he made a decision at that moment that would change his life.
"Josh?" he heard her ask him. "Josh, are you okay? I've been talking to you for a few minutes now and you haven't said a word."
He ignored her and went to sit down on the side of her bed. Donna's questioning gaze didn't discourage him. Josh simply took her face in his hands and laid a gentle kiss on her lips. When he pulled back, his face only inches from her, he looked deep into her eyes and said the words he had just realized he'd always wanted to say to her.
"I love you."